I Know You Want Me - Chapter Eighteen

[thelastpen]

Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 92,951
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm

Chapter 18

Everything was packed and delivered. Santana and Rachel has discussed and consulted her dad about the best methods of moving down to New Orleans. Aaron was a little over two weeks old when Dr. Lopez told them it would be okay to fly. Rachel had hesitated about bringing the baby on a plane but it was a better option then driving close to 20 hours from Lima with a new born baby. So, they packed up Santana's stuff and then went to Rachel's house and helped her pack up her things there. After a teary 6 hours of packing at Rachel's dad's house and getting the moving truck sent off, Santana held their son as Rachel wrote her dads a letter.

After a another day at Santana's house, Miguel drove his daughter, her girlfriend and their son to the airport. Sitting in business class - tickets that were bought with Rachel's dad's frequent flyer points on Rachel's credit card- Santana looked out the window as Ohio sped by under the wings of the plane. She looked over when she heard Rachel singing softly to their son who was resting in her arms.

"How's he doing?" Santana asked as she leaned closer to her lover.

The baby was fussing, pawing at the sides of his head and Rachel looked worried as she tried to calm him. "I don't know. Maybe the pressure difference is hurting his ears," she sounded scared and increasingly upset, "maybe this wasn't a good idea, Santana. Maybe we should have driven instead." She was rocking their boy, trying to soothe him before he started screaming. She was nearing tears herself as nothing she did seemed to ease her son's distress. "I don't know what to do, Santana..."

Santana's dad said this might happen. "Give him the pacifier or breastfeed him my dad said that it would be better if he could suck on something... I promise, babe, it will be okay."

"I don't like using a pacifier with him," Rachel mumbled fumbling with the baby, a blanket and her top. Eventually she gave up and looked to her girlfriend helplessly for assistance. "Please help, I don't think I can do this on my own right now..."

The darker girl unbuckled herself and got up and moved so she could stand next to her. Santana kissed Rachel's head as she settled her arms and slid the blanket over the girl's shoulder, helping her with her top and her nursing bra. When Santana slid her hand under the blanket she linked her hand over Rachel's on Aaron's back and eased him so he could suckle. His whimpering stopped the moment his mouth started to suck, the movement in this throat soothing his ears.

"See. He's okay, you need to calm down, Rae."

Rachel nodded hesitantly, soothed by both AJ's calming down and the sensation of suckling. She sighed softly, gently stroking his back though his onesie. "I know," she whispered, "I just want to be able to make everything better for him and it scares me when I can't..."

The other mother sat down in her chair and turned to face the other girl. "I know you're scared, but he can tell when you're scared too... It makes him nervous." She sighed and ran her fingers over AJ's head before moving to hold Rachel's hand.

"I know," Rachel worried at her lip, "I'm trying to get better. I just don't have control over how I feel yet. I'm sorry..."

"It's fine, Rae..." Santana whispered her hand rubbing Rachel's. "We'll get you some rest as soon as we get to the house. I'll watch the baby and you can get some real sleep, okay? I just want you to be okay, to be happy... You haven't been happy in a long time and I don't know how to fix that."

Rachel sighed tiredly, leaning over to rest her head on Santana's shoulder. "I haven't been happy in far longer than you've known me, love, but I'm happiest with you and our son. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I wish I knew how to be better for you."

"I just want you back. No better, no worse." She sighed, and kissed Rachel head. She was trying her best to be comforting and she was really trying. She was stressed out trying to take care of everything so Rachel wouldn't have to worry. When Rachel was distant when she came back to the Lopez's after the hospital, Santana's dad took her aside and explained to her about postpartum depression. Now, Santana was just trying to hold everything together.

"I'm trying," she whispered, barely awake, AJ looking up at his other mom as he fed.

