Shooting the Rapids - Chapter Fifteen
Title: Shooting the Rapids
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 67,706 / 105,220
Spoilers: Possible mentions of up to Season 2 finale
Pairing: Rachel/Santana
Summary: The sequel to Standing on a Precipice. Rachel and Santana have managed to survive the turbulent waters of the loss of Jesse and the shocking truth hidden in Santana’s marriage. Now two years later, new troubles arise with Shelby taking a stand in defense of her daughter against Santana’s "corruption" and the involvement of the tabloids as the couple becomes more and more drawn into the public eye. Kayla’s success in gymnastics brings interest from an unexpected direction and Santana has decided she wants to try again for a child of her own. Can they survive as a couple and help their children thrive amidst the chaos?
Warnings (highlight to read): Pregnancy, angst, children, non-con and drugging and talks thereof in later chapters
Chapter Fifteen
If they'd thought that Arianna being born would help reduce some of the stress in their household, they'd forgotten about the tabloids. Barely even two weeks after she came home, a photo spread hit the TMZ website depicting not only Santana but the baby in what was obviously their backyard. Star put out an exclusive about the "Lopez Love Child" with a shot that couldn't have been taken by a paparazzi.
Beth had been at the corner market picking up some bread and a fresh bottle of milk when she saw the glossy magazine and felt the blood drain out of her face. She'd grabbed the top copy - paying distractedly for it along with the groceries - and stared in shock, only taking her things and change when the clerk prompted her. She stumbled slightly over the lip of the door as she made her way outside to walk the short block to her home.
She knew the photo. She was certain she did. Unlocking the door when she reached her building, she rushed up the stairs to the small apartment she shared with her mom. Hurrying into her room, she opened up her laptop and clicked into her photos folder.
There it was.
She shook her head in disbelief, looking between the cover and the photo she'd just opened up. There was no getting past it. Somehow the photo she'd taken when she'd gone to see her new niece the week before had gotten published in a tabloid.
She felt nauseous thinking about it, but there was only one possibility to how they would have gotten it since she hadn't emailed the photo or even connected her laptop to the internet since uploading it from her camera to the laptop and showing her mom. She didn't want to admit it even as she stood on trembling legs and started shoving clothes and school books into her duffel bag. Tears blurred her vision and spattered her laptop as she shut it and pushed it into her bag.
Zipping it shut, she scrawled a note on a piece of scrap paper and left it sitting on her desk under her keys as she headed out the door.
Shelby,
I can't believe you did that to them. How could you? Rachel's your daughter and Santana loves her. I can't believe it but I can't stay with someone who would do something like that. What will you do if I date someone you don't like? Revile me? Try to tear my happiness away like you are hers?
You're not my mother. My mother would never do something so horrible.
Goodbye.
Beth
It took longer than usual to reach the St James-Lopez household since she missed her stop the first time because she was crying on the subway. She still couldn't believe her mom could do it, but every time she looked at the magazine clutched in her fist the facts glared back at her and she couldn't deny it. She knew how badly the tabloids hurt her sister and her girlfriend and she just didn't want to believe her mom would go so far to hurt Rachel.
She trudged up the front steps of the brownstone and rang the bell, her feet and shoulder aching from walking nearly a mile carrying a duffel packed with everything she cared about. She just prayed Santana would believe her when she told her she didn't sell the photo she'd been allowed to take of her niece.
Santana had just put the baby down for a nap when she heard the door. She went to the door. "Hey, chica." Santana smiled as she brought the girl in out of the cold. "What's up? Why are you crying?" She pushed the blonde's hair out of her eyes, "Talk to me, Beth. Are you okay?"
Beth sniffled, barely able to meet Santana's eyes through her tears. "I didn't do it, Aunt San. I swear I didn't. I'd never do that to you and Rachel. I just I wouldn't!"
Santana brought her into the house and sat her on the sofa. "What?" Santana was confused, "Don't cry, Beth. I have no idea what your talking about."
"I," Beth wiped at her eyes with the heel of her palm in a manner that was strongly reminiscent of her birth mother before handing Santana the crumpled magazine, "I saw it on the stand at the corner market near where I lived. I... I think Shelby did it. Why would she do that, Aunt San? Why?"
