whatcha gonna do when shit hits the fan?
i know i already updated today. but ive got so many things on my mind right now. my mind is spinning, and im getting dizzy from thinking. i never thought that was possible, but ya know what. i could just pass out cold right now. and ya wanna know something funny. doubt anybody would care. because i mean, i thought life was going good for me. but everything is being ripped away. everything ive known for years is being taken away. torn apart. i've never been the strong one in our family. i mean, out of me & megyn that is. i've always been the one to run away and look to other options to get up. but now, meg's slipped before i have. and how can i keep her up if i can't even keep myself stable. shes the reason why im trying to be so strong. but i mean, seeing her cry today, was so hard for me. i mean, i walked out of my house with linsey and it just felt so good to leave all the problems of the past few days behind. im not running, im just not approaching it. i dont know what to do. i mean, i've been debating whether or not to leave for good. sometimes, i just wanna pack my things and move, nobody would know where i was. i mean, i've got MANY options of where i could go. but i cant do that. i mean, i don't know. I can't believe i have to make the choice i have to make. i mean, my mom's been my faith for so long, and my dad's always done everything for me. either i go with him to take care of him and feel like i betrayed her. or i go with her and make him feel like i dont love him. i dont know. i just wish i hadn't spent my money. i wish i had money on my cards and accounts b/c i would be gone. FL here i come. or you know what. fuck florida. i'd go to NJ, NY, where-ever. anyplace but here. i've been debating whether or not to leave fall river for a while now. i mean, if my parents do leave each other. what do i have up here? i mean, i know meg would leave with me. i would have to leave sam behind b/c im not going to rip him away from something he's "happy" with it. ya know? i dont know what to do anymore. i mean, i could just walk away from this situation and leave everything behind me. but i won't do that. i mean, i need meg, i cant leave her behind. i mean, sure she's been a real bitch lately, but i think she's gonna start relaxin around me alittle bit. i mean, if she needs me as much as she says she does. she's gonna stop shoving me away, like she has been doing. -sigh- its 11:17 pm, and im the only one home, i'm the only one awake. i've got nobody to call and talk to. i mean, ashley's just not talking to me, linseys at her dads, cant call her there. and i've emailed heather already. and -sigh- eric left me. so i mean, i'm here dealing with reality. blaring eminem & DMX, its the only way to let my anger out in "healthy" way. -sigh- i dont know what to do. i mean, maybe if meg goes with dad, she can keep him safe , protected & healthy. dad can't take care of himself. i mean, my dad CRIED infront of me this morning. she is breaking his heart and he doesnt even know why. he doesnt understand whats going on. he doesnt want to leave...he;s not really worried about me & meg b/c he knows we can handle ourselves. he's afraid for sam. he doesnt want sam to have to pick up his life and leave. to be ripped away from his school,, his friend. his FAMILY-, everything. he just doesnt understand whats going. i mean, i haven't seen sam in a loooong time. i think im gonna take sam aside sometime this weekend, take him to a movie or something and just talk to him. and make sure he knows i love him and whatever decision he makes, that i'm behind him and i love him. god, im so fucking confused. i just dont know what to do. i mean, i know megs going with dad no matter what. im just stuck. i fucking hate my life. i really do. just when i thought things were going good, something or someone fucks up and i get shit on AGAIN. ugh, im so fucking done with life i hope it fucking rots in hell. honestly. i mean, if it weren't for hanson, i dont know what the fuck i would do. i just dont understand why the shittest things happen to me & meg, and god, i know i sound wicked selfish, buts it so fucking hard trying to be so strong, when all u wanna do, is run to a fucking hole and cry. i mean, god. i dont know what to do. and god, i really miss joe 2. i do, i mean, i'm sitting here and i just wanna call him and tell him i need him more then ever. i mean, he's always been here for me. and i need him now., and to have him not here. is just making this so hard for me. i just want him to wrap his arms around me. and tell me everythings gonna be okay. i wanna be able to cry and have him kiss my forehead like he used to. i just want it back. i need him. i need life. i just..i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel so afraid and useless. i just wanna cry. i mean, my eyes are burning now b/c i'm balling my eyes out and my mascara is burning the shit out of my fucking eyes. but UGH. i'm so fucking pissed off and scared. UGH! I FUCKING HATE THIS. just take it all way please. make it go away. i can't handle it. anymore. and i'm trying so hard to think about the smart thing to do. i'm trying so hard to be strong. i'm trying.