nothing's quite the same now
Things have been kind of difficult over the past week.
I'm pretty sure that I won't be going to law school next year. There's a small chance that Queen's might come through or that I might move from Windsor's waitlist to a spot, but it seems kind of unlikely. If I still get in I will be thrilled, but right now I've kind of accepted that it's probably not going to happen and that I have to make contingency plans.
It looks like, most likely, I will be at York next year as a visiting student, possibly living at home. From there I can apply to a program if I want. I really like the idea of pursuing another degree. For various reasons, my university experience was so much less than it could have been. Because of Michael, I kept myself pretty isolated right up until this last year when I didn't have that luxury. I wonder what kind of experiences I might have on my own at a new school. But really, if I keep my nose to the grind and work my ass off, I might be able to really pull my grades up and re-apply. Or, if it turns out that that's just not to be my path, I can be working down a different one.
Still, it's been disappointing and stressful.
I'm having a really rough period. Considering that I burst into tears last night because my mom interrupted me, I think it's possibly making me just a tad over-emotional. (That's not to say that my feelings and thoughts during this time aren't valid. I don't want anyone to brush off what I'm saying in other places as PMS. It's not.) It's been especially painful too.
I need to work out tonight after soccer. Physical activity helps.
Speaking of soccer, the tournament is this weekend. So there goes any downtime I might have had. And we have pictures after our games Saturday, so remind me not to go looking like shit. ;) Why do they book pictures for AFTER the games? That's so stupid. The girls are going to be all sweaty and stuff. They'd better not play weakly because of the pictures!
And I'm still scared of Monday.
I've been pretty good about working out lately, about 4-5 times a week. I was going to go last night, but then I found that someone threw my CLEAN sports bra into the wash (the other was dirty and also thrown into the wash), so it was soaking wet. Grrr. It's not really something I can afford to be working out WITHOUT! But I went grocery shopping with my mom and that was nice. She's quit smoking for well over a month now! I am so proud of her! ♥
I have been really unhappy with my body lately, although I can see that I'm definitely slimming down again. I've been doing some reading and I think the reason why I've been hungry all the time is that I'm not getting enough protein in my diet, which is apparently what keeps you full for longer. I have made some good changes in my diet though, I think. I've cut out all beverages except for water, although I'm allowed to have one coffee in the morning on occasion. I'm allowed to indulge a little at breakfast, but for lunch I stick to my staples like sandwiches (no white bread) or soups, and for dinner I have a big salad, making sure to include baby spinach and cheese so that I'm still getting protein. And sometimes the salads have chicken in them. :) It leaves me way more satisfied than a lot of the meals I was having before. And, actually, since I made the changes I haven't been nearly as hungry between meals.
The number on the scale has only changed by about 3lbs, but I can tell that I look slimmer and more toned, and I think that part of it may be muscle weight because I've been training with weights much more vigourously than I was before.
My tits are still ginormous. I really want them to shrink just a little bit. So that they fit in my old work out shirts again. And so that my sports bras aren't making it impossible for me to breathe when I work out.
Michael's brother John just came in a few minutes ago. He's so nice whenever he sees me. His whole family is, really. It makes me miss them all a lot. I miss Michael too, even though I don't want him back anymore at all. But I miss his friendship something fierce and I have a very strong urge to hug him. I know it's normal to miss my friends once they are gone from my life, but this feels harder. Even though I know that part of my sadness lately is just me misdirecting my emotions because the feelings that surround him are easier for me to handle than the other stresses in my life right now. I refuse to bemoan that he didn't email me back when I replied to his email, even though I asked him to. It's possible that he's misunderstanding my intentions.
Croatia played like absolute shit on Sunday. I can't believe I woke up early for that display of complete ineptitude. They were sitting on their asses, like "wait a minute, what? You want us to, you know, RUN for the ball? WTF is that?" They were overconfident going in and it caught them. Bunch of mother fucking prima donnas. They'd better play better on Friday against Australia! They win that game, they move on ('cuz no way is Japan going to beat Brazil.)
I only have 20 days until the story Gen is making me write is due. My other half is mean to me. :(
Man, I don't write often lately, but when I do, I write a friggin' novel! Everyone who got through the whole thing gets a cookie. (Unless you are Rachel and then you have your choice of muffin or donut, only. Because you love cookies more than me. :'( I guess I will forgive you though, if only because you might not love me as much as cookies, but you do love me enough to drive 20 minutes to come and help me clean an office. :))
This office just doesn't have enough work for me to do.
