Shooting the Rapids - Chapter Three
Title: Shooting the Rapids
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 8,147 / 105,220
Spoilers: Possible mentions of up to Season 2 finale
Pairing: Rachel/Santana
Summary: The sequel to Standing on a Precipice. Rachel and Santana have managed to survive the turbulent waters of the loss of Jesse and the shocking truth hidden in Santana’s marriage. Now two years later, new troubles arise with Shelby taking a stand in defense of her daughter against Santana’s "corruption" and the involvement of the tabloids as the couple becomes more and more drawn into the public eye. Kayla’s success in gymnastics brings interest from an unexpected direction and Santana has decided she wants to try again for a child of her own. Can they survive as a couple and help their children thrive amidst the chaos?
Warnings (highlight to read): Pregnancy, angst, children, non-con and drugging and talks thereof in later chapters
Chapter Three
It was a lazy fall weekend, outside it was storming and the wind was blowing in strong gusts causing the windows to rattle. All three kids had gone down for a nap, which almost never happened now that Kayla was 9. Santana stretched out on the bed in the master bedroom reading through a book about IVF and it's effects to a woman's body.
To say Santana was nervous about a lot of things was an understatement. She had decided on two donors, they were both Jewish and performers and genetically perfect for her to use. She wanted to do this soon, she had just turned 33 and she wanted to have the baby and not have a huge gap between the other kids. But, she was nervous. Between the lingering fear of having a failed pregnancy again and the fact that she was having a child with a woman who already had three. She wasn't sure. She knew Rachel wanted the baby, but she was nervous that Rachel hadn't even though that they'd try to make it hers too... and for that matter that the other three didn't have any ties to Santana other than that she paid for everything. Santana sighed, rolling over onto her back and covering her face with her arm as she listened to the rain beat down on the windows to try to ignore her head.
Rachel came in a little later having finished getting everything prepped and put in the crockpot for dinner later. Seeing her girlfriend in bed, she smiled and crossed to the bed, crawling in and wrapping her arm around Santana. Dropping a kiss to her shoulder, she propped her head up with her free hand and smiled down at her lover. "What deep thoughts have you hiding in here, beautiful?"
"Just over thinking." Santana sighed, uncovering her eyes and smiling at her girlfriend. "I was reading about the IVF and the like rate of it taking and miscarriages and whatever." She slid the book onto the table. "I know I want this, i'm just nervous. I mean it's a big change for everyone. What if the kids don't want another sibling? Will they even think it's their brother or sister if they don't look alike or are related?" Santana asked softly.
"But they are related, sweetheart, in the most important way," she leaned down and kissed her lover softly, "in here." Her hand rested gently over Santana's heart. "Don't worry about the children. They're young and they'll adapt. You're going to get pregnant and you are going to give birth to a beautiful and healthy baby and I'm going to be right beside you the entire time, okay? You can't get rid of me now, you know."
Santana sighed and just jumped off the cliff she had been living on since Sue decided to point out that she had no ties to the children other than loving them. "Rachel... I... on the forms for IVF there is a spot for a second parent signature. I want you to be the baby's parent legally." She burst out and closed her eyes after she did.
For a second, Rachel felt like her heart must have stopped beating in her chest. She couldn't help the slow, almost bewilderedly happy smile growing on her face as she regarded the amazingly wonderful woman she loved. "You... You do?" Her voice trembled slightly with the sheer strength of the emotions she was feeling.
She hadn't thought - hadn't allowed herself to even dream - of being a legal parent to Santana's child. When Santana hadn't said anything, Rachel had just assumed that the woman liked the arrangement with regards to their children and didn't want to do anything differently with regards to her own. She'd resigned herself to having no bond the courts would recognize with the child and had despaired of ever bringing up the legal status of Santana regarding her children.
Santana's head bounced up and down with a nod, "I know that the other three have two parents and I understand my place in that..." she swallowed tightly, "I... I want my child to have two parents too. I want him or her to know what that love feels like." She whispered and played with a string on the bedspread. "Like I understand if you don't want to... I'll understand."
"Don't...?" Rachel shook her head, "No! No, that's not it at all! I want that!" She grasped one of Santana's hands and held it to her heart, "I want that more than you could know, Santana. And as for the other three... you're right. They do have two parents... and one deceased father." She brought the hand she was holding up to her lips, pressing her lips against the knuckles.
"My love for them knows that. I love them even more everyday..." Santana swallowed, "but as Sue pointed out at Kayla's meet... I can't do anything for them, I cant even take them to get a freaking library card or pick them up from school without permission from you and my ID..."
