About Sayaka
So, pretty much everyone I know has seen Puella Magi Madoka Magica, but just in case you haven't, I guess I'll go ahead and put this under a cut.
I think I've seen the series all the way through two or three times at this point, and I've seen the first few episodes a few times as I've shown them to other friends. I've collected a few figures over time, one complete set of the five girls, one set of three, and one large figure of Sayaka. She's my favorite, but had the show gone differently, she would easily have been my least favorite.
It's kind of funny to think about the show going differently, because in many ways- the show went every possible way. Since the big twist reveals that Homura has been time traveling over and over, practically every course of events has played itself out until the events we witness in the series. We get glimpses of these other timelines, and in many ways I think that most of the merchandise is from these other worlds, where the characters grew together and fought as a team with smiles on their faces. All of the posters and art shows them transformed and happy- which is something we never see in this series.
So back to Sayaka. Her character resonated with me on some level the first time I watched the show, but of course I was drawn to main character Madoka, and tragic hero Homura, just like everyone else. The second time around though, I found myself paying more attention to Sayaka, and feeling drawn to her own tragic path. Eventually, I grew to see that we share a lot in common.
First off, I have spent some time considering myself and who I would be as a character trope. I've always thought of myself as a lancer, happiest when I can play a supporting role to someone else, though willing to take up the reigns of leadership when needed (usually nervously). I enjoy being able to play the confidante to my friends. That being said, where a lancer in a book or movie generally has only one social circle- as an actual person, I have several, and each one might have its own "hero". Each of my friends are heroes in their own right. But they're all different people, so being a support character for each one of them calls for different things from me. I jokingly referred to this as being an "adjustable lancer" (which sounds a bit like it belongs in a toolkit).
I bring this up because while we see different sides of the characters depending on which timeline they are in (Homura begins as an unsure, wavering wisp of a girl, but ends up being cold and confident by the timeline in the series) Sayaka is the one we see change within the show's timeline, and this is reliant entirely upon who she is interacting with. At the beginning of the series, we see her spending a lot of time with Madoka, and she is boisterous, loud, and spends a lot of time pulling Madoka out of her shell. She is the red oni to Madoka's blue. We also see her with Kyosuke, her friend in the hospital who she is in love with. For him, she tries to be a source of encouragement in spite of his injury. Finally, we see Sayaka paired with Kyoko Sakura, after Sayaka becomes a magical girl. Here, there is a complete reversal. Kyoko's personality is brash, even rude- and Sayaka is now the blue oni to Kyoko's red. It's easy to imagine the friendly opposites they might have been in a happier timeline.
Much of Sayaka's shift from red to blue comes from a certain amount of introspection. Upon learning about what being a Puella Magi really means, she starts examining herself and her limitations. She no longer finds herself able to pursue the boy she loves. At the same time, she finds her self worth destroyed, because admitting that she felt she had the right to pursue him means admitting that her intentions when using her wish to heal him were not entirely selfless. This is no great surprise, Kyubey called her out on it as she asked about the wish, asking whether she wanted Kyosuke healed, or to be thankful for her help. Coming to the realization that what she really wanted was the latter is devastating to her feelings about herself, and she begins throwing herself dangerously into her work as a Puella Magi.
A recent tumblr post about magical girl series in general shined a light on this self destruction that I thought was brilliant. The writer said that the reason for Sayaka's downfall was that she was holding herself to an impossible standard, knowing she could not meet it, and yet being devastated when she inevitably failed. This was cited as a great parallel to a young woman's impossible quest to be what she feels society demands of her, even though those things are generally impossible.
It's actually this reasoning that helped me understand what it was I saw in the character, and why I liked her.
In general, I don't like characters that remind me of myself. My favorites have always been the ones I find admirable, who I aspire to be like. I use their quotes as inspiration, I find their triumphs to be uplifting, and I can always find one reason or another to forgive their faults. (Except Nightcrawler because seriously, he's perfect.) But when it comes to characters I actually identify with? I roll my eyes and want to slap some sense into them. (Yes, I'm fairly aware of what this implies about my self opinion.) So why is Sayaka sitting above my sofa? Because she becomes painfully aware of her failings. She learns the harsh reality about herself- and it ends up driving her mad. She owns up to the way she has thought of others, and though it ends up destroying her, in the end she is redeemed through the love of a friend- and she finds her peace and her hope.
Sometimes, I find myself in a terrible spiral of "feeling bad for feeling bad" about things. I prepare myself mentally for a situation, knowing there is a very real possibility of disappointment and tell myself that I'm prepared to deal with it when it comes. And then it does. And I'm not actually prepared at all. I end up feeling devastated, and as if that wasn't bad enough, I then feel guilty for A)Not dealing with things the way I had said I would and B)Lying and having convinced myself that I could have done so in the first place. I create a ridiculous standard, fail to meet it, and then get beat up coming and going.
I'm ridiculously self aware of this, which unfortunately doesn't make it any easier to deal with. In the end, I just throw myself full tilt in to whatever project I've got going on. (Hmm. Where have I seen this before?) With any luck though, one of my friends will help me through, and I'll have that peace and hope soon enough.
