The Social Network fic: Must Be a Devil Between Us
Must Be a Devil Between Us
Summary: A Social Network/Scott Pilgrim fusion. Title from the Pixies’ “Hey”.
“Mark. Care to explain why the Winklevoss twins punched me in the face today?” Eduardo asks.
Mark glances quickly at Eduardo, then looks away. “Uh. You may have to defeat my five evil exes if we’re going to date.”
“Wait. So I have to fight five of your ex-boyfriends to be with you?”
ETA: This story has been translated into Chinese by the lovely cipher0099! You can find it here.
Begin
#
As soon as Eduardo gets home from class, Chris pops out of the kitchen and smirks. “So Eduardo, how was your day?”
“Before you hear some dirty lies from someone else, yes, I’m dating a 17 year old,” Eduardo says quickly.
EDUARDO SAVERIN, 21 YEARS OLD, RATING: AWESOME.
“Aw, does this mean you’re not going to buy me drinks anymore?” Chris asks.
CHRIS HUGHES, ROOMMATE, 19 YEARS OLD, RATING: SYMPATHETIC (usually).
“Do you see anyone else with a legal ID?”
“Guess not. So how’d you meet her?”
“Remember that Bill Gates talk I went to for extra credit? Christy was sitting in the row behind me. After the talk, she introduced herself and said we should hang out some time, maybe get some coffee.”
“How cute. Young, illegal love at first sight,” Chris coos.
Dustin chooses this moment to walk in, because no news about Eduardo’s love life is sacred. “Underage girlfriend? Scandalous!” he cries mockingly.
DUSTIN MOSKOVITZ, OTHER ROOMMATE, 19 YEARS OLD, RATING: RIDICULOUS.
“It’s a Catholic school, too. With a uniform and everything,” Eduardo replies sheepishly.
Chris just shakes his head. “That is so wrong. It’s almost like babysitting or something.”
“Shit, I’m late for our coffee date. Gotta go, see you later!” Eduardo runs out the door, jamming his jacket on as he runs down the stairs.
#
“Did you know that you can use weather patterns to predict the price of oil?” Eduardo confides to Christy as he sets their mugs down on the table.
“Wow, really? That is like, so cool!”
Eduardo takes a moment to sip at his coffee in a worldly manner and says, “Yeah, this past summer I made a nice bit of change just from sitting at home watching the weather channel.”
“That’s amazing. You’re like, the smartest guy I’ve ever dated,” Christy breathes out.
CHRISTY LEE, 17 YEARS OLD, STATUS: (BOY) CRAZY.
Of course this is when Erica, who is passing by their table, decides to butt in. “You must have been dating first graders if you think Eduardo is even remotely intelligent.”
ERICA ALBRIGHT, 19 YEARS OLD, STATUS: GOES TO B.U.
Eduardo shuts his eyes and curses Dustin’s on-and-off girlfriend for her bat ears that overheard his conversation about final party clubs and the (hotter-than-her) girls they had. “Thank you, Erica,” he grumbles.
“I’m just letting her know what she’s in for. I guess I’ll see you at the AEPi party tonight; try not to pick up any more middle schoolers on your way there,” Erica shoots as she walks away.
Christy turns awkwardly back to Eduardo. “Anyways… Alice and I are totally going to that acappella concert next weekend, my mom already said it was OK since it’s educational. You should totally come too, it’ll be like a secret date!”
Eduardo nods. “Yeah, sure, I’ll see if maybe my roommates want to come.”
#
Chris, Dustin, and Eduardo walk into the gym, shivering from the October cold in their cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirts. Dustin takes off towards Erica, who sends him off again to get drinks. Chris spots a cute guy from his English class and goes over to flirt, leaving Eduardo alone by the coat check-in.
He spots Billy standing by the keg, then lets his gaze wander over the rest of the gym. There’s a small group drunk girls and guys flailing along to the cheesy Caribbean music, a group of AEPi guys taking shots, and - one guy standing upright against the wall, looking completely disinterested. He’s wearing shorts and sandals like the rest of them, but has a hand curled up in his hoodie pocket and a t-shirt beneath that. Eduardo is intrigued; who is this guy?
#
“Billy!”
Billy finishes his beer and lets out a belch. “Eduardo, hey, how’s it goin’!”
BILLY OLSEN, 20 YEARS OLD, STATUS: PARTY ANIMAL.
“You know everyone who comes to these parties, right? What can you tell me about that guy over there?” Eduardo tips his head discreetly towards the mysterious guy, who still looks bored.
“Oh, him? That’s Mark Zuckerberg. Guy’s a coding whiz; I heard he built a program that recommended new music based on your current playlist when he was still in high school. Supposedly, Microsoft tried to buy it, and it even got the attention of that Napster guy, Sean Parker.”
“Ok, thanks, bye!” Eduardo heads over to Mark.
#
“So hey, did you know that you can use weather patterns to predict the price of oil?” Eduardo says as he sidles up to the curly-haired boy.
Mark turns to look at Eduardo, giving him a sharply unimpressed look. “Yeah, great.” He turns away to contemplate the projection screen on the other wall, playing a loop of a waterfall.
Eduardo deflates. “I… guess I’ll just leave you alone now.”
“Thanks.”
#
Eduardo slams the door shut and lets his bag drop to the ground. “Professor Graves is such an asshole! I need a beer.”
Dustin looks up from his laptop and gestures to the other person on the couch, “Hey, Eduardo, this is Mark from my CS class.”
“Oh- hi.”
Mark squints. “Aren’t you that weather guy from the party?”
MARK ZUCKERBERG, 19 YEARS OLD, STATUS: MAN OF EDUARDO’S DREAMS.
Eduardo shakes his head furiously. “Me? No, uh-uh, that was definitely somebody else. Um… want a drink?”
“Sure.”
Eduardo tosses a bottle to Mark, then another to Dustin when he gets the puppy eyes. He grabs a third for himself and heads towards the couch. “So, what are you guys working on?”
Mark looks up with a smirk. “We’re ranking girls. I was just showing Dustin how easy it is to hack into the house facebooks for photos.”
“You mean you’re ranking other students,” Eduardo says cautiously.
“Yes. And Dustin says you econ majors have an algorithm that might work for that.” He looks at Eduardo expectantly.
Eduardo pauses, tries to think about how to keep Mark interested. “Maybe we should hang out some time; I can show you a couple different formulas that might work for what you want. I do know quite a few. In fact, there’s one for ranking chess players that would probably be just perfect.”
Mark takes a swig of his bottle, eyes still on Eduardo, and says, “If I hang out with you, will you give me the damn algorithm?”
Before Dustin can even open his mouth to make a snide comment, Eduardo grabs a notebook from the table and starts writing, explaining the variables as he goes. Mark leans in to ask a quick question, then nods once he’s got it. “Let’s write it.”
Mark codes furiously, and doesn’t seem to be aware of anything else around him, so Eduardo waits patiently for the 20 minutes it takes for him to finish. When he hears a loud, satisfied tap of the return key, he catches Mark’s gaze and smiles. “So, eight o’clock tonight?”
#
“Mark, hey! You came!” Eduardo jogs quickly over to the statue where Mark is standing, palms curling into his jacket pockets to keep warm.
“You said eight, so here I am. Besides, coding went faster than I expected and I set FaceMash live twenty minutes ago,” Mark says. “But I want to check on it in an hour, so whatever you have planned better be fast.”
“I, um, didn’t really have a plan? I thought we could maybe take a walk, then get something to drink.”
“It’s freezing out here. I think we should just buy some beer and go back to my place. I’ll see how the site’s going, and you can tell me more about those algorithms of yours.”
Eduardo can’t tell whether Mark’s plan is a coy invitation or if he means it literally, but he’ll take it either way. “That sounds great!”
#
Fifteen minutes later and they’re in Mark’s room with a case of Beck’s and the glow of the computer screen. As the hit count reaches the thousands, Mark turns to Eduardo with a small but happy smile.
Eduardo leans in, lips meeting Mark’s briefly, hesitantly. Mark grins and pulls him closer. He tugs Eduardo up and over towards the bed, lays him on his side and slots his own arms and legs in between like puzzle pieces.
They kiss fervently until Eduardo can barely remember his own name. Suddenly, Mark stops. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to have sex with you, Eduardo, at least not right now.”
“I- oh. So what do you want to do?”
Mark shrugs. “I can tell you about the next website I’m working on, since your algorithm seemed to work pretty well for FaceMash. We don’t even have to get out of bed.”
“Yeah, that would be nice. As long as we can stay like this.”
Eduardo watches Mark light up with enthusiasm as he describes his new idea, a way to put all the social experiences of college online. He nods interestedly, and then Mark says, “You seem like a pretty savvy guy. Maybe you could be CFO.”
Abso-freaking-lutely, Eduardo replies. Mark gives him that small, pleased smile again, and leans in for another kiss.
Of course this is when Mark’s computer beeps ominously. He immediately goes to check on it, then turns around and smirks triumphantly, “The network’s down.”
“You mean- you don’t think…?” Eduardo is stunned.
“I do.”
“Holy shit.”
