I came to the door, eyes maladjusted from the light
Every time I want to make an entry, it ends up being about the same thing. And I'm sick of it. Of how my entire existence is occupied by just one thing, because until it's solved, nothing else matters. I'm so tired of having nothing else but one big problem standing between me and the rest of my hypothetical life that could have happened, but probably never will. I want to dream, I want to make plans, I want to have a future, I want to watch the same commercials as my friends, I want to care about economy without thinking how little impact it really has on me, I want to listen to my friends' problems without thinking "I'd trade with you any second", I want Christmas to suck just a little bit less, I want to be able to listen to this song without wanting to blow my brains out into the ceiling.
Everything that's happening in my life is insignificant. And I watch things fall apart around me, and it doesn't matter. None of this matters. I'm nowhere. This isn't life. And my real life has lost all momentum and seems unreal. No one remembers me, everyone moved on. None of the clothes I left behind smell like me anymore. I'm a ghost. A projection of an erased original. A copy of nothing. I laugh, I joke, I watch TV shows, I draw, I write shitty music and mediocre poetry, I maybe even make a momentary impact on someone's life, but in the long run, nothing I do matters to me. And they say a lot of people live like this, but they're fine with it, a lot of people live here, but they're meant to. And I'm not. Go ahead and tell me there are people who have it worse. People that starve, people that live out on the street, people that had half their brain blown off in a supermarket robbery. And I'll say what I always say. Problems are incomparable. It's not about what looks worse, it's about how you feel. People kill themselves over their dog dying, and it might look stupid to some, but it meant enough for them to end their lives because of it. And it really doesn't matter how it looks.
They say God is testing the best of us to make us strong and worthy.
Test failed.
Everything that's happening in my life is insignificant. And I watch things fall apart around me, and it doesn't matter. None of this matters. I'm nowhere. This isn't life. And my real life has lost all momentum and seems unreal. No one remembers me, everyone moved on. None of the clothes I left behind smell like me anymore. I'm a ghost. A projection of an erased original. A copy of nothing. I laugh, I joke, I watch TV shows, I draw, I write shitty music and mediocre poetry, I maybe even make a momentary impact on someone's life, but in the long run, nothing I do matters to me. And they say a lot of people live like this, but they're fine with it, a lot of people live here, but they're meant to. And I'm not. Go ahead and tell me there are people who have it worse. People that starve, people that live out on the street, people that had half their brain blown off in a supermarket robbery. And I'll say what I always say. Problems are incomparable. It's not about what looks worse, it's about how you feel. People kill themselves over their dog dying, and it might look stupid to some, but it meant enough for them to end their lives because of it. And it really doesn't matter how it looks.
They say God is testing the best of us to make us strong and worthy.
Test failed.