I think I've seen the series all the way through two or three times at this point, and I've seen the first few episodes a few times as I've shown them to other friends. I've collected a few figures over time, one complete set of the five girls, one set of three, and one large figure of Sayaka. She's my favorite, but had the show gone differently, she would easily have been my least favorite.
It's kind of funny to think about the show going differently, because in many ways- the show went every possible way. Since the big twist reveals that Homura has been time traveling over and over, practically every course of events has played itself out until the events we witness in the series. We get glimpses of these other timelines, and in many ways I think that most of the merchandise is from these other worlds, where the characters grew together and fought as a team with smiles on their faces. All of the posters and art shows them transformed and happy- which is something we never see in this series.
So back to Sayaka. Her character resonated with me on some level the first time I watched the show, but of course I was drawn to main character Madoka, and tragic hero Homura, just like everyone else. The second time around though, I found myself paying more attention to Sayaka, and feeling drawn to her own tragic path. Eventually, I grew to see that we share a lot in common.
First off, I have spent some time considering myself and who I would be as a character trope. I've always thought of myself as a lancer, happiest when I can play a supporting role to someone else, though willing to take up the reigns of leadership when needed (usually nervously). I enjoy being able to play the confidante to my friends. That being said, where a lancer in a book or movie generally has only one social circle- as an actual person, I have several, and each one might have its own "hero". Each of my friends are heroes in their own right. But they're all different people, so being a support character for each one of them calls for different things from me. I jokingly referred to this as being an "adjustable lancer" (which sounds a bit like it belongs in a toolkit).
I bring this up because while we see different sides of the characters depending on which timeline they are in (Homura begins as an unsure, wavering wisp of a girl, but ends up being cold and confident by the timeline in the series) Sayaka is the one we see change within the show's timeline, and this is reliant entirely upon who she is interacting with. At the beginning of the series, we see her spending a lot of time with Madoka, and she is boisterous, loud, and spends a lot of time pulling Madoka out of her shell. She is the red oni to Madoka's blue. We also see her with Kyosuke, her friend in the hospital who she is in love with. For him, she tries to be a source of encouragement in spite of his injury. Finally, we see Sayaka paired with Kyoko Sakura, after Sayaka becomes a magical girl. Here, there is a complete reversal. Kyoko's personality is brash, even rude- and Sayaka is now the blue oni to Kyoko's red. It's easy to imagine the friendly opposites they might have been in a happier timeline.
Much of Sayaka's shift from red to blue comes from a certain amount of introspection. Upon learning about what being a Puella Magi really means, she starts examining herself and her limitations. She no longer finds herself able to pursue the boy she loves. At the same time, she finds her self worth destroyed, because admitting that she felt she had the right to pursue him means admitting that her intentions when using her wish to heal him were not entirely selfless. This is no great surprise, Kyubey called her out on it as she asked about the wish, asking whether she wanted Kyosuke healed, or to be thankful for her help. Coming to the realization that what she really wanted was the latter is devastating to her feelings about herself, and she begins throwing herself dangerously into her work as a Puella Magi.
A recent tumblr post about magical girl series in general shined a light on this self destruction that I thought was brilliant. The writer said that the reason for Sayaka's downfall was that she was holding herself to an impossible standard, knowing she could not meet it, and yet being devastated when she inevitably failed. This was cited as a great parallel to a young woman's impossible quest to be what she feels society demands of her, even though those things are generally impossible.
It's actually this reasoning that helped me understand what it was I saw in the character, and why I liked her.
In general, I don't like characters that remind me of myself. My favorites have always been the ones I find admirable, who I aspire to be like. I use their quotes as inspiration, I find their triumphs to be uplifting, and I can always find one reason or another to forgive their faults. (Except Nightcrawler because seriously, he's perfect.) But when it comes to characters I actually identify with? I roll my eyes and want to slap some sense into them. (Yes, I'm fairly aware of what this implies about my self opinion.) So why is Sayaka sitting above my sofa? Because she becomes painfully aware of her failings. She learns the harsh reality about herself- and it ends up driving her mad. She owns up to the way she has thought of others, and though it ends up destroying her, in the end she is redeemed through the love of a friend- and she finds her peace and her hope.
Sometimes, I find myself in a terrible spiral of "feeling bad for feeling bad" about things. I prepare myself mentally for a situation, knowing there is a very real possibility of disappointment and tell myself that I'm prepared to deal with it when it comes. And then it does. And I'm not actually prepared at all. I end up feeling devastated, and as if that wasn't bad enough, I then feel guilty for A)Not dealing with things the way I had said I would and B)Lying and having convinced myself that I could have done so in the first place. I create a ridiculous standard, fail to meet it, and then get beat up coming and going.
I'm ridiculously self aware of this, which unfortunately doesn't make it any easier to deal with. In the end, I just throw myself full tilt in to whatever project I've got going on. (Hmm. Where have I seen this before?) With any luck though, one of my friends will help me through, and I'll have that peace and hope soon enough.