Eduardo decides to go home a few minutes later, while the elation is still high. He’s halfway out the door before he remembers to ask Mark for his number. Then it’s a quick walk back to his own dorm, clutching a piece of paper that says:
Mark Zuckerberg
555-786-6005
XXXXX
#
When Eduardo checks his e-mail the next morning, he has two new messages waiting.
The first is from an unknown sender. It reads:
Dear Mr. Saverin,
It has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Cameron Winklevoss, and along with my brother Tyler…
Eduardo rolls his eyes at the pathetic phishing scam attempt and moves his mouse up. “This doesn’t even make sense. Delete!”
The second e-mail is from Christy:
OMG, Eduardo, I know we just had our date a few days ago, but I miss u so much already! UR so charming; I’m in luv! Let’s go out again tomorrow; pick me up after school! xoxoxoxo
“Well, shit,” he says. “I completely forgot about her.”
#
Eduardo has 47 text messages when he gets out of his afternoon class - all from Christy. Where are you? Let’s hang out!
He presses “call” and decides it’s probably time to break up with her, before she gets even more possessive. She picks up on the first ring. “Do you have on… black slacks, and a dark blue button-up? And ridiculously fluffy hair?”
“My hair is not- wait, are you psychic or something?”
Someone calls “Eduardo!” from behind, and then Christy is right there in his face. He lets out a very manly shriek.
“We had a substitute for 6th period, so I just skipped and came to see you! I know it’s only been a few days, but I just missed you so much!”
“Yeah,” Eduardo starts, “about that. I, um, I think that maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
Christy’s smile turns frosty, “What do you mean, ‘we shouldn’t see each other’? Is something wrong?”
“Well, you’re a little obsessive and immature, yes. But what I’m trying to say is, I’m breaking up with you. Um. Have a nice life!” Eduardo runs off, afraid to look back.
#
“So you broke up with your fake high school girlfriend who you went on one date with, and you’re starting a company with your new-new boyfriend. Considering how lackluster your love life has been for the past year, you’re moving pretty fast, friend,” Chris comments as he and Eduardo make their way back from class the next day.
“Mark is different. He’s just so smart and driven, and really interesting. I think I might be in-“
“Eduardo? Are you Eduardo Saverin?” A tall, muscular guy with light brown hair steps in front of him.
“Yes? Can I help you?”
“I’m Cameron Winklevoss.” He grins, all charm and confidence, then gestures to the identical man behind him, “This is my brother Tyler.”
Eduardo extends his hand, but instead gets a swift punch to the face from Tyler.
“Ow! What was that for?” he asks, clutching a hand to his eye.
“I told you we’d be fighting soon,” Cameron says sensibly.
“What do you mean? I’ve never even met you before.”
Chris nods from where he’s moved, a few feet back. “He’s right. I definitely would have remembered if Eduardo met a hot pair of twins.”
Eduardo glares. “Thanks, Chris, that was so helpful. Anyways, what did I even do?”
“Didn’t you get my e-mail? You know, about the league?” asks Cameron.
That actually does sound vaguely familiar, but it’s probably some plot from that movie he and Dustin watched the other day. Eduardo shakes his head.
“The League of Evil Exes? Coming to fight you, thus controlling Mark’s future?” Tyler says, like this is something Eduardo should have learned in grade school.
“Oh, well hey, if you didn’t know, then sorry about that man. We’ll just forget about it.” Cameron smiles again and extends a hand to shake on it.
“Really? That would be great!” The second Eduardo moves to return the gesture, Cameron punches him. “Hah! Got you.”
“Eduardo! Don’t just stand there, buddy - fight!” Chris calls. Tyler and Cameron seem to take this as a signal and both move in to punch Eduardo again.
“Wait!” Eduardo shouts. “This isn’t really fair, two against one. It’s not like we’re even equally matched one-to-one.”
Tyler scoffs, “So? What does that matter?” but Cameron holds out a hand to stop him, gestures for Eduardo to continue.
“I think you two should have a competition first. The one who wins can fight me.”
The twins exchange a brief look, then nod. “Okay, fine. First one to reach the finish in a one-mile race on the river?”
Eduardo wills himself to think faster. He spots Harvard’s president outside the building, nodding as one of his assistants reads from her notepad.
“No! How about the first one to convince President Summers to high-five them right now wins.”
Cameron smirks. “Oh, please. My brother and I, we get 3.9 GPAs for this school. We’ve won trophies for this school. We’ll be rowing in the goddamn Olympics for this school. That is hardly a challenge.”
“So you’re saying you’re too scared to do it.”
“What? No. Of course we’re not scared.”
Eduardo grins. “Fine. So go talk to him then. And if neither of you get a high-five before he leaves, I win this fight.”
#
Chris and Eduardo watch interestedly as Cameron and Tyler introduce themselves to President Summers. After a minute of rapid conversation, they can see Cameron getting increasingly less polite, and Tyler seems about ready to punch the man out. A minute more and it’s just the twins standing on the steps, stunned by the verbal beat-down.
“Yes!” Eduardo grins. Chris claps him on the shoulder and steers him out the door, past the twins.
“Fine, Saverin, you win this round. Don’t expect the others to be such gentlemen, though.” The twins storm off across the quad.
#
Their living room is full of whiteboards with site mockups when Chris and Eduardo finally get back. Mark is sitting on the couch with his laptop and a dry erase marker, tapping the cap thoughtfully against his lower lip.
“Mark. Care to explain why the Winklevoss twins punched me in the face today?” Eduardo asks, plopping down on the couch next to him. Dustin comes by and hands him a pack of frozen peas for his eye.
Mark glances quickly at Eduardo, then looks away. “Uh. You may have to defeat my five evil exes if we’re going to date.”
“Wait. So I have to fight five of your ex-boyfriends to be with you?”
“Exes. And not fight; defeat,” Mark says succinctly.
“You actually went out with those douchebags?” Eduardo whines.
Dustin butts in. “Wait, Mark dated twins!?”
“Hot twins,” Chris amends.
“Whatever,” Eduardo mutters.
Mark pats his hand sympathetically. “I only went out with them because they’re in the Porcellian. I figured that if we were dating, I’d get to go inside and see what it was like. But they only let me see the bike room, so I dumped them.”
That doesn’t really make Eduardo feel any better. Mark squeezes his hand, then gives him a kiss. “I’ve gotta go. Call me tomorrow, Wardo.”
Eduardo smiles reluctantly at the nickname. He kisses Mark goodbye, then sinks further into the couch cushions with the frozen peas against his eye.
#
Mark agrees to meet Eduardo at the coffee shop the next afternoon. Eduardo’s been sitting in his usual chair for over half an hour when Mark finally rushes in, laptop in tow.
“You’re late. We agreed our date was at 3 o’clock,” Eduardo says, a little upset.
Mark’s face lights up. “I know, but I was up late coding last night and I got here as soon as I woke up. There was something I had to add to the profile pages. Wardo, I realized it when I was walking back from your place and thinking about you-” He sits down and opens his laptop, typing in a few commands. Eduardo peers interestedly over Mark’s shoulder.
“Wow, is that TheFacebook? It looks really good.”
“Watch this,” Mark says as he taps the Enter key. A new text field appears on the empty blue and white profile page.
“Relationship status,” Eduardo reads. Mark taps a few more keys, and suddenly the page is filled with Mark’s own information. There’s his name, age, hometown - and right there next to it - “In a relationship with Eduardo Saverin.”
In a relationship! Eduardo is officially in a relationship with the man of his dreams! He grins like a fool at Mark, who returns it with his small, private smile. “And that was it. We’re ready to go live.”
Eduardo pulls Mark in for a celebratory kiss. Mark focuses his attention back on his laptop as soon as Eduardo pulls away. He looks about ready to pass out.
“I’m going to get us drinks! Large coffee ok for you?” Eduardo asks. Mark nods drowsily.
#
Outside on the street, right against the coffee shop window, Christy watches as Eduardo kisses Mark and goes to order their drinks. She gasps, outraged, then storms off towards the drugstore around the corner, texting her best friend as she goes. OMG Alice, I just saw Eduardo with someone else!! >:( I need moral support or whatever. My place in 20!!!!
#
“He’s dating a scrawny-ass computer nerd!“ Christy wails at her mirror. Alice nods sympathetically from the bed.
“Yeah, I dated a guy like that before. Trust me, you’re way hotter.”
“I am totally hotter! I have curves and everything! This guy was wearing a freaking baggy hoodie and flip flops! Alice, help me with this!” Christy storms into the bathroom with a home perm box in her hand and continues her rant.
“He probably only likes him ‘cause he’s older. It’s not my fault I don’t like coffee yet! I didn’t even know they had so many different kinds of coffee until like three months ago! Hey, this kind of burns…”
Alice takes another look at the instructions on the box. “I think you’re supposed to rinse.”
“I mean, so what if I’m not that good with computers! Just because I don’t know how to write code doesn’t mean I’m less cool than he is, right?!”
“Ok, I can’t hear anything you’re saying,” Alice mutters over Christy’s shrieks and the whoosh of the bathtub faucet. She looks up when it suddenly goes quiet. Christy is staring at herself in the mirror, eyes wide with admiration.
“Oh my god. I look… I look good,” she whispers, fingering her newly curled hair. She looks determinedly at Alice. “Mark Zuckerberg stole my Eduardo, but I’m going to get him back.”
