Dare to be Aware - Chapter Fifteen
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 58,369
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 15
Nearly 24 hours after the brutalization of Quinn by his father, the young man's eyes blinked open. The tube had been taken from his throat once he got out of surgery and showed signs of breathing on his own after his lung was reflated, but he still had a oxygen mask carefully placed over his swollen nose and lips feeding him a richer than normal oxygen mix. He groaned softly as he looked up at the beige ceiling and blinked.
Everything hurt.
He was exhausted just opening his eyes and trying to feel something besides pain, something - anything - that could help him figure out where he was. He turned his head slightly and his blurry eyes focused on a dark haired shape in the chair next to his bed. Eventually his tired eyes let him make out the shape of Santana sleeping awkwardly curled in the chair next to him. As he got used to the pain, he could just barely feel the gentle warmth of her hand placed on his. Using as much energy as he could muster, he carefully turned his hand under hers to tangle their fingers together.
Santana whimpered softly in her sleep as her body resisted waking up so early. It'd taken a lot of string pulling by her father to get her permission to stay with Quinn, but one look at how worried his little girl was and he'd gotten on the phone. If someone had asked, she wouldn't have been able to tell them when she fell asleep, but she'd somehow curled almost her entire body into the tiny uncomfortable chair that she'd dragged across the room to be as close to Quinn's bed as she could get it.
Finally though, her head lifted from where she'd been resting it on her shoulder and her tired eyes blinked open. "Quinn?" her voice sounded hoarse and gravelly even to her ears. Her eyes flicked down to where his hand had covered hers and a hopeful smile turned up the corners of her lips as her gaze flashed back up to his, "You're awake?"
He lifted his hand up and waved at her. He tried to bring his hand up to his oxygen mask but his arm got tangled in the tubes and cords. He groaned and turned to look at her and run his thumb over her hand.
Santana laughed with relief. "Stay still, you idiot. I don't want you hurting yourself again and being stuck in here longer." She unfolded herself from the chair with a groan and hugged him carefully. "I'm so glad you woke up. You had me worried, Q."
"Sorry," he mumbled from under the mask, his eyes following her. He reached his hand up the best he could and stoked her hair. "You're here," he whimpered, his voice muffled by the mask and his swollen face.
"Of course I'm here," she smiled at him as if she couldn't believe he doubted she would be, "I'm your girlfriend, right?" Her eyes searched his, looking for reassurance. "And you're my like only friend besides..."
"Of course you’re my girlfriend," he whispered. "San? What happened? Am I okay?"
"You got really trashed," Santana tried smiling, but she was scared and it showed in how her hand trembled as she carefully brushed over Quinn's destroyed hair. "They even fucked your hair up. What'd you do, try to take on a whole gang of white supremacists on your own after telling them you were dating me? Without giving me a chance to get my own two kicks in?"
"Oh," he whispered as the night slowly came back to his memory. "There were pictures of us," he said as he finally got his hand up to remove the oxygen mask. "He got so mad." Quinn brought his hand to his chest feeling the thick gauze. "Ouch."
"Pictures?" Santana looked confused, "Quinn, I might be into some kinky shit sometimes, but I've never taken pictures... Wait. He? One person did this to you?" She first went pale then darkened with anger. "Who? I'll kill him myself!"
"Don't... It's fine..." he whimpered. "Don't call my mom... She'll find me."
"It's not fine, Quinn!" Santana looked hurt and worried. "Someone almost killed you! That's not fine, okay?! It's not! You've gotta report this. You can't let him get away with it..."
"San... I'm alive..." He whispered, "That's more than they wanted... We can't... I can't report this. It will just be worse. Please understand."
"What? You want me to understand someone trying to kill you? To act like it's okay or something?" she looked appalled, leaning back from Quinn. "Fuck that! No, okay! I'm not okay with someone trying to kill you! I'm not okay with it, Quinn!"
Quinn struggled to exhale and put his mask back on. He closed his eyes and tried to not cry. He heard the nurse come in and give him a new IV bag and antibiotics.
"Miss, your father said when she wakes up she needs to talk to the police officers. We've been trying to contact her family with no answer. Do you know another number that you could give your father for them?" The nurse asked as she wrote down notes on Quinn's chart.
"Hi...Her family's a bunch of dicks," Santana ground out, still angry at Quinn for trying to get her to let go of him being so brutally hurt. "If they can't reach them they're probably at church praying to look even better. Fucking assholes..."
"She's still underage... they need to sign off on her care," the nurse explained, not noticing how rigid and trembling Quinn had got. "Okay we'll keep looking for a next of kin for her treatment." The nurse smiled, "You should get some breakfast, Ms. Lopez, you've been here for a long time," she remarked before walking out. Quinn's eyes remained closed, scared to open her eyes and see her father's face hovering over him again with that letter opener.
