[SW Fic] Between a Rock and a Tight Place
Title: Between a Rock and a TIght Place
Author: themacunleashed
Summary: Anakin and Obi-Wan are stuck in a tight space. Things get awkward. Crack!fic, and unabashedly so.
Characters/pairings: Anakin, Obi-Wan -see note at the bottom if you want more.
Warnings: Second sentence at the bottom.
Rating: T -with what they put in PG-13 movies these days, it's appropriate.
Obi-Wan was extremely uncomfortable.
He didn't like dark places on the best of days, not since the incident with Qui-Gon, his sleeping chambers, and the spider. And another thing; it was cramped. He had to draw in his knees to rest against his chest just to avoid constantly kicking Anakin (a courtesy that his ex-Padawan had not been observing, as his bruised shins were testimony to; that was also subtracting from the overall pleasantness of the situation.)
And on top of all that, he and Anakin were buried Force-knew-how-many meters underground, with Force-knew-how-many meters of rock keeping them from accessing the tunnel that they had originally used to attempt to infiltrate the Separatist base. Which didn't seem to have existed in the first place, although if it had it was certainly gone now, sacrificed in an oh-so-noble way. Namely, having been buried beneath an ungodly large pile of debris when the entire damned cavern had collapsed on him and his men because of a droid's well-placed blaster bolt.
At least, Obi-Wan was fairly sure that it had been one of Gunray's soldiers that had single-handedly managed to bring the cave down. It didn't really matter at this point. He hadn't a clue whether any of the troopers had made it out, and if they had, then it seemed inappropriate to spit in the face of a miracle by demanding to know if they had been the ones to cause all of this.
"Hey, I think this is a good angle," said Anakin, arching his 'saber's hilt. "Maybe-"
"You realize that if you ignite that, you'll cleave straight through my shoulder?" Anakin's crusade to bring light to the extremely tight space, as good intentioned as it was, had gotten irritating the second it began, which had been about three hours ago, according to his internal chrono (his external one had been hit by flying rocks, and thus its "indestructible" label revoked, as it had been with his comlink, and possibly several of his ribs.)
"Can't you sacrifice a few tendons or muscles or testosterone or whatever it is in your shoulder for the greater good?" asked Anakin. Obi-Wan was fairly sure he was scowling.
"I don't think that… never mind. And while I normally wouldn't mind the occasional lightsaber piercing me, I don't want it to ruin my concentration."
"I didn't think that leaning back and breathing required that much concentration."
"I'm doing a Force-scan of the cavern. There might be a few stones that we can focus on together that will cause a chain reaction and give us enough of an opening to start making our way out."
"And how's that going?"
"Have patience, Anakin. I've only been at it for three hours."
"Three?" Anakin's booted foot kicked Obi-Wan as he straightened up. "What were you doing for all of the others, then?"
"What are you talking about? There haven't been any other hours. My inner clock says that we've been stuck here for three hours, and I'm quite sure that's correct."
"Well, I'm quite sure that your inner clock is about four hours off."
It was a futile argument. Obi-Wan just shut his eyes and closed his mouth, and resumed his Force-search.
After a moment, Anakin asked, "Do you think we'll die in here?"
"Yes, we probably will if you keep using up all of the air for asking a fool's questions."
"I thought so." Anakin dropped his lightsaber and gave a resigned sigh.
Obi-Wan felt bad for a moment, and then he felt bad about feeling bad, since that was clearly what Anakin wanted. Then he remembered that, as a Jedi, he wasn't supposed to have any emotions at all, and thus his inner turmoil was completely void. "Trust the Force, Anakin."
"I trust the Force about as much as I trust banks. Which is to say, I put my life in their hands, but I'm not happy about it."
Obi-Wan made a non-committal noise. Whatever worked for Anakin, he thought tiredly as he resumed his Force-scan. Whatever.
