Aug 15, 2009 07:29
I question my parenting ability, my assumptions that I have any idea of what I am doing, that I should even be doing it. Little Ezra can push me to the point of homicidal thoughts, to really wanting to inflict bodily harm and it scares me. I remember getting this way with Preston, sometimes. Just being completely frustrated with the insolence, the defiance and the sheer frustration of a little boy who thought he knew it all.
Ezra is 5, he thinks rules don’t apply to him and he has mastered his mother’s stink eye. I have used calm talking, reason, shouting, scaring, removal of privileges, bargaining, threatening, terror, grabbing and even spanking. Many attempts escalates to me wanting to “Punch him in the face” and that scares me, because he is only going to get bigger and transgressions are going to get bigger as well.
I can say “Ezra, you can’t run away from me because it is unsafe” I can site example of the danger, he can agree, recite the dangers, say he won’t do it and then 30 seconds later take off like we haven’t said a word. I can guide him safely to the car in a parking lot and he will break free of my grip to dance or run thru the parking lot, oblivious to the traffic (vehicle and pedestrian) around him. He has slammed into people doing this and has the nerve to be mad at them for it. When he is caught and scolded he is viciously mad at me. No amount of “Ezra, this is a choice you made, you decided to ignore/break the rule, you need to be mad at yourself not me” makes a difference. He will do his darndest to try to punish us for catching him.
If he gets in trouble over a toy, he hates the toy and works to destroy it. If he gets in trouble over an action he will pick and pull at clothing while being scolded, often tearing holes in shirts and pants, twisting whatever he can get his hands on into a mess. He will avoid eye contact, not listen to reason, storm around, cry, etc. Most days, I get it; some days though….
Yesterday I was exhausted, I even tried to explain that to him. My patience level was non-existent (well, that isn’t completely true because the child made it through the day alive) and he was “Working my last nerve” I had to restrain myself several times. I think I get particularly angry when safety is at stake, around the car and the baby. He hates the rule that he has to hold a hand in parking lots and is defiant around it all the time. Yesterday, in typical form, he refused to hold my hand, he held the shopping cart instead, then, when I showed him the safe way to the car he broke away in a dazzling triple spin-run and made a wide arc around me to go his own way. I almost lost it, because not only did I have to worry about him but I also had Zaire in the shopping cart and couldn’t leave him to chase Ezra. It was insane, yet something that happens a lot more often than I’d like to admit. Ezra made it to the car safely, but I was pissed because to get there he had “thumbed his nose” at my safe route, and at me. Then, in the car, he had the nerve to be mad at me. He gave me dirty looks, wouldn’t talk to me and ignored me when I told him to get in his seat and put on his seat belt.
I wanted to beat him.
I wanted to smack the shit out of him and show him the same who’s boss.
I wanted to hurt him…
Then I felt so bad because I’m not supposed to have those feelings about a kid. I worried about having the same feelings in 5 years when I am dealing with a 10 year old Ezra AND a 5 year old Zaire.
Thankfully I have enough restraint to NOT act on those feelings, but they are disturbing...