Santana just sat beside Quinn for a while in silence before she sighed. "Do you...not want me here?" she whispered, scared of what his answer would be. "Should I just go and...I don't know. What do you want?"
"I want you here," he whispered. "But I wish you didn't have to see me like this. I don't want you to be in danger because of me. I... I don't want you going anywhere alone. Just... just stay where I can protect you," he said, not really thinking that he couldn't even get up or walk if her father came to the hospital. "Just... please don't go after anyone."
"Go after who?" Santana sniffed, trying to control her body's desire to cry from how angry she was. "For all I know this is my fault. You said there were photos. Maybe someone came after you because of me. Because I'm a lesbian..."
"He would have tried to kill me when he found out no matter what," Quinn sighed and reached for Santana's hand. "He tried to kill me because I think I'm a boy. It's simple and not your fault."
"But it is my fault," Santana whimpered, clutching onto his hand like it was a lifeline. "If you weren't with me who'd have been sick enough to take photos?"
"Doesn't matter." Quinn said, "It wasn't because of you... He would have killed me ether way. I know that, that's why I tried to hide. I just got sloppy about hiding recently, the pictures had nothing to do with us," Quinn lied, not wanting his girlfriend to be hurt by his father's hate. "It was just me."
"I don't believe it. Not in this town," Santana sighed, slumping in the chair. "Papi says your boobs are gone now," she whispered. "They had to take out like almost all the tissue and stuff to have enough skin to close up what he did to you..."
"Oh... that's why it hurts so bad," he remarked. "There's gonna be big scars right?" He sighed, wiggling his fingers to reach for her.
"Yeah," Santana smiled a bit tearily at Quinn, reaching to tangle her fingers with his, "but you'll look totally badass. Like some kind of action hero."
"Do you know how long I have to be here?" He asked as he looked at his girlfriend. "I hope my mom finds me soon..." He looked down worried about her safety with her father.
"I don't know," Santana shrugged. "Papi said he'd come by and assess you as a mature minor if they couldn't get your asshole parents soon."
Quinn nodded, "I'm tired..." He whimpered as he fell asleep mid sentence.
Quinn woke up to only dim lighting from outside in the hall and a lamp by the end of his bed illuminating the room. Santana was gone and he was freezing cold. He looked over and saw a shadow of a man at the foot of his bed and started to whimper. "P-please don't hurt me!" he exclaimed as he blinked rapidly trying to get his vision to clear up. He started to try to flee thinking his father had found him.
"Whoa! Calm down," Dr Lopez's reassuring lilt cut through his panic as the man dropped his chart back into the pocket at the foot of his bed. "I assure you that no one will harm you here, sweetheart. You're safe."
The heart rate monitor started to calm down as Quinn blinked and focused his eyes on her girlfriend’s father. He took several shaky breaths and nodded. Quinn's gown had been taken down to his waist and the gauze had been removed so Dr. Lopez could check the stitches. "S-sorry..." Quinn whispered as his eyes fell on the dark red and purple sutured scars across his chest.
"Don't worry," he reassured, "you've been through a lot. So, you got assessed as a mature minor last afternoon," he offered, checking the sutures. "Hmm, Dr Grabowski does very good work. You're going to look rather masculine up top after you heal with your build, but I'm sure with some reconstructive surgery, you'll look just as beautiful as you used to."
"Oh," he said softly. "When do I have to have that?" Quinn asked as he looked him. "What does Mature Minor mean?" Quinn asked as he looked up at the ceiling of the room as Mr. Lopez inspected his body.
"Once you've healed," Dr Lopez smiled down at her reassuringly, "there's no rush. And it means that you've been judged competent to make your own health care decisions so we can take care of you without having to track down your parents." He finished changing her dressing and sat back in the chair. "If you have any questions, it's a fairly slow night and I can't say I'd mind helping out my daughter's beau."
"When will I be healed?" Quinn asked, "How long do I have to stay in the hospital? I don't want to talk to the police..."
"Yes, my daughter mentioned as much," he sighed leaning forward, "It'll be at least a month before your body is sufficiently healed for implant surgery, possibly longer. Because of the extent of your injuries, we'd like to keep you here for at the very minimum a week. Now, Quinn... Do you want to tell me what happened? Doctor patient confidentiality. I won't tell anyone unless you are in immediate danger or you allow it."
"Why can't I move my leg?" Quinn asked as he looked down at his legs seeing one in a splint with pins going into the knee. He didn't want to tell Dr. Lopez what happened and he was avoiding looking at him so he wouldn't break down.
