Derp derp...
I'm not sure where I should post my thoughts now that I have Facebook, Twitter, and DA. I had a Xanga and a Blogger at one point, but alas... bleh. I think most of my super personal/don't want work to read entries are most appropriate here. Limited people pay attention and I can just throw down with whatever. It's actually kind of cool... it's a "public" journal, but with hardly anybody following it, I can kind of just say anything... LIKE A JOURNAL IN REAL LIFE! I remember those...
I guess there are a couple of things going on that are semi-important and semi-private...
The first thing is my marriage. (That's weird to say... "my marriage" That fucking floors me) It's going well, Alex and I are very open about everything and the more I read about the "dos and don'ts" of a relationship in all these silly little Yahoo/Huffington Post/etc. articles the more I realize that I had all these similar problems and they just smoothed out with time, maturity, and understanding. I used to be super selfish with Alex's time, I would act all "woe is me" to get him to cave in with disagreements, and I used to say "I" a lot without really listening. However, we grew through all of it. Gah, especially those times in jr. high/high school when I would make him somewhat jealous of cartoon characters (I still can't quite forgive myself yet for all that garbage) There's just one little thing we've been talking about though that I'm trying to figure out if it will lead down a path of destruction...
Open relationships.
Right now, I have a really close friend that lives in Olympia (I actually used to babysit him... but keep in mind he's only about 4 years younger than me) and we've been hanging out, smoking, talking about old times (old times = 13 years ago) and just philosophizing about anything. I'm a sucker for intellectual stimulation. Well, he and I have started to develop not so much a crush on eachother, but a curiosity. What would it be like in the sack? Now, this isn't a secret or anything as I've discussed it with Alex and he seems for it. "Hey man, you wanna explore, I ain't gonna stop you. Just please come back to me when you're done." I was officially given the OK to do it, but it's one of those situations where the "yes" is really not enough for me to go through with it. Even if I want to. My relationship is incredibly important, not to mention this said person is also in a relationship where he has also been given a slight OK from his girlfriend to do this. Well, we texted recently and have spoken in person regarding the situation, and we both decided that it just isn't worth it right now, but maybe in the future. He has a very self conscious girlfriend, but she is also very sweet. I drew an anniversary picture for them, for goodness sakes. So, I'll just let it alone for now and feel good in knowing that I'm still attractive in both looks and personality LOL!
I've got a good thing going right now, why change? I think it's just wanting to see what's out there. Many of my friends are in open relationships and frequent the sex clubs in Seattle, so that may also be why I've been considering it. Also, I got married at a reasonable age (24) to a guy that was not only my high school (hell, junior high) sweetheart, but was also quite literally my first EVERYTHING. Well, I guess my official first kiss was with a dude that I don't particularly care for, so I don't count him. BUT! I've sort of skipped the whole dating exploration aspect of being a teenager/young adult. However, Alex is a great guy, and even after everything we've been through, I can say all the bad times have made us stronger... from the visit to planned parenthood back in 10th grade to the suicide of one of our best friends last year, we have stuck it through together.
What else... oh yeah, my new job. It's been interesting... I enjoy it to some extent, but at the same time I've developed a severe anxiety over it. Insurance is tricky. So many awkward scenarios thrown at me, mistakes are made, and I'm lucky enough to be working with and for very patient people. I have gone above and beyond expectations as I've been one of the only people in my boss' new business venture to not drag my feet. Shoot, I occasionally drive all the way to Kirkland to work in their main office doing some filing, scanning, and phone calling (I get $15/hr. because I have to drive all the way out there which is pretty nice) The one aspect that scares me the most about it all is I have to go out and prospect at the car dealerships in Kitsap county and parts of Pierce county. It doesn't sound so hard, but I am in no way a natural salesman. I have unresolved social anxieties, and the only way I've been able to deal with it is to just go out there and do it. And I do, of course, but it doesn't make me any less of an emotional wreck as I've lost sleep over it and have had a panic attack or two. My brain's an asshole.
In fact, now that I have health insurance, I am looking in to seeking some therapy. Unless it's absolutely necessary, I don't want to medicate myself for anxiety. I would much rather get some help to work through my problems and have some strategies to combat this urge to run and hide. Alex and I were discussing that this could impact future jobs in education, but I'm not really nervous about talking to students or parents... because I'm not soliciting. We'll see how it goes... and I'm also curious as to what my first paycheck's gonna look like. Not sure how commissions for these sales are going to distribute, but I'll know either today or tomorrow.
