bad timing.
i just went through the last two years of my journal, to see if i had anything incriminating in it that would become a problem if certain parties read it that i've taken hesitant steps toward resuming contact with for the first time in years.
it did, but that's fixed now.
also?
i feel sick to my stomach. i really got screwed over, and feel abandoned by some people who were important and that i took for granted. they took me for granted too, maybe. maybe they didn't.
maybe it's all me.
brianna - i'm sorry i didn't realize that you weren't the girl you used to be when i first met you. it was wrong to assume you were, and you should never have pretended to anything you didn't really feel inside. i would have loved you any how, for the friend that you had been when i didn't have many.
sara - i'm sorry that i gave you so much shit about doing your own thing and moving when you really didn't need it. i meant it when i said you have a good deal of potential, you humored me alot and made an effort to make me feel special. thank you for that.
linda - not that you'll ever read this, but i'm sorry for not being the man you deserved, and for not giving you the attention that you gave me. you put up with more of my stupidity and immaturity in the time we lived together than anyone else could ever have handled. i don't blame you for getting fed up and leaving, i just wish you hadn't. i do understand it, though. i was an awful boyfriend, and a mediocre friend. you have more drive and strength in your heart than i ever imagined was possible. i'm glad you got better in spite of me.
and the people whom haven't abandoned me, but i most certainly do not want to take for granted:
katie - i'm sorry i've never been in a position to give you what you deserve. you've always made due with parts, and been there to sweep up the fragments and settled for far less than you're entitled. you were there to suffer my greatest mistakes when i was your boyfriend, and since then you've been a really good friend, if not a demanding one, and i owe you more than i'll ever be able to repay. your love and steering kept me going for the last year, and i'm certain that you will find that kind of loyalty and regard from someone as wonderful as you. (p.s. - you don't need to leave me any psychotic comments in response to this. heh)
anna - you are my best friend. i love you with all my heart. thank you for knowing as much about me as you do and still being able to care for me. you're more forgiving of me than i am, and without you i don't think i'd have the strength to go on. you are the best thing that's happened to me in, and the highlight of, the last couple years of my life. people go their entire lives looking for the sort of support, caring and loyalty that you give so selflessly. thanks, kid.
and to everyone else i've wronged or neglected in my life, the liz's and abbie's, i really am sorry. you all deserve so much better than my insensitive insecurity and confused emotional immaturity. i wish i could go back and do things the right way, or go back and never have done anything at all.
it did, but that's fixed now.
also?
i feel sick to my stomach. i really got screwed over, and feel abandoned by some people who were important and that i took for granted. they took me for granted too, maybe. maybe they didn't.
maybe it's all me.
brianna - i'm sorry i didn't realize that you weren't the girl you used to be when i first met you. it was wrong to assume you were, and you should never have pretended to anything you didn't really feel inside. i would have loved you any how, for the friend that you had been when i didn't have many.
sara - i'm sorry that i gave you so much shit about doing your own thing and moving when you really didn't need it. i meant it when i said you have a good deal of potential, you humored me alot and made an effort to make me feel special. thank you for that.
linda - not that you'll ever read this, but i'm sorry for not being the man you deserved, and for not giving you the attention that you gave me. you put up with more of my stupidity and immaturity in the time we lived together than anyone else could ever have handled. i don't blame you for getting fed up and leaving, i just wish you hadn't. i do understand it, though. i was an awful boyfriend, and a mediocre friend. you have more drive and strength in your heart than i ever imagined was possible. i'm glad you got better in spite of me.
and the people whom haven't abandoned me, but i most certainly do not want to take for granted:
katie - i'm sorry i've never been in a position to give you what you deserve. you've always made due with parts, and been there to sweep up the fragments and settled for far less than you're entitled. you were there to suffer my greatest mistakes when i was your boyfriend, and since then you've been a really good friend, if not a demanding one, and i owe you more than i'll ever be able to repay. your love and steering kept me going for the last year, and i'm certain that you will find that kind of loyalty and regard from someone as wonderful as you. (p.s. - you don't need to leave me any psychotic comments in response to this. heh)
anna - you are my best friend. i love you with all my heart. thank you for knowing as much about me as you do and still being able to care for me. you're more forgiving of me than i am, and without you i don't think i'd have the strength to go on. you are the best thing that's happened to me in, and the highlight of, the last couple years of my life. people go their entire lives looking for the sort of support, caring and loyalty that you give so selflessly. thanks, kid.
and to everyone else i've wronged or neglected in my life, the liz's and abbie's, i really am sorry. you all deserve so much better than my insensitive insecurity and confused emotional immaturity. i wish i could go back and do things the right way, or go back and never have done anything at all.