About an hour later, he still hadn't found anything, but Anakin also hadn't spoken anymore. It was the epitome of a mixed blessing, really.
And then it became a curse. "You know, I have relatively few regrets about dying," said Anakin thoughtfully, and then he added, "Although I suppose you can't say the same thing."
"That depends on whether or not I die listening to your voice."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of." Anakin kicked Obi-Wan in the shins as he stretched and patted him on the shoulder. Obi-Wan could feel Anakin's condescending soak through the torn cloth of his robe. "I'd be embarrassed too, if... you know."
"No, actually, I don't. Please enlighten me." He opened his eyes, temporarily forgoing his search for an escape.
"You'll talk about it? Wow. I mean, I guess it's your business. That's brave, though. I'd be too ashamed to. Not that there's anything wrong with it."
"Anakin, for Force's sake, stop talking in riddles."
Anakin continued on as if he hadn't heard him, which would have been quite a feat, given that they were stuffed inside a space that was well under two square meters. "I do feel bad for you, though. I certainly..." he trailed off.
"Anakin, speak. Now."
"I wouldn't want to die a virgin."
Obi-Wan choked on dust, saliva, and astonishment. "What did you just say?"
"You know. It must be kind of embarrassing to die without experiencing what it feels like when two people love each other very much-"
"Are you insinuating that I'm a virgin? And, of course, that there's anything wrong with a personal choice such as that?"
"Oh, I'm not insinuating anything. I'm coming right out and saying it. I mean, I wouldn't be bothered if you were saving yourself, or if sex weren't your thing," Anakin assured him. "Nothing wrong with that. It's just that, I got the idea it was from those holovids I found-"
"I know what you're talking about," Obi-Wan said stiffly.
"Yeah, those. They sort of gave me that idea." Anakin paused, not nearly long enough to let Obi-Wan think that he had developed any sort of tact. "So, what's it like?"
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and didn't speak. Instead, he tried to immerse himself in the Force; release the mildly homicidal feelings that he was currently having towards his former Padawan. It wasn't going very well.
It took about ten minutes, by Obi-Wan's internal chrono, but Anakin finally seemed to take the hint. "Sor-ry," he muttered, drawing the word out into two syllables as he kicked Obi-Wan in the ankles as he readjusted his legs. "I wouldn't have brought it up if I'd known how sensitive you were about it."
He ignored that as well, and hoped that Anakin would have enough class to let it rest.
Which, as it turned out, he did, for about another ten minutes. "You know, Master, if you really regret it -I mean, I wouldn't make this offer to just anyone, but- well-"
"Anakin? Please, please don't be suggesting what I think you are." He stretched his reach in the Force to its limit and then beyond. He had pulled several of his Force-muscles already; this wouldn't hurt all that much more. He was, he decided, never going to open his eyes again. As long as they were closed he was dreaming… it was happy and cheerful and he could wake up whenever he wanted…
"Well, I'm just saying. If we die, we're not going to have to worry about all of the emotional angst that'll go along with you losing your-"
And, with that, what little self-control Obi-Wan had was pushed away into the netherworlds, and he snapped, only distantly aware of the loud buzzing noise that was filling the cavern, "Anakin, I am not going to lose my virginity to you. No. We are not fornicating here!"
Anakin was oddly silent.
Obi-Wan opened his eyes and saw Rex, Cody, and about all of the other big-name clone troopers standing beside Ahsoka, who was presiding over a pile of demolished rock. Anakin had absorbed whatever impact they had made, but he looked fine. Much heavier things had dropped upon his head with even less effect.
Ahsoka spoke first. "…Masters?"
"You don't want to know, Padawan -no, it isn't like that- it's nothing bad, not really -let's just get out of here, shall we?"
*
*
*
*
Note, because I apparently fail at spoilertext forever: This contains discussions of sex between Anakin and Obi-Wan; however, it is not, in the technical sense, Anakin/Obi-Wan. Again, as a warning: talks about copulation. Not graphically, but it's there.
