(no subject)
dude, half the time i wonder why i bother to update this thing. its not like anybody takes the time to read it.
--\ i'm changing. i'm like, growing in a way i dont understand. i'm afraid, i feel alone, i just dont know what to do. what to say. i feel stuck. its not like im sad or like, depressed. i just feel so .....confused. i feel better then that i am. who i've been. Does that make any sense? I feel like, if i dont get out, and get away now. I'm never going to leave this city. this fucking city, that i hate so much, i hated it when we left Jersey to come here, i hated it since i've been here. i just hate everything about it.
--/ I mean, sure, its led me to some friends that i love to death. but some of them, are so fucking stupid right now. i mean, yeah, denise, fucked me over b/c she felt like getting laid. but i'm not even getting it, b/c its just a waste of my breathe to get myself upset over it again. i know it was with joe and i should be so pissed about it. but i dont know what to feel, so ifeel numb. i've lost her, but it was her fault. i dont know whether to forgive her...but i mean, how am i supposed to trust someone who would do that ya know? And linsey, she says one thing then does another. I mean, tonight she was supposed to have a girls night with me and her. and nooooooooo, she decides she wants to be with danny instead. fuck that. Honestly, what the fuck is that? Whatever..Then there's heather. i have nothing bad to say about her, b/c apparently shes the only one in the world on my side right now b/s deon.
--\Then there's deon. who i like, and he likes me. why can't people let me see him and let me be happy with him. or atleast give me the chance to be. There is something about him. i feel so comfortable with him. When i talk to him, i hang up happy. I leave happy. I just..i dont know. But, yeah, he came by lastnight. Well, we met down at the park. It was me, him, shawn- Mike- & Chris. I mean, at first i was afraid he would like, not show up, or drive by and not chill. i was so nervous, but when 3 hot guys and one chris - who i just didnt think was attractive. but he's wicked nice- got out of the car. i thought my odds were pretty good. b/c i knew Shawn would be driving and mike would be in the front seat. and all that was left was deon and chris. so i mean, when deon got out, mike shoved him and goes "go get your girl" and im just talking to shawn b/c shawns just easy to talk to. and he goes "thats deon" and points at this kid, whos like wicked cute. and i just smiled. what was i gonna do. pounce on him.?? i think not. so yeah, we were just talking and ive got my hands behind my back and he reaches around and grabs my hand and he just looked at me. and i just felt so comfortable with him. but yeah, he wasnt all over me and that made me feel like he wasnt happy with what he got. ya know? like the girl behind the voice wasnt good enuff. but when shawn said they had to leave. he looks at me and wraps me in a hug and kisses my cheek and he goes "call me and let me know u got home safe okay?" . I mean, that comment just made everything seem so...right. But yeah, i got home and we were talking and i was getting really tired. so he let me go so i could sleep. but he called me this morning when he woke up. i mean, i like that. i like that fact that i go to bed thinking of one person and waking up thinking of the same one. and the better then about it, is knowing he feels the same way. but yeah, so we had talked about seeing each other today. and he was kinda mad that he couldnt see me today. i mean, i didnt think Deon and i would ever be anything. but now i have a different feeling. i mean, could this be someone that i can have. to myself. nobody else's but mine. but am i that lucky? I'm supposed to call him in like 15 mins, but im gonna make him wait ...or make him call me. but yeah, for some reason. i really want him to meet my mom. I can picture him and me, just chillin at home watching movies. i feel like im happy. i mean, its been what..years since my last "boyfriend" and that didnt count b/c it was highschool shit. i mean, this is different, this is real.
--\ On too another subject. Work- i feel like if i dont leave papa gino's now. i'll never be something. i'll end up being a manager of one and never be the way i want to be. I'll never have that penthouse apartment in Boston or NYC. I'll never have the BMW i want. i'll never have anything..ya know? does that make sense. I know if i leave it'll be like losing a part of me, but i mean, life begins after you take a chance ya know? I just feel like i need more. And i seriously think im just going to leave to get away from the safe thing. i mean, if im always doing the safe thing, what kind of life will that be? BORING. and besides i hate going into work now. B/c this whole me & tanya thing is stupid. then there is the whole denise & joe, and >:o i just dont feel like dealing with petty bullshit anymore ya know? Its like, " dude, i graduated high school. i've grown up. maybe you should too"..and i feel like saying that to everyone at work. but i mean, they are all young people anyways. i need more then what i'm being given. I'm just so lost and confused.