#
For the past six months, Chris has been dragging Dustin and Eduardo to each and every performance of the campus acappella group in hopes of catching the attention of his crush, a senior tenor.
“If you want his attention so much, why do you drag us to suffer through it with you?” Eduardo whines over lunch that Saturday when Chris announces the plan for the night.
“I’m not going to go by myself. I want him to think I’m dedicated and supportive, not an obsessive loner!” Chris says.
Eduardo manages to convince Mark to take a break from coding and come with them. “It’ll be embarrassingly awful; you have to come!” he pleads. Mark shrugs, but doesn’t protest when Eduardo drags him out the door.
#
They find Chris sitting at a table near the back of the room, chatting with Dustin and Erica. When they get closer, Erica turns to glare at them. “Saverin. I see you’ve moved on from the sandbox. Where’d you get this one from, Best Buy?”
Mark retorts, “Please, as if they’d have anything as advanced as me. Maybe you’ve heard about this cool new project of mine, TheFacebook?”
“No,” Erica says disinterestedly, turning back to Dustin. “Like I care what you jerky jerk Harvard boys get up to.”
“Hey!” Dustin protests.
Mark rolls his eyes. “Oh please, you go to B.U.”
Chris just shushes them and turns to watch the stage as the lights dim.
#
A minute into the second song, the door slams open. The group onstage stops mid-song as two girls storm in.
“Eduardo Saverin, prepare to die!” Alice screams as she strides towards their table.
“Oh thank god, I thought they’d never stop singing,” Eduardo mutters to Mark. “Wait. What?”
She pulls a fencing foil out from her backpack. “You heard me. You think you’re so sharp, but you’re no match for my blade.”
“That’s clever, where’s that from?”
“My brain!” Alice snarls. “Stop stalling and fight me already!”
“What did I even do?” Eduardo looks to his friends, wondering if there was some drunken hookup he maybe forgot.
Chris and Dustin shrug back, just as clueless, but Mark moves in closer and says, “That’s Alice. I sort of… well, for a little while I went through a heterosexal experimenting phase.”
“And you chose a bloodthirsty girl like her to experiment with?”
“We met at a fencing competition; we both won our divisions. After the awards ceremony, she pulled me into the bathroom and we made out. The next week, when I was sure I was 100% gay, I broke up with her.”
Alice brandishes the foil in Eduardo’s face. “If I can’t have him, no one can. Especially not the asshole who broke my best friend’s heart, obviously!”
Christy appears at her side with a flaming baton. Her now curly hair is frizzed out behind her, making her look about five inches taller and ten times scarier than usual. “Mark Zuckerberg! You stole Eduardo from me, you shall pay!”
“No I didn’t! I didn’t steal anything!” Mark exclaims.
Eduardo ducks his head and mutters, “Uh, actually, I may have made out with you before I officially broke up with Christy. Sorry. I just kind of forgot about her when I met you.”
Mark just rolls his eyes. “Whatever. I’m obviously better, it’s hardly a competition.”
Dustin hisses at them, “Guys, fight now, talk later!”
Chris chimes in. “Yeah, girls hate it when you make them wait. Even I know that.”
“Right!” Eduardo ducks as Alice swings her blade towards his head, arms flailing out in loose fists. Miraculously, he manages to connect.
“Ow! You punched me in the boob!” Alice pulls back, free hand cradling her chest. “That hurt, you ass!”
Meanwhile, Mark has managed to wrestle Christy’s baton from her and is dousing the flames in somebody’s glass of water.
“Eduardo?”
Eduardo spins around, and there’s Christy right in his face again, eyes big and teary. “You cheated on me?”
“Look, ah, I didn’t mean to! I mean, I’m sorry. You’re a great girl an all, you’re just a little scary. Also, I felt kind of bad dating someone so young,” he says shakily.
Alice tugs on Christy’s arm. “Whatever, we’re too good for you boys anyway. Come on Christy, we’ve got to get home before curfew.”
Eduardo sighs in relief and turns to Mark. His boyfriend just smirks at him. “I can’t believe you thought my ex was the psycho one - yours just tried to set me on fire!”
“Yeah, what a night. At least the show is over.” Eduardo turns to say goodbye to his roommates, only to find Chris making out with his crush heatedly. Dustin and Erica are across the room, play-sword fighting with brooms they found.
Mark reaches up to cup Eduardo’s face and give him a kiss. “Come on. When we get home I want to talk about expanding TheFacebook. And maybe make out a little more, too.”
They leave hand in hand.
#
Mark recruits Chris and Dustin to help with publicity and coding for TheFacebook’s expansion to Yale, Columbia, and (at Eduardo’s suggestion) Stanford. The four of them spend almost all their free time over the next few weeks in Eduardo’s common room, whiteboards and laptops perched between cans of Red Bull and the occasional textbook.
Chris has set up an interview with the Crimson to get the word out about the expansion. He drags Dustin away from his laptop and winks at Eduardo as he grabs their coats. “You boys have fun now. We’ll be out for at least a few hours.”
Mark just nods absently before returning to his computer, but Eduardo jumps up to block them at the door. He hisses, “You can’t leave me alone yet! He’s wired in; Mark never lets us get past third base unless he’s done coding. I haven’t come up with something distracting enough yet!”
Chris just pats his head. “If you strike out-”
“If?!”
“Fine, when you strike out, come find us in the library. I’ll be talking to that hotass Crimson editor, Divya Narendra.”
“I thought you were dating that singer dude. You guys looked pretty cozy at that performance last month.”
“Oh, he was actually really boring. Besides, this one’s got a girlfriend. I so enjoy tempting them over to the other side. See you in a few!”
Chris slams the door shut, leaving Eduardo to pout behind them. He sighs and turns back towards the living room. “Mark, do you want dinner? I’ll make us some garlic bread.”
“Sure, Wardo, whatever you want,” Mark mumbles distractedly. He glances up as Eduardo makes his way into the kitchen, though, and smiles thankfully.
#
“Here we go. Dig in!” Eduardo sets the plate of hot garlic bread down on the coffee table. Mark sets his laptop aside and they each grab a piece.
“Hey, this is actually really good,” Mark comments after his first bite.
“Thank you,” Eduardo grins. “I love garlic bread. I’d eat it for every meal if I could.”
“You’d have a permanent case of garlic breath. I guess it’s a good thing I like garlic.” Mark leans in to prove his point to Eduardo. He brings a hand up to the back of Eduardo’s head to urge his lips closer.
Just as Eduardo’s about to suggest they forgo dinner and move to his bed, Mark murmurs, “Your hair is ridiculously fluffy.”
Eduardo jerks back and runs his hands self-consciously over said hair. Why didn’t he remember to use pomade today?
Mark tries awkwardly to reassure him. “Hey, I just meant it’s kind of like petting a cat or something. A really, really fluffy cat that’s just been washed and dried. Or electrocuted. I mean- I didn’t mean to insult your hair.”
“But you’d like it better if I had hair like the Winklevosses, is that it?” Eduardo huffs and grabs a wool hat from his room. “Come on, let’s go see how Chris and Dustin’s interview is going.”
“Are we just doing this so you have an excuse to wear a hat?” Mark asks skeptically.
“What? No! I just thought we’d see how things are going, you know, since the story’s going to print tomorrow.” Eduardo urges Mark into a jacket and out the door, tugging his hat down further.
#
They find his roommates sitting at a table in the corner of the library, talking enthusiastically to a handsome man with a tape recorder and notebook.
As they approach, Divya looks up and asks, “And are you ready to face the dire consequences of this new enterprise and it’s rapid development?”
Chris and Dustin look to one another blankly, trying to come up with a diplomatic and optimistic answer. Divya looks past them and stares straight at Eduardo. “Hey, I’m talking to you!”
“Me?” Eduardo squeaks out.
“Yes, you. Are you prepared to face my wrath?”
“What did I even do?!”
Mark shuffles closer and pitches his voice library-quiet in Eduardo’s ear. “Divya and I dated for a little while last semester. He was kind of obsessive, always calling and e-mailing. He even left a dozen messages with my RA when I didn’t respond. So I broke up with him.”
“That was a big mistake, Zuckerberg. And now this little snot is going to pay!” Divya spews. “I hear you like math, Saverin. Take a seat; we’re going to have a little competition.”
Eduardo sits cautiously in the seat next to Chris. Mark takes the other empty chair next to Dustin.
“Sorry, buddy,” Chris whispers, “I didn’t realize he was an evil ex. Do you think Mark would mind if I bought him a drink, though?”
“Silence!” Divya commands. He pushes a sheet of paper towards Eduardo. There’s an equation written out on the top. “Now, your friends have been so kind as to provide these numbers for us. Assume that TheFacebook is growing at an exponential rate on the Harvard campus. Once the site spreads to three additional campuses, word of mouth means the growth rate is even faster. After exactly one week at the other schools, how many total users will TheFacebook have? First one to calculate the correct answer wins dating rights to Mark.”
“But I’m already dating Mark,” Eduardo protests.
Mark chimes in, “And I would never date you again.”
Divya huffs. “I meant that if I win, you stop dating Mark. Forever. Stop stalling and let’s do this!”