"Your knee was severely damaged, Quinn," Dr Lopez explained with a sigh, "I'm afraid cheerleading is over for you. It will be at least six month with extensive physical therapy to heal and you may always walk with a limp. I'm very sorry."
"At least Santana will get to be captain then." Quinn said distractedly. "She deserves it and wanted it more than I did anyway." he admitted, "I know you must have tried to contact my family but please don't." He said, "Just... don't okay."
"We're legally obligated to, but no one answered any attempt to contact them." He looked at her for a long moment, "Quinn, is something wrong at home? Was this," he gestured at her damaged body, "some kind of hate crime? Is Santana going to be targeted next?"
"Where is Santana?" Quinn quickly asked, "Just... make sure she doesn't do anything stupid and she'll be fine. I'd never let him hurt her." Quinn said his voice stronger than any other time since they had started talking. "My... I shamed him and I got what I deserved."
"She's at home in bed. Some place I rather wish you were instead of here." He sighed and reached out to pat Quinn's shoulder. "I never realized that when Santana told me she was a lesbian, I'd find myself worrying about two girls, but here you are and she truly cares about you. You obviously know who did this to you. I wish you would tell me..."
"Is... is she with her mom? I don't want her to be alone..." Quinn whispered, trying to stay calm. "I deserved to get hurt. I made him mad and... I don't know how he found out... who sent those pictures. No one was going to know until it was safe."
"She's fine, Quinn. What are you talking about? What pictures? My god, child, nothing could be so horrible to deserve what happened to you..." Dr Lopez took her hand and squeezed it. "Give me a name, Quinn. Let me protect you, please."
"He wanted me to stay Lucy..." he whispered, "I couldn't.. I wanted to be Quinn." He blinked the tears that came to his eyes. "Someone gave him pictures of how I wanted to be... I don't know. Only three people knew... but he looked at me like he hated me. I came home and he asked me... I should have denied it!" he cried, remembering his father’s gaze when he told him he was a boy.
"When you came..." his voice caught in his throat. He couldn't believe it. "Quinn... Sweetheart, did... Did your father do this to you?"
"He's not my father anymore," Quinn said coldly as he looked away. "I should have just shut up and then he wouldn't have had to hit me. I shouldn't have fought back... I shouldn't have tried to be a man and face my father." He mumbled as he closed his eyes.
"Be a man...?" Emilio looked confused for a moment before a memory of some of his patients when they lived in Fresno came to him, "Quinn...were you... Please forgive me for asking, but are you... trans?"
Quinn just shrugged the best he could. He honestly didn't know who or what he was anymore. His body had been ripped apart because of what he thought he should be rather than what he was born as. He had spent the better part of the last few hours wondering if everything would be easier if he just sucked it up and lived like everyone thought he should.
Dr Lopez nodded slowly. "Does...does Santana know? Is she okay with it?"
"She knows," Quinn stated not sure on whether or not his girlfriend was actually okay with it. "She doesn't know this happened because of that... but she does know that I'm like this." He grumbled, suddenly hating himself more than he had in the last year since he realized his identity.
"Okay," Dr Lopez didn't understand how that worked and he wouldn't pretend to, but if it was making his baby girl happy, he'd do his best to be okay with it. "Obviously, you can't go home. That would be criminally negligent to allow. So, while it isn't typically my policy to offer my baby girl's... boyfriend a home, I'll make an exception for you. If you want to come stay with us, at least until you graduate, you're welcome in our home."
"Thank you," he whispered, his eyes opening and looking at him. "My mom said she'd find me... she'll protect me. I don't wanna be a burden on you," he said, almost naively believing that his mother would somehow be able to get away and take care of him. "She'll... she's going to come. She has too."
"Okay, but if something happens, you're welcome." He squeezed his shoulder, "I don't know how you and Santana work with you as a man, but if you can keep making her smile like she has been, I don't care. Just take care of my baby girl and don't hurt her and I'll be happy."
"She's my best friend and I love everything about her." He replied, "I won't hurt her as long as I'm alive." He said honestly, he coughed softly. He started to whimper his body starting to overcome the painkillers. "Hurts."
"Let me check your chart," Dr Lopez murmured, getting up and moving to flip through the chart tucked in the pocket at the end of the bed. "Mmhmm, looks like you're due for another dose of painkillers. Well, son," he murmured almost absently after carefully making sure he used the right term, "I guess you won't want those implants as much now, huh. Let me get a nurse in here to dose you and your girl will be by later after school, okay?"
"Thank you," he said softly as he looked at his girlfriend’s father. "Please don't tell the cops..." he mumbled again before the pain medication shot entered his veins. "He'll hurt my mom and Santana and I don't want him to hurt anyone more."
