Realizations that the last month may not have been crap
I've always thought that i knew what Beaver was talking about when he talked about landscaping and how your brain just runs. I figured it b/c to be honest i didn't know until today. I've realized that i sleep the day away so that i don't have to think. So that i am not alone. I don't like being alone with my thoughts. Maybe that is why i keep myself so busy. it is easier that way. when i am left alone with my thoughts i doubt a lot of things tht i prolly shouldn't. i smoke way too many cigs and i become lazy. a lot of the things that i have been learning in the past month have come from random places and i am enjoying thatr part of life...not going to deny that, but still. i am nit sure what it all is. ppl say that the summer is the time to reflect on the past year t school anbd to come into your own maybe that ishy ppl are so different when you return to school in t he fall. this is the first summer that i have gotten the time to sit and reflect. i don't like reflection. i come to conclusions hat at any other time i would rather not come to. Why? B/c sometimes being ignorant is a lot easier than thinking. I am nervous about going up to see nate. I guess it is b/c i am afraid things are going to be way too different. I don't want them to be. I am longing to just hug him again. I think this is also why ppl say that long distance relationships are hard. And yet i always thought i'd be able to handle it. Not saying that i am not handleing it well but i always get this feeling before i see him after a length of time. I got like this over spring break and after winter break so it isn't much different. Now i have a feeling that everything will be okay but i don't like who i've become in the last month. I am lazy, i have nothing to show for the last month except the failure to quit smoking, a new love icecream and about 5 unwanted pounds of weight. Actually, maybe i do have something to show for the last month a new realizaation that i am growing up and a longing to not lose those that are close to me. So that is it in this contemplative state in which i find myself.