Dustin looks at his watch and raises his arm up like a flag. “Aaaaaand… Go!”
The table is silent save for the rapid scratches of pencil. Eduardo really wishes Mark’s exes could be a little more polite and take the time to properly introduce themselves before challenging him.
“Three-thousand eight-hundred and twenty-two!” Eduardo shouts as he throws his pencil down. Divya freezes, then motions to Chris.
Chris takes Eduardo’s sheet and punches the numbers into his TI-89. He nods proudly. “Congratulations, Wardo! You just kicked his ass.”
Eduardo high-fives Dustin as Divya grumbles and gathers his belongings. Mark and Eduardo are too busy trading kisses and grinning victoriously to hear Divya’s parting words.
“Fine, Saverin, fine. Don’t expect Mark’s big ex to be so easy on you, though - he’s much more cunning than you.” He stomps out, ignoring the librarian’s glare as he passes the front desk.
#
The four of them go out to dinner to celebrate both TheFacebook’s successful expansion and Mark and Eduardo’s four month anniversary. Eduardo’s getting drinks at the bar when he notices a blond guy in an expensive blazer talking to Mark at their table. Oddly enough, Mark is nodding along enthusiastically instead of giving the guy his usual blank stare. Eduardo taps his fingers impatiently on the countertop, anxious to go see what has his boyfriend so excited.
“Here’s your f***ing beer, Saverin.” Erica slams four bottles of Beck’s down right next to his fingers.
“Erica! What the hell are you doing here? And what’s with the censoring?”
“It’s called having a f***ing job, something a spoiled Harvard boy like you would know f***all about. And I’m not allowed to swear at customers. That’s forty bucks.”
“Forty!? Are you sure?” Eduardo asks, startled.
“Did I f***ing stutter?” Erica snatches the cash from Eduardo’s hand and stalks off towards the kitchen.
Eduardo pockets his wallet and winds his way back to the table. The stranger smirks from where he’s sitting in Eduardo’s chair. “I’ve already got a round,” he says, waving a hand casually over the full pints sitting on the table.
“And who are you?” Eduardo asks. His mother would smack him if she knew how rude he was being right now, but this intruder makes his blood boil.
Dustin looks at Eduardo is disbelief. “Dude, you don’t know? This is Sean Parker - he invented Napster. He’s like, king of the internet. And he apparently used to date Mark in high school. How cool is that?”
“Well, Napster was pretty revolutionary for its time,” Sean says, “but it looks like TheFacebook is going to be the next ‘it’ site. I always knew my little Marky was multi-talented.” He leers across the table.
“Yes, we all appreciate Mark’s brilliance,” Eduardo says, laying his hand over Mark’s.
“So- it’s Eduardo, right?” Sean pauses. “What do you do?”
“I’m CFO,” Eduardo bites out.
Sean nods dismissively, and turns back to Mark. “Mmhmm. Mark, I know some great VCs in Palo Alto who would just love to get in on TheFacebook. I can set up some meetings if you’d like.”
Mark nods blankly, carefully not looking at Eduardo.
“Mark? Can I talk to you alone for a second?” Eduardo hisses. He tilts his head towards the alcove by the restrooms. They get up from the table, leaving Chris to suffer alone through Dustin’s fanboying at Sean.
#
“Is there something you want to tell me?” Eduardo whispers angrily.
“We have to break up,” Mark says. He sounds rather resigned. “It’s Sean. I just- I can’t help myself around him.”
“That’s the bad news,” comes Sean’s smug voice from behind. He ropes an arm snugly around Mark’s waist. “The good news is, you’ll still be CFO of Facebook. And with me as president, the company is going to be worth a billion dollars by the end of summer. By the way, babe, you should really drop the ‘the’ - just ‘Facebook.’ It’s much cleaner.”
“You really think we’ll let you just come in and take charge of the company?” Eduardo cannot believe this is happening. Why isn’t Mark saying anything?
“Oh, I don’t need your permission. Mark’s already agreed, and Dusty-“
“Dustin.”
“He’s all for it; thinks I’m an absolute genius. So I guess you and your friend Chris will just have to live with that.” Sean smiles smugly at Eduardo.
“No, no, I’m not going to be a part of a company with a douchebag like you in charge!” Eduardo declares.
“Ouch, Wardo. That was not polite at all. And here I thought you were a gentleman,” Sean tuts mockingly. “C’mon Mark, let’s blow this joint.”
Eduardo trails them back to the table, where Sean is signing the check. Dustin looks torn, unsure why Mark is letting Sean be so handsy and Eduardo isn’t stepping in. Chris just looks murderous. Eduardo can sympathize with both of them.
“Oh! Eduardo, I really am sorry about the whole League of Evil Exes thing. I was kind of in a slump when I put that thing together. I mean, really, you’re kind of the one who brought Mark back to me, so… forgiven?”
There are no words Eduardo can possibly use to express how much he hates Sean Parker right now. How could Mark leave him for such an utter asshole?
“Oh, and buddy, by the way - we’re heading out to a party at Kappa Eta Theta. It’ll be a little celebration of Facebook and its visionary new president, by which I mean me. You should stop by. We’d all feel a little weird if you weren’t there. No hard feelings, right? Okay, laterz!” Sean strolls out with Mark and Dustin in tow.
“What a perfect asshole,” Chris spits out. “You should kick his ass.”
Eduardo nods determinedly, grateful to have Chris’ support. They make their way quickly towards the party.
#
The party is full swing, if the hordes of drunken students dancing on the front porch are anything to go by. Chris and Eduardo make their way through the living room, past the jocks shotgunning Budweiser and the sorority sisters giggling tipsily over their red cups.
Sean’s voice is drifting down from somewhere on the second floor, his obnoxious tone audible even above the thumping bass of the music. “… and now, we’re going to live on the internet!”
Eduardo squeezes past kids on the staircase, who are too busy sneering at the people below to pay him any attention. The landing faces a lounge of some sort, coffee tables and sofas littered with drinks and other substances. And there’s Sean, in the middle of it all, sprawled out comfortably in a loveseat, and Mark perched uncomfortably against the arm.
“Eduardo! Hey, bud, you made it! Someone get this guy a beer.” Sean beckons him closer.
“I’m not here to drink,” Eduardo interrupts, “I’m here to fight.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s no need for that. I have no problem with you. And I even apologized about the thing with the League. It’s over, Eduardo. Time to move on.”
“It is not over. You’re a dick, and you don’t deserve Facebook, and you definitely do not deserve Mark,” Eduardo spits out. He hands his blazer off to Chris and carefully unbuttons his shirtsleeves to roll them up.
“Oh, please. Like you’re a better choice for either one?” Sean snorts disbelievingly.
“I may not be the best choice for Facebook, but I love Mark for who he is, not the fame and fortune he can bring. Can you say the same?”
Mark looks up and meets Eduardo’s gaze, surprised. Sean interrupts with a loud snort, “Does it matter? Mark has idolized me for years; I doubt that’s going to change. And why should it? I can code better and charm faster than you, so if it’s a challenge you want, then bring it, baby.”
Eduardo lunges towards Sean, fists clenched and ready to make impact. He stops short as Sean flinches away.
“What are you doing?! I thought we were going to have a battle of wits! That’s how it went down with the rest of the League; it isn’t fair to change the rules now! And I have asthma, I can’t brawl!” Sean’s voice is high and panicky now, all of his previous bravado gone. He’s crawled up the loveseat to sit on the backing, feet on the cushions and his hands squeezing Mark’s shoulders, looking for protection.
Mark shoves him off and gets to his feet. He stands up with his full height, shoulders straight, eyes steely and cold. “Sean, go home. There’s nothing you have to offer to me or to Facebook anymore. You’re nothing but a has-been, and I don’t need you.”
Sean’s jaw drops and he sputters, “You can’t do that! I know everyone in Silicon Valley! You’ll never get anywhere without my connections! I’m the big player; I’m the center of the party!”
Behind them, a cop clears his throat. “That’s what I’ve been told, too. Sean Parker, you’re the one who provided the alcohol and cocaine for all these underage kids, is that right? I think you’d better come down to the station for a little chat.”
Sean is dragged bodily down the stairs and out the door by the burly policemen, kicking and screaming the whole way about conspiracies against him and the connections he has that will make them all regret this, he promises.
Dustin wanders in just as Sean’s being put in car. “What happened? Is the party over already?”
Chris fills him in, and he turns to Mark aghast. “You told that dick off and I missed it?! Dammit! I’m never going pee at a party again!”
“So,” Eduardo draws out, looking hopefully at Mark, “what next?”
Mark sighs. “California, I think. Sean was right about that part, at least; I really need to be out there for the summer with Facebook taking off. Who knows, maybe I’ll stay there. There are too many people out here who’ve been hurt because of me.”
Eduardo’s heart stops for a second. After all they’ve gone through, Mark’s just going to leave him behind like that? “You’re just going to leave me, leave us - like that? No way, Mark. I love you. I want to come with you.”
“Hey!” Dustin chimes in. “Me too!”
Chris slings an arm over Dustin’s shoulder. “Me three!”
Eduardo grins. “See? You’re never getting rid of us.”
