Why?
Well, right now Jon is either pretending to be asleep or asleep now. I'm pretty sure he's asleep. All night he's been trying to find a way to make me drink...Well, now he's asleep and i've started to drink...Not because he's asleep but because i'm in a VERY wierd state of mind. Everything was great today...First I woke up to plans canceled for tonight of me and him going to my dads. That upset me a lot but what else is new. Then Ron said they weren't working tomorrow so we went to my dads. We bought a fifth of jack and slowly started to kick it back. Then made the mistake of trying to have sex...I don't know what I did wrong...And I don't know if it was me...But he didn't finish. That makes me upset. but on top of that...I think he tried to do something he KNOW'S I do NOT want him do. Repeatedly. Which pisses me off...So those are the reasons i'm drinking...But i'm going to stop now. because I know he wouldn't like it. So I don't know if I should sleep in bed with him...or go on the couch downstairs...I've waited all week to sleep with him and wake up with him. To just be with him. And now this.
IF he was trying to do that...WHY?!?! He knows I don't want him too...Why would he??? If he asked me not to do something to HIS body I wouldn't. I wouldn't even try. I never really thought he would. I never thought he'd go against what I directly asked him not to do to me. Why? He was pushing, and moving, and i couldn't control my legs...so I couldn't even fight it after a while...And if it wasn't that...then why couldn't he finish?...What did I do wrong? Am I really just that bad? That horrible? I hate this feeling right now...I feel more upset than pissed off...but I am.
Jon,
I'm sorry for tonight...For just walking out of the room...
But if you tried what I think you tried......You already know how I feel.
...Well, i'm done...I need sleep...
IF he was trying to do that...WHY?!?! He knows I don't want him too...Why would he??? If he asked me not to do something to HIS body I wouldn't. I wouldn't even try. I never really thought he would. I never thought he'd go against what I directly asked him not to do to me. Why? He was pushing, and moving, and i couldn't control my legs...so I couldn't even fight it after a while...And if it wasn't that...then why couldn't he finish?...What did I do wrong? Am I really just that bad? That horrible? I hate this feeling right now...I feel more upset than pissed off...but I am.
Jon,
I'm sorry for tonight...For just walking out of the room...
But if you tried what I think you tried......You already know how I feel.
...Well, i'm done...I need sleep...