The older woman's eyes bore into the magazine cover. It was her and her daughter, the only images of the baby resided inside the family. "How... What? Love child? I can't even get pregnant naturally... Beth what's? Shelby? " Then it all clicked with the tabloids from before.
"Your mother is a fucking bitch," Santana swore. "Jesse was like a child to her and when Rachel cut her off from the kids... None of this is on you. You are family, you are. Wait...lived?"
"I can't stay there," the teen twisted the hem of her shirt in her hands, her breath shaky, "she's not my mom. My mom wouldn't do something like this. She wouldn't. I don't know her. I," she finally looked up at Santana, worried and distressed, "What if she does this to me? If she'd do this to Rachel..."
"She is your mom legally," Santana countered. "She and Rachel have always had issues, sweetheart. I don't think she'd do this to you, she's doing this to me but hurting everyone else."
Beth's brow furrowed and she shook her head. "I saw the tabloids that said Rachel was cheating with Noah. That wasn't about you. She made my sister look like a... a slut and a cheater because she doesn't like her being with you! It's not all about you, San." She sniffled again and wiped her eyes, "She's doing this to the kids and they don't deserve it. Neither does Rachel or you. I don't want to live with her anymore."
Santana pulled the girl into a hug. "Okay. Okay, sweetheart." Santana rubbed her back as her maternal instincts to protect her friend's biological child. "We'll figure all of this out and get it to be okay," she stayed silent for a few minutes and rocked the teen back and forth. " You'll stay here tonight, we'll figure this all out."
Beth sniffled and snuggled into the embrace. "Why does she have to be so mean, San? It's not right. Why can't she leave you and Rachel alone? Why can't she just be happy for you?"
"I don't know," she sighed. "We can figure this out, I promise and until then you can stay with us and the kids."
"Thank you," Beth whispered, snuggling into the older woman's side, "I'm so sorry this is happening."
"Me too," Santana sighed, "We can't choose family, but I love your sister and the kids love you and so do I. So it will be okay, I promise. We'll make it okay." she sighed, hearing Arianna crying as she spoke. "Let me go get the baby," she smiled as she went and got the infant.
As Santana walked away, Beth drew her feet up on the sofa, holding her knees close to her chest and burying her face in her duffel. She sighed softly with a quiet whimper. Everything was messed up. She didn't know how she could even look at her mom the same after what she did.
She looked up with a sad smile and little wave as Santana came back with Arianna. "Hi, Ari."
Santana sat back down cradling the baby. "Hi, Aunty Beth." She smiled and held the baby up to her. "Wanna snuggle with her? She's warm and smells like vanilla and lavender and she makes everything better." She smiled and kissed her daughter's hair.
"Can I?" Beth looked up at Santana from the baby hopefully, straightening up and sliding her duffel off her lap to the floor. "I didn't get to hold Alex or the others much cause I was too young and my mom was always around and stuff."
She smiled, as she slid the the baby into the blonde's arms. "Here you go." She put the bag off to the side and she sat back against the couch. "She likes you." Arianna's little arm lifted up and tangled in Beth's hair as she smiled and cooed.
Beth sniffed and laughed, bouncing the infant gently, "She's so warm, San! It's so awesome that you could have a baby with my sister." She leaned in and rubbed noses with Ari, giggling softly. "San? Why aren't you and Rachel married? You love each other enough, right?"
"Rachel's still married to Jesse." Santana shrugged as she ran her fingers over her daughter's feet. "I never thought I would have gotten divorced, I never believed in divorce and I don't really know." She sighed and offered the girl a soft smile. "I grew up when women couldn't get married when they loved each other. My religion still doesn't allow it, so I don't know what I think. I have your sister, I have my amazing children who I'm the legal parent of and I have Arianna who was made out of love."
"But," Beth looked up at Santana confusedly, "but Jesse died like... almost four years ago. And it's totally cool for two women to get married to each other. Tommy at school's moms are married." She frowned looking mildly distressed, hugging Ari to her chest, "Don't you wanna marry my sister?"
"I will be with her until I die," Santana assured her as she looked up from her child. "I love her more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. I would marry her if that's what she wanted, hell I'd do anything for her because she'd do anything for me. She was so amazing when I went through everything a few years back. She went through hell with me and she let me get strong enough to have this little amazing thing." She smiled again when she spoke about her daughter. "I never though I'd be able to have a child... so yeah, I'd do anything for Rachel."
