My new golden rule.
I know I haven't updated this thing in forever. But I'm beginning to hate doing it.
Anyways. I'm home, and stressed out so I figured I'd write, hopefully it will relax me and keep me from going insane. My head is pounding and my face is hot. And I can't seem to find a way to relax, I wish I was a balloon so someone could stick a pin in me and let some hot air out. I guess since I haven't updated, I should fill you in on the fact that Starwood and I didn't get along well anymore. So, I'm gone from there, and I'm now @ Stop n Shop. I work in the florist. Which, is the best thing I could do for myself. I mean, this is what I want from life, and having the job experience with them, is solid. and its real, and its life. And it's what I want.
But since I've been working there, I've come home with a headache each day. I cant seem to get rid of this constint pounding/throbbing in my head, and its driving me insane. I seem to have forgotten how stressful this job is, and how I can't get my birthday off. Which sucks. The only other thing I like about this job, is that its with Jay. Which allows me to spend more time with him. I mean, he's such a great guy and he goes out of his way to make me feel good. I won't let myself fall for him, even though he really is a good guy. And I do like him. He knows it. And I like how he even goes out of his way to make me fit in at work. He's such a sweetheart and I almost hate him for it.
But yeah, anyways. This stop n shop is right next to Papa Ginos. I mean, I just can't get away from there. And the shitty part is, is I go there all the time on breaks now. I mean, granted I go so Jay can't find me, but still, I can't just like, stay away from there. And I blame that on Joe. And I just don't want to get into the habit of him again. Thats going to be miserable for me. And I don't want it again. I just dont.
I let him into almost two years of my life, and caused me nothing but weakness. I refuse to let that happen to me again.
Anyways, Valentines day is coming up soon. Which means, I'll be 19 years old. Which, I thought would consist of Me, Megyn and a group of friends heading up to NYC, but ha...why would life let that be okay for Jill. Of course not, things start going okay, and then Jill goes and works at a florist. I hate being a florist with my birthday. Because this means, I get to work on my birthday. The most stressful day of the year for a florist and I get to work. You would think I'd be up in NYC, living it up. But no, never. Now Jill gets to work, because I cant call out. Its like an unwritten law of a florist, you just don't. Wait until I get my own shop, Valentines day will be the one day I refuse to go in. But, yeah. I've been looking forward to going to NYC so I can see Hasan.
Hasan is such a great person. I mean, I think he's so great. He honestly is. When I get to talk to him, he makes me feel...I dont know..like I'm in a whole other world. And I like that. I mean, he is so sweet and he knows what I want from my life. And hell, he's somebody I could see myself falling for. But the down fall on that...he's in NYC. And guess what. I'm not. I got to talk to him for like 15 mins today. He called me and he just..-sighs- made me forget all my thoughts. He was getting ready to go, and said he'd call me when he got home, so it looks like I'll be waiting for that.
On another note. Ever since new years. My life has fallen apart and yet, its slowly puting itself back together. I lost one of my bestfriends on New Years. Linsey. Her & I have spent everyday in the past two years together. You couldnt one of us without the other. I swear I'd be with her forever. But she fucked up and she lost me because of it. And I know if I get to into details, I'll cry. Because it still hurts. And I still look at myself wondering if shes going to call me. I mean, I always find myself wondering what shes doing. Who shes with. If she misses me. But as much as I hate to say it. I miss her like crazy and I cant stop thinking about her. And I hate it. I hate her for what she did to me, and I hate myself for missing her. I mean, I still know I made a good choice. But fuck, she was my other half. And now shes gone. I've never felt so alone. And I hate it. I hate the whole fucking thing. And i fucking miss her and I swear. I just want to pick up the phone and call her. I just wanna work things out. Maybe shes changed. Who knows. Maybe she misses me like I miss her. I hate myself for hating her.
But, I'm going to stop right there on her because I know I'll just start to cry again. And I mean, I dont think there has been a night since the fight where I haven't cried myself to sleep and it sucks. For the first time in a long time, I feel so alone and that I can't control again. I just dont care anymore.
