(no subject)
sitting in the studio, baking under the lights, listening to the soft rain falling outside and the hum of the fan.
i wish i was in bed. i always seem to want to be in bed lately. that or out walking. alone. quiet. space. air. no people.
why am i doing this? i've been battling negative thoughts, or really just succumbing to them, since 5pm yesterday. all because i'm painting.
why am i even bothering to paint? this is sheer torture. the mental tapes being played right now are outrageous. i can't paint i can't paint i can't paint. why am i doing this? why do i take time and energy out of my life trying? why do i take a chunk of my paycheck to pay studio rent and buy paint? why, when it gives me no joy?
i haven't enjoyed painting or creating since i was a kid.
i've given up on this being a career (sort of) since i'm a total recluse/hermit and absolutely fucking hate the art world and never ever want to go to an opening or gallery again.
so what do i want to do with my life?
i don't know. not this. painting was the force that gave my life meaning, gave me what i thought was significance. to leave it behind, to get rid of the studio, to sell all my painting supplies, to turn my back on this, what will that leave me with? who and what will i be? (although i can barely call myself a painter now as it is, since i barely paint).
is this just a phase? a 12 year phase?
so what do i want to do with my life?
i want to get healthy, be happy. be free. be comfortable with uncertainty, be rootless, travel, see things, experience life, live life, throw away responsibilities and plans and dreams.
let's rephrase that. i'm in no condition to determine what i want to do with the rest of my LIFE right now. what do i want to do with the near future?
stop painting
get rid of studio, painting supplies
quit jobs / find other jobs
move to the country (virginia, vermont, somewhere)
live peacefully, quietly
run, do yoga
cook my own food
meditate
read
write
breathe
sleep
smile
take walks
take naps with my cat
live slowly
embrace now, not if when what how why where then someday
is this just a phase? how long until i know?
i wish i was in bed. i always seem to want to be in bed lately. that or out walking. alone. quiet. space. air. no people.
why am i doing this? i've been battling negative thoughts, or really just succumbing to them, since 5pm yesterday. all because i'm painting.
why am i even bothering to paint? this is sheer torture. the mental tapes being played right now are outrageous. i can't paint i can't paint i can't paint. why am i doing this? why do i take time and energy out of my life trying? why do i take a chunk of my paycheck to pay studio rent and buy paint? why, when it gives me no joy?
i haven't enjoyed painting or creating since i was a kid.
i've given up on this being a career (sort of) since i'm a total recluse/hermit and absolutely fucking hate the art world and never ever want to go to an opening or gallery again.
so what do i want to do with my life?
i don't know. not this. painting was the force that gave my life meaning, gave me what i thought was significance. to leave it behind, to get rid of the studio, to sell all my painting supplies, to turn my back on this, what will that leave me with? who and what will i be? (although i can barely call myself a painter now as it is, since i barely paint).
is this just a phase? a 12 year phase?
so what do i want to do with my life?
i want to get healthy, be happy. be free. be comfortable with uncertainty, be rootless, travel, see things, experience life, live life, throw away responsibilities and plans and dreams.
let's rephrase that. i'm in no condition to determine what i want to do with the rest of my LIFE right now. what do i want to do with the near future?
stop painting
get rid of studio, painting supplies
quit jobs / find other jobs
move to the country (virginia, vermont, somewhere)
live peacefully, quietly
run, do yoga
cook my own food
meditate
read
write
breathe
sleep
smile
take walks
take naps with my cat
live slowly
embrace now, not if when what how why where then someday
is this just a phase? how long until i know?