"I know you are." She whispered, watching as Rachel fell asleep. After a bit, AJ pulled his lips away and reached out for Santana. She carefully did up Rachel's top and wrapped a blanket around her lover as she took the baby, burping him and smiling down at him in her arms. She lifted up the armrest and let Rachel snuggle into her as she pressed kisses to her baby's head.

"I love you, little man. We'll be home soon."

AJ gurgled softly and snuggled into the comforting warmth of his mother, one tiny hand snagging in his mom's hair as he did.

Landing was almost as bad as takeoff, the poor boy shrieking disconsolately as the pressure mounted. His stress was too great to let him suckle or accept the pacifier and Rachel was nearly in tears again trying to calm him as the plane touched down. "Santana, I'm sorry. I can't quiet him!"

Santana took her boy and held him over her heart, she balled up a bit of her shirt and he instantly started sucking on it. He was still crying and Santana rubbed his back and started singing softly, "Because darling, you are the only exception; and I'm on my way to believing." She kept singing until the plane touched down and she was able to pop his panda soother into his mouth. "See, buddy, not so bad, you're okay. We'll be home soon and you and mommy can go to sleep."

"I'm sorry," Rachel muttered, wiping at her eyes, "I wish I was a better mother. I'm sorry. I'll do better..."

Santana was on the edge. "I can't do this right now. Stop crying please and we can get off the damn plane." Santana started gathering her stuff and put the sling around her shoulders and settled Aaron into in.

"I'm trying dammit!" Rachel jerked out of her seat, standing up on tiptoe to angrily pull their bags out of the overhead compartment, tears streaming down her face despite her frustrated scowl. "Do you think I enjoy feeling like this, Santana? Because I don't!"

She stormed off as soon as there was room to move, upset enough to leave Santana alone to get their son off the plane.

Santana sighed and looked down, trying to comfort her baby. She slid the diaper bag over her shoulder and slid off the plane ignoring the glares she was getting from passengers. Santana held her son and looked around for Rachel once she hit the terminal. She didn't see her and she sighed. She headed to the bathroom so she could change AJ's diaper and try to calm down.

In the bathroom, Rachel was huddled in the first stall trying to control the tears that were getting the best of her. She hated that she got angry at something so stupid, hated that she ran off and left the two people she loved more than anything. She sat on the floor, hugging her knees and sobbing into them because she didn't know how to make herself better and she was afraid she'd drive both Santana and their son to hate her.

Santana put the infant on the changing table - after she lined it with a burping cloth- and laid him on it. She carefully undressed him and blew a raspberry on his stomach. "It's okay baby. Mommy will be back, she's just not feeling good. She'll be back, I promise." She said loudly enough that it echoed in the empty - or so she thought- bathroom. Santana changed his diaper and then re-dressed him in fresh clothing. "There you go, all clean, baby."

When she heard Santana's voice, she dragged in a shaky breath and did her best to calm herself. "I'm sorry, Santana..." She whispered, but it seemed loud with no one else in the room but them.

Getting her feet under her, she stood - shaky after the long flight and pelting through the terminal to the nearest bathroom to lose what little she'd managed to eat. She unlocked the door and eased it open, looking pale and drawn under the florescent lights. "I'm sorry I'm so emotional all the time and I'm sorry I got mad and left. I wish I knew why everything seems so hard and I'm just so tired all the time..."

Santana turned around and looked at the girl sadly as she finished buttoning up the onesie that made AJ look like a tiger. She popped on his little booties and mittens and picked him up. "It's fine, Rachel... but I think we need to get you help. You're depressed and I can't fix that... I think you need medical help."

Rachel nodded tiredly with a wan smile. "If you think it will help," she whispered, coming over to carefully lift her son, "I'm sorry I went away, Aaron. I'll do my best not to do it again." She turned to look at Santana hopefully, "Can we go home now?"

Santana nodded and handed the baby to Rachel and grabbed their bags. She settled Rachel and the baby on a bench before going to get the checked suitcases. Once she go their two large suitcases she came and met with Rachel before getting a cab to their house.