Beth let out a little sigh, relieved, "Okay. As long as you like would and stuff." She smiled, "Ari's kinda awesome already."
"Yeah, she is." she stated proudly, taking her back and settling her in to eat as they talked. "You, my dear," she cocked her head to Beth, "Were the first baby I ever held."
Beth's eyes went wide. "Really? I knew you when I was just a baby?" Then her brow furrowed, confused, "But I didn't know Rachel until I was like Cale's age..."
"I knew your birth parents." she stated, as she readjusted her breast and the baby covering it. "I was really close friends with them back in the day," Santana smiled softly, "so I saw you when you were first born."
"Oh wow," Beth wiggled so she was leaning back against the arm of the couch, watching Santana with her knees drawn up to her chest. "What were they like? I mean, I kinda know Noah but like not really and stuff. I don't know my real mom at all..."
"Quinn was something else." Santana smiled fondly, "Pretty and blonde like you, and very smart. She was the head cheerleader and the town heartthrob, but she would never really date anyone because she was too good for that. She and I were friends forever..."
Beth nodded, resting her chin on her knees. "Quinn..." she breathed. "That's a pretty name. But if she didn't date anyone, where did I come from?" She looked worried, her mind - influenced by a certain brunette they both cared for - going to the worst possibilities.
"You, my dear, came from Quinn never having fun in life and not being allowed to do anything. Her dad was one of those dickhead people who control everything. Quinn liked Puck and they slept together one night and then he bounced - well, he tried to be with her but she was really, really scared." Santana sighed, "She was your age."
Beth looked nervous, fiddling with the sleeves of her shirt. "My age? That's really, really young. Shelby and Rachel both say I shouldn't sleep with a guy just cause I like him and he says he likes me. They say if he really likes me he'll wait until I'm ready and it's special." She turned her head so her cheek was resting against her knees, "Rachel told me Jesse waited for her and so did you and that's how she knew you were the ones for her."
"I know, sometimes that doesn't always happen." Santana admitted, "I agree with your mom and sister, it's your choice but at least you're educated. Your mom wasn't and you came along. She loves you so much, that's why she decided to give you up to Shelby. Q wanted you to have a better life than she did and prior to this recent craziness you have."
She sighed, a bit more dramatically than necessary. "I know. But I still wish I coulda known her." She scratched a little pattern on the knee of her jeans, "Rachel says I look like her, but I don't know, you know? She's my real mom and stuff, but I don't know like anything about her. Does she like the stuff I like? Is she anything like me? I don't know any of it..."
"I have some photos somewhere..." She looked around until she saw a dusty photo album on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. "There. Go grab it?" she asked as she pointed it out. "It has childhood pictures and some from high school."
"Really?" Beth beamed at Santana, scrambling off the sofa to go and retrieve the photo album. Cracking it open noisily as she returned to the sofa, she giggled. "Have you shared this album with Rachel?"
"Why?" She looked sideways trying to see the photo the girl was looking at.
Beth settled back on the sofa and turned the book to show three diaper clad toddlers - one with dark hair and the other two blondes - screaming and running in the mud under a sprinkler. "Cause I think she'd just love to see this one if she hasn't," she teased with a smirk.
"Aww, snap. The one holding my hand is Quinn, the one eating the mud? That was our friend Brittany." Santana smiled looking at the photo. "Good times." She removed her daughter and covered up before snuggling with the now sleepy infant.
"You all looked so happy," Beth brushed a finger over the photo with a wistful smile - Shelby moving around a lot and living in apartments had kept her from get a chance to form friends like in the photo. She turned the pages slowly, smiling to see her sister's girlfriend growing up in the pictures. Then she got to high school.
"You look so angry in most of these," Beth commented with a frown, "not like you are now..."
"I was angry." She shrugged, "Like Quinn, I wasn't who I wanted to be. I stifled myself to fit an image and I was very unhappy for many years. When I got to college, I married the first boy who told me he loved me." she sighed watching her baby as she slept.
"The first?" Beth looked up sadly, "Didn't anyone tell you they loved you before then? And," she frowned thinking for a moment, "and what about Rachel? She said you were friends in high school. Friends love each other, right?"