The upside to working from home is that I have time around the house to practice oboe/piano and draw comic strips. I just need more motivation to do it rather than gluing myself to the computer and pissing the day away. Like what I'm doing right now. I should probably split.
I guess there are a couple of things going on that are semi-important and semi-private...
The first thing is my marriage. (That's weird to say... "my marriage" That fucking floors me) It's going well, Alex and I are very open about everything and the more I read about the "dos and don'ts" of a relationship in all these silly little Yahoo/Huffington Post/etc. articles the more I realize that I had all these similar problems and they just smoothed out with time, maturity, and understanding. I used to be super selfish with Alex's time, I would act all "woe is me" to get him to cave in with disagreements, and I used to say "I" a lot without really listening. However, we grew through all of it. Gah, especially those times in jr. high/high school when I would make him somewhat jealous of cartoon characters (I still can't quite forgive myself yet for all that garbage) There's just one little thing we've been talking about though that I'm trying to figure out if it will lead down a path of destruction...
Open relationships.
Right now, I have a really close friend that lives in Olympia (I actually used to babysit him... but keep in mind he's only about 4 years younger than me) and we've been hanging out, smoking, talking about old times (old times = 13 years ago) and just philosophizing about anything. I'm a sucker for intellectual stimulation. Well, he and I have started to develop not so much a crush on eachother, but a curiosity. What would it be like in the sack? Now, this isn't a secret or anything as I've discussed it with Alex and he seems for it. "Hey man, you wanna explore, I ain't gonna stop you. Just please come back to me when you're done." I was officially given the OK to do it, but it's one of those situations where the "yes" is really not enough for me to go through with it. Even if I want to. My relationship is incredibly important, not to mention this said person is also in a relationship where he has also been given a slight OK from his girlfriend to do this. Well, we texted recently and have spoken in person regarding the situation, and we both decided that it just isn't worth it right now, but maybe in the future. He has a very self conscious girlfriend, but she is also very sweet. I drew an anniversary picture for them, for goodness sakes. So, I'll just let it alone for now and feel good in knowing that I'm still attractive in both looks and personality LOL!
I've got a good thing going right now, why change? I think it's just wanting to see what's out there. Many of my friends are in open relationships and frequent the sex clubs in Seattle, so that may also be why I've been considering it. Also, I got married at a reasonable age (24) to a guy that was not only my high school (hell, junior high) sweetheart, but was also quite literally my first EVERYTHING. Well, I guess my official first kiss was with a dude that I don't particularly care for, so I don't count him. BUT! I've sort of skipped the whole dating exploration aspect of being a teenager/young adult. However, Alex is a great guy, and even after everything we've been through, I can say all the bad times have made us stronger... from the visit to planned parenthood back in 10th grade to the suicide of one of our best friends last year, we have stuck it through together.
What else... oh yeah, my new job. It's been interesting... I enjoy it to some extent, but at the same time I've developed a severe anxiety over it. Insurance is tricky. So many awkward scenarios thrown at me, mistakes are made, and I'm lucky enough to be working with and for very patient people. I have gone above and beyond expectations as I've been one of the only people in my boss' new business venture to not drag my feet. Shoot, I occasionally drive all the way to Kirkland to work in their main office doing some filing, scanning, and phone calling (I get $15/hr. because I have to drive all the way out there which is pretty nice) The one aspect that scares me the most about it all is I have to go out and prospect at the car dealerships in Kitsap county and parts of Pierce county. It doesn't sound so hard, but I am in no way a natural salesman. I have unresolved social anxieties, and the only way I've been able to deal with it is to just go out there and do it. And I do, of course, but it doesn't make me any less of an emotional wreck as I've lost sleep over it and have had a panic attack or two. My brain's an asshole.
In fact, now that I have health insurance, I am looking in to seeking some therapy. Unless it's absolutely necessary, I don't want to medicate myself for anxiety. I would much rather get some help to work through my problems and have some strategies to combat this urge to run and hide. Alex and I were discussing that this could impact future jobs in education, but I'm not really nervous about talking to students or parents... because I'm not soliciting. We'll see how it goes... and I'm also curious as to what my first paycheck's gonna look like. Not sure how commissions for these sales are going to distribute, but I'll know either today or tomorrow.
The upside to working from home is that I have time around the house to practice oboe/piano and draw comic strips. I just need more motivation to do it rather than gluing myself to the computer and pissing the day away. Like what I'm doing right now. I should probably split.