coming clean...
well today, i went to Ellies party, and it was really fun.. a lotta stuff was going on... i dunno... but at the end, i just had a nervous breakdown off the stuff i saw and realized, and just felt really indifferent..just like simple stuff like i ask for something and someone gives me an excuse, and they go give it to the other person like all nite.. and its like i really didnt fit in with anyone because i kinda stand out, and i'm not ur average person..It has NOTHING to do with anything in paticular.. its just really like the stuff i saw all nite was like everyone just was just like FUCK OFF! in their own little polite way.. its also like all that stuff that OTHER ppl can get away with, but of course NOT ME..like if i do it, they'll like cuss me out or say i'm annoying or something, but if THEY do it, it's hilarious.. its like everyone is scared of me or something.. well the truth is, they probably are.. i HATE IT... I mean i KNOW i could have Lasted and this whole thing could have been avoided, but i dont know how much i can take at one time. I mean, i was having a good time and i positively dont regret going. But it was like if i tried to blend in w/ ppl more by talking more and having fun, but i had no idea if they would accept me, hate me, like me, w/e. its not like anyone was like all different around me.. i wasnt even afraid of evey.. and she even was like talking to me and playin around and stuff.. and Szimi was there.. it bothered me at first cuz i thought she would get pissed that i came and stuff.. but no.. i even like sorta talked to her.. for like the first time in like a year...in person.. I was really worried when she was "missing".. because Arpy told me that Szimi was like gonna say sorry to me or something..well she never did, but w/e, she said she was going to, so i dont think she HATES me still.. so i was happy..Well more than happy cuz i never thought we would make up.. Ellie, u even read on that Letter i had to Write to myself to open in the future for ms. Forslunds class.. it was ALL about hoping Szimi & i could just forget about All that Stuff that happened..But THATS not what i was pissed about..i knew i was gonna get all polar so i just went outside and sat on the floor for like 10 minutes to clear my head.. then everyone starts coming outside and stuff, so i went inside and asked if i could get picked up.. so then i walked around and had this emotional attack, over something really not worth being all upset about... Then i think i cried for like 15 minutes walking around the apts. i never get like that in public.. then i tried to erase everything from my mind, and it worked... but not for long.. I really thought about just walking of the roof to make my problems all just disappear, but i have at least some stuff to live for so i KNOW i would never actually do it... so then i tried to act like nothings wrong and waited to get picked up.. Then Marisa saw me or something and was all asking me whats wrong, and i just lied and said, it was too hot in the room.. eventually A bunch of ppl left, so i went to go wait by the gate.. Then like ellie and becca and savannah come out of nowhere really and catch me tearing up.. of course i said nothings wrong, but they didnt believe me.. but it was extremely embarrasing because i didnt know how to handle the situation, so i was just pacing around and trying to convince them that nothings wrong.. even though i have the ability to smile when i'm sad, i still have the tears..... its just if u know me, u would kno i have bi-polar dis. and when it gets late, i have these attacks.. it happens almost every day, even from little things.. i still feel really bad, cuz it was like i ruined all my friendships and everything by geting all sad..