It wasn't much. A split townhouse with a basement apartment and a main floor. Santana had been able to cut a better deal with the landlord when she found a resident for the basement apartment - Quinn and Puck would be moving down in the middle of the summer when he could get enough money. It was old, but it was theirs. Santana carefully unlocked the door and ushered Rachel inside. The entrance was was painted a simple pale yellow with dark wood paneling and floors. A staircase leading to two bedrooms upstairs and a full bathroom. The first floor had a large open living room that led into the moderate kitchen with a attached dining area.

"I hope it's okay." Santana whispered as she looked at Rachel for a positive reaction.

Rachel smiled as best she could as tired as she was and shrugged, "It's ours. That makes it about perfect as far as I'm concerned. Show me around? Or shall we explore together?"

The darker girl nodded and dragged the bags in and closed the door behind them. "Um... the movers just unpacked the boxes in the rooms the landlord told them too..." Santana showed her the living room. A black couch lined the wall, the room had a bay window which gave off a lot of light into the room it had hardwood floors and a small piano on the back wall near the kitchen. Santana smiled at it and nodded her head to it. "Happy Graduation and birth of the baby, Rachel," she said softly.

"A piano?" She smiled disbelievingly as she made her way across the room to brush her fingers over the smooth keys. "Santana, you didn't have to do anything like this..." She looked sad for a moment, "I didn't get you a graduation gift."

She shook her head with a little sigh, trying to shake off the melancholy. "Thank you. You're," she turned to Santana with a happy smile, the tears that were never far since AJ was born welling up in her eyes, "you're far too good to me. Thank you so much. So much."

"I thought you'd need something to practice on when school starts." She shrugged as she watched Rachel, "You did give me a gift... You're holding him." Santana smiled as she walked past Rachel into the kitchen. It wasn't big but it wasn't tiny ether. A worn looking table with four chairs sat in the corner and a island resided off the side of the cook space. The stove was nestled between a fridge and the counter. There was a door off the back of the kitchen that showed a tiny yard, and the alley which led to the basement apartment's outside entrance.

"So kitchen is pretty normal... Do you wanna look upstairs then lay down?"

"That depends," Rachel said, still blushing at being told their son was Santana's graduation gift. "Will you lie down with us for a little while? I could really use a hug after today."

"Yeah. Let's see Aaron's room and then we can have a siesta." She said softly, as she guided Rachel back to the stairs. She quickly flicked the lock on the front door and followed Rachel up the stairs. Aaron's room was on the right at the top of the stairs, Santana had been able to get the landlord to let in a painter in to do the nursery. It was white with a dark wood floor but midway up the wall was a foot wide lime green stripe around the room. There was a black crib against the wall and a dresser and a changing table. "We can go shopping when we decide how we wanna decorate for him." Santana smiled and kissed her son's head. "Come on, lets see our room."

She brought Rachel across the hall and she opened the door to a deep red colored bedroom with the bed from Santana's room in the middle. "I thought we could use something familiar," she whispered. In the corner of the room was a bassinet for Aaron and the rest of the room was covered in boxes - much like the rest of the house. "Is it okay?"

"Your bed?" Rachel breathed a soft sigh of relief. She hadn't been looking forward to learning to sleep on a new bed on top of everything else. It may not have been her bed, but for the last few months it had almost started to feel like their bed.

"Our bed." She corrected her girlfriend. "I think that it's our bed. We conceived that little thing there so... our bed." She kissed the side of Rachel's neck. "Lets get you in some pajamas and get into bed for a nap okay?" She whispered as she placed their son in the bassinet and grabbed a box that said bedding.