I'm pretty sure that I won't be going to law school next year. There's a small chance that Queen's might come through or that I might move from Windsor's waitlist to a spot, but it seems kind of unlikely. If I still get in I will be thrilled, but right now I've kind of accepted that it's probably not going to happen and that I have to make contingency plans.
It looks like, most likely, I will be at York next year as a visiting student, possibly living at home. From there I can apply to a program if I want. I really like the idea of pursuing another degree. For various reasons, my university experience was so much less than it could have been. Because of Michael, I kept myself pretty isolated right up until this last year when I didn't have that luxury. I wonder what kind of experiences I might have on my own at a new school. But really, if I keep my nose to the grind and work my ass off, I might be able to really pull my grades up and re-apply. Or, if it turns out that that's just not to be my path, I can be working down a different one.
Still, it's been disappointing and stressful.
I'm having a really rough period. Considering that I burst into tears last night because my mom interrupted me, I think it's possibly making me just a tad over-emotional. (That's not to say that my feelings and thoughts during this time aren't valid. I don't want anyone to brush off what I'm saying in other places as PMS. It's not.) It's been especially painful too.
I need to work out tonight after soccer. Physical activity helps.
Speaking of soccer, the tournament is this weekend. So there goes any downtime I might have had. And we have pictures after our games Saturday, so remind me not to go looking like shit. ;) Why do they book pictures for AFTER the games? That's so stupid. The girls are going to be all sweaty and stuff. They'd better not play weakly because of the pictures!
And I'm still scared of Monday.
I've been pretty good about working out lately, about 4-5 times a week. I was going to go last night, but then I found that someone threw my CLEAN sports bra into the wash (the other was dirty and also thrown into the wash), so it was soaking wet. Grrr. It's not really something I can afford to be working out WITHOUT! But I went grocery shopping with my mom and that was nice. She's quit smoking for well over a month now! I am so proud of her! ♥
I have been really unhappy with my body lately, although I can see that I'm definitely slimming down again. I've been doing some reading and I think the reason why I've been hungry all the time is that I'm not getting enough protein in my diet, which is apparently what keeps you full for longer. I have made some good changes in my diet though, I think. I've cut out all beverages except for water, although I'm allowed to have one coffee in the morning on occasion. I'm allowed to indulge a little at breakfast, but for lunch I stick to my staples like sandwiches (no white bread) or soups, and for dinner I have a big salad, making sure to include baby spinach and cheese so that I'm still getting protein. And sometimes the salads have chicken in them. :) It leaves me way more satisfied than a lot of the meals I was having before. And, actually, since I made the changes I haven't been nearly as hungry between meals.
The number on the scale has only changed by about 3lbs, but I can tell that I look slimmer and more toned, and I think that part of it may be muscle weight because I've been training with weights much more vigourously than I was before.
My tits are still ginormous. I really want them to shrink just a little bit. So that they fit in my old work out shirts again. And so that my sports bras aren't making it impossible for me to breathe when I work out.
Michael's brother John just came in a few minutes ago. He's so nice whenever he sees me. His whole family is, really. It makes me miss them all a lot. I miss Michael too, even though I don't want him back anymore at all. But I miss his friendship something fierce and I have a very strong urge to hug him. I know it's normal to miss my friends once they are gone from my life, but this feels harder. Even though I know that part of my sadness lately is just me misdirecting my emotions because the feelings that surround him are easier for me to handle than the other stresses in my life right now. I refuse to bemoan that he didn't email me back when I replied to his email, even though I asked him to. It's possible that he's misunderstanding my intentions.
Croatia played like absolute shit on Sunday. I can't believe I woke up early for that display of complete ineptitude. They were sitting on their asses, like "wait a minute, what? You want us to, you know, RUN for the ball? WTF is that?" They were overconfident going in and it caught them. Bunch of mother fucking prima donnas. They'd better play better on Friday against Australia! They win that game, they move on ('cuz no way is Japan going to beat Brazil.)
I only have 20 days until the story Gen is making me write is due. My other half is mean to me. :(
Man, I don't write often lately, but when I do, I write a friggin' novel! Everyone who got through the whole thing gets a cookie. (Unless you are Rachel and then you have your choice of muffin or donut, only. Because you love cookies more than me. :'( I guess I will forgive you though, if only because you might not love me as much as cookies, but you do love me enough to drive 20 minutes to come and help me clean an office. :))
This office just doesn't have enough work for me to do.