ugly as sin
it snowed like... what... 12 inches or something? in the city today the snow was like gray slushie mix pouring down the sides of buildings. my train was delayed a half hour, then canceled, then delayed.
in a surprising move, andrew dumped me after a whole 9 days of attempting half-assedly to pretend like he was "over" his ex-girlfriend and has since ceased all communication with me. super. that makes me feel like the worlds biggest fucking chump-- completely lied to, duped, and then left in a mire of confusion to sort out a rage of feelings built up over a period of months that might never have been really returned, appreciated, or acknowledged.
and still my job search goes on.
so now i am alone (again), broke (as usual), confused as all living fucking hell about my feelings and the general state of affairs in my heart, and without a single thing to lift me out of the daily trudge except the weekends, which i fully intend to spend this one completely drunk.
hopefully two days in a row.
perhaps the worst part is the fact that ive really changed a lot of things about my life. ive paid off an enormous amount of bills. ive lost 22 pounds and counting since graduation. i get 7 hours of sleep a night, sometimes more. i work extra hard at my job, even though it makes me want to bleed from the eyes out of sheer rage... and yet for what? so i can be sidelined, ignored, lied to, and frustrated by things both in and out of my control?
ugh this whole adult life thing is very hard. so incredibly hard.
the truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. for it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.
in a surprising move, andrew dumped me after a whole 9 days of attempting half-assedly to pretend like he was "over" his ex-girlfriend and has since ceased all communication with me. super. that makes me feel like the worlds biggest fucking chump-- completely lied to, duped, and then left in a mire of confusion to sort out a rage of feelings built up over a period of months that might never have been really returned, appreciated, or acknowledged.
and still my job search goes on.
so now i am alone (again), broke (as usual), confused as all living fucking hell about my feelings and the general state of affairs in my heart, and without a single thing to lift me out of the daily trudge except the weekends, which i fully intend to spend this one completely drunk.
hopefully two days in a row.
perhaps the worst part is the fact that ive really changed a lot of things about my life. ive paid off an enormous amount of bills. ive lost 22 pounds and counting since graduation. i get 7 hours of sleep a night, sometimes more. i work extra hard at my job, even though it makes me want to bleed from the eyes out of sheer rage... and yet for what? so i can be sidelined, ignored, lied to, and frustrated by things both in and out of my control?
ugh this whole adult life thing is very hard. so incredibly hard.
the truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. for it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.