Mark looks overwhelmed by their enthusiasm for a second, but then he smiles - a real, full smile. “Of course you guys can come. Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Game Over
Summary: A Social Network/Scott Pilgrim fusion. Title from the Pixies’ “Hey”.
“Mark. Care to explain why the Winklevoss twins punched me in the face today?” Eduardo asks.
Mark glances quickly at Eduardo, then looks away. “Uh. You may have to defeat my five evil exes if we’re going to date.”
“Wait. So I have to fight five of your ex-boyfriends to be with you?”
ETA: This story has been translated into Chinese by the lovely cipher0099! You can find it here.
Begin
#
As soon as Eduardo gets home from class, Chris pops out of the kitchen and smirks. “So Eduardo, how was your day?”
“Before you hear some dirty lies from someone else, yes, I’m dating a 17 year old,” Eduardo says quickly.
EDUARDO SAVERIN, 21 YEARS OLD, RATING: AWESOME.
“Aw, does this mean you’re not going to buy me drinks anymore?” Chris asks.
CHRIS HUGHES, ROOMMATE, 19 YEARS OLD, RATING: SYMPATHETIC (usually).
“Do you see anyone else with a legal ID?”
“Guess not. So how’d you meet her?”
“Remember that Bill Gates talk I went to for extra credit? Christy was sitting in the row behind me. After the talk, she introduced herself and said we should hang out some time, maybe get some coffee.”
“How cute. Young, illegal love at first sight,” Chris coos.
Dustin chooses this moment to walk in, because no news about Eduardo’s love life is sacred. “Underage girlfriend? Scandalous!” he cries mockingly.
DUSTIN MOSKOVITZ, OTHER ROOMMATE, 19 YEARS OLD, RATING: RIDICULOUS.
“It’s a Catholic school, too. With a uniform and everything,” Eduardo replies sheepishly.
Chris just shakes his head. “That is so wrong. It’s almost like babysitting or something.”
“Shit, I’m late for our coffee date. Gotta go, see you later!” Eduardo runs out the door, jamming his jacket on as he runs down the stairs.
#
“Did you know that you can use weather patterns to predict the price of oil?” Eduardo confides to Christy as he sets their mugs down on the table.
“Wow, really? That is like, so cool!”
Eduardo takes a moment to sip at his coffee in a worldly manner and says, “Yeah, this past summer I made a nice bit of change just from sitting at home watching the weather channel.”
“That’s amazing. You’re like, the smartest guy I’ve ever dated,” Christy breathes out.
CHRISTY LEE, 17 YEARS OLD, STATUS: (BOY) CRAZY.
Of course this is when Erica, who is passing by their table, decides to butt in. “You must have been dating first graders if you think Eduardo is even remotely intelligent.”
ERICA ALBRIGHT, 19 YEARS OLD, STATUS: GOES TO B.U.
Eduardo shuts his eyes and curses Dustin’s on-and-off girlfriend for her bat ears that overheard his conversation about final party clubs and the (hotter-than-her) girls they had. “Thank you, Erica,” he grumbles.
“I’m just letting her know what she’s in for. I guess I’ll see you at the AEPi party tonight; try not to pick up any more middle schoolers on your way there,” Erica shoots as she walks away.
Christy turns awkwardly back to Eduardo. “Anyways… Alice and I are totally going to that acappella concert next weekend, my mom already said it was OK since it’s educational. You should totally come too, it’ll be like a secret date!”
Eduardo nods. “Yeah, sure, I’ll see if maybe my roommates want to come.”
#
Chris, Dustin, and Eduardo walk into the gym, shivering from the October cold in their cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirts. Dustin takes off towards Erica, who sends him off again to get drinks. Chris spots a cute guy from his English class and goes over to flirt, leaving Eduardo alone by the coat check-in.
He spots Billy standing by the keg, then lets his gaze wander over the rest of the gym. There’s a small group drunk girls and guys flailing along to the cheesy Caribbean music, a group of AEPi guys taking shots, and - one guy standing upright against the wall, looking completely disinterested. He’s wearing shorts and sandals like the rest of them, but has a hand curled up in his hoodie pocket and a t-shirt beneath that. Eduardo is intrigued; who is this guy?
#
“Billy!”
Billy finishes his beer and lets out a belch. “Eduardo, hey, how’s it goin’!”
BILLY OLSEN, 20 YEARS OLD, STATUS: PARTY ANIMAL.
“You know everyone who comes to these parties, right? What can you tell me about that guy over there?” Eduardo tips his head discreetly towards the mysterious guy, who still looks bored.
“Oh, him? That’s Mark Zuckerberg. Guy’s a coding whiz; I heard he built a program that recommended new music based on your current playlist when he was still in high school. Supposedly, Microsoft tried to buy it, and it even got the attention of that Napster guy, Sean Parker.”
“Ok, thanks, bye!” Eduardo heads over to Mark.
#
“So hey, did you know that you can use weather patterns to predict the price of oil?” Eduardo says as he sidles up to the curly-haired boy.
Mark turns to look at Eduardo, giving him a sharply unimpressed look. “Yeah, great.” He turns away to contemplate the projection screen on the other wall, playing a loop of a waterfall.
Eduardo deflates. “I… guess I’ll just leave you alone now.”
“Thanks.”
#
Eduardo slams the door shut and lets his bag drop to the ground. “Professor Graves is such an asshole! I need a beer.”
Dustin looks up from his laptop and gestures to the other person on the couch, “Hey, Eduardo, this is Mark from my CS class.”
“Oh- hi.”
Mark squints. “Aren’t you that weather guy from the party?”
MARK ZUCKERBERG, 19 YEARS OLD, STATUS: MAN OF EDUARDO’S DREAMS.
Eduardo shakes his head furiously. “Me? No, uh-uh, that was definitely somebody else. Um… want a drink?”
“Sure.”
Eduardo tosses a bottle to Mark, then another to Dustin when he gets the puppy eyes. He grabs a third for himself and heads towards the couch. “So, what are you guys working on?”
Mark looks up with a smirk. “We’re ranking girls. I was just showing Dustin how easy it is to hack into the house facebooks for photos.”
“You mean you’re ranking other students,” Eduardo says cautiously.
“Yes. And Dustin says you econ majors have an algorithm that might work for that.” He looks at Eduardo expectantly.
Eduardo pauses, tries to think about how to keep Mark interested. “Maybe we should hang out some time; I can show you a couple different formulas that might work for what you want. I do know quite a few. In fact, there’s one for ranking chess players that would probably be just perfect.”
Mark takes a swig of his bottle, eyes still on Eduardo, and says, “If I hang out with you, will you give me the damn algorithm?”
Before Dustin can even open his mouth to make a snide comment, Eduardo grabs a notebook from the table and starts writing, explaining the variables as he goes. Mark leans in to ask a quick question, then nods once he’s got it. “Let’s write it.”
Mark codes furiously, and doesn’t seem to be aware of anything else around him, so Eduardo waits patiently for the 20 minutes it takes for him to finish. When he hears a loud, satisfied tap of the return key, he catches Mark’s gaze and smiles. “So, eight o’clock tonight?”
#
“Mark, hey! You came!” Eduardo jogs quickly over to the statue where Mark is standing, palms curling into his jacket pockets to keep warm.
“You said eight, so here I am. Besides, coding went faster than I expected and I set FaceMash live twenty minutes ago,” Mark says. “But I want to check on it in an hour, so whatever you have planned better be fast.”
“I, um, didn’t really have a plan? I thought we could maybe take a walk, then get something to drink.”
“It’s freezing out here. I think we should just buy some beer and go back to my place. I’ll see how the site’s going, and you can tell me more about those algorithms of yours.”
Eduardo can’t tell whether Mark’s plan is a coy invitation or if he means it literally, but he’ll take it either way. “That sounds great!”
#
Fifteen minutes later and they’re in Mark’s room with a case of Beck’s and the glow of the computer screen. As the hit count reaches the thousands, Mark turns to Eduardo with a small but happy smile.
Eduardo leans in, lips meeting Mark’s briefly, hesitantly. Mark grins and pulls him closer. He tugs Eduardo up and over towards the bed, lays him on his side and slots his own arms and legs in between like puzzle pieces.
They kiss fervently until Eduardo can barely remember his own name. Suddenly, Mark stops. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to have sex with you, Eduardo, at least not right now.”
“I- oh. So what do you want to do?”
Mark shrugs. “I can tell you about the next website I’m working on, since your algorithm seemed to work pretty well for FaceMash. We don’t even have to get out of bed.”
“Yeah, that would be nice. As long as we can stay like this.”
Eduardo watches Mark light up with enthusiasm as he describes his new idea, a way to put all the social experiences of college online. He nods interestedly, and then Mark says, “You seem like a pretty savvy guy. Maybe you could be CFO.”
Abso-freaking-lutely, Eduardo replies. Mark gives him that small, pleased smile again, and leans in for another kiss.
Of course this is when Mark’s computer beeps ominously. He immediately goes to check on it, then turns around and smirks triumphantly, “The network’s down.”
“You mean- you don’t think…?” Eduardo is stunned.
“I do.”
“Holy shit.”