Rachel swallowed and licked her lips. She'd been wondering how to bring this up for months, but for as long as Santana didn't seem interested in bringing it up, she'd started to believe that the question would be unwelcome. "But..." she paused to collect her thoughts, licking her lips again before continuing softer than before, "But I want you to be able to do all that. I want you to be their parent, Santana, the same as I am. I just," she glanced away, biting her lip and looking troubled, "I didn't think you wanted that..."
"It's all I want." Santana said quietly as she rolled over to face Rachel. "I want that. Ever since Alex called me ma. But, I don't know if Cale and Kayla want that." she stated her fingers running over Rachel's face. "I don't want to keep shaking up their lives."
"We can talk to them, Santana," Rachel whispered, cupping Santana's hand against her face and turning her head to kiss the palm, "But the only way you can shake up their lives is by walking out on us. You are their parent. This would just be a legal formality. I just," she looked at Santana as if she were the most amazing thing she'd ever seen, tears sparkling in her eyes as she whispered, "I'm so happy right now... I didn't think you wanted... I had no idea how to ask... God, you're amazing."
Santana leaned over and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. "I didn't know how to ask ether. I was scared it's too soon. I know you're still in love with Jesse and he's the kids' father and I'd never want to try to even take his place... But I love you with everything I am. You stayed - you stayed - when I was at my lowest. When I was scared to be touched or loved by you. I want you to mother my child. I want you to pick the final sperm donor. I want to have this baby with you and continue raising the children together as a family..." She blurted out, having held it in for so long she didn't know how to hold those words back any longer.
"Of course I still love Jesse, Santana." Rachel finally spoke as Santana trailed off, "He was my husband, the father of my children, and he was stolen from us far too soon. But," she rolled them so she was laying on top of the taller woman, her hands brushing through her hair, "I love you too. With the same intense passion that I loved him. Sometimes I'm afraid I might grow to love you more, other times I'm afraid I already do. You're it for me, Santana. Do you understand that? I don't want anyone else," she shook her head, "if anything ever happened to you - if you were taken from us like he was - I don't want anyone else. I'll wait until my time comes and I can be with the other halves of my heart again."
Rachel leaned down and kissed her slowly, lovingly, "I want to share the rest of my life with you. I want my family to be yours. I want to raise the children with you. Don't you understand that I want what you want? That I want to be the first to hold your child after you. That I want to be there as they grow up and hear them call me Ma or Mommy the way Alex does with you. I want to be there every step of the way, from their first breath until their wedding day and their children - our grandchildren - are born, grow up and marry the ones they love. Because that is how important to me you are, how much I love you, and what I want with you, Santana Lopez. I want to grow old beside you..."
Santana was crying, she knew she was and she didn't try to hide it. She rested her hands on Rachel's hips and pressed their foreheads together. "I love you." She whispered, her lips moving minuscule amounts to rest upon Rachel's. She kissed her softly, little butterfly kisses of dry lips pressing together. After a moment Santana pulled away, "I love you more than anything." She smiled and rolled them to face each other side, by side. She ran her fingers through Rachel's hair, her eyes memorizing every inch of her lover's face.
"I will never leave you." Santana stated, "No matter what. You are stuck with me and if you're lucky we can die together in some seriously romantic nature. But I want you in my life forever and always."
"Well, if it's alright with you," Rachel smirked teasingly, "I'd rather not die at all. But if I must, I think that the only way I'd consider romantic would be in your arms in our bed when we're at least one hundred. Preferably older. I want every moment I can have with you. I've learned none of us are permitted forever or guaranteed a full life together, so I have no intention of squandering what I have with you. Now, since I have been entirely cowardly about asking up until this point, Santana, would you consider petitioning for a second-parent adoption of my children? Make them, legally, as much yours as mine and Jesse's?"
"We should do that." Santana said, "I made you my emergency contact for medical stuff and I would like to be able to make you my legal power of attorney if something ever happened to me or our baby... I want to be the second parent to the kids. I would love that more than anything." She smiled and kissed rachel again softly. "Do you think we should ask them first? Tell them were thinking about having a baby and that I want to adopt them?" she cocked her head to the side. "Or do you think we should just do it and tell them when they're older? Not like it changed anything or whatever."
Rachel snuggled close, "I want you to be my contact and power of attorney and all that as well. But, I believe we should talk to them and explain what's happening. They may be young, but I believe if we explain it right, then they can understand. Especially about you having a baby to add to our family and give them another little brother or sister."
"I agree. I'm worried about Kayla." Santana said as she rested her head on Rachel's. "She had day's where she hates me and wants Jesse... then there are day's where she acts like she's okay with us." She sighed as she wrapped her arms around the girl. "I'm just saying what if she doesn't want this?"
