A dumb blond speaks up
You know, sitting around for 3 hours while a hippie pot-smoking lady named by a guru paints peroxide on your hair really gives you a chance to think.
Reflection they tell us is a good thing, so I just batched tasks together by changing my hair and thinking at the same time. I’d like to think I’m the rocket chef… look at all the amazing things I can do! I can chop onions… or make ice cream! I can be in a happy relationship one minute… and kicked to the curb the next! You kids think that rocket chef is all fun and games, but I am here to tell you it is most certainly not!
So maybe “kicked to the curb” was an exaggeration. He didn’t even technically want a break-up… just a “break” as they call it. Well in reality, my emotions got the better of me (and when don’t they! damn Aries-ness) and it now it is a break-up. How many times is this going to happen before I get the hang of this? Maybe that’s the point of love and life… it never will be perfect and easy, that would just make both pointless.
But I can’t shake the feeling it could have been better.
WE could have been better.
YOU could have been better.
I could have been better.
I always said we got together too soon, and I think we even settled into that too fast. We were stuck in a rat race so long of not being together, that once it happened… we both leaped off the cliff together and never thought to look at the bottom or realize we could have just slowly walked together down another side of the hill. Instead, we lost ourselves in a world of becoming “us,” I wasn’t me, I was your boyfriend… you weren’t you because you were mine.
I guess you could say I was selfish. I didn’t even stop to think that this was your first time. I didn’t even stop to think how big this would be for both of us… or at least for me. For so long I have been waiting for you Robert. It’s like that goddamn boy band song: “I knew I loved you before I met you.” So much of what you are is what I have been waiting for, and I ignored the fact that maybe the parts that weren’t right just weren’t right. I was blind to the fact that you weren’t ready for what I was offering. Someone took a thick cloud of smoke and stopped me from seeing that this wasn’t for you. I was trying to turn a man barely out in the maze of love into someone whom I could keep forever in my heart.
You need to be free. You deserve to be free. It never was, and shouldn’t have been my place to keep you locked away. I should have given you your space to grow so that WE could grow. You were right. We never did grow.
I was too scared to let us grow.
It’s hard for me to write this; maybe it’s hard for you to read this… but I guess the point of all this is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry it had to be like this.
You know how I always asked you to make wishes on eyelashes? Well maybe it’s because I always hoped you would wish what I always wish. And damn the superstition to hell because I’ll tell you that the thing I wish for the most on this earth is to be in love. I know you weren’t in love with me. Yet perhaps somewhere inside, past the silky dark hair and blue eyes is the desire to love. I’d like to think you wanted to love me.
I’d like to think you wanted us to grow old together. I’d like to think you would have been happy to end your search for mister right with me. But I think the secret that nobody ever tells us is that you can’t find love without finding sorrow. What if love isn’t an overwhelming desire for one person and only for one person? What if instead it was realizing that this world is full of so much lies and hate that love only happens when you find that person you can fight those things with together? After all, happily ever after isn’t a potion in a bottle is it?
For now, our happily ever after is gone. Yet against even my strongest feelings that tell me it’s over, I still hold onto a glimmer of hope. Maybe not now, maybe not soon… maybe not in years and years and years… maybe not in this lifetime or even the next… but someday, I know the blue-eyed boy I have laughed with, smiled at, and held onto will see that he already has all he needs in this world…
…I was just sitting here getting my hair done the whole time.
To all the rest,
-Darius
Reflection they tell us is a good thing, so I just batched tasks together by changing my hair and thinking at the same time. I’d like to think I’m the rocket chef… look at all the amazing things I can do! I can chop onions… or make ice cream! I can be in a happy relationship one minute… and kicked to the curb the next! You kids think that rocket chef is all fun and games, but I am here to tell you it is most certainly not!
So maybe “kicked to the curb” was an exaggeration. He didn’t even technically want a break-up… just a “break” as they call it. Well in reality, my emotions got the better of me (and when don’t they! damn Aries-ness) and it now it is a break-up. How many times is this going to happen before I get the hang of this? Maybe that’s the point of love and life… it never will be perfect and easy, that would just make both pointless.
But I can’t shake the feeling it could have been better.
WE could have been better.
YOU could have been better.
I could have been better.
I always said we got together too soon, and I think we even settled into that too fast. We were stuck in a rat race so long of not being together, that once it happened… we both leaped off the cliff together and never thought to look at the bottom or realize we could have just slowly walked together down another side of the hill. Instead, we lost ourselves in a world of becoming “us,” I wasn’t me, I was your boyfriend… you weren’t you because you were mine.
I guess you could say I was selfish. I didn’t even stop to think that this was your first time. I didn’t even stop to think how big this would be for both of us… or at least for me. For so long I have been waiting for you Robert. It’s like that goddamn boy band song: “I knew I loved you before I met you.” So much of what you are is what I have been waiting for, and I ignored the fact that maybe the parts that weren’t right just weren’t right. I was blind to the fact that you weren’t ready for what I was offering. Someone took a thick cloud of smoke and stopped me from seeing that this wasn’t for you. I was trying to turn a man barely out in the maze of love into someone whom I could keep forever in my heart.
You need to be free. You deserve to be free. It never was, and shouldn’t have been my place to keep you locked away. I should have given you your space to grow so that WE could grow. You were right. We never did grow.
I was too scared to let us grow.
It’s hard for me to write this; maybe it’s hard for you to read this… but I guess the point of all this is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry it had to be like this.
You know how I always asked you to make wishes on eyelashes? Well maybe it’s because I always hoped you would wish what I always wish. And damn the superstition to hell because I’ll tell you that the thing I wish for the most on this earth is to be in love. I know you weren’t in love with me. Yet perhaps somewhere inside, past the silky dark hair and blue eyes is the desire to love. I’d like to think you wanted to love me.
I’d like to think you wanted us to grow old together. I’d like to think you would have been happy to end your search for mister right with me. But I think the secret that nobody ever tells us is that you can’t find love without finding sorrow. What if love isn’t an overwhelming desire for one person and only for one person? What if instead it was realizing that this world is full of so much lies and hate that love only happens when you find that person you can fight those things with together? After all, happily ever after isn’t a potion in a bottle is it?
For now, our happily ever after is gone. Yet against even my strongest feelings that tell me it’s over, I still hold onto a glimmer of hope. Maybe not now, maybe not soon… maybe not in years and years and years… maybe not in this lifetime or even the next… but someday, I know the blue-eyed boy I have laughed with, smiled at, and held onto will see that he already has all he needs in this world…
…I was just sitting here getting my hair done the whole time.
To all the rest,
-Darius