Anyways. I'm home, and stressed out so I figured I'd write, hopefully it will relax me and keep me from going insane. My head is pounding and my face is hot. And I can't seem to find a way to relax, I wish I was a balloon so someone could stick a pin in me and let some hot air out. I guess since I haven't updated, I should fill you in on the fact that Starwood and I didn't get along well anymore. So, I'm gone from there, and I'm now @ Stop n Shop. I work in the florist. Which, is the best thing I could do for myself. I mean, this is what I want from life, and having the job experience with them, is solid. and its real, and its life. And it's what I want.
But since I've been working there, I've come home with a headache each day. I cant seem to get rid of this constint pounding/throbbing in my head, and its driving me insane. I seem to have forgotten how stressful this job is, and how I can't get my birthday off. Which sucks. The only other thing I like about this job, is that its with Jay. Which allows me to spend more time with him. I mean, he's such a great guy and he goes out of his way to make me feel good. I won't let myself fall for him, even though he really is a good guy. And I do like him. He knows it. And I like how he even goes out of his way to make me fit in at work. He's such a sweetheart and I almost hate him for it.
But yeah, anyways. This stop n shop is right next to Papa Ginos. I mean, I just can't get away from there. And the shitty part is, is I go there all the time on breaks now. I mean, granted I go so Jay can't find me, but still, I can't just like, stay away from there. And I blame that on Joe. And I just don't want to get into the habit of him again. Thats going to be miserable for me. And I don't want it again. I just dont.
I let him into almost two years of my life, and caused me nothing but weakness. I refuse to let that happen to me again.
Anyways, Valentines day is coming up soon. Which means, I'll be 19 years old. Which, I thought would consist of Me, Megyn and a group of friends heading up to NYC, but ha...why would life let that be okay for Jill. Of course not, things start going okay, and then Jill goes and works at a florist. I hate being a florist with my birthday. Because this means, I get to work on my birthday. The most stressful day of the year for a florist and I get to work. You would think I'd be up in NYC, living it up. But no, never. Now Jill gets to work, because I cant call out. Its like an unwritten law of a florist, you just don't. Wait until I get my own shop, Valentines day will be the one day I refuse to go in. But, yeah. I've been looking forward to going to NYC so I can see Hasan.
Hasan is such a great person. I mean, I think he's so great. He honestly is. When I get to talk to him, he makes me feel...I dont know..like I'm in a whole other world. And I like that. I mean, he is so sweet and he knows what I want from my life. And hell, he's somebody I could see myself falling for. But the down fall on that...he's in NYC. And guess what. I'm not. I got to talk to him for like 15 mins today. He called me and he just..-sighs- made me forget all my thoughts. He was getting ready to go, and said he'd call me when he got home, so it looks like I'll be waiting for that.
On another note. Ever since new years. My life has fallen apart and yet, its slowly puting itself back together. I lost one of my bestfriends on New Years. Linsey. Her & I have spent everyday in the past two years together. You couldnt one of us without the other. I swear I'd be with her forever. But she fucked up and she lost me because of it. And I know if I get to into details, I'll cry. Because it still hurts. And I still look at myself wondering if shes going to call me. I mean, I always find myself wondering what shes doing. Who shes with. If she misses me. But as much as I hate to say it. I miss her like crazy and I cant stop thinking about her. And I hate it. I hate her for what she did to me, and I hate myself for missing her. I mean, I still know I made a good choice. But fuck, she was my other half. And now shes gone. I've never felt so alone. And I hate it. I hate the whole fucking thing. And i fucking miss her and I swear. I just want to pick up the phone and call her. I just wanna work things out. Maybe shes changed. Who knows. Maybe she misses me like I miss her. I hate myself for hating her.
But, I'm going to stop right there on her because I know I'll just start to cry again. And I mean, I dont think there has been a night since the fight where I haven't cried myself to sleep and it sucks. For the first time in a long time, I feel so alone and that I can't control again. I just dont care anymore.