Annoyed
My mom is driving me crazy. I hate being in Augusta right now. Seriously, I got 17 hours of freedom yesterday and it was INCREDIBLE. I think I’ve gone into culture shock, basically. It’s like, I sorta resented the whole ‘mom telling me what to do’ before hand, but she’d built it up slowly since I’d come home so it wasn’t so bad. I got away and remembered exactly what life COULD be like, and I have never felt so miserable when I’m supposed to be ‘home’.
I seriously think that Statesboro is more my home now. If I can avoid it, I definitely won’t spend an entire three months here again, it’s cruel and unusual punishment.
I think the big thing is that my mom thinks I’m someone that I’m just…not. She has all these ideas...delusions of grandeur so to say. I’m the ‘perfect’ child and all that crap. I’m NOT. I just really suck and defending myself and what I think. Every moment living here is like a lie. I just hate it, I want to scream and shout and punch something.
I don’t make a good closet case anymore, not after being so open all school year.
What it really boils down to is that I need to tell my mom I’m bisexual, despite the fact that I know she won’t like it and likely won’t believe me and likely will be very pissed and have a big fight with me. I need to do it. And soon. Before I go absolutely mad, preferably. I keep checking myself, biting my tongue, biding my time…but WHY? I don’t really know. I just know she doesn’t believe it exists.
I think I’ll end up yelling at her that I hover around a four on the Kinsey scale and tell her to look it up, see what she thinks of me now.
But that’s really not in character for me. Yet neither is being straightforward and getting to any sort of point, so that’s probably how it will happen. I’ve had the opportunity to tell her, when it would flow right into the conversation (and oh how interesting that could be afterwards), but I always chicken out. I’m pathetic, really I am.
Oh, if this comes as any sort of shock to people on my friends list, sorry, but you’re rather slow. And I don’t plan on filtering this. I’m out, just not to mum and dad. Or Laura, but just because she can’t keep her mouth shut about like, anything.
Mom hates that I’m growing up. She wants me to be her little baby forever. And I’m NOT a baby; I’m 19 years old, for fuck’s sake. Stop being a pushy pain! SHEEZE. I can live my own life; I’d rather live my own life. I like living my own life, so let me!
Another thing, I miss Jamie. Yesterday was awesome, the whole dynamic thing was back. We start talking and it just gets crazy and it’s AWESOME. Seriously. I didn’t want to come home.
Justin pointed out to Steven (who told me afterwards) that Jamie and I are a lot a like. Steven went on to say that when we start jabbering (as he calls it) we go on a completely different wavelength and it gets almost impossible to follow. Hell, in retrospect even *I* don’t follow it all that well. But I miss that. I don’t have a friend like that here. I never really have before either. Now I do, I don’t like not having it for three damn months. Arg. Venting again.
Random Slightly Relevant Lyrics:
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
Or get into a play...
Or change my major...
Or fuck my T.A.
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
I wish I could go back to college!
How do I go back to college?!
AHHHH...
I wish I had taken more pictures.
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
"These kids are so much younger than me."
Not all of it fits, IE, I haven’t graduated and I don’t want to fuck any TA…but most of the rest? Yep. I’m ready. REALLY ready. Is it August yet?
I seriously think that Statesboro is more my home now. If I can avoid it, I definitely won’t spend an entire three months here again, it’s cruel and unusual punishment.
I think the big thing is that my mom thinks I’m someone that I’m just…not. She has all these ideas...delusions of grandeur so to say. I’m the ‘perfect’ child and all that crap. I’m NOT. I just really suck and defending myself and what I think. Every moment living here is like a lie. I just hate it, I want to scream and shout and punch something.
I don’t make a good closet case anymore, not after being so open all school year.
What it really boils down to is that I need to tell my mom I’m bisexual, despite the fact that I know she won’t like it and likely won’t believe me and likely will be very pissed and have a big fight with me. I need to do it. And soon. Before I go absolutely mad, preferably. I keep checking myself, biting my tongue, biding my time…but WHY? I don’t really know. I just know she doesn’t believe it exists.
I think I’ll end up yelling at her that I hover around a four on the Kinsey scale and tell her to look it up, see what she thinks of me now.
But that’s really not in character for me. Yet neither is being straightforward and getting to any sort of point, so that’s probably how it will happen. I’ve had the opportunity to tell her, when it would flow right into the conversation (and oh how interesting that could be afterwards), but I always chicken out. I’m pathetic, really I am.
Oh, if this comes as any sort of shock to people on my friends list, sorry, but you’re rather slow. And I don’t plan on filtering this. I’m out, just not to mum and dad. Or Laura, but just because she can’t keep her mouth shut about like, anything.
Mom hates that I’m growing up. She wants me to be her little baby forever. And I’m NOT a baby; I’m 19 years old, for fuck’s sake. Stop being a pushy pain! SHEEZE. I can live my own life; I’d rather live my own life. I like living my own life, so let me!
Another thing, I miss Jamie. Yesterday was awesome, the whole dynamic thing was back. We start talking and it just gets crazy and it’s AWESOME. Seriously. I didn’t want to come home.
Justin pointed out to Steven (who told me afterwards) that Jamie and I are a lot a like. Steven went on to say that when we start jabbering (as he calls it) we go on a completely different wavelength and it gets almost impossible to follow. Hell, in retrospect even *I* don’t follow it all that well. But I miss that. I don’t have a friend like that here. I never really have before either. Now I do, I don’t like not having it for three damn months. Arg. Venting again.
Random Slightly Relevant Lyrics:
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
Or get into a play...
Or change my major...
Or fuck my T.A.
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
I wish I could go back to college!
How do I go back to college?!
AHHHH...
I wish I had taken more pictures.
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
"These kids are so much younger than me."
Not all of it fits, IE, I haven’t graduated and I don’t want to fuck any TA…but most of the rest? Yep. I’m ready. REALLY ready. Is it August yet?