(no subject)
well. it certainly has been quite some time now. a lot has happened but i feel no need to go into detail. im basically back to square one. kind of.
i am changing and no longer know how to feel about things or what i want. i am trying my best to do what is best for me in whatever situation i find myself in. but god damn. i tell ya. it really does suck sometimes to come home to nothing. i have no one to stay up late with to talk about childhood memories or to tell me im beautiful [and mean it the way i want them to mean it] or to offer a shoulder to cry on when i really need it. i wont hide the fact anymore that deep down i really do want a relationship. but i feel like it's not safe to present that to people. but that it is best to just find a strong friendship with someone for the time being.
it may not be what i *really* want, but maybe just what i need. but even that seems hard to come by now. i don't feel like one person here knows me as a whole. different people see different percentages of me it seems like. some see more of me than others. depending on who it is. but the point is i have yet to feel safe enough around someone to completely open myself up to them.
i guess i thought because i am in a completely new environment filled with *tons* of new people, i would find *someone* who understands me. but i do realize it's not like i've actually met everyone here just yet. and that i still have another 3 and 3/4 yrs to go. but what do i do until i find this person? i mean damn. there are times when i feel *completely* on my own. and i dunno what to do.
like right now. and so many of my friends tell me they're here for me. but sometimes i just feel like they're being polite. or they're too busy to listen. besides not all of them do i feel comfortable with venting to. sometimes they don't understand the way i want them to. although there have been a few who have magically surprised me with their acts of kindness. and i thankyou for that.
but i guess im asking for one person who will *always* be there.
["there there" just started playing. this is henry's favorite song.]
i feel like im asking for a lot. but at the same time it seems so simple. and i know this is a matter of time [god i fuckin HATE time. it's always against me.], but im tired of waiting. and looking. no more looking for me. that has always ended in some sort of disaster.
it seems like all i can do for now is just sit and ponder about all of it until something changes. but will it ever change?
i am changing and no longer know how to feel about things or what i want. i am trying my best to do what is best for me in whatever situation i find myself in. but god damn. i tell ya. it really does suck sometimes to come home to nothing. i have no one to stay up late with to talk about childhood memories or to tell me im beautiful [and mean it the way i want them to mean it] or to offer a shoulder to cry on when i really need it. i wont hide the fact anymore that deep down i really do want a relationship. but i feel like it's not safe to present that to people. but that it is best to just find a strong friendship with someone for the time being.
it may not be what i *really* want, but maybe just what i need. but even that seems hard to come by now. i don't feel like one person here knows me as a whole. different people see different percentages of me it seems like. some see more of me than others. depending on who it is. but the point is i have yet to feel safe enough around someone to completely open myself up to them.
i guess i thought because i am in a completely new environment filled with *tons* of new people, i would find *someone* who understands me. but i do realize it's not like i've actually met everyone here just yet. and that i still have another 3 and 3/4 yrs to go. but what do i do until i find this person? i mean damn. there are times when i feel *completely* on my own. and i dunno what to do.
like right now. and so many of my friends tell me they're here for me. but sometimes i just feel like they're being polite. or they're too busy to listen. besides not all of them do i feel comfortable with venting to. sometimes they don't understand the way i want them to. although there have been a few who have magically surprised me with their acts of kindness. and i thankyou for that.
but i guess im asking for one person who will *always* be there.
["there there" just started playing. this is henry's favorite song.]
i feel like im asking for a lot. but at the same time it seems so simple. and i know this is a matter of time [god i fuckin HATE time. it's always against me.], but im tired of waiting. and looking. no more looking for me. that has always ended in some sort of disaster.
it seems like all i can do for now is just sit and ponder about all of it until something changes. but will it ever change?