Author: themacunleashed
Summary: Anakin and Obi-Wan are stuck in a tight space. Things get awkward. Crack!fic, and unabashedly so.
Characters/pairings: Anakin, Obi-Wan -see note at the bottom if you want more.
Warnings: Second sentence at the bottom.
Rating: T -with what they put in PG-13 movies these days, it's appropriate.
Obi-Wan was extremely uncomfortable.
He didn't like dark places on the best of days, not since the incident with Qui-Gon, his sleeping chambers, and the spider. And another thing; it was cramped. He had to draw in his knees to rest against his chest just to avoid constantly kicking Anakin (a courtesy that his ex-Padawan had not been observing, as his bruised shins were testimony to; that was also subtracting from the overall pleasantness of the situation.)
And on top of all that, he and Anakin were buried Force-knew-how-many meters underground, with Force-knew-how-many meters of rock keeping them from accessing the tunnel that they had originally used to attempt to infiltrate the Separatist base. Which didn't seem to have existed in the first place, although if it had it was certainly gone now, sacrificed in an oh-so-noble way. Namely, having been buried beneath an ungodly large pile of debris when the entire damned cavern had collapsed on him and his men because of a droid's well-placed blaster bolt.
At least, Obi-Wan was fairly sure that it had been one of Gunray's soldiers that had single-handedly managed to bring the cave down. It didn't really matter at this point. He hadn't a clue whether any of the troopers had made it out, and if they had, then it seemed inappropriate to spit in the face of a miracle by demanding to know if they had been the ones to cause all of this.
"Hey, I think this is a good angle," said Anakin, arching his 'saber's hilt. "Maybe-"
"You realize that if you ignite that, you'll cleave straight through my shoulder?" Anakin's crusade to bring light to the extremely tight space, as good intentioned as it was, had gotten irritating the second it began, which had been about three hours ago, according to his internal chrono (his external one had been hit by flying rocks, and thus its "indestructible" label revoked, as it had been with his comlink, and possibly several of his ribs.)
"Can't you sacrifice a few tendons or muscles or testosterone or whatever it is in your shoulder for the greater good?" asked Anakin. Obi-Wan was fairly sure he was scowling.
"I don't think that… never mind. And while I normally wouldn't mind the occasional lightsaber piercing me, I don't want it to ruin my concentration."
"I didn't think that leaning back and breathing required that much concentration."
"I'm doing a Force-scan of the cavern. There might be a few stones that we can focus on together that will cause a chain reaction and give us enough of an opening to start making our way out."
"And how's that going?"
"Have patience, Anakin. I've only been at it for three hours."
"Three?" Anakin's booted foot kicked Obi-Wan as he straightened up. "What were you doing for all of the others, then?"
"What are you talking about? There haven't been any other hours. My inner clock says that we've been stuck here for three hours, and I'm quite sure that's correct."
"Well, I'm quite sure that your inner clock is about four hours off."
It was a futile argument. Obi-Wan just shut his eyes and closed his mouth, and resumed his Force-search.
After a moment, Anakin asked, "Do you think we'll die in here?"
"Yes, we probably will if you keep using up all of the air for asking a fool's questions."
"I thought so." Anakin dropped his lightsaber and gave a resigned sigh.
Obi-Wan felt bad for a moment, and then he felt bad about feeling bad, since that was clearly what Anakin wanted. Then he remembered that, as a Jedi, he wasn't supposed to have any emotions at all, and thus his inner turmoil was completely void. "Trust the Force, Anakin."
"I trust the Force about as much as I trust banks. Which is to say, I put my life in their hands, but I'm not happy about it."
Obi-Wan made a non-committal noise. Whatever worked for Anakin, he thought tiredly as he resumed his Force-scan. Whatever.
About an hour later, he still hadn't found anything, but Anakin also hadn't spoken anymore. It was the epitome of a mixed blessing, really.
