My heart is like an action figure...
One of my favorite "Anime that I really like but don't worry about watching it because I know it's actually terrible" is Blue Seed. In one episode's climax, Koume (the punchy, gun-happy tomboy) asks Yaegashi (the nerdy, quiet, somewhat perverted tech guy) how he can be so calm in the face of almost certain death, while she is freaking out. He tells her that it's because he's known fear, and that there's no shame in being afraid. She sort of breaks down a little after that.
Andrew talked to me a little bit last night about a seminar he went to, part of a "Post Doctorate Appreciation" event that has been going on on campus. The topic was stress and stress relief techniques. The speaker touched on how there are basically two ways to handle stress when it enters your life. One is to make active plans "this is where I'm having trouble, this is what I'm going to do to try and overcome that" and the other is to do everything in your power to avoid the issue. Procrastination etc. I think the speaker might have identified the latter as being an instinctive, undeveloped way of handling problems, and that as we grow we learn more productive ways of doing so.
He confessed that he never really had to deal with any measure of failure growing up, so when faced with recent challenges at work (you know, like not being able to cure cancer in a year) he didn't know how to properly respond. This led him to the path of procrastination and avoidance, which often brings with it a lot of negative feelings and depression. Now, having sort of identified "Oh, hell, THAT'S what I've been doing?" he has talked about approaching things more actively and talked a little bit about how he might bring this up to his younger brother.
I bring this up because I was sort of surprised. I know that Andrew has been dealing with a lot of trouble at work, and we talk about that quite a bit, but obviously I'm no great expert in science so there is limited insight I can offer on the topic.
Failure on the other hand...
So, yeah. I started thinking a bit about failing, how it's been a part of my life, and in the end, how it was something that I was able to grow from. I have the same story as a lot of smart kids. School was easy. I more or less breezed through it. I struggled my senior year of math, but it was sort of easy to brush that off because I had chosen to take a math course that was really hard for me for no real reason. I didn't need the credit. I just liked the teacher. Still, I very quickly became acquainted with failing grades that year. (But not really. My teacher admired the fact that I tried so damn hard, magical passing grades showed up on my report card, even though there was no way I earned them via actual test scores.)
So. College. Actual failure. Failure at things I had been told I was good at. Lack of basic skills that everyone around me seemed to possess. I failed. A Lot.
And I dealt with it poorly. I admit this. I was avoidant. I was a procrastinator. I took solace in things that were comfortable and easy. But I also knew, at the time that it was a poor way of handling things. Maybe it wasn't the ideal time and place to be screwing up, but it happened, and I was able to take something away from it.
I was able to come to the realization that I needed to pursue the things I was genuinely interested in. I realize I am never going to make a bajillion dollars as a cook. That's okay. I'm not going to revolutionize the fashion world with my sewing any time soon. That's okay. I do the things I do for myself, for my own satisfaction. Often, I am surprised at how often people seem to chooose to do otherwise. (I am not speaking of those who cannot, because they are responsible for the well-being of others.) There seem to be people who actively walk away from what they are passionate about for no real reason.
Anyways, back to my point- while college seems like late in life to really learn about failure and how to handle it (although perhaps the lesson came even later as I reflected on those events) at least it had happened. These days, I at the very least *try* my best to take an active role in the things I care about, be they work, hobbies, or friends. There are times when things seem rough, but those are times when I try to rise to the occasion and figure out exactly what has to happen to make things work. Sometimes this involves spreading myself a little thin, but at the end of the day it's worth it. I like being able to look back at something and think, "Yeah! I made that happen! High five!" (Admittedly, sometimes I need a bit of a push to get going...)
At any rate, being so well acquainted with failure has sort of had an effect on me, I think.
You know how some action figures are built to "break"? Not really break, but say- when stress is put on the arm of the figure, the arm pops out of its socket so that you can easily pop it back in, rather than just break in half. The toy makers realized that these toys were going to be put through a lot, and that boys will be boys and will want to know just what happens when you ride over G.I. Joe with your dirt bike. They designed toys that could take a beating, fall apart, but then come together easily again for another day of fun.
I'm starting to think my heart (by which I mean the seat of all my emotions, not just the lovey dovey ones) is built a bit like that. I wouldn't say I'm fragile- because that word brings to mind glass breaking in such a way that it can't be put back together, and you'll always see where the cracks were, no matter how hard you try. But maybe I do come apart a little more easily than others. Things affect me deeply. I internalize a lot of what other people say to me (even sometimes when I'm not meant to). And so yes, maybe it seems to the casual observer that I "break" more often than I should. But at the end of the day, I don't know... I feel like there's a part of me that is sure of who she is, and who she wants to be, and that that is far more difficult to shake. The rest of the bits? Those can just be popped back in to place, and my heart is ready for another day.
Also, it turns into a Dino-Tank.