She turned and freed one arm to hug Santana, being careful not to crush AJ between them. "I love you. Thank you," she whisperer shakily, too overwhelmed to properly express how grateful she was.
Santana quickly outfitted the bed with fresh white sheets and she grabbed the black duvet and threw it on the bed and put the pillow's onto the bed. She looked up and smiled when she saw Rachel undressing to put on her argyle pajama bottoms and one of Santana's Cheerios shirts. The girl grabbed a box that said San and rifled through it before grabbing her Superman boxers and a white tank top. She breathed a sigh of relief when her constricting boxers were removed and she put on more comfortable clothing.

Rachel moved to check on AJ, smiling down at him before moving to crawl into their bed. She watched Santana finish changing, feeling a slight stir of interest in her beautiful girlfriend, but far too tired to act on it. Pushing the covers back, she smiled at her instead. "I'm glad you're okay enough to be comfortable around me," she murmured, "I don't like it when you hurt yourself."

"Yeah... It hurts to sit on it all day." she sighed and moved to lay under the covers with Rachel. "I'm used to it but it still aches at the end of the day." she moved to wrap her arm around Rachel. "I know it's not home yet but I hope you like it here... we can make it ours, I just wanted the essentials to be here when we moved in."

"You're here," Rachel whispered, snuggling close and finally relaxing, all but melting into Santana's loose embrace. "Our son is here. That's enough to make this home for me. Everything else is just details." She sighed as she relaxed, feeling for once like maybe things were looking up.

"Okay." Santana smiled softly pressing tiny kisses to Rachel's shoulder. "I just want you to feel better... I miss you," she said quietly. "It's gonna be hard, we both know that... but maybe it will work."

Rachel nodded, barely awake, "I miss you too..."

"Get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." Santana whispered, running her fingers through the smaller girl's hair. "Just sleep."

"Thank you," she mumbled, drifting off, "Love you..."

Santana looked at the kitchen that was mostly stocked with canned goods and sighed. She needed to get Rachel to eat something when she woke up, but she didn't have much. After thinking for a moment Santana started a simple vegan soup, flicking on her iPod as she cooked and singing along softly to classic rock songs that came out of the speakers.

Rachel woke up a couple of hours later to the smell of something wonderful and the familiarly pleasant rasp of her lover's singing voice. She smiled, pushing the covers back with a sigh and climbing out of bed. She had a brief moment of panic when she realized that AJ wasn't in his crib where she left him before going to sleep, but she was able to reassure herself that Santana wouldn't have allowed anything to happen to their son and calm down.

Things seemed much brighter with some real rest - as if the world wasn't conspiring with itself to drive her into the ground. She made her way down the stairs following the smell, her stomach gurgling its desire for food. It was the first time in days that she felt actually hungry and she decided to attribute it to the nap she'd managed to take.

Stepping into the kitchen, she smiled to see Santana earnestly stirring a pot and dancing to classic rock. A quick glance told her that their son was fine, lying on his back in the playpen they'd salvaged from her old baby things in her fathers' basement. Stepping up behind Santana, she slipped her arms around her waist and hugged her. "Thank you for letting me sleep, Santana. I think I really needed it. What are you making? It smells delicious."

"Lentil soup." Santana explained, "Aaron woke up and I didn't want you to get up just yet so he and I decided to make dinner." She brought the wooden spoon up to the girl's lips. "Taste."

Rachel sipped from the spoon with a low hum of appreciation. "Oh, that's good. It may surprise you after the last few days, but I believe I may actually be experiencing hunger." She raised up on her tip toes to press a kiss to the corner of Santana's jaw. "Your timing could not be more impeccable, my love."

"I'm glad. We can go get real food tomorrow but this will do," she smiled and kissed Rachel quickly. Santana was happy to see Rachel acting more normal, she leaned down and pressed a proper kiss to the girl's lips, one like she hadn't been able to do in weeks.

Rachel hummed softly into the kiss, not responding as strongly as she would have before AJ's birth, but actually responding nonetheless. She hugged Santana as they parted, "I wish I felt up to doing something with that kiss," she whispered with a shy smile, "but I do feel a little better after my nap. Maybe much of this is just my being exhausted. Thank you for taking care of me."