"I was hot and mean in high school. No one really liked being around me for more than physical reasons." She laid the baby down on her thighs so she could rub her stomach. "Except Quinn, Brit and even Rachel put up with my crap even though I was mean to her."
Santana shrugged, "And I thought that I was in love with him." She shrugged again, "It's all okay now." Looking down, she saw a picture of her and Quinn at graduation. "Ironically this was your second birthday."
"I think that maybe if you had given Rachel a chance in high school," Beth smiled shyly up at her from the page with a graduation shot of the seniors of Glee, "she would have been your friend. She's really loyal and from the way she talks about you back then and stuff, I think she liked you." She shrugged, "She thinks you were her friend in high school no matter how mean you say you were."
"I know. I had issues, but we're okay. We're amazing now so don't worry." she continued to rub her daughter's belly causing her to coo and smile. "So Quinn lives in Boston now as far as I'm aware."
"Boston?" Beth narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, "That's like not far, right? There's like trains to there and stuff."
"Yep, I can contact her if you want. Find out what she's doing. No pressure, sweetheart."
Beth nodded slowly, "I... think I'd like that. Meeting my mom - my real mom - and stuff, you know?" She looked uncertain in a way that reminded Santana of another blonde years earlier, "Do you think she'd want to meet me? Like do you think she'd want to like say hi and stuff? She never tried to contact me, San. Not like Noah does."
"She wanted to respect you by staying away." Santana stated. "I can't promise, but I'll email her as well. She's your birth parent, she's not your mom Beth, please don't think that she is. It's not something she wanted and you have to respect that okay?"
"Yeah." Beth shrugged, setting the photo album aside and hugging her knees again. "I never thought I'd be that much like my sister," she whispered softly, "not having a real mom and stuff. It's kinda sad."
"No matter what she's doing to us, Shelby loves you. We can contact Quinn, but I want you to be okay if she's not willing to give you what you want, okay?" Santana sighed, "She's amazing. She is someone who loves completely and it was really hard to give you up, but she did it for you."
"Okay, yeah. Sure." Beth murmured, shrugging again, resting her cheek on her knees so she wouldn't have to look at Santana and show how upset she was. After everything she'd discovered Shelby had done to Rachel - someone else she claimed to love - she wasn't willing to believe that the woman loved anyone but herself. And maybe Jesse. Quinn didn't want her either. Right then, she didn't feel like anyone really wanted her and it was hard to keep from crying.
Santana rested the baby on the chair before coming over and hugging the blonde. "We love you so much, Beth. We will always want you and love you no matter what, okay?"
"Uh-huh." She just nodded into her knees with a little sniffle, letting Santana hug her wishing that the people who were supposed to love and want her would. The woman she'd always called her mom was behaving irrationally vindictive towards her birth daughter - leaving her no choice but to believe she would do the same or worse to her no matter what Santana said. The woman who'd given birth to her didn't want her. She just didn't know where she belonged any longer.
Santana kissed her head. "You can stay with me and Rachel, okay?" she murmured, rubbing the girl's back.
Beth shrugged again, but let herself lean into Santana as she sniffled softly, trying not to cry. "Okay. I guess."
"You can cry, sweets." Santana whispered, rubbing Beth's back. "You're okay. We'll figure everything out and it'll get better."
Beth whimpered softly before throwing her arms around Santana and crying into her shoulder. "Why is so hard?!" she sobbed brokenly, her words muffled by Santana's shoulder, "I just want to fit somewhere!"
"I know," she whispered comforting the teenager. "I know everything sucks right now, but we love you so much and we will try to make everything okay." she rocked her back and forth silently wishing for Rachel to come home.
It was a few hours later before Rachel managed to make it home from a long day in the office. She'd been caught up in meetings all day and barely had an opportunity to eat lunch, let along call home. She was tired, aching and all she really wanted to do was take a hot bath and curl up in her girlfriend's arms.
She dropped her things at the table by the door, tossing her keys into the little bowl and relocking the door behind her as she toed out of her shoes with a soft sigh of relief. Padding into the kitchen following the delightful aroma of brewing tea, she smiled tiredly to see Santana standing by the stove fixing two mugs. "Have I mentioned lately that you are amazing and it is entirely possible that you were sent from God himself?"