"Santana, you may believe it or not, but my daughter loves you. Even when she says she hates you." Rachel gently kissed her neck, "She even says she hates me sometimes. And of course she misses and wants her father. No little girl should have to lose her daddy like she did. But she'll be okay. We can explain you're not trying to take his place, that she doesn't have to call you anything she doesn't want to. It'll be okay, love."
"I know." she sighed, "I just know I would have hated whomever my father married after my mom died," she tangled their fingers together. "I just want her to be happy and to love the baby as much as she loves Alex. I know the boys will be okay and be hoping for a brother, but I just wonder what she's thinking sometimes." Santana sighed and nuzzled Rachel's neck with soft kisses.
Rachel let a soft moan escape her lips at the gentle kisses, "Sweetheart, you're not replacing her father. You're not some strange man coming," her breath caught in her throat as Santana nuzzled a particularly sensitive spot, "into her life wanting her to call you Daddy and take his place. You're her Santi and she loves you even when she's angry or having a terrible day and tells you she doesn't. You," she bit her lip, "you saw how upset and scared she was when you were in the hospital, beautiful. And, Santana, unless the rest of you intends on following through with the promises your lips are making, I would advise you to restrain your kisses or at least to restrict them to less sensitive areas of my person. You know what happens to me when you kiss my neck like that."
Santana pulled back and kissed her lips. "Raincheck?" she smiled cuddling into her girlfriends side. "The babies are gonna get up soon," she wrapped her arms around the girl and smiled. "so I'll call Marcus in the morning."
Rachel shivered, cuddling close, "There had better be a raincheck, Ms Lopez, and don't you think for a moment that I won't be redeeming it. I love it when you touch me after all." She pressed a kiss to the corner of Santana's jaw. "When you call Marcus, be sure to ask him about petitioning for a second-parent adoption of our children and," she bit her lip and glanced up shyly, "could you perhaps ask him if he would assist me with constructing a durable and medical power of attorney for you regarding me? You're the only one I want making decisions for me if anything ever happens."
Santana nodded. "I can do that." she smiled and kissed her softly. "I will also let my dad know what were doing, but I'm not tellin' him about the idea of a baby until I get knocked up and then not until at least 12 weeks."
"Don't say knocked up, it sounds so crude. But... Your dad?" Rachel sounded a bit hesitant, "Will he be okay with that? With you having a child with me? I know he cares for the children and he seems accepting of my being your girlfriend, but...are you sure?"
"Yes," she stated, "I've told him I'm interested in looking into it. That I kind of want to have one with you, he was excited. Then again he was excited about Alejandra. He's just wanting me to reproduce," she smiled and snuggled into Rachel. "He knows I want this and he wants it for me... For us."
"If you're certain," Rachel murmured, tightening her hold around Santana, "I just want your family to approve of us being together."
From outside their room came the soft rustling of little feet and Rachel smiled at her lover with a wink as their door creaked open to reveal three little heads peeking around the door. They knew better than to open the door without knocking, but in that moment, Rachel didn't want to scold them. She just nodded at them and they came tumbling into the room, Kayla helping her little brothers up onto the bed before carefully clambering up herself. With some minor bickering and wrestling, they managed to get situated into a rather ungainly but very warm cuddle pile.
"So many little people!" Santana said as she rolled on her back and Alex nestled on her chest. Cale laid in the space between the two women and Kayla snuggled with her mom. "Did you have a good nap?"
"Uh-huh," Kayla muttered, still not entirely awake, Cale and Alex having woke her up after a big thunder crash. "Still sleepy, though."
"Wanna sleep with you and Mama, Santa," Cale yawned, cuddling closer to Santana. "Lex and me don't like the thunder. Too loud."
Alex grabbed hold of a handful of Santana's shirt and did his best to bury his face against her. "Bad boom, Mommy," he whimpered.
"Mama and I will protect you with our bubble of love." she said making a bubble with her arms over the 5 of them. "See, babies? All better?" she smiles and wrapped an arm around him.
Kayla scoffed, "That's not a bubble and I'm not a baby." But she snuggled in closer to Rachel's side as a loud crack of thunder pealed, making Cale jump and Alex squeal, cuddling closer to Santana out of fear.
Rachel just held her close with a soft chuckle, "Of course, you aren't, little star. But, since we're all here, Santana and I would like to ask you guys something important." She leaned down to kiss the top of Kayla's head. "How would the three of you feel if Santana adopted you and became your parent legally just as much as I or Daddy is?"
Santana bit her lip and waited for the answer.
