Why Do I Keep Falling?
Ok I'm going to try and explain my life from where I last left off (minus something I already have written enough about elsewhere) as best as I can. Justin and I broke up very shortly after my last post. So yeah, I ended Winter quarter single but strong. Anyway, here it goes:
It all began with my decision to take Geography Spring quarter 2009. I needed a diversity credit and a social science class and it didn't conflict with any of my other classes so I signed up. Of course I was going to continue Japanese but I decided not to take it at 9 because Scott Saunders came into my english class mid-winter quarter and I really liked the small taste I got of his drumming class and the only time that was being offered was 9. The other class I signed up for was Nutrition with Melissa.
Week 1 of spring quarter: in drumming I kinda know a couple people since they were in choir with me, in Japanese a friend/crush from Fall quarter is in my class. We flirt and that Friday he admits he has a crush on me. I admit to him that I had a crush on him as well. Oh yes that same day another boy had kissed me before I went to drivers ed. Hehe I remember Corey teased me that day because I was smiling/blushing the whole day. Anyway I decided it'd be better to go out with the person I'd hadn't seen or communicated with or knew as well or kissed yet. That was my first mistake. Um nutrition was just a class with Melissa. We took notes and whispered to each other as we usually do. Nothing really eventful happened in that class.
The next couple weeks: Boy from Japanese and Katie = couple. Everyone in Japanese knows this. He makes me feel rather uncomfortable when he's with me sometimes. Other times he's nice. Sometimes he's totally distant and other times very close and clingy. I am totally confused by him but determined to make it work because I am infatuated with him.
Anyway, in Geography I think we were given a topographical map per every 3 or 4 people. I was the only one at my table so I turned around and two guys were who I shared my map with. That was technically the first time I met Randall. Later at the bus stop he said hi to me again and asked what I was listening to. It was Owl City, Hello Seattle. I had him listen to it while he had me scan through his I-pod. He didn't have much I knew, some Death Cab though which made me smile. I didn't really think about him much though. We had basic chit chat on the bus every now and again. We became bus buddies on Mondays and Wednesdays. But as soon as I got home and on Skype to talk to the boy I was dating, whatever good mood I was in disappeared. It would make cameos on and off but for the most part I felt very depressed talking to him.
That continued for about a month and a couple weeks. He bought me a dozen roses for my birthday. Around that time Randall and I exchanged phone numbers and started playing correspondence chess to keep us from total boredom in Geography. He also helped kick my butt in doing the writing assignments I didn't really want to do for class. Anyway, he knew things were kinda shaky in my relationship with the Japanese class boy. I think he made a comment about the roses trying to make up for the past month of roller coaster emotions. I agreed with his comment.
June first was the day I decided I couldn't take the Japanese boy's depression anymore. He was depending on me for happiness and I realized I couldn't make him happy. Plus my infatuation with him had faded and it was growing fast for Randall.
That night Randall and I flirted an insane amount and he convinced me to stay up and watch the Conan O'Brian show premier. I had never texted anyone so much. My heart was fluttering all night.
I think I skipped Japanese the next day. But I met Randall at his Geology club meeting I think and after that we sat under the tree in front of building 34 and he kissed me. Honestly, that kiss rivals my first one with Matthew. It was very close to perfect.
I was in total bliss with him all month. Little did I realize that I was being rebounded. The red flag should have come up when his ex sent me a message on Myspace. Then he asked me if I would mind if he talked to her again. I said no but I should have said yes. Recently it's been revealed to me they both still had feelings for each other. This is a very good example of what goes around comes around. Anyway, we ended when I told him that I loved him. I didn't know that I was just totally infatuated with him and only just beginning to actually fall in love with him. That's why it hurt so badly though, because I had actually started to fall. It was becoming more than infatuation. I was moving past the smitten stage and in between the transition when I was broken in two. It took me more than a week to actually smile without forcing it again.
Weeks went by. We still texted each other off and on a bit each day. I tried to get over him. I went to Creation Festival and started making a connection with this boy named Will. He has a great voice. But he also had a girlfriend. He was spending a lot of time with me and he shouldn't have and he got in trouble for it.
A couple weeks later I got hit by a car while riding my bike heading for the church for vacation bible school. A week after that happened Randall asked if I wanted to go for a bike ride at about 10pm on a Saturday night. I felt spontaneous so I said... hmm I'll see if I can sneak myself out of the house. I did and I felt exhilarated. I had never done that before. I was psyched. So was he. We rode our bikes to Cabela's which is basically meeting each other in the middle of where we both live. We hugged and I pulled away and he was like "no?" I said "I'm not your girlfriend anymore". and he said "yeah... I know..." and then we sat and chatted at Cabela's for about an hour making comments about the music, our lives, everything and anything. Then he said "you know, I really want to kiss you right now..." or something very close to that and I told him "why don't you?" and he was surprised but agreed then we kissed and we kissed for about an hour and a half. I am not even kidding. Then we decided it was getting late and departed our separate ways back home. Sadly this didn't last very long at all. By that thursday we had decided because of Tess that it would probably be better to just be friends. She was watching out for both of us. He wasn't really ready to be back in a relationship. Neither was I. I really wanted to but the smarter part of my brain knew I wasn't and decided not to mope too much about it. Plus Laura scolded us about it. When Laura doesn't approve, that's a bad thing. Yeah so that was August.
