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So I just woke up. It's now...11:26 AM.
I've allowed myself to think far too much over the past several days. My mind has been wandering, being left astray and allowed to venture back and forth amongst a myriad of risky subjects. I've also been dreaming, very vividly, over my last few sleeping sessions (saying "nights" would be a disservice, since I have no tried and true sleeping pattern). All have featured either myself alone or myself + one other person (it's been the same person). What differs greatly is the setting and what is actually happening in said dreams. As I stand to venture that no one actually reads any of what I write here considering I really have no friends who use this anymore, I should spare the explicit details. Should anyone trip across this and care to know further, I'll oblige and edit this entry or just post a new one. In any other event, I'll just keep it to myself unless I really feel compelled to write what doesn't get read.
I've been bothered by preoccupation lately. Then again, I've been bothered by preoccupation for some time now. It's all been extremely hostile; I'll be managing well enough and without warning or provocation I'll let trigger a random thought that really lays my mood bare and leaves me rattled. My ego, for lack of better description, hasn't fared very well in the midst of all of this. A lot of it drives home feelings of inadequacy that leave me feeling a bit flushed. I suppose it comes with the territory.
It's taken all of my reserves not to be overly resentful the past several days. I've become a jealous person in regards to certain things and my feelings have been pretty unrelenting in the matter. Suffice it to say I haven't had much peace lately; in complete honesty, peace of mind has been a rare treat for me this year as a whole. I'll have moments which I relish and hold onto for dear life, then once they're gone they'll be replaced by something distressing that rears its ugly head for hours, sometimes days, on end. It's in those moments that all of those negative thoughts creep in and make themselves at home for lengthy periods.
The most damning part of it all is still knowing the impossibility of the proper solution ever coming. I keep reiterating that...and it makes it no less true with each passing time. The things I could do if given the opportunity. The new avenues and doors that could be opened up. The euphoria and relief that would be given. It's all a nice thought, but with it being a one sided ordeal I'm left to work with what little I have. I'm a pitiable human being at the moment, I fully admit that. Let's not confuse that fact.
Try as I might, I can't help but go back to those dreams. They're all connected despite the differences in setting; they're certainly connected in terms of the individuals who appear in them. I wish I could make sense of them or gather some semblance of hope from them.
Heh. For some reason a song I haven't thought about in years just popped into my head. When I was a kid my Mom had this cassette tape of various artists that I loved. It was the tape that introduced me to Elton John (the song - "I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That," which is still one of my top five favourite Elton John songs to this day) amongst others. I remember growing a particular fondness for a song called "Seasons Change" by Exposé while in Arkansas visiting my Aunt Liz. Standing in the middle of her yard as the sun set with my Sony Walkman and that cassette tape. That song just popped into my head after so many years. The last time I listened to it I must've been all of seven or eight years old.
...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BcWfpPgeAP4
...
Wow. All of these years later and this song finally comes full circle for me. It's crazy how music works with the memory to adapt and fit with new, fresh experiences. Blast from my past for sure, haha. Wow. Cheesy and auto-biographical. The 80s were something special, heh.
I've allowed myself to think far too much over the past several days. My mind has been wandering, being left astray and allowed to venture back and forth amongst a myriad of risky subjects. I've also been dreaming, very vividly, over my last few sleeping sessions (saying "nights" would be a disservice, since I have no tried and true sleeping pattern). All have featured either myself alone or myself + one other person (it's been the same person). What differs greatly is the setting and what is actually happening in said dreams. As I stand to venture that no one actually reads any of what I write here considering I really have no friends who use this anymore, I should spare the explicit details. Should anyone trip across this and care to know further, I'll oblige and edit this entry or just post a new one. In any other event, I'll just keep it to myself unless I really feel compelled to write what doesn't get read.
I've been bothered by preoccupation lately. Then again, I've been bothered by preoccupation for some time now. It's all been extremely hostile; I'll be managing well enough and without warning or provocation I'll let trigger a random thought that really lays my mood bare and leaves me rattled. My ego, for lack of better description, hasn't fared very well in the midst of all of this. A lot of it drives home feelings of inadequacy that leave me feeling a bit flushed. I suppose it comes with the territory.
It's taken all of my reserves not to be overly resentful the past several days. I've become a jealous person in regards to certain things and my feelings have been pretty unrelenting in the matter. Suffice it to say I haven't had much peace lately; in complete honesty, peace of mind has been a rare treat for me this year as a whole. I'll have moments which I relish and hold onto for dear life, then once they're gone they'll be replaced by something distressing that rears its ugly head for hours, sometimes days, on end. It's in those moments that all of those negative thoughts creep in and make themselves at home for lengthy periods.
The most damning part of it all is still knowing the impossibility of the proper solution ever coming. I keep reiterating that...and it makes it no less true with each passing time. The things I could do if given the opportunity. The new avenues and doors that could be opened up. The euphoria and relief that would be given. It's all a nice thought, but with it being a one sided ordeal I'm left to work with what little I have. I'm a pitiable human being at the moment, I fully admit that. Let's not confuse that fact.
Try as I might, I can't help but go back to those dreams. They're all connected despite the differences in setting; they're certainly connected in terms of the individuals who appear in them. I wish I could make sense of them or gather some semblance of hope from them.
Heh. For some reason a song I haven't thought about in years just popped into my head. When I was a kid my Mom had this cassette tape of various artists that I loved. It was the tape that introduced me to Elton John (the song - "I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That," which is still one of my top five favourite Elton John songs to this day) amongst others. I remember growing a particular fondness for a song called "Seasons Change" by Exposé while in Arkansas visiting my Aunt Liz. Standing in the middle of her yard as the sun set with my Sony Walkman and that cassette tape. That song just popped into my head after so many years. The last time I listened to it I must've been all of seven or eight years old.
...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BcWfpPgeAP4
...
Wow. All of these years later and this song finally comes full circle for me. It's crazy how music works with the memory to adapt and fit with new, fresh experiences. Blast from my past for sure, haha. Wow. Cheesy and auto-biographical. The 80s were something special, heh.