Eduardo decides to go home a few minutes later, while the elation is still high. He’s halfway out the door before he remembers to ask Mark for his number. Then it’s a quick walk back to his own dorm, clutching a piece of paper that says:
Mark Zuckerberg
555-786-6005
XXXXX
#
When Eduardo checks his e-mail the next morning, he has two new messages waiting.
The first is from an unknown sender. It reads:
Dear Mr. Saverin,
It has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Cameron Winklevoss, and along with my brother Tyler…
Eduardo rolls his eyes at the pathetic phishing scam attempt and moves his mouse up. “This doesn’t even make sense. Delete!”
The second e-mail is from Christy:
OMG, Eduardo, I know we just had our date a few days ago, but I miss u so much already! UR so charming; I’m in luv! Let’s go out again tomorrow; pick me up after school! xoxoxoxo
“Well, shit,” he says. “I completely forgot about her.”
#
Eduardo has 47 text messages when he gets out of his afternoon class - all from Christy. Where are you? Let’s hang out!
He presses “call” and decides it’s probably time to break up with her, before she gets even more possessive. She picks up on the first ring. “Do you have on… black slacks, and a dark blue button-up? And ridiculously fluffy hair?”
“My hair is not- wait, are you psychic or something?”
Someone calls “Eduardo!” from behind, and then Christy is right there in his face. He lets out a very manly shriek.
“We had a substitute for 6th period, so I just skipped and came to see you! I know it’s only been a few days, but I just missed you so much!”
“Yeah,” Eduardo starts, “about that. I, um, I think that maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
Christy’s smile turns frosty, “What do you mean, ‘we shouldn’t see each other’? Is something wrong?”
“Well, you’re a little obsessive and immature, yes. But what I’m trying to say is, I’m breaking up with you. Um. Have a nice life!” Eduardo runs off, afraid to look back.
#
“So you broke up with your fake high school girlfriend who you went on one date with, and you’re starting a company with your new-new boyfriend. Considering how lackluster your love life has been for the past year, you’re moving pretty fast, friend,” Chris comments as he and Eduardo make their way back from class the next day.
“Mark is different. He’s just so smart and driven, and really interesting. I think I might be in-“
“Eduardo? Are you Eduardo Saverin?” A tall, muscular guy with light brown hair steps in front of him.
“Yes? Can I help you?”
“I’m Cameron Winklevoss.” He grins, all charm and confidence, then gestures to the identical man behind him, “This is my brother Tyler.”
Eduardo extends his hand, but instead gets a swift punch to the face from Tyler.
“Ow! What was that for?” he asks, clutching a hand to his eye.
“I told you we’d be fighting soon,” Cameron says sensibly.
“What do you mean? I’ve never even met you before.”
Chris nods from where he’s moved, a few feet back. “He’s right. I definitely would have remembered if Eduardo met a hot pair of twins.”
Eduardo glares. “Thanks, Chris, that was so helpful. Anyways, what did I even do?”
“Didn’t you get my e-mail? You know, about the league?” asks Cameron.
That actually does sound vaguely familiar, but it’s probably some plot from that movie he and Dustin watched the other day. Eduardo shakes his head.
“The League of Evil Exes? Coming to fight you, thus controlling Mark’s future?” Tyler says, like this is something Eduardo should have learned in grade school.
“Oh, well hey, if you didn’t know, then sorry about that man. We’ll just forget about it.” Cameron smiles again and extends a hand to shake on it.
“Really? That would be great!” The second Eduardo moves to return the gesture, Cameron punches him. “Hah! Got you.”
“Eduardo! Don’t just stand there, buddy - fight!” Chris calls. Tyler and Cameron seem to take this as a signal and both move in to punch Eduardo again.
“Wait!” Eduardo shouts. “This isn’t really fair, two against one. It’s not like we’re even equally matched one-to-one.”
Tyler scoffs, “So? What does that matter?” but Cameron holds out a hand to stop him, gestures for Eduardo to continue.
“I think you two should have a competition first. The one who wins can fight me.”
The twins exchange a brief look, then nod. “Okay, fine. First one to reach the finish in a one-mile race on the river?”
Eduardo wills himself to think faster. He spots Harvard’s president outside the building, nodding as one of his assistants reads from her notepad.
“No! How about the first one to convince President Summers to high-five them right now wins.”
Cameron smirks. “Oh, please. My brother and I, we get 3.9 GPAs for this school. We’ve won trophies for this school. We’ll be rowing in the goddamn Olympics for this school. That is hardly a challenge.”
“So you’re saying you’re too scared to do it.”
“What? No. Of course we’re not scared.”
Eduardo grins. “Fine. So go talk to him then. And if neither of you get a high-five before he leaves, I win this fight.”
#
Chris and Eduardo watch interestedly as Cameron and Tyler introduce themselves to President Summers. After a minute of rapid conversation, they can see Cameron getting increasingly less polite, and Tyler seems about ready to punch the man out. A minute more and it’s just the twins standing on the steps, stunned by the verbal beat-down.
“Yes!” Eduardo grins. Chris claps him on the shoulder and steers him out the door, past the twins.
“Fine, Saverin, you win this round. Don’t expect the others to be such gentlemen, though.” The twins storm off across the quad.
#
Their living room is full of whiteboards with site mockups when Chris and Eduardo finally get back. Mark is sitting on the couch with his laptop and a dry erase marker, tapping the cap thoughtfully against his lower lip.
“Mark. Care to explain why the Winklevoss twins punched me in the face today?” Eduardo asks, plopping down on the couch next to him. Dustin comes by and hands him a pack of frozen peas for his eye.
Mark glances quickly at Eduardo, then looks away. “Uh. You may have to defeat my five evil exes if we’re going to date.”
“Wait. So I have to fight five of your ex-boyfriends to be with you?”
“Exes. And not fight; defeat,” Mark says succinctly.
“You actually went out with those douchebags?” Eduardo whines.
Dustin butts in. “Wait, Mark dated twins!?”
“Hot twins,” Chris amends.
“Whatever,” Eduardo mutters.
Mark pats his hand sympathetically. “I only went out with them because they’re in the Porcellian. I figured that if we were dating, I’d get to go inside and see what it was like. But they only let me see the bike room, so I dumped them.”
That doesn’t really make Eduardo feel any better. Mark squeezes his hand, then gives him a kiss. “I’ve gotta go. Call me tomorrow, Wardo.”
Eduardo smiles reluctantly at the nickname. He kisses Mark goodbye, then sinks further into the couch cushions with the frozen peas against his eye.
#
Mark agrees to meet Eduardo at the coffee shop the next afternoon. Eduardo’s been sitting in his usual chair for over half an hour when Mark finally rushes in, laptop in tow.
“You’re late. We agreed our date was at 3 o’clock,” Eduardo says, a little upset.
Mark’s face lights up. “I know, but I was up late coding last night and I got here as soon as I woke up. There was something I had to add to the profile pages. Wardo, I realized it when I was walking back from your place and thinking about you-” He sits down and opens his laptop, typing in a few commands. Eduardo peers interestedly over Mark’s shoulder.
“Wow, is that TheFacebook? It looks really good.”
“Watch this,” Mark says as he taps the Enter key. A new text field appears on the empty blue and white profile page.
“Relationship status,” Eduardo reads. Mark taps a few more keys, and suddenly the page is filled with Mark’s own information. There’s his name, age, hometown - and right there next to it - “In a relationship with Eduardo Saverin.”
In a relationship! Eduardo is officially in a relationship with the man of his dreams! He grins like a fool at Mark, who returns it with his small, private smile. “And that was it. We’re ready to go live.”
Eduardo pulls Mark in for a celebratory kiss. Mark focuses his attention back on his laptop as soon as Eduardo pulls away. He looks about ready to pass out.
“I’m going to get us drinks! Large coffee ok for you?” Eduardo asks. Mark nods drowsily.
#
Outside on the street, right against the coffee shop window, Christy watches as Eduardo kisses Mark and goes to order their drinks. She gasps, outraged, then storms off towards the drugstore around the corner, texting her best friend as she goes. OMG Alice, I just saw Eduardo with someone else!! >:( I need moral support or whatever. My place in 20!!!!
#
“He’s dating a scrawny-ass computer nerd!“ Christy wails at her mirror. Alice nods sympathetically from the bed.
“Yeah, I dated a guy like that before. Trust me, you’re way hotter.”
“I am totally hotter! I have curves and everything! This guy was wearing a freaking baggy hoodie and flip flops! Alice, help me with this!” Christy storms into the bathroom with a home perm box in her hand and continues her rant.
“He probably only likes him ‘cause he’s older. It’s not my fault I don’t like coffee yet! I didn’t even know they had so many different kinds of coffee until like three months ago! Hey, this kind of burns…”
Alice takes another look at the instructions on the box. “I think you’re supposed to rinse.”
“I mean, so what if I’m not that good with computers! Just because I don’t know how to write code doesn’t mean I’m less cool than he is, right?!”
“Ok, I can’t hear anything you’re saying,” Alice mutters over Christy’s shrieks and the whoosh of the bathtub faucet. She looks up when it suddenly goes quiet. Christy is staring at herself in the mirror, eyes wide with admiration.
“Oh my god. I look… I look good,” she whispers, fingering her newly curled hair. She looks determinedly at Alice. “Mark Zuckerberg stole my Eduardo, but I’m going to get him back.”
