Thinking hurts
Being me is no picnic.
There are times where I want to be surrounded by lots of friends and/or family and have meaningful or fun conversations. There are even more times where I want to cut myself off from the rest of the world and just fade away from existence.
Which is odd when you consider that, during said time of hermitude, I often wonder if the people I know are even thinking about me at any given point of any day, wondering how I am. I want to feel as though I matter in people's lives without being the center of attention (Hmm.....maybe that was partly why I was considered going into wrestling training last year).
It's stupid of me to think like this, I know. The people that are in my life are in my life because they DO care about me. But I can't help myself. The irrational part of me takes over for the most part and these thoughts take hold in my mind. And it's very hard to shake. And I do what I always do; hold it in until it hurts me mentally and emotionally. It puts me in a funk where I feel at times bitter, stressed, burnt out or just plain sad. I don't always vent to my friends/loved ones like I know I should. 99% of the time I can't even collect my scattered thoughts into a cohesive discussion. So instead of trying, I push everything aside and go about my business. It seems to work just fine. Except for that whole bottling up of emotions.
Bah......details.
I think it's because of all this that I've let myself go physically, with my motivation to change this fact constantly turning on and off like a light switch. With a few exceptions, I'm constantly wearing a baggy shirt and sweats, even when I find the energy to drag myself outside. It's affecting how I carry myself at work, the time I spend with my husband. Hell, even my dogs sense it; they mope around the house right along with me.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I need the verbal validation of others to know that I matter. I shouldn't have to need to hear it every single day. I should just know that people love me and have that be enough. It's so greedy of me.
That is all for tonight. I am spent x_X