"You think that now." She smiled and turned around and kissed her girlfriend softly. "We missed you today." she whispered her arms wrapping around Rachel's waist. "The kids are all asleep." She smiled and pulled away to continue fixing the tea. "How was your day?"
"I think that always. And my day was long," she pressed a light kiss to her lover's cheek as she worked, "and tiring. Could I possibly talk you into a hot bath and extended cuddle session?" She pouted hopefully.
"I think that would be amazing." She smiled and carried the two mugs into the bathroom, putting them on the counter and leaning down to start the water in the claw-footed bath tub. "Just leave the door open a crack so we can listen for the baby." She asked quietly as she went behind Rachel and started helping her disrobe.
"Of course," Rachel murmured with a quiet smile, unfastening her skirt and shimmying out of it, working to get the rest of her clothes off before helping Santana finish with hers, pressing a light kiss to a tanned shoulder. "When did I get so lucky to fall in love with such an amazing woman?" she whispered against warm skin with a smile, "How was your day, love?"
Santana sighed and pulled away to finish pulling off her clothing and moving to sit in the tub before helping Rachel climb in and settle between her legs. She pulled Rachel back and held her silently for a few moment before speaking. "Beth's asleep in Kayla's room. Expect an angry call from Shelby in the morning."
"What?" Rachel looked back over her shoulder worriedly, "Why? What's going on?"
"A very long story short?" Santana rested her chin on Rachel's shoulder, "Beth ran away."
"What?!" She sat up straight with a splash, looking at Santana in shock, "Why?! Is she okay? Did something happen?"
"She was at the corner store and she looked at those trashy magazines... and one of them had a photo she recognized on it. It was me and Arianna from last weekend." She sighed, "Beth realized that Shelby got the photo off her computer and sold it to the tabloids. Rachel, she's got to be the one who was triggering the stories from a few months ago..."
Rachel slumped back against Santana with an unhappy sigh. "I should have guessed, I suppose." She shook her head, "I didn't want to think my own mother could do something so horrible." Her shoulders dropped and she seemed to almost melt against Santana, "And to involve Beth?" She sighed again, "She's not my mother, Santana, not after this. She never has been and she now never will be. I just wish I could have realized it sooner before she managed to hurt all of us so much. Is Beth okay?"
"No," Santana sighed, "I was sure for about five minutes that she was gonna bounce and go try to find Quinn." She picked up the washcloth and started rubbing it over Rachel's arms. "I calmed her down a bit. She wants to meet Quinn, I'm going to see if I can make that happen... but she doesn't know what to do now she feels like she's been thrown away twice now."
Rachel sighed wearily, "Unfortunately, I know exactly how that feels. Damn Shelby for being such a stupid, selfish bitch." She reached up and rubbed tiredly at her face. "Do you believe Quinn will be up to meeting Beth? In a positive fashion? She really does not need to be rejected by her birth mother at sixteen like I was. Better that she not meet her at all than to have that happen."
"I'm gonna email Quinn tomorrow." Santana said, "I'm gonna talk to her and figure out if that's something she she can handle. If she can't, I warned Beth that it might not happen. I don't want her to get hurt like you were." She kissed Rachel's shoulder and sighed, "I want to let her stay here if that's okay with you. Until we figure all this out."
"Of course she can stay." She didn't even hesitate, "Though we may have to take steps to protect ourselves from legal repercussions from Shelby while she does so. Speaking of legal repercussions," her brows furrowed as her expression darkened, "Shelby had best be watching for some of her own. I have every intention of speaking to a lawyer regarding her engaging in both slander and libel about us."
"I'm really tired of being in the tabloids, Rachel. Our kids can read now, it's not as easy to hide it. Our daughter's face was plastered all over the papers, our three week old..." She looked at Rachel, "I can't live like we did last time. I can't handle it."
"I know," she nodded with a sigh, letting her head rest against Santana's shoulder and tangling the fingers of one of her hands with one of Santana's, "I don't want to go back there either. We're not public figures. There's no reason we should be being plastered all over those nasty papers. I'm certain we can get a court order or something to make them stop."
"I'll call my lawyer in the morning." Santana said softly as she hugged her girlfriend. "Your daughter missed you today."