And then it became a curse. "You know, I have relatively few regrets about dying," said Anakin thoughtfully, and then he added, "Although I suppose you can't say the same thing."
"That depends on whether or not I die listening to your voice."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of." Anakin kicked Obi-Wan in the shins as he stretched and patted him on the shoulder. Obi-Wan could feel Anakin's condescending soak through the torn cloth of his robe. "I'd be embarrassed too, if... you know."
"No, actually, I don't. Please enlighten me." He opened his eyes, temporarily forgoing his search for an escape.
"You'll talk about it? Wow. I mean, I guess it's your business. That's brave, though. I'd be too ashamed to. Not that there's anything wrong with it."
"Anakin, for Force's sake, stop talking in riddles."
Anakin continued on as if he hadn't heard him, which would have been quite a feat, given that they were stuffed inside a space that was well under two square meters. "I do feel bad for you, though. I certainly..." he trailed off.
"Anakin, speak. Now."
"I wouldn't want to die a virgin."
Obi-Wan choked on dust, saliva, and astonishment. "What did you just say?"
"You know. It must be kind of embarrassing to die without experiencing what it feels like when two people love each other very much-"
"Are you insinuating that I'm a virgin? And, of course, that there's anything wrong with a personal choice such as that?"
"Oh, I'm not insinuating anything. I'm coming right out and saying it. I mean, I wouldn't be bothered if you were saving yourself, or if sex weren't your thing," Anakin assured him. "Nothing wrong with that. It's just that, I got the idea it was from those holovids I found-"
"I know what you're talking about," Obi-Wan said stiffly.
"Yeah, those. They sort of gave me that idea." Anakin paused, not nearly long enough to let Obi-Wan think that he had developed any sort of tact. "So, what's it like?"
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and didn't speak. Instead, he tried to immerse himself in the Force; release the mildly homicidal feelings that he was currently having towards his former Padawan. It wasn't going very well.
It took about ten minutes, by Obi-Wan's internal chrono, but Anakin finally seemed to take the hint. "Sor-ry," he muttered, drawing the word out into two syllables as he kicked Obi-Wan in the ankles as he readjusted his legs. "I wouldn't have brought it up if I'd known how sensitive you were about it."
He ignored that as well, and hoped that Anakin would have enough class to let it rest.
Which, as it turned out, he did, for about another ten minutes. "You know, Master, if you really regret it -I mean, I wouldn't make this offer to just anyone, but- well-"
"Anakin? Please, please don't be suggesting what I think you are." He stretched his reach in the Force to its limit and then beyond. He had pulled several of his Force-muscles already; this wouldn't hurt all that much more. He was, he decided, never going to open his eyes again. As long as they were closed he was dreaming… it was happy and cheerful and he could wake up whenever he wanted…
"Well, I'm just saying. If we die, we're not going to have to worry about all of the emotional angst that'll go along with you losing your-"
And, with that, what little self-control Obi-Wan had was pushed away into the netherworlds, and he snapped, only distantly aware of the loud buzzing noise that was filling the cavern, "Anakin, I am not going to lose my virginity to you. No. We are not fornicating here!"
Anakin was oddly silent.
Obi-Wan opened his eyes and saw Rex, Cody, and about all of the other big-name clone troopers standing beside Ahsoka, who was presiding over a pile of demolished rock. Anakin had absorbed whatever impact they had made, but he looked fine. Much heavier things had dropped upon his head with even less effect.
Ahsoka spoke first. "…Masters?"
"You don't want to know, Padawan -no, it isn't like that- it's nothing bad, not really -let's just get out of here, shall we?"
*
*
*
*
Note, because I apparently fail at spoilertext forever: This contains discussions of sex between Anakin and Obi-Wan; however, it is not, in the technical sense, Anakin/Obi-Wan. Again, as a warning: talks about copulation. Not graphically, but it's there.