(no subject)

[thelittledo]

I no longer writhe in shame
at the end of the night.
I am instead only somewhat disappointed,
aware of and somewhat at ease with
my alcoholism and completely detached
from just about everything.
that may not sound optimistic,
but it certainly trumps being an
alcoholic, pot addicted dancer
in the window of a sex shop
on weekend afternoons.
now I'm a charming and
efficient little thing, polite
considerate and always cheerful.
when not working I am quiet.
I buy dinner and get drunk, speak
only briefly with all the usual faces, mostly men.
they understand I'm not inclined to talk,
treat me well and have nicknamed me
the godfather. the staff take care of me,
like me and in a way fill the gap
cause by working alone constantly.
none of it is very real to me,
I am consistently performative if I
am not alone, I adapt too much and
forget the letters scrawled across my chest.
but I am hardened and strong,
proud to be hope or patience or
pleasant fucking conversation with
your pint of beer no matter how
creepy or strange you are.
I don't think I sleep enough
and I believe if I drank less
I would be happier. though sitting and
not speaking with a bottle of beer
and james brown on the jukebox
is what currently makes me happiest.