[1083] 50 ways to leave your lover
the boy was here looking tired, sad, also hopeful. tugs on the heartstrings but i gotta do it. he talks about neil young, harvest moons ("i wanna see you dance again because im still in love with you"), leonard cohens growl, the state of the world, the latest drink. i'd be worried but he knows about bounderies, way too smart to fuck up majorly. he must have been hearing a lot of the old masters quoting these lyrics. i feel 2x as bad thinking how excited he was when my actual voice replaced machines. the old dynamic fox is telling me its feeling neglected. cry me a river, mofo. ineveitably, i think of the offender; his reaction in contrast, lack thereof. that which disappointed me so. & still it isnt good enough. the lukewarm reception makes me resentful while something inside me screams wtf, girl! he wasnt even here to see the horror, experience firsthand. he didn't see the struggle, the dysreflexia, the suctioninig, all the rest of it. can he even imagine? honestly dont think he'd look at me the way he does had he been here. (& he still doesn't understand the lack of visuals on my part, dammit!) doesnt get thats part of what makes this more... comfortable. abstraction. abstraction. abstraction. the rendering of the general case from which an instance occurs. the process of removing detail to expose the essential features of a particular concept or object. me. me-heeeee. strip away all of the bad, picture me like you used to. he talks about trust. yes, i lack it. no, not in you but in my ability to remain the person that i was, should still be in your mind. cant explain without it ending in a fight. solution? shady.