#
For the past six months, Chris has been dragging Dustin and Eduardo to each and every performance of the campus acappella group in hopes of catching the attention of his crush, a senior tenor.
“If you want his attention so much, why do you drag us to suffer through it with you?” Eduardo whines over lunch that Saturday when Chris announces the plan for the night.
“I’m not going to go by myself. I want him to think I’m dedicated and supportive, not an obsessive loner!” Chris says.
Eduardo manages to convince Mark to take a break from coding and come with them. “It’ll be embarrassingly awful; you have to come!” he pleads. Mark shrugs, but doesn’t protest when Eduardo drags him out the door.
#
They find Chris sitting at a table near the back of the room, chatting with Dustin and Erica. When they get closer, Erica turns to glare at them. “Saverin. I see you’ve moved on from the sandbox. Where’d you get this one from, Best Buy?”
Mark retorts, “Please, as if they’d have anything as advanced as me. Maybe you’ve heard about this cool new project of mine, TheFacebook?”
“No,” Erica says disinterestedly, turning back to Dustin. “Like I care what you jerky jerk Harvard boys get up to.”
“Hey!” Dustin protests.
Mark rolls his eyes. “Oh please, you go to B.U.”
Chris just shushes them and turns to watch the stage as the lights dim.
#
A minute into the second song, the door slams open. The group onstage stops mid-song as two girls storm in.
“Eduardo Saverin, prepare to die!” Alice screams as she strides towards their table.
“Oh thank god, I thought they’d never stop singing,” Eduardo mutters to Mark. “Wait. What?”
She pulls a fencing foil out from her backpack. “You heard me. You think you’re so sharp, but you’re no match for my blade.”
“That’s clever, where’s that from?”
“My brain!” Alice snarls. “Stop stalling and fight me already!”
“What did I even do?” Eduardo looks to his friends, wondering if there was some drunken hookup he maybe forgot.
Chris and Dustin shrug back, just as clueless, but Mark moves in closer and says, “That’s Alice. I sort of… well, for a little while I went through a heterosexal experimenting phase.”
“And you chose a bloodthirsty girl like her to experiment with?”
“We met at a fencing competition; we both won our divisions. After the awards ceremony, she pulled me into the bathroom and we made out. The next week, when I was sure I was 100% gay, I broke up with her.”
Alice brandishes the foil in Eduardo’s face. “If I can’t have him, no one can. Especially not the asshole who broke my best friend’s heart, obviously!”
Christy appears at her side with a flaming baton. Her now curly hair is frizzed out behind her, making her look about five inches taller and ten times scarier than usual. “Mark Zuckerberg! You stole Eduardo from me, you shall pay!”
“No I didn’t! I didn’t steal anything!” Mark exclaims.
Eduardo ducks his head and mutters, “Uh, actually, I may have made out with you before I officially broke up with Christy. Sorry. I just kind of forgot about her when I met you.”
Mark just rolls his eyes. “Whatever. I’m obviously better, it’s hardly a competition.”
Dustin hisses at them, “Guys, fight now, talk later!”
Chris chimes in. “Yeah, girls hate it when you make them wait. Even I know that.”
“Right!” Eduardo ducks as Alice swings her blade towards his head, arms flailing out in loose fists. Miraculously, he manages to connect.
“Ow! You punched me in the boob!” Alice pulls back, free hand cradling her chest. “That hurt, you ass!”
Meanwhile, Mark has managed to wrestle Christy’s baton from her and is dousing the flames in somebody’s glass of water.
“Eduardo?”
Eduardo spins around, and there’s Christy right in his face again, eyes big and teary. “You cheated on me?”
“Look, ah, I didn’t mean to! I mean, I’m sorry. You’re a great girl an all, you’re just a little scary. Also, I felt kind of bad dating someone so young,” he says shakily.
Alice tugs on Christy’s arm. “Whatever, we’re too good for you boys anyway. Come on Christy, we’ve got to get home before curfew.”
Eduardo sighs in relief and turns to Mark. His boyfriend just smirks at him. “I can’t believe you thought my ex was the psycho one - yours just tried to set me on fire!”
“Yeah, what a night. At least the show is over.” Eduardo turns to say goodbye to his roommates, only to find Chris making out with his crush heatedly. Dustin and Erica are across the room, play-sword fighting with brooms they found.
Mark reaches up to cup Eduardo’s face and give him a kiss. “Come on. When we get home I want to talk about expanding TheFacebook. And maybe make out a little more, too.”
They leave hand in hand.
#
Mark recruits Chris and Dustin to help with publicity and coding for TheFacebook’s expansion to Yale, Columbia, and (at Eduardo’s suggestion) Stanford. The four of them spend almost all their free time over the next few weeks in Eduardo’s common room, whiteboards and laptops perched between cans of Red Bull and the occasional textbook.
Chris has set up an interview with the Crimson to get the word out about the expansion. He drags Dustin away from his laptop and winks at Eduardo as he grabs their coats. “You boys have fun now. We’ll be out for at least a few hours.”
Mark just nods absently before returning to his computer, but Eduardo jumps up to block them at the door. He hisses, “You can’t leave me alone yet! He’s wired in; Mark never lets us get past third base unless he’s done coding. I haven’t come up with something distracting enough yet!”
Chris just pats his head. “If you strike out-”
“If?!”
“Fine, when you strike out, come find us in the library. I’ll be talking to that hotass Crimson editor, Divya Narendra.”
“I thought you were dating that singer dude. You guys looked pretty cozy at that performance last month.”
“Oh, he was actually really boring. Besides, this one’s got a girlfriend. I so enjoy tempting them over to the other side. See you in a few!”
Chris slams the door shut, leaving Eduardo to pout behind them. He sighs and turns back towards the living room. “Mark, do you want dinner? I’ll make us some garlic bread.”
“Sure, Wardo, whatever you want,” Mark mumbles distractedly. He glances up as Eduardo makes his way into the kitchen, though, and smiles thankfully.
#
“Here we go. Dig in!” Eduardo sets the plate of hot garlic bread down on the coffee table. Mark sets his laptop aside and they each grab a piece.
“Hey, this is actually really good,” Mark comments after his first bite.
“Thank you,” Eduardo grins. “I love garlic bread. I’d eat it for every meal if I could.”
“You’d have a permanent case of garlic breath. I guess it’s a good thing I like garlic.” Mark leans in to prove his point to Eduardo. He brings a hand up to the back of Eduardo’s head to urge his lips closer.
Just as Eduardo’s about to suggest they forgo dinner and move to his bed, Mark murmurs, “Your hair is ridiculously fluffy.”
Eduardo jerks back and runs his hands self-consciously over said hair. Why didn’t he remember to use pomade today?
Mark tries awkwardly to reassure him. “Hey, I just meant it’s kind of like petting a cat or something. A really, really fluffy cat that’s just been washed and dried. Or electrocuted. I mean- I didn’t mean to insult your hair.”
“But you’d like it better if I had hair like the Winklevosses, is that it?” Eduardo huffs and grabs a wool hat from his room. “Come on, let’s go see how Chris and Dustin’s interview is going.”
“Are we just doing this so you have an excuse to wear a hat?” Mark asks skeptically.
“What? No! I just thought we’d see how things are going, you know, since the story’s going to print tomorrow.” Eduardo urges Mark into a jacket and out the door, tugging his hat down further.
#
They find his roommates sitting at a table in the corner of the library, talking enthusiastically to a handsome man with a tape recorder and notebook.
As they approach, Divya looks up and asks, “And are you ready to face the dire consequences of this new enterprise and it’s rapid development?”
Chris and Dustin look to one another blankly, trying to come up with a diplomatic and optimistic answer. Divya looks past them and stares straight at Eduardo. “Hey, I’m talking to you!”
“Me?” Eduardo squeaks out.
“Yes, you. Are you prepared to face my wrath?”
“What did I even do?!”
Mark shuffles closer and pitches his voice library-quiet in Eduardo’s ear. “Divya and I dated for a little while last semester. He was kind of obsessive, always calling and e-mailing. He even left a dozen messages with my RA when I didn’t respond. So I broke up with him.”
“That was a big mistake, Zuckerberg. And now this little snot is going to pay!” Divya spews. “I hear you like math, Saverin. Take a seat; we’re going to have a little competition.”
Eduardo sits cautiously in the seat next to Chris. Mark takes the other empty chair next to Dustin.
“Sorry, buddy,” Chris whispers, “I didn’t realize he was an evil ex. Do you think Mark would mind if I bought him a drink, though?”
“Silence!” Divya commands. He pushes a sheet of paper towards Eduardo. There’s an equation written out on the top. “Now, your friends have been so kind as to provide these numbers for us. Assume that TheFacebook is growing at an exponential rate on the Harvard campus. Once the site spreads to three additional campuses, word of mouth means the growth rate is even faster. After exactly one week at the other schools, how many total users will TheFacebook have? First one to calculate the correct answer wins dating rights to Mark.”
“But I’m already dating Mark,” Eduardo protests.
Mark chimes in, “And I would never date you again.”
Divya huffs. “I meant that if I win, you stop dating Mark. Forever. Stop stalling and let’s do this!”
Dustin looks at his watch and raises his arm up like a flag. “Aaaaaand… Go!”