"It's my job." she smiled before turning back to dinner on the stove. "I'm glad you slept though, you needed it bad. We all needed it."

"Mmhmm," Rachel murmured, letting her cheek rest against Santana's shoulder blade, content to just hug her, "It'll be easier maybe once our little boy is big enough to sleep through the night, though just being here finally instead of frantically scrambling to get here makes me feel a little better too."

"Good." Santana whispered, "Maybe we should think to bottle feeding him... that way you can sleep more and I can get up with him during the night?"

"Not yet," Rachel shook her head against Santana's back, squeezing her arms gently around her waist. "He's still too little and," she swallowed, pressing her face against Santana's shoulder, "and it makes me happy... being able to feed him. I know I'm tired all of the time, but I need it for a little longer... please."

"I prefer you to breastfeed honestly." Santana admitted, "I like it. It's really beautiful and it will make him stronger. I just wanted to give you that option." She shrugged and turned off the soup, she grabbed a couple bowls and spoons off the shelf and ladled some into each. "Come on, lets eat then we can cuddle with the baby."

"That sounds like a lovely idea, Santana." Rachel smiled, letting go of her girlfriend to take a bowl as they made their way over to the table. "Though these boxes won't unpack themselves and I'd like to at least get started today while I still have enough energy to help." Setting her bowl down, she stepped to the playpen and reached over to lift up their son, "I bet you're hungry too, aren't you, sweetheart?"

Santana sat down and smiled at them. "Eat first, he's not screaming yet." Santana remarked as she watched them. She smiled softly and took a bite of her soup and looked at the boxes, "We should unpack clothing and baby crap first so we know what we need to buy still then figure out everything else."

"I believe I can handle feeding myself as he eats, Santana," Rachel chided softly, pushing up her top to free her breasts so that AJ could latch on. She watched him for a moment with a soft smile before reaching to take a bite of soup. Swallowing, she glanced across the table at Santana. "Also, I know I've mentioned it before, but do control your language. I've read that babies are very impressionable and we don't want his first words to be curses, do we?"

The darker teenager rolled her eyes, "Whatever, he's gonna be badass." she continued eating as she snuck glances across the table at Rachel. "We can go exploring tomorrow if you want... walk around or go to the mall or something." Santana offered, knowing that they needed to get some more stuff for themselves and Alex as well as groceries. "But, tonight I wants to sleep and snuggle with you both."

"That sounds like a lovely idea, Santana, but I don't want our son to have a foul mouth by the time he's three, so kindly watch your tongue." She sent a pointed glance at her lover, pausing in eating to help AJ latch onto her other breast. "Also, I think we should unpack as much as we can before we go out so we know what we require most urgently, don't you agree?"

"Sounds fine." Santana shrugged as she continued eating. When she was done she quickly put a cover on the the still moderately full pot and put it in the fridge before cleaning up the kitchen. She came around and picked up Rachel's bowl when she was done, pressing a gentle kiss to her exposed neck. She moved around and popped the lid on a couple of boxes before she squatted down. She quickly made sure all of her parts were still inside her boxers and began sorting through things.

Rachel's lips quirked in an amused smile as she watched Santana's habitual checking while she burped their son and settled him back in the playpen. Wiping herself off, she tucked her breasts back away and came over to kneel beside the box Santana was working on. Reaching in and picking up their toothbrush holder, she chuckled softly. "Are we entirely certain these boxes are in the rooms they belong? Or were we perhaps less circumspect at ensuring compatible items were packaged together?"

"Stupid ass movers." Santana grumbled as she looked at the word bathroom written on the box. "Can you start on that kitchen box and I'll take this one upstairs to the bathroom?" She asked as Rachel dropped the toothbrush holder back in the box and she picked up the box with a grunt and moved to carry it up the stairs.