"Don't worry, Quinn," Dr Lopez whispered, brushing a hand over his head, "if he comes here or near Santana, I'll stop him myself."
Santana wasn't thrilled to be at school on Monday when her boyfriend was laying in a hospital bed but her mother had insisted and besides, someone had to tell Sue that her golden girl was out indefinitely. When she came out of the infamous coach's office with a promotion to head cheerleader and an apparently sincere wish from Sue for a quick recovery, she looked stunned. She absolutely was not prepared to see an overly cheerful Brittany all but skipping up the hall towards her.
"Hi, Sanny!" Brittany chirped after she blew a kiss to Artie as he rolled away to his class. "Why were you talking to Coach?" She asked, as she reached over and took Santana's hand since she didn't see Quinn anywhere.
"Hi, Britt-Britt. I'm head cheerleader now," Santana replied distractedly, absentmindedly pulling her hand from Brittany's. She wasn't thinking of how the blonde would react. She had other things in mind, like how much longer she had to wait before her mom would come by to pick her up and take her to the hospital to see Quinn.
Brittany pouted and looked at her friend, "Yay!" she clapped as she followed Santana to her locker. "That's awesome, San! You're so pretty and flexy!" Brittany ran her hand over the girl's back. "Can you make me co-captian now? Or does Quinn still get if she was demoted?"
"You're captain of the JV squad, Britt, and Sue decides, not me," Santana pointed out, spinning in the combo to her locker and popping it open. "But I'm the new captain because Quinn in the hospital. She can't cheer anymore."
"Oh," she pouted. "But, I wanna cheer with you," she said with a petulant tone. "What did Miss Perfect do to get kicked off of the squad? Why is she in the hospital did someone drop her?"
"Don't even joke, Brittany!" Santana snapped, jerking her gaze from her locker to glare at the taller blonde. "Someone beat the hell out of her so bad she almost died. It's not funny and you shouldn't say things like that."
"Oh." Brittany scuffed her shoes. "That sucks, did they mess up her face because she's really pretty." She hated that Santana was apparently upset with her. "Is she okay?" She asked as she pulled Santana into a hug, "She'll be fine."
Santana pushed her away, not interested in being comforted. "No, she won't. They cut her chest all up and fucked up her knee so bad she maybe won't walk again 'cause I'm her girlfriend, so no, she's not okay."
"Oh..." Brittany said softly, "I don't understand. Why did she get hurt?" she asked as she looked at her friend. She started speaking again before she was interrupted by a breathless Sam.
"Santana!" He yelled as he nearly pushed Brittany out of the way. "What happened to her, please please tell me she's staying with you." He looked like he ran all the way to school. "I went to pick up Quinn this morning and her dad said she ran away... she can't just disappear please tell me she's okay!"
"Sam! I was talking to Santana." Brittany whined and stomped her foot. "Who cares about that?"
“Shut up, Brittany!" Sam yelled, "Go the fuck away this isn't your problem!" Brittany looked at the boy and broke out into tears and bolted down the hall hoping Santana would follow her.
Much as she disliked her oldest friend running away in tears, Santana had more important things on her mind. She shook her head, looking more scared than she usually would allow someone to see. "She's," she swallowed, remembering that Sam knew the truth. "He's in the hospital," she whispered.
Sam reached out and pulled Santana into a hug, "What happened? Did he really run away? Russell didn't even seem to care that his kid was gone. He just said that Lucy wasn't here anymore." He was scared for his friend and seeing Santana scared made him even more worried. "Is he okay?"
Santana just shook her head. "No, he...wait, Russell said what?"
"That Q was gone, or Lucy." Sam sighed, "He smelled like booze and I asked to talk to Judy and he said she was sick... Dude’s weird."
"That sick son of a bitch! I'll kill him!" Santana was livid, pushing past Sam and taking off down the hall towards the parking lot.
Sam ran after her, "San! What's going on?" He called out as he caught up with her. "Stop and tell me whats going on!"
"It's his fault!" Santana struggled against the grip Sam had on her arms, "That fucking bastard did this to Q! Somehow he got photos of us together and he almost killed his own kid cause he couldn't deal!"
Sam's face hardened. "Mother fucker is dead," Sam said and fished his keys out of his pocket. "Let’s go," he said as he pulled Santana to his car. "I'm gonna kill him with my bare hands."
When the cold air hit her, she stopped. "No... We have to go to the cops." She shook her head and took a shuddery breath, "I promised him I'd not go near the guy that hurt him. And that asshole deserves to be dragged through the fucking streets in cuffs."
"Fine. But fucker's going down. No one touches my bro and gets away with it." He growled and got into his car, barely waiting long enough for Santana to buckle up before speeding to the police station.