The table is silent save for the rapid scratches of pencil. Eduardo really wishes Mark’s exes could be a little more polite and take the time to properly introduce themselves before challenging him.
“Three-thousand eight-hundred and twenty-two!” Eduardo shouts as he throws his pencil down. Divya freezes, then motions to Chris.
Chris takes Eduardo’s sheet and punches the numbers into his TI-89. He nods proudly. “Congratulations, Wardo! You just kicked his ass.”
Eduardo high-fives Dustin as Divya grumbles and gathers his belongings. Mark and Eduardo are too busy trading kisses and grinning victoriously to hear Divya’s parting words.
“Fine, Saverin, fine. Don’t expect Mark’s big ex to be so easy on you, though - he’s much more cunning than you.” He stomps out, ignoring the librarian’s glare as he passes the front desk.
#
The four of them go out to dinner to celebrate both TheFacebook’s successful expansion and Mark and Eduardo’s four month anniversary. Eduardo’s getting drinks at the bar when he notices a blond guy in an expensive blazer talking to Mark at their table. Oddly enough, Mark is nodding along enthusiastically instead of giving the guy his usual blank stare. Eduardo taps his fingers impatiently on the countertop, anxious to go see what has his boyfriend so excited.
“Here’s your f***ing beer, Saverin.” Erica slams four bottles of Beck’s down right next to his fingers.
“Erica! What the hell are you doing here? And what’s with the censoring?”
“It’s called having a f***ing job, something a spoiled Harvard boy like you would know f***all about. And I’m not allowed to swear at customers. That’s forty bucks.”
“Forty!? Are you sure?” Eduardo asks, startled.
“Did I f***ing stutter?” Erica snatches the cash from Eduardo’s hand and stalks off towards the kitchen.
Eduardo pockets his wallet and winds his way back to the table. The stranger smirks from where he’s sitting in Eduardo’s chair. “I’ve already got a round,” he says, waving a hand casually over the full pints sitting on the table.
“And who are you?” Eduardo asks. His mother would smack him if she knew how rude he was being right now, but this intruder makes his blood boil.
Dustin looks at Eduardo is disbelief. “Dude, you don’t know? This is Sean Parker - he invented Napster. He’s like, king of the internet. And he apparently used to date Mark in high school. How cool is that?”
“Well, Napster was pretty revolutionary for its time,” Sean says, “but it looks like TheFacebook is going to be the next ‘it’ site. I always knew my little Marky was multi-talented.” He leers across the table.
“Yes, we all appreciate Mark’s brilliance,” Eduardo says, laying his hand over Mark’s.
“So- it’s Eduardo, right?” Sean pauses. “What do you do?”
“I’m CFO,” Eduardo bites out.
Sean nods dismissively, and turns back to Mark. “Mmhmm. Mark, I know some great VCs in Palo Alto who would just love to get in on TheFacebook. I can set up some meetings if you’d like.”
Mark nods blankly, carefully not looking at Eduardo.
“Mark? Can I talk to you alone for a second?” Eduardo hisses. He tilts his head towards the alcove by the restrooms. They get up from the table, leaving Chris to suffer alone through Dustin’s fanboying at Sean.
#
“Is there something you want to tell me?” Eduardo whispers angrily.
“We have to break up,” Mark says. He sounds rather resigned. “It’s Sean. I just- I can’t help myself around him.”
“That’s the bad news,” comes Sean’s smug voice from behind. He ropes an arm snugly around Mark’s waist. “The good news is, you’ll still be CFO of Facebook. And with me as president, the company is going to be worth a billion dollars by the end of summer. By the way, babe, you should really drop the ‘the’ - just ‘Facebook.’ It’s much cleaner.”
“You really think we’ll let you just come in and take charge of the company?” Eduardo cannot believe this is happening. Why isn’t Mark saying anything?
“Oh, I don’t need your permission. Mark’s already agreed, and Dusty-“
“Dustin.”
“He’s all for it; thinks I’m an absolute genius. So I guess you and your friend Chris will just have to live with that.” Sean smiles smugly at Eduardo.
“No, no, I’m not going to be a part of a company with a douchebag like you in charge!” Eduardo declares.
“Ouch, Wardo. That was not polite at all. And here I thought you were a gentleman,” Sean tuts mockingly. “C’mon Mark, let’s blow this joint.”
Eduardo trails them back to the table, where Sean is signing the check. Dustin looks torn, unsure why Mark is letting Sean be so handsy and Eduardo isn’t stepping in. Chris just looks murderous. Eduardo can sympathize with both of them.
“Oh! Eduardo, I really am sorry about the whole League of Evil Exes thing. I was kind of in a slump when I put that thing together. I mean, really, you’re kind of the one who brought Mark back to me, so… forgiven?”
There are no words Eduardo can possibly use to express how much he hates Sean Parker right now. How could Mark leave him for such an utter asshole?
“Oh, and buddy, by the way - we’re heading out to a party at Kappa Eta Theta. It’ll be a little celebration of Facebook and its visionary new president, by which I mean me. You should stop by. We’d all feel a little weird if you weren’t there. No hard feelings, right? Okay, laterz!” Sean strolls out with Mark and Dustin in tow.
“What a perfect asshole,” Chris spits out. “You should kick his ass.”
Eduardo nods determinedly, grateful to have Chris’ support. They make their way quickly towards the party.
#
The party is full swing, if the hordes of drunken students dancing on the front porch are anything to go by. Chris and Eduardo make their way through the living room, past the jocks shotgunning Budweiser and the sorority sisters giggling tipsily over their red cups.
Sean’s voice is drifting down from somewhere on the second floor, his obnoxious tone audible even above the thumping bass of the music. “… and now, we’re going to live on the internet!”
Eduardo squeezes past kids on the staircase, who are too busy sneering at the people below to pay him any attention. The landing faces a lounge of some sort, coffee tables and sofas littered with drinks and other substances. And there’s Sean, in the middle of it all, sprawled out comfortably in a loveseat, and Mark perched uncomfortably against the arm.
“Eduardo! Hey, bud, you made it! Someone get this guy a beer.” Sean beckons him closer.
“I’m not here to drink,” Eduardo interrupts, “I’m here to fight.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s no need for that. I have no problem with you. And I even apologized about the thing with the League. It’s over, Eduardo. Time to move on.”
“It is not over. You’re a dick, and you don’t deserve Facebook, and you definitely do not deserve Mark,” Eduardo spits out. He hands his blazer off to Chris and carefully unbuttons his shirtsleeves to roll them up.
“Oh, please. Like you’re a better choice for either one?” Sean snorts disbelievingly.
“I may not be the best choice for Facebook, but I love Mark for who he is, not the fame and fortune he can bring. Can you say the same?”
Mark looks up and meets Eduardo’s gaze, surprised. Sean interrupts with a loud snort, “Does it matter? Mark has idolized me for years; I doubt that’s going to change. And why should it? I can code better and charm faster than you, so if it’s a challenge you want, then bring it, baby.”
Eduardo lunges towards Sean, fists clenched and ready to make impact. He stops short as Sean flinches away.
“What are you doing?! I thought we were going to have a battle of wits! That’s how it went down with the rest of the League; it isn’t fair to change the rules now! And I have asthma, I can’t brawl!” Sean’s voice is high and panicky now, all of his previous bravado gone. He’s crawled up the loveseat to sit on the backing, feet on the cushions and his hands squeezing Mark’s shoulders, looking for protection.
Mark shoves him off and gets to his feet. He stands up with his full height, shoulders straight, eyes steely and cold. “Sean, go home. There’s nothing you have to offer to me or to Facebook anymore. You’re nothing but a has-been, and I don’t need you.”
Sean’s jaw drops and he sputters, “You can’t do that! I know everyone in Silicon Valley! You’ll never get anywhere without my connections! I’m the big player; I’m the center of the party!”
Behind them, a cop clears his throat. “That’s what I’ve been told, too. Sean Parker, you’re the one who provided the alcohol and cocaine for all these underage kids, is that right? I think you’d better come down to the station for a little chat.”
Sean is dragged bodily down the stairs and out the door by the burly policemen, kicking and screaming the whole way about conspiracies against him and the connections he has that will make them all regret this, he promises.
Dustin wanders in just as Sean’s being put in car. “What happened? Is the party over already?”
Chris fills him in, and he turns to Mark aghast. “You told that dick off and I missed it?! Dammit! I’m never going pee at a party again!”
“So,” Eduardo draws out, looking hopefully at Mark, “what next?”
Mark sighs. “California, I think. Sean was right about that part, at least; I really need to be out there for the summer with Facebook taking off. Who knows, maybe I’ll stay there. There are too many people out here who’ve been hurt because of me.”
Eduardo’s heart stops for a second. After all they’ve gone through, Mark’s just going to leave him behind like that? “You’re just going to leave me, leave us - like that? No way, Mark. I love you. I want to come with you.”
“Hey!” Dustin chimes in. “Me too!”
Chris slings an arm over Dustin’s shoulder. “Me three!”
Eduardo grins. “See? You’re never getting rid of us.”
Mark looks overwhelmed by their enthusiasm for a second, but then he smiles - a real, full smile. “Of course you guys can come. Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Game Over