--/ Alright, i think i'm done now..yeah...i'm gonna kill sometime until meg gets home so i can watch 7th heaven & everwood with her. i would watch it now, but i saw the first 15 mins of 7th heaven and it just made me sad. And i know i'm going to cry, so i'd rather cry with her then by myself! :-(
.J.illyo
--\ i'm changing. i'm like, growing in a way i dont understand. i'm afraid, i feel alone, i just dont know what to do. what to say. i feel stuck. its not like im sad or like, depressed. i just feel so .....confused. i feel better then that i am. who i've been. Does that make any sense? I feel like, if i dont get out, and get away now. I'm never going to leave this city. this fucking city, that i hate so much, i hated it when we left Jersey to come here, i hated it since i've been here. i just hate everything about it.
--/ I mean, sure, its led me to some friends that i love to death. but some of them, are so fucking stupid right now. i mean, yeah, denise, fucked me over b/c she felt like getting laid. but i'm not even getting it, b/c its just a waste of my breathe to get myself upset over it again. i know it was with joe and i should be so pissed about it. but i dont know what to feel, so ifeel numb. i've lost her, but it was her fault. i dont know whether to forgive her...but i mean, how am i supposed to trust someone who would do that ya know? And linsey, she says one thing then does another. I mean, tonight she was supposed to have a girls night with me and her. and nooooooooo, she decides she wants to be with danny instead. fuck that. Honestly, what the fuck is that? Whatever..Then there's heather. i have nothing bad to say about her, b/c apparently shes the only one in the world on my side right now b/s deon.
--\Then there's deon. who i like, and he likes me. why can't people let me see him and let me be happy with him. or atleast give me the chance to be. There is something about him. i feel so comfortable with him. When i talk to him, i hang up happy. I leave happy. I just..i dont know. But, yeah, he came by lastnight. Well, we met down at the park. It was me, him, shawn- Mike- & Chris. I mean, at first i was afraid he would like, not show up, or drive by and not chill. i was so nervous, but when 3 hot guys and one chris - who i just didnt think was attractive. but he's wicked nice- got out of the car. i thought my odds were pretty good. b/c i knew Shawn would be driving and mike would be in the front seat. and all that was left was deon and chris. so i mean, when deon got out, mike shoved him and goes "go get your girl" and im just talking to shawn b/c shawns just easy to talk to. and he goes "thats deon" and points at this kid, whos like wicked cute. and i just smiled. what was i gonna do. pounce on him.?? i think not. so yeah, we were just talking and ive got my hands behind my back and he reaches around and grabs my hand and he just looked at me. and i just felt so comfortable with him. but yeah, he wasnt all over me and that made me feel like he wasnt happy with what he got. ya know? like the girl behind the voice wasnt good enuff. but when shawn said they had to leave. he looks at me and wraps me in a hug and kisses my cheek and he goes "call me and let me know u got home safe okay?" . I mean, that comment just made everything seem so...right. But yeah, i got home and we were talking and i was getting really tired. so he let me go so i could sleep. but he called me this morning when he woke up. i mean, i like that. i like that fact that i go to bed thinking of one person and waking up thinking of the same one. and the better then about it, is knowing he feels the same way. but yeah, so we had talked about seeing each other today. and he was kinda mad that he couldnt see me today. i mean, i didnt think Deon and i would ever be anything. but now i have a different feeling. i mean, could this be someone that i can have. to myself. nobody else's but mine. but am i that lucky? I'm supposed to call him in like 15 mins, but im gonna make him wait ...or make him call me. but yeah, for some reason. i really want him to meet my mom. I can picture him and me, just chillin at home watching movies. i feel like im happy. i mean, its been what..years since my last "boyfriend" and that didnt count b/c it was highschool shit. i mean, this is different, this is real.
--\ On too another subject. Work- i feel like if i dont leave papa gino's now. i'll never be something. i'll end up being a manager of one and never be the way i want to be. I'll never have that penthouse apartment in Boston or NYC. I'll never have the BMW i want. i'll never have anything..ya know? does that make sense. I know if i leave it'll be like losing a part of me, but i mean, life begins after you take a chance ya know? I just feel like i need more. And i seriously think im just going to leave to get away from the safe thing. i mean, if im always doing the safe thing, what kind of life will that be? BORING. and besides i hate going into work now. B/c this whole me & tanya thing is stupid. then there is the whole denise & joe, and >:o i just dont feel like dealing with petty bullshit anymore ya know? Its like, " dude, i graduated high school. i've grown up. maybe you should too"..and i feel like saying that to everyone at work. but i mean, they are all young people anyways. i need more then what i'm being given. I'm just so lost and confused.
--/ Alright, i think i'm done now..yeah...i'm gonna kill sometime until meg gets home so i can watch 7th heaven & everwood with her. i would watch it now, but i saw the first 15 mins of 7th heaven and it just made me sad. And i know i'm going to cry, so i'd rather cry with her then by myself! :-(
.J.illyo