THE POSSE: A REFLECTION
Sometimes I think about my friends. The best friends I've ever had. Sometimes I wonder if they think of me, if they think of each other. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't. We used to be so close, we were all innocent, and we were all evil. We still are, but now we're all grown up, inflicting our insanity on the new people in our lives rather than each other. Sometimes we'd drive each other crazy. Maybe we drove each other away. I think we just grew apart.
Still. This is what the process of life is. Gaining new experiences. Becoming different people. There is no point in dwelling in what used to be. I don't miss any bygone days between us. The most wonderful friends I had, will ever have, will always love, more than anyone else. Yet, the time we spend together and the time we spend apart do not matter to me.
Witnessing these people go through new experiences in their lives, wonderful experiences, terrible experiences. Seeing them love each other, hate each other. All this does not trouble me in the least. It's not because of a lack of caring, or because we are all so distanced from one another now. I simply enjoy seeing every one you be yourselves, do all those delightful and insane things I know you're capable of doing. Live your life to the fullest, whether or not you find yourselves enveloped in grief, anger, love, or joy.
In some ways, I prefer we all leave the nest of the posse, rather than frolic amongst ourselves: show the world how amazing each of us are, rather than selfishly keep it between us.
I know we've all been hurt by each other. Been upset with one another and fought. We've all been angry and had our spats.
I always thought the most beautiful act a human could do was to forgive. We forgive each other not because we need it, but because the other person does. To forgive. To give. The most generous act a person could do.
My friends. They could hurt each other. They could hurt themselves. They could even try and hurt me. It wouldn't matter. There is never a moment when they are not forgiven in my eyes. I've reached a point where I don't think I could be mad at them, even if I tried, no matter what they do.
I've been thinking a lot about love and friendship lately. I'm not the most social person. I only go out of my way to make friends if I feel a real connection to someone. I'm not one for superficial friendships, ones that only last a year.
And there is romantic love. The older I get, the more I wonder if I've ever truly loved another being like that. Every time I thought I was in love it only brought me pain and heartbreak. I lost who I was. I wonder if maybe it was because I didn't truly love them, so I had to be something I wasn't. And there is loneliness. To be honest, I've never been truly lonely. Sure, my vagina is lonely some days. Sometimes no matter how loving and beautiful sex can be, it doesn't mean there is any real love behind it, I know now. As a woman it can be so easy to get confused between love and sex. I have so much love to give, but it always feels so much better when I give it to myself, rather than someone who could unthinkingly toss it away. Sometimes I wonder if there is any need for that kind of a love anymore.
But no matter what future romances life has in store for me, nothing will ever exceed the love I hold for the posse. It's a love that doesn't need to be reassured, or make any grand gestures, or go out of its way to prove itself. It just sits there, unfading and motionless. When the rest of you are old, have forgotten about the posse, have forgotten me, it won't matter. It’s not the memories I love; it’s a love that is always active and present. When you all cease to care, I won't mind, I'll still love all of you. The purest love, the only love that will last forever.
I never was a writer.
Still. This is what the process of life is. Gaining new experiences. Becoming different people. There is no point in dwelling in what used to be. I don't miss any bygone days between us. The most wonderful friends I had, will ever have, will always love, more than anyone else. Yet, the time we spend together and the time we spend apart do not matter to me.
Witnessing these people go through new experiences in their lives, wonderful experiences, terrible experiences. Seeing them love each other, hate each other. All this does not trouble me in the least. It's not because of a lack of caring, or because we are all so distanced from one another now. I simply enjoy seeing every one you be yourselves, do all those delightful and insane things I know you're capable of doing. Live your life to the fullest, whether or not you find yourselves enveloped in grief, anger, love, or joy.
In some ways, I prefer we all leave the nest of the posse, rather than frolic amongst ourselves: show the world how amazing each of us are, rather than selfishly keep it between us.
I know we've all been hurt by each other. Been upset with one another and fought. We've all been angry and had our spats.
I always thought the most beautiful act a human could do was to forgive. We forgive each other not because we need it, but because the other person does. To forgive. To give. The most generous act a person could do.
My friends. They could hurt each other. They could hurt themselves. They could even try and hurt me. It wouldn't matter. There is never a moment when they are not forgiven in my eyes. I've reached a point where I don't think I could be mad at them, even if I tried, no matter what they do.
I've been thinking a lot about love and friendship lately. I'm not the most social person. I only go out of my way to make friends if I feel a real connection to someone. I'm not one for superficial friendships, ones that only last a year.
And there is romantic love. The older I get, the more I wonder if I've ever truly loved another being like that. Every time I thought I was in love it only brought me pain and heartbreak. I lost who I was. I wonder if maybe it was because I didn't truly love them, so I had to be something I wasn't. And there is loneliness. To be honest, I've never been truly lonely. Sure, my vagina is lonely some days. Sometimes no matter how loving and beautiful sex can be, it doesn't mean there is any real love behind it, I know now. As a woman it can be so easy to get confused between love and sex. I have so much love to give, but it always feels so much better when I give it to myself, rather than someone who could unthinkingly toss it away. Sometimes I wonder if there is any need for that kind of a love anymore.
But no matter what future romances life has in store for me, nothing will ever exceed the love I hold for the posse. It's a love that doesn't need to be reassured, or make any grand gestures, or go out of its way to prove itself. It just sits there, unfading and motionless. When the rest of you are old, have forgotten about the posse, have forgotten me, it won't matter. It’s not the memories I love; it’s a love that is always active and present. When you all cease to care, I won't mind, I'll still love all of you. The purest love, the only love that will last forever.
I never was a writer.