Rachel turned, the water lapping almost over the edge of the tub as she did, so she could straddle Santana's lap and kiss her lover, wanting the distraction, "Mmhmm? Which one?" She teased, leaning her forehead against Santana's as her arms wrapped loosely around her neck. "It's such a fascinating thing to be able to ask that question about my girls."
The darker woman rolled her eyes and leaned up to kiss the woman softly, her hands resting on Rachel's thighs then sliding around to her ass. "The little one that lives half the day on my boob," she replied with a smirk.
"Oh? Just her?" Rachel rubbed her nose against Santana's with a smirk, "Her mommy didn't miss me any?"
"Maybe," She whispered, her lips descending onto Rachel's neck to suck gently as she stroked the soft skin of Rachel's thighs.
"Aw, only maybe?" Rachel pouted, caressing Santana's sides with a soft shiver as the other woman sucked on her neck.
"Mmhm," Santana mumbled against the woman's skin, she brought one of her hands up so she could cup Rachel's breast and roll her hardening nipple between her fingers as she continued nipping and sucking on the woman's neck.
She took in a shuddery breath, leaning back slightly to make it easier for Santana to touch her. "Mmm," she breathed, trying to keep her voice as even as possible, "you always know how to relax me when I'm tense..."
"Oh do I?" Santana smiled as she moved her left hand and down to slide through Rachel's folds and gently and slowly stroke the woman's clit. "Is that making anything better?" Santana asked, one of her other fingers moving down to press against the woman's entrance. She pressed against it slightly as she continued to run her thumb over Rachel's nerve.
Rachel trembled in her arms. "Yes," she gasped, her voice trembling and soft. Her arms tightened around Santana's neck and her lips parted to let her pant for breath as she tried to focus on keeping control. "Please don't tease," she whispered, listening to the water lap against the sides of the tub as she rolled her hips trying to bring Santana's questing finger into her body.
"Maybe I want to hear you beg." Santana whispered into her ear as she continued to slip the tip of her finger inside Rachel.
She barely managed to open her eyes as she rolled her hips with a soft whimper. "Please, Santana. Please. Just touch me. I need you inside. Please..."
"Mmm," Santana whimpered and pulled back and pushed two fingers into Rachel. She pulled back again and curled them on the second thrust. She leaned in and captured Rachel's nipple between her lips as she quickly fucked her girlfriend.
Rachel whined softly, burying her face against Santana's shoulder, her teeth sinking into the crook of her neck to try and muffle her cries as her body spasmed under her lover's ministrations. She bucked her hips, water sloshing over the sides of the tub as her nails dug into Santana's back, dragging over the skin. Her muscles tensed and clenched around her fingers, her core slick with arousal even with the water of the tub sluicing it away.
"Fuck," Santana gasped at the feeling of sharp teeth against her neck. "You feel so good." She tripled the effort on her wrist, her fingers moving hard and fast within her lover. "God, your pussy is crushing my fingers." She whimpered as she curled her digits and pressed against the harder patch buried deep within Rachel.
Rachel came hard, barely managing to choke back her vocalizations with a fast and almost rough kiss, pulling Santana into her with insistent hands on the back of her neck. Her walls closed on Santana's fingers, clenching them tightly as she shuddered. Her breath came fast, her heart pounding so hard against her chest that it was almost certain Santana could feel throbbing where their chests pressed tightly together.
Slowly coming down from her high she kissed the bite mark she'd left on the other woman's neck with a bashful smile. "Maybe we need a night or just a few hours alone to... reacquaint ourselves with this aspect of our relationship?" Her hands were still trembling with the force of her orgasm as she brought them up to cup Santana's breasts, squeezing gently even as her core continued to spasm around her lover's fingers.
Santana held her closely, "I think that sounds perfect." the darker woman panted out as she let out a soft shudder. She wasn't sure if it was arousal or the fact the water in the had gotten cold. "We should get out of this cold water." Santana kissed Rachel's pout away when she removed her fingers from her lover and she quickly washed herself and Rachel. Rachel climbed out with shaking legs and wrapped herself in a towel and handed Santana her robe.