September comes around and I go to Wisconsin and he compliments me in the dress I am determined to fit for prom and he said that he'd totally be jealous of who takes me and I said "too bad it can't be you but you're too old" but then I said something about possibly getting him a fake id and he said he'd take me if we could get him a fake id. I was still quite attached to him. Later after high school started but before college he and I went on a bike ride and had a nice bbq in my back yard. I was trying to make sense of all the things we were doing together and his compliments and I was successfully convincing myself he's just being a friend. I was ok until Will texted me and I realized how hopeless I was. I really tried to keep my emotional ness from Randall but I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to feel guilty though and once college started I kinda got my head on straight. We didn't text much other than an occasional hello, what's up, how's life, and sometimes seeing each other on the bus.
Then on halloween he decided to come get me and drive me around with him for an hour with Helena and some random teenagers we picked up at the gas station. He was being crazy. He insisted on a goodbye hug though. He got some of his Mad Hatter face paint on my Relient K hoodie but I didn't care. When I got inside into my room I realized I still love that man. This was only confirmed when he called me like 10 minutes later to make sure that wasn't a totally uncomfortable, awkward experience and I never want to hang out with him again. The next day I had to study with Cassie but we decided to split our studying into two days. I went to Barnes & Nobel since I felt like looking for a book. I didn't end up buying one because in the moment I was deciding, Randall texted me "You know what's terrible. When someone says Fml and means it :(". I realized something was wrong and decided to hop in my car. I didn't realize he was the one who felt like screaming FML. Jenn and her new beau are talking about getting married and she said she wants Randy to come. I offered to come over and give him a hug and he asked if I'd be terribly against cuddling. I shook as I drove. I lectured myself before I got out of my car that he just needs a friend right now, this doesn't mean anything. WRONG.
And now we are here at today. I love him but I'm worried that I'm wasting my time. I'm worried I'm only causing more damage to my already scarred and bruised heart. I want to just enjoy it while it lasts and not get too attached because I know we're both going separate ways when we graduate. Our destinations won't be very far from each other but still, I'm pretty sure he's going to want to start out fresh and single at WSU. I shouldn't look so far ahead though. Taking things one day at a time seems to be the best way to handle this. The future is uncertain, today is a gift. (:
No matter what happens I will always find a reason to smile and carry on.
It all began with my decision to take Geography Spring quarter 2009. I needed a diversity credit and a social science class and it didn't conflict with any of my other classes so I signed up. Of course I was going to continue Japanese but I decided not to take it at 9 because Scott Saunders came into my english class mid-winter quarter and I really liked the small taste I got of his drumming class and the only time that was being offered was 9. The other class I signed up for was Nutrition with Melissa.
Week 1 of spring quarter: in drumming I kinda know a couple people since they were in choir with me, in Japanese a friend/crush from Fall quarter is in my class. We flirt and that Friday he admits he has a crush on me. I admit to him that I had a crush on him as well. Oh yes that same day another boy had kissed me before I went to drivers ed. Hehe I remember Corey teased me that day because I was smiling/blushing the whole day. Anyway I decided it'd be better to go out with the person I'd hadn't seen or communicated with or knew as well or kissed yet. That was my first mistake. Um nutrition was just a class with Melissa. We took notes and whispered to each other as we usually do. Nothing really eventful happened in that class.
The next couple weeks: Boy from Japanese and Katie = couple. Everyone in Japanese knows this. He makes me feel rather uncomfortable when he's with me sometimes. Other times he's nice. Sometimes he's totally distant and other times very close and clingy. I am totally confused by him but determined to make it work because I am infatuated with him.
Anyway, in Geography I think we were given a topographical map per every 3 or 4 people. I was the only one at my table so I turned around and two guys were who I shared my map with. That was technically the first time I met Randall. Later at the bus stop he said hi to me again and asked what I was listening to. It was Owl City, Hello Seattle. I had him listen to it while he had me scan through his I-pod. He didn't have much I knew, some Death Cab though which made me smile. I didn't really think about him much though. We had basic chit chat on the bus every now and again. We became bus buddies on Mondays and Wednesdays. But as soon as I got home and on Skype to talk to the boy I was dating, whatever good mood I was in disappeared. It would make cameos on and off but for the most part I felt very depressed talking to him.
That continued for about a month and a couple weeks. He bought me a dozen roses for my birthday. Around that time Randall and I exchanged phone numbers and started playing correspondence chess to keep us from total boredom in Geography. He also helped kick my butt in doing the writing assignments I didn't really want to do for class. Anyway, he knew things were kinda shaky in my relationship with the Japanese class boy. I think he made a comment about the roses trying to make up for the past month of roller coaster emotions. I agreed with his comment.