"Certainly, but wait one moment please." She climbed to her feet and rested a hand on Santana's shoulder, leaning up to kiss her softly. Pulling away, she smiled and though there was still a dull tiredness in her eyes, she was starting to look more like the old Rachel, "There we are. That's much better." There was even a glimmer of brightness in her brown eyes as she winked and let one hand gently slap Santana's ass, "Hurry back, okay?"

Santana raised her eyebrow, "Don't tease, woman." She threw over her shoulder as she headed up the stairs. Santana dropped the box into the bathroom and and quickly unpacked its contents so she could throw it away. A few minutes later, she came back downstairs with another box in her arms. "Found another one." She placed it on the floor, her biceps flexing as she did. "Evidently the movers can't read."

"Or perhaps things simply became confused in the process of moving them in. It's okay. I'm certain we can resolve any dilemmas while we unpack." Rachel murmured, leaning over to give Santana a quick kiss before pulling out a stack of plates to place in the cabinet. "Though I do admit a certain fondness for watching you exercise your strength. It's quite impressive for a person of your stature and build and I will cheerfully admit it is an exciting thing to observe even if I am not currently up to the task of indulging that excitement."

"Mmhm. Never having sex again my ass." She winked as she looked over at her girlfriend as she continued to unpack.

Several hours and many boxes later, Santana had showered and put on a sports bra and a pair of sleep pants that rode low on her hips. She lay on the couch and rested Aaron on her stomach as she watched a movie on her laptop. She ran her hand over the baby's naked back, and felt him breathing against her abs.

"I love you, Aaron." Santana whispered as she looked down at him. Rachel had gone to take a bath when they finished unpacking the first floor and cleaning up the mess they made in the process. She wasn't paying any attention to the film, but instead focusing on the baby who was yawning and looking up at her.

AJ gurgled and reached for his mother. He didn't quite know who she was yet, but she was still one of his favorite people. The soft sounds of her body intrigued him even as the smell of her filling his tiny nostrils calmed him down.

Rachel padded down the stairs wrapped in Santana's robe - it was the first one she'd found when she started looking - and her hair wrapped in a towel. Pausing in the doorway to the living room, she smiled at the sight of her girlfriend and their son cuddled on the sofa. She leaned against the door frame, watching them with a feeling of contentment.

Santana smiled and moved him up a bit so he could lay over her heart. She pressed little kisses to his forehead and temple as she did. "You're gonna grow up big and strong. I will love you no matter what, Aaron, but I hope you're not like me. I hope you never have to feel less than yourself because you're perfect," she whispered. "Do you know how much of a miracle you are? Your mommy and I didn't even know we could have you but here you are. You're here with us and I love you so much."

Rachel paced softly into the room to crouch beside the sofa and gently stroke the little boy's back as he snuggled into his mother's chest. "You're perfect too, you know," she murmured with a little smile up for Santana. "Perfect to me and perfect to him. I hope someday you can feel the same way about yourself as we feel about you."

"Aaron, first lesson." She said in a teasing tone of voice. "Don't eavesdrop, it's not nice." Santana turned her head to look at Rachel. "Just having some boy time." she whispered looking up into Rachel's eyes. "We should get him dressed and into bed."

"We should," She nodded, accepting the teasing, then looked shy, "Santana, can," she paused, obviously gathering her thoughts. "I'm not ready for," she dipped her head in a slight nod, "activities yet - certainly not as vigorous as they can be with you - but, can I maybe touch you after we lay him down?" She looked uncertain, as if the offer would be refused. "You... you said you were sore, I," she blushed, "I'd like to try to kiss it better if you're willing. But if you're not, that's fine too, of course..."

After three weeks of no physical contact Santana's body begin to react the moment the possibility of relief was mentioned. She didn't want to push Rachel though. She didn't want the girl to be distressed or uncomfortable, "Rae... I'll live, I mean you don't have to." She said, carefully sitting up with the baby in her arms. "I don't want you to feel like you have to..."