She was watching Santana as the water slid off of her body - maybe a little out of shape still from the pregnancy, but still amazingly beautiful - barely able to snap out of it enough to help Santana into her robe. As her arms wrapped the terry cloth around her lover, she rose up as best she could on shaky legs to whisper in her ear. "I know it's only been three weeks and we're supposed to wait at least six, but I would dearly like to touch you if I'm permitted..."
"I... don't know." Santana whispered, her body reacting as she wrapped her arms around Rachel. She wasn't comfortable with her body since her pregnancy. She had been too tired to be able to work out as much as she wanted to because of the firs week and a half of Alex waking Arianna all the time, and the second week of trying to adjust into some schedule and working a bit from home. She was nervous, her body was awkward and didn't feel like her own. Santana also didn't know if it was medically safe for her to have sex yet. "Did you and J-jesse... this soon after?"
Rachel kissed her softly. "In certain ways, yes. Not... entirely, but there was pleasure involved. A little pain sometimes because things are sore, but if you want it, I know what's allowed." She reached up and brushed back damp hair with a loving smile, not pushing for anything Santana wasn't ready for. "But I only want to if you want it and feel ready. If you have any hesitation, I would be sufficiently happy to be allowed to hold you tonight instead."
Santana swallowed a bit as she thought, "I don't... I don't think I'm ready." She whispered, "I'm sorry." she looked down to the ground trying to hide how she was feeling. She pulled away and picked up the tea mugs, "I'll.. I'll go heat these up and bring it to you in our room." She stated before quickly scurrying away into the kitchen and putting the mugs into the microwave.
Rachel frowned at how quickly Santana ran away, setting herself to cleaning up the mess they made and going to change into her pajamas before heading to the kitchen after her absent lover. She found her standing near the microwave, watching the mugs inside heat. Coming up behind her, she wrapped her arms around her waist and leaned against her back.
"It's okay to not be ready yet, Santana," she whispered softly. "When I had Kayla it was almost two months before I was ready to make love with Jesse again. I understand, sweetheart." She hugged her gently.
"I just wanna look better before we're like that again." Santana admitted, "I don't like how I look right now and I don't feel like I'm myself yet." She leaned back against Rachel's body with a sigh. "I just don't feel very sexy or anything. I spend like 90% of my day in yoga pants and a old shirt covered in breast milk and baby puke." She sighed and turned her head against Rachel's shoulder.
"You mean you look rather like I did during much of the beginning of our entirely unusual courtship? And I was grieving as well so I likely appeared even worse," Rachel teased gently, kissing Santana's cheek as she held her. "Was I entirely unsexy during that time? Because I certainly felt that way."
"No. You were beautiful. You always have been beautiful." Santana sighed and turned around to wrap her arms around Rachel's shoulders. "I fell in love with you when you were looking like that, just so you know."
Rachel smiled softly up at her lover. "I may have fallen in love with you before this, but, Santana, every time I look at you now, I'm reminded that you brought our beautiful little girl into the world. And you're taking such good care of her." She shook her head, "And every time I think of that, I love you more than I did the moment before. You are beautiful to me."
She kissed her softly - no demands in the press of lips, just love. "Even at your most exhausted and frazzled, you're still utterly breathtaking to me. I've never known anyone sexier. Even covered in breast milk and baby puke," she teased.
"Thanks." She said softly, "Can we go lay down?" Santana forgot about the tea and followed Rachel into their room. Arianna was laying in her bassinet next to the bed. She was too exhausted after dinner and working on homework with the three other kids and Beth to move her bed back into the nursery.
"Sorry. She took a nap in her when Beth went to bed on the pullout couch in her room." Santana explained. They had bought a pull out couch for the nursery so they could have another quiet place in the room and so they could have a place for Beth to sleep when she came over and when Alex wanted to be close to his baby sister.
"It's okay," Rachel smiled, climbing into bed and holding the blankets back for Santana, "It's nice to have her close sometimes. I'll even get up for her nightly diaper change so you can rest. Now please change into your preferred sleep garb so I may indulge in my urge to have you in my arms."
Santana rolled her eyes at her verbose girlfriend and quickly changed into sleep pants and a tank top. She moved over to their sleeping daughter and looked at her tiny body that was covered in a dark purple sleep-suit and slipped the Batman blanket over her little legs, tucking it in securely so she couldn't wiggle it over her face. She pressed a soft kiss to her tanned skin and smiled, "See you soon baby girl." She straightened up and slid into bed with Rachel.