June first was the day I decided I couldn't take the Japanese boy's depression anymore. He was depending on me for happiness and I realized I couldn't make him happy. Plus my infatuation with him had faded and it was growing fast for Randall.
That night Randall and I flirted an insane amount and he convinced me to stay up and watch the Conan O'Brian show premier. I had never texted anyone so much. My heart was fluttering all night.
I think I skipped Japanese the next day. But I met Randall at his Geology club meeting I think and after that we sat under the tree in front of building 34 and he kissed me. Honestly, that kiss rivals my first one with Matthew. It was very close to perfect.
I was in total bliss with him all month. Little did I realize that I was being rebounded. The red flag should have come up when his ex sent me a message on Myspace. Then he asked me if I would mind if he talked to her again. I said no but I should have said yes. Recently it's been revealed to me they both still had feelings for each other. This is a very good example of what goes around comes around. Anyway, we ended when I told him that I loved him. I didn't know that I was just totally infatuated with him and only just beginning to actually fall in love with him. That's why it hurt so badly though, because I had actually started to fall. It was becoming more than infatuation. I was moving past the smitten stage and in between the transition when I was broken in two. It took me more than a week to actually smile without forcing it again.
Weeks went by. We still texted each other off and on a bit each day. I tried to get over him. I went to Creation Festival and started making a connection with this boy named Will. He has a great voice. But he also had a girlfriend. He was spending a lot of time with me and he shouldn't have and he got in trouble for it.
A couple weeks later I got hit by a car while riding my bike heading for the church for vacation bible school. A week after that happened Randall asked if I wanted to go for a bike ride at about 10pm on a Saturday night. I felt spontaneous so I said... hmm I'll see if I can sneak myself out of the house. I did and I felt exhilarated. I had never done that before. I was psyched. So was he. We rode our bikes to Cabela's which is basically meeting each other in the middle of where we both live. We hugged and I pulled away and he was like "no?" I said "I'm not your girlfriend anymore". and he said "yeah... I know..." and then we sat and chatted at Cabela's for about an hour making comments about the music, our lives, everything and anything. Then he said "you know, I really want to kiss you right now..." or something very close to that and I told him "why don't you?" and he was surprised but agreed then we kissed and we kissed for about an hour and a half. I am not even kidding. Then we decided it was getting late and departed our separate ways back home. Sadly this didn't last very long at all. By that thursday we had decided because of Tess that it would probably be better to just be friends. She was watching out for both of us. He wasn't really ready to be back in a relationship. Neither was I. I really wanted to but the smarter part of my brain knew I wasn't and decided not to mope too much about it. Plus Laura scolded us about it. When Laura doesn't approve, that's a bad thing. Yeah so that was August.
September comes around and I go to Wisconsin and he compliments me in the dress I am determined to fit for prom and he said that he'd totally be jealous of who takes me and I said "too bad it can't be you but you're too old" but then I said something about possibly getting him a fake id and he said he'd take me if we could get him a fake id. I was still quite attached to him. Later after high school started but before college he and I went on a bike ride and had a nice bbq in my back yard. I was trying to make sense of all the things we were doing together and his compliments and I was successfully convincing myself he's just being a friend. I was ok until Will texted me and I realized how hopeless I was. I really tried to keep my emotional ness from Randall but I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to feel guilty though and once college started I kinda got my head on straight. We didn't text much other than an occasional hello, what's up, how's life, and sometimes seeing each other on the bus.
Then on halloween he decided to come get me and drive me around with him for an hour with Helena and some random teenagers we picked up at the gas station. He was being crazy. He insisted on a goodbye hug though. He got some of his Mad Hatter face paint on my Relient K hoodie but I didn't care. When I got inside into my room I realized I still love that man. This was only confirmed when he called me like 10 minutes later to make sure that wasn't a totally uncomfortable, awkward experience and I never want to hang out with him again. The next day I had to study with Cassie but we decided to split our studying into two days. I went to Barnes & Nobel since I felt like looking for a book. I didn't end up buying one because in the moment I was deciding, Randall texted me "You know what's terrible. When someone says Fml and means it :(". I realized something was wrong and decided to hop in my car. I didn't realize he was the one who felt like screaming FML. Jenn and her new beau are talking about getting married and she said she wants Randy to come. I offered to come over and give him a hug and he asked if I'd be terribly against cuddling. I shook as I drove. I lectured myself before I got out of my car that he just needs a friend right now, this doesn't mean anything. WRONG.
And now we are here at today. I love him but I'm worried that I'm wasting my time. I'm worried I'm only causing more damage to my already scarred and bruised heart. I want to just enjoy it while it lasts and not get too attached because I know we're both going separate ways when we graduate. Our destinations won't be very far from each other but still, I'm pretty sure he's going to want to start out fresh and single at WSU. I shouldn't look so far ahead though. Taking things one day at a time seems to be the best way to handle this. The future is uncertain, today is a gift. (:
No matter what happens I will always find a reason to smile and carry on.