"Have two mommys?" Cale asked as he tilted his head and looked at his mom.
"Only if you want her to be, sweetheart. She's still your Santa, okay?" Rachel smiled softly at her middle child, reaching up to tousle his hair, "You don't have to call her anything different if you don't want to."
"She's not my Daddy," Kayla groused, "Kids are only supposed to have two parents. I have two. You and Daddy."
Rachel sighed, "Yes, Kayla. And Santana isn't looking to take Daddy's place. This is just so other people know that she takes care of you the same as I do and if anything happens and I can't be there, you can call her and she can take care of you. And," she glanced over their heads to smile softly at her girlfriend, "when Santana has a little boy or girl, they'll be your brother or sister, the same as Alex and Cale."
Alex lifted his head up, "Baby?" he asked, he thought for a second before wiggling down to poke Santana's bellybutton. "Baby inside, Mommy?"
"No, mijo, not yet." she laughed and tugged him back up. "I'm thinking about having a baby... Would that be okay with you guys?"
Kayla chewed her lip, hugging Rachel tight, "I guess."
"A baby?" Cale sat up looking excitedly at Santana, "Like Alex was? All little and bitty?"
Santana was feeling awkward about Kayla's reaction, she just sighed and closed her eyes. "Yeah buddy. All little and baby-like. I don't know yet though so... It might not happen." She whispered, trying to not think about how much it hurt to think about Kayla hating the baby or not even being able to get pregnant.
Rachel nudged her daughter, pointing her chin at Santana to point out how sad she looked after Kayla's less than enthusiastic response. The little girl sighed and hugged her mom tight. She didn't want to be forgotten again like she was when her mom was pregnant with Cale and Alex. She just wanted to know she still had a place in the family with her Daddy gone and Santana coming in and wanting to have a baby - one more brother probably too. She loved her brothers, but they were frustrating sometimes. She just wanted someone like her to look up to her like Alex did Cale.
But she didn't want Santana feeling bad either. "You'll be a good mom," she whispered, barely audible over the rain, "Like you are with us. Your baby is gonna be real lucky and special, Santi."
Santana smiled softly and reached over and cupped the little girl's chin. "I'm gonna need your help, because you are a big girl and most of all you are my friend, Kayla." She stated as she looked at her girlfriend and her daughter.
"Really?" Kayla looked as if she didn't quite believe her, "Mama never needed my help..."
"Of course I did, sweetheart!" Rachel responded, slightly shocked that her daughter felt that way, "And you helped me in the most important ways. You helped set the table and with cooking for everyone. Helped me with the laundry and cleaning the house. And, if it wasn't for you calling 911," she kissed the top of her daughter's head, "we might not have gotten to meet Alex. He could have died if it wasn't for you helping, little star."
"This is why I know you're gonna be awesome with the youngest of our not so little family." Santana smiled and snuggled them into a closer little ball, Alex had fallen asleep on her chest again and Cale was on his way to sleep. "I want you to wanna be a big sister again, but I'll understand if you don't want to." she said honestly as she looked at the two women in her life.
Kayla chewed on her lower lip as she thought - an unconscious echo of her mom. Finally she let out a long breath - not quite a sigh - and nodded, her lip still caught between her teeth. "Okay. But is it bad if I don't want another little brother?" She looked worriedly between her mom and Santana, afraid she may have just said something awful.
Santana laughed, "No sweetie. I kinda wanna give you a sister, but you and I both know only god can decide that." she leaned over and kissed the girls head. "So, if it's a boy or a girl we'll be happy okay? But, we still need to see if I can get pregnant so it's not happening right this second." She smiled and pushed the little girl's brown hair off her face. "But no matter what? Your mom and I love you and your daddy loves you. You're our girl okay?" She reminded the girl.
Kayla nodded. "Uh-huh. I know. Okay. But," she smiled slowly and more than a bit cheekily, "I really don't want another smelly brother. I'll love him like the bratty brothers I already have if that's what God gives you, but I'd really, really like a little sister. Okay?" She wiggled over her mom to hug Santana tight, whispering in her ear, "Love you, Santi. Thank you for being here for us."
"Thank you for letting me." Santana whispered back, "I love you and I love your mom. Nothing will ever be more important than that... I'll work on the sister thing for you, K." She winked as she pulled away and smiled before resting her head on the pillow and letting her eyes fall closed. "Family nap time?" She mumbled, as she snuggled into the boys.
"I think that sounds wonderful," Rachel murmured as Kayla curled back into her side, reaching over to switch off the light. "I love you, Santana. And our family," she muttered drowsily, snuggling with everyone as she started drifting off.
Chapter Four