"She'll wake up in a few hours for a feeding. I hope she gets bigger soon. She can't eat a lot right now and just eats more often." Santana pouted as she cuddled into her girlfriend's side and slipped under the blankets.
Rachel tucked the blankets around them and wrapped her arms around Santana. "She's a baby and you remember how often Alex fed. But in another week or so, we can start doing bottle training so I can help with that and let you sleep, okay?" She kissed her girlfriend softly, snuggling close.
The new mother all but pouted, "You didn't bottle feed Alex until he was older... She was premature I want to breastfeed so she can get her immune system stronger. You didn't train Alex till like three months." Santana pouted and rested her head on Rachel's chest.
Rachel laughed softly, running her fingers through Santana's hair. "I didn't wean him to bottle only until after three months, but I did do some bottle training early so that David and Maria, my fathers and you could help, if you recall. And I still was feeding him with breast milk. I never used formula."
"I did see your boobs a whole lot before we got together." She smiled, "Can we wait a bit longer to bottle train her?" Santana pouted, she loved the connection she had with her daughter. She loved the quiet moments in the wee hours of the morning between she and the baby while everyone else as sleeping. "She's just so little... She gets so cold easily and I can make sure she's warm when I feed her."
"Yes, of course we can," Rachel couldn't bear to deny Santana that special feeling of closeness with her child - even if she longed to share it in some way - so she smiled and kissed her lover's hair. "We can wait as long as you want."
"I know it's selfish," Santana whispered, looking away from her partner. She knew that Rachel deserved to have that connection with their daughter and she never wanted to deny that, but a part of Santana knew that this was the only time she would ever be able to have this. She wouldn't be able to have another child, it was hard enough getting pregnant with Arianna and she was going to be 33 soon and the risks were starting to greater and the change of success lower with each year.
"It's not selfish," Rachel sighed as Santana looked away and reached up to turn her chin gently back towards her. "Look at me, Santana. It's not selfish to want to give your baby girl the best chance she has. Why would you think it's selfish?"
"Because you're her mom too." Santana whispered, her hormones still slightly out of whack. "I feel bad that you're at work and I'm here all day and she wants you sometimes, I know she does. You can get her to stop crying better than I can. You're the only one she doesn't scream for when you give her a bath. She wants you and I can't be you and the other kids want you too and I need you but you're at work because my stupid ass company loves you and I just really needed you today with Beth." She gasped out as she started to cry, her eyes wet with tears as she tried to calm herself down.
Rachel wrapped her arms around Santana and held her close. "Whenever you need me, call me and I'll come. I don't care where I am or what I'm doing. My family comes first. You come first. I promise you. That's all you have to do."
She rocked her gently. "I told you once that I don't care about the company. I work there because you need me to and it makes you happy. That's still true. There is nothing I do there that can't be postponed or rescheduled if my family needs me. So the next time you need me to be here, you pick up the phone and you call me and I will be home as soon as I possibly can. Okay?"
Santana curled into Rachel's arms, her body still wracked with silent sobs as she clung to her lover. It took a little while but the darker woman finally started to calm down. She remained silent and snuggled up with Rachel until Arianna started to fuss. She slid over and picked her up and pulled her top off and settled the baby to her breast. As Arianna sleepily sucked Santana reached over and intertwined her fingers with Rachel's.
"I love you," she whispered, her voice scratchy from crying so hard. "You have given me everything I have ever wanted and I love you for that." She let Arianna finish before she settled the infant onto Rachel's chest over her heart, smiling as the baby cooed and nuzzled into her other parent's chest. "Arianna says I love you mama." Santana whispered as she laid back down and watched them.
"I love her too," Rachel whispered, gently brushing her fingers through the infant's fine hair and watching her with a soft smile. "And I love her mother," she looked over at Santana, squeezing their intertwined fingers, "so very much. More than I ever thought I would again."
Between her long day, the warmth of the baby on her chest, and the proximity of the woman she loved, she couldn't resist the heaviness in her eyes. She slowly drifted off, free arm curled protectively over Arianna as she slept listening the the steady rhythm of her second mother's heart.
Chapter Sixteen