Remember when you were little?
I was thinking today about a lot of things. I can't remember when I was ever an innocent little girl. It kinda bothers me. I don't think I ever was an innocent little girl. I mean by the time I was 2 I had been molested by two different people and by the time I was 9, I had started smoking and drinking. I think the first time I smoked weed was 10 or 11 something like that. I had already seen a naked man plenty of times thanks to the assholes in my life who thought it a good idea to "show me their love". I don't remember ever not knowing what a penis looked like or what it felt like to cum. I feel like that's unfair. I've heard people talk about what it was like the first time they masturbated and how cool it was to make themselves cum and confusing and stuff. Well I never had that. My father made me cum the first time I ever came. I remember wondering if that's what it was but that's it. I felt dirty and hated myself for allowing him to touch and hated myself more for letting my body enjoy it. Even though at 9 years old I had no control over it. I do remember wondering what it was like to just be able to play with my friends and just be "normal" like everyone else. But by the time I was 13 or 14, I had tried every drug you could possibly think of, had sex, took care of my mother and my brother, cleaned house every day, was addicted to cigarettes, had a bf that was like 23, had been in love with someone, had my heart broken and had been on my own off and on for years. I miss not having had a childhood. I miss not being able to run over to my friends house and play the pass out game. There's was a short time in my life where my Mother and Step-Father had found religion for a little and my life was almost good for like a year or so. We lived in Norfolk Va and I hung out with my friends and had sleep overs and stuff. That was the happiest time in my life as a child. I still had to take care of my little brother a lot but I usually just took him with me to my friends house or something. My best friend was the total opposite of me so she helped to keep me out of trouble a lot. (Thanks for that by the way). We used to spend every minute together. I think that's partly why I still consider her my best friend. It was the only time I had ever had a best friend. I was usually the bully in school so people were afraid of me or just didn't like me but for some reason she stood up to me. She wasn't afraid of me and she taught me that I didn't have to be that way all the time. I remember once at her house, me and her and her brother used to play the pass out all the time. Don't ask me why but we would make each other pass out.:) Well once my brother had to come with me over there and we were gonna play but both of our parents told us not to play that game because it killed our brain cells. Well my little was probably like 7 or something and he wanted to play. To get him not to tell on us we did it to him and usually when we passed out we would just like fall over and drool and stuff and then wake back up still kinda standing. Well my little brother fell over and started shaking and stuff. It was so scary. Later we all laughed about it but at the time I remember thinking that we had killed him or something. I don't remember playing it after that, we might have but I just remember that we all huddled around him and we were smacking him stuff trying to get him to wake up. I think that was probably as innocent as I ever was, was with her. I always felt like I could be whatever I wanted to be and do whatever I wanted to do with her. I felt free with her. Unafraid to be myself knowing that she wouldn't judge me because she was my best friend. With her I felt at home. It didn't matter where we were, she made me feel loved and I honestly have to say that she was probably my "first love" She was the first person outside of my family that I ever cared about. I would've died for her. I still would. We aren't close like that anymore. Partly because of moving away from each other and partly because we've grown up and grown apart. But I would still give everything I have and all of myself for her happiness and well being. I love her still. She will always have a special place inside of me that no one can touch. And if you happen to read this, don't comment. Just accept that I love you and you deserve it.