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Jul 25, 2007 17:59

I was cruising through my flist (lots to catch up on, since I waited a few days to get Book 7) and ran across a link that elaran put up.

A very snarky page-by-page review of DH. Apparently the dude's banned now, because he released it before the book was available? (He took it down, of course, after Scholastic spanked him for it, then put it back up afterwards, only to get banned. Poor sucker.)

Anyways. It's hilarious. I wish I had read this before the actual book. It would have led to lighthearted laughter and a sense of "I'm not alone in this miserable Book 7 world."



*Page 186: And the mysterious R.A.B. introduced in book six is Sirius's brother Regulus Black. They decided to search his room for his locket. (Ron asks how if they can't summon it. Hermione explains the concept of "searching a room." Ron Weasley: date rapist, hypocrite, and general idiot.)

Poor Ron. Sadly, the descriptions only get more and more accurate as the book goes on.

*Page 309: "MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!" Harry Potter is Batman!

Because, as everyone knows, BATMAN > SUPERMAN

* Page 405: "Chapter Twenty-One: The Tale of the Three Brothers." That would be, I am guessing, Albus Dumbeldore, Aberforth Dumbledore, and their illegitimate brother Stinky Wizzleteats. No, actually it's a wizard fairy tale about three brothers who fuck around with Death, and who in turn get three items, one of which is the Invisibility Cloak (which back in book one was hardly treated as an awesomely singular item, you will recall, but rather just a really awesome sort of wizard thing, like owning a Nintendo Wii or the like).

I was wondering about the Invisibility Cloak, too. All of a sudden, it's this big, badass thing? I thought that it was mentioned in one of the books that there were tons like it? Huh?

*
Page 467: OH FUCK ME IT'S FUCKING DOBBY. Dobby is going to save their asses. God I hate Dobby. I hope he dies in a fire.

Hahahaha, even though I wasn't too happy about Dobby's random death.

* Page 514: Awww, Remus had a baby! (He is toast.)

HE IS STILL SO GAY.

* Page 571: "Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Lost Diadem." And Neville Longbottom finally shows up, with the crap thoroughly and comprehensively kicked out of him. Seems with Harry gone, he's decided that someone has to be the guy who stands up to the forces of evil and injustice, and is getting the shit whaled out of him for doing it. Neville Longbottom is fucking hardcore.

Neville Longbottom: The Next Harry Potter. Hey, she said she wasn't writing anymore HP. Harry Potter. Not Hermione, Ron, Dead Remus and his Real Lover Sirius, Neville...you know it'll happen sooner or later.

* Page 637: Fred Weasley bites it, with "the ghost of his last laugh still etched upon his face." That would have been a lot cooler if he hadn't, you know, died in a meaningless explosion.

Yeah, speaking of another random, pointless death...

* Page 705: "Chapter Thirty-Five: King's Cross." Harry wakes up in a misty forest, he doesn't need glasses, he's naked - surely he must be dead! But Dumbledore is there, and he says Harry isn't dead. (Unlike Harry, Dumbledore gets to wear clothes - I suppose Daniel Radcliffe did his nude scene in Equus for prep purposes.)

I saw him naked. XD

*
Page 663: At long last, all the secrets of Severus Snape revealed. 1.) He was in love with Harry's mother since he was little. 2.) He really hated James Potter (okay, not a secret really). 3.) Aunt Petunia begged to go to Hogwarts along with Lily. 4.) He quit the Death Eaters when he found out that Voldemort was targeting Lily. 5.) Dumbledore was a dead man from the time he tried on the ring and asked Snape to kill him to spare him a suffering end. 6.) Harry's soul is connected to Voldemort's (duh) and as a result Harry is a sort of a Horcrux himself, and while he's alive, Voldemort can't die. 6.) It was Snape who led Harry to Godric's sword, who Confunded Mundungus Fletcher into coming up with the escape plan and who attempted to save George during the seven Potters escape. (Whoa, that was a lot.)

Because Snape is made of AWESOME. If Snape were a real person, I think I'd have to try and have his babies. What is it with messed up men and their overwhelming love for one woman turning them into a BIG DAMN HERO? It's sexy. Meow.

Spirit-lifting. A good snarkfest always cheers me up.

On a different note, I'm gliding back into HP (as is the rest of the world, it seems) and need prompts. It's been a while, so I'm rusty. A word, a texture, a lyric or feeling would be fine. I'm up for QAF, too. All will be drabbles, until I'm ready to write something longer.

drabbles, harry potter

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