"Santana," Rachel's lips quirked in an amused smirk, "I proposed the offer because I want to, not because I feel I have to." She stood and kissed her lover over their child. "To be honest," the blush staining her cheeks seemed to almost get darker, "I would prefer to be able to offer you more than just my hands and mouth, but even my clothing is almost too much touch to bear at this point." She tried to avoid thinking about her fear that the lingering melancholy would make it difficult even after the ache between her legs healed, "I love you and I want to be able to give you this if you want it."

Santana hesitated for a second before nodding. "Yeah. I want you."

She stood up and carefully shut her laptop before following Rachel to the stairs. She watched the girl check the door lock before climbing the stairs. Santana followed and ducked into Aaron's bedroom to get him into pajamas and brought him across the hall to the bedroom. She kissed him as she laid him in his bassinet, "Te amo." She stated before making sure his hands were covered and warm enough. She sat down on the bed and watched Rachel tuck him in.

Gently double checking his sleeper was fastened all the way, Rachel brushed her finger's over the boy's head before turning to her lover with a soft smile. She crawled onto the bed beside Santana and kissed her gently. "Thank you for this, Santana," she whispered, gently teasing with soft brushes of her fingers along the warm skin of her abdomen just above the waistband of her sleep pants as she peppered her neck with light kisses.

The darker girl whimpered softly, her neck tilting to allow Rachel more access. With just a few simple, teasing touches her body was already on fire. "God, Rae," she whispered, her fingers running through Rachel's hair, "do you know what you do to me?"

"No," she whispered, her lips brushing tanned skin over the pulse point throbbing steadily in Santana's neck, "but I know what you do to me." She let her hand drift up, sliding over a bra covered breast and urging her lover to lay back on the bed. "I know how much it excites me to be able to touch you like this," she gently squeezed the mound under her hand, brushing her thumb over the cloth covering Santana's nipple. "To know I can make you feel good in this manner." She nipped gently at her lower lip, tugging lightly. "To be allowed to give you pleasure."

The other girl's back arched up under Rachel's ministrations, her hips moving to press against Rachel to press her hardening length into her girlfriend's thigh. "Please.. It's been so long, please don't tease me."

"Never," Rachel whispered, kissing Santana as she slid her hand into her sleep pants to stroke her gently. "Tell me what you want so I can please you best. My hand," she squeezed her fist carefully around the base of her girlfriend's cock, "or my mouth?" She kissed her again, harder.

Santana's breath caught and she groaned, "Mouth, baby, please mouth." She whispered, her breath coming in short pants.

Rachel nodded, her hand coming out of her pants as she slid down Santana's body. She peppered gentle kisses over the defined ridges of her abdomen, her hands sliding over the gentle curve of her lover's hips to slip her sleep pants down, easing the waistband over her straining cock. She kissed the tip, swirling her tongue around Santana's head to collect the pre-cum beginning to slide down the shaft as she dragged the sleep pants down over her lover's legs and tossed them aside.

She rolled her eyes up so she could watch Santana as she smiled softly at her, taking her length in her hand. The smile still on her lips, she carefully parted them around Santana's smooth shaft, sliding it into her mouth. She sucked on the head for a moment, swirling her tongue along the penis's ridges before pushing further, causing her to cough slightly as it hit her uvula, but she didn't stop until her lips were flush against the soft skin at the base.

"Shit." Santana gasped, her body shaking as she felt her dick getting swallowed. She watched as plump lips strained against her girth, then sliding when Santana's hips started rocking. Lithe fingers tangled into Rachel's hair as she carefully started fucking her girlfriend mouth.

Rachel moaned softly around Santana, causing her lips to vibrate against her shaft as she started swallowing. Her throat contracted and released around the head of Santana's shaft as she deep throated her girlfriend. One hand came up to gently cup and fondle her balls as the other worked its way under the tight material of her sports bra to pinch and roll her nipple to a stiff peak.

Santana's head thrashed against the pillow. She panted for air as she moved to sit up a bit for leverage. She pulled her dick out of Rachel's mouth and used her hand to control it as she traced the wet head over Rachel's swollen lips and down her neck to press lightly against the crease if her tits before moving it back up to the girl's mouth. "I can't wait til you feel better," Santana whispered, her eyes black with desire.

Rachel panted softly, her hot breath washing over the head of Santana's dick. "You're not the only one," she offered a tremulous smile against the fire burning between her legs that she didn't dare quench. She took Santana's penis into her mouth again, letting her teeth lightly scrape over the delicate flesh as she watched her.

Santana was on edge. She bit her lip hard as she thrust into Rachel's mouth. "God, f-fuck," she moaned softly. "I'm gonna come," she gasped before burying her dick in Rachel's throat and shooting unrelenting pulses of thick cum down it.

She made a soft almost choking sound, but she swallowed as quickly as she could. She drew back enough so she could pump Santana's shaft with one fist as she tried to swallow the cum filling her mouth down. A little trickled out the corner of her lips, sliding down her chin as she closed her eyes to focus on what she was doing to her lover, moaning softly in appreciation.

Santana slumped as she finished her orgasm, her hand releasing its hold on Rachel's head. She wiped the cum dripping out of Rachel's mouth away with her thumb. "You okay?" She whispered, fearing that she hurt her lover in her vigor.

Rachel nodded, crawling up to snuggle. "I'm okay. That was," she blinked slowly with a tiny smile, "fun, actually. Are you okay? I know you don't like... you know. Acknowledging it like that."

Tanned limbs snuggled around Rachel's body, "You're a freak." She giggled into Rachel's ear. "But, yeah it was good. I came really fucking hard," she kissed below Rachel's earlobe, "As much as I hate that part in theory... it felt really good."

"I always want to make you feel good. Even when I'm at my lowest, okay?" She smiled shyly, nuzzling the crook of her lover's neck, "It makes me feel better about myself knowing I can give you pleasure."

"I like making you feel good too, so let me know. Whatever it is okay?" Santana whispered and kissed Rachel's forehead. "I just don't want you to be upset anymore okay?"

"Okay," she nodded, wrapping and arm around Santana's waist and squeezing gently. "I'm sorry if I've made you worry. I don't want to feel like this." She sighed softly, "I'm trying to get better. Things just have seemed... overwhelming lately."

"They have been overwhelming, honestly. I know your hormones are still whacked out and whatever but you just need to talk, okay? I don't understand what you're going through, so you need to tell me when you want me to shut up or go away, alright?" Santana whispered as she leaned down and pulled her pants back up and curled back around Rachel.

"I don't ever want you to go away, Santana," she murmured, blinking against the aggravating stinging in her eyes that suggested she was on the edge of tears - again, "I just don't know how to explain how I feel. None of it feels right anymore. It's all confusing. The happiest I've been since he was born is when I'm holding him or feeding him or... or when you're holding me, but I don't want to be clingy and I know I should be able to get past this. It's just so hard sometimes and then I start crying and I can't stop."

"My dad said it's hormones and it will go away. Sometimes... sometimes I get like that too. I understand being depressed, I do. I just wish we could find out how to get you out of it..."

"Just be patient with me, please?" Rachel whimpered, snuggling close, "I promise I'm trying to get better. I want to be with you. I want to be Aaron's mom. I want to be better. I do."

"It's okay. You've helped me, it's my turn to help you." She whispered and wrapped them up in the blanket. "I love you and we'll be okay."

"Okay," Rachel mumbled, falling asleep nestled into Santana's side, the warmth of the taller girl soothing her tired mind to drift off.

Santana watched her for a few moments, kissing her softly before falling asleep soon after.