38 weeks and counting...
I'm writing this entry while sitting here 38 weeks pregnant with my first child, drinking a cold bottle of mineral water, wishing for some breeze and rain because I've been constantly too hot for 9 months now.
I honestly don't know how to begin writing this entry because my life drastically changed these past 2 years. I got married, I lost some friends, gained new ones, built and lived in a completely different routine, got pregnant, moved houses and now I'm on my maternity leave and praying for my labor to start so I can have my child and not be pregnant anymore. It's tiring...
This year on my birthday, 19th Sept., I'm officially going to be a mother. I'm going to be induced on 9th at the latest and have my baby. Meanwhile I'm waiting for nature to take its course, but I'm doubtful. If my son is anything like me he wouldn't want to get out anytime soon, I was a big and overdue baby. He already got the "big" part going for him, but I can't let him be overdue, I'm already overwhelmed with my huge body and limited movement ability. So September 9th it is.
Ugh I have to turn on the fan, I'm too hot...
...
It takes too long to stand up and go anywhere in the house, it's annoying. I want to be fast again. I want to be slim again and I want my hands and feet to be at a normal size.
Don't get me wrong, I want this child, I love this child, I'm looking forward to meet this child of mine, but I. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. PREGNANT.
I'm also very scared of labor and delivery, but it's inevitable so I'm trying to keep my anxiety in check, which is something I feel like I need to mention because half of my 2 year adventure ANXIETY -in capital letters- played a huge role. I now know what a devastating and scary panic attack feels like, how difficult it is to manage your anger when you're deadly anxious and how important it is to get professional help. It took me about a year to finally realize I couldn't do it myself and on top of that I got pregnant on the way so I decided to have an appointment with a psychiatrist at a nearby hospital. I went on having weekly therapy sessions for about 4 months and it helped A LOT. Now I think twice before letting my anxiety take me to places I don't want to be. I worry less and I manage to not get myself sick with anger/worry over small things. I'm more assertive about my needs and I care less about pleasing other people.
Don't be fooled though, I'm still a very anxious person and I definitely didn't completely get rid of my anxiety issues, but I'm much much better than I was, say, in January. I used to have regular melt downs and I was so over the top with my emotions. I basically talked it out with the doctor and resolved some of my issues, but I stopped seeing her because she changed practices and I'm too lazy and pregnant to go to her new place. Plus, my insurance doesn't cover my appointments anymore and I need every single penny I can save. I'm fine though, I know how to get out when I push myself into a corner. I just let anxiety happen now, and I'm not dragging other people into it. I still cry and have tiny meltdowns when I'm alone, but I rarely show it and I don't let myself believe the world is coming to an end. I still care about what other people think about me and how I sometimes fail to impress/please them, but fuck it, life is short, I'm going to be a mother and they can either take me or leave me, because at the end of the day it's MY life and I'm the one who's living it. I don't break hearts, but I don't beat myself up trying to mend things when people get hurt. Everyone has their on system of dealing with life and I let it be. My intentions are always good and if someone can't see that, fuck it. Fuck it. My mantra.
I wish we were a bit more prepared for this pregnancy, mostly on the financial side, but I thought it would take us more time to get pregnant and I would still have time to sort things out, alas life never goes the way you plan. It's ok, we're not struggling and I'm extremely grateful to have a very healthy and considerably comfortable pregnancy, but we could have been more financially comfortable. Having a kid is no joke, we've spent so much time and money already to adjust our life for his arrival. The biggest change was moving houses. We live a lot closer to my mother in law right now, because we need her help with the baby. My short-lived search for a nanny showed me the realities of life as a working mother and I gave up trying to be that "I can do it all myself" person and accepted help. I'm still not 100% sure if things will work out, but so far so good. Baby's not even here yet, so I can't predict what my life will look like 2 weeks from now. Not even a month, 2 weeks, that's how short of time things need to get complicated or resolved. Considering I can go into labor anytime now, I may not even have to wait 2 weeks to see the change.
Yup, back to me being pregnant. My body has changed so much in 9 months and I don't know how it's going to go back to being my own body, mine and mine alone. I'm not "huge" in terms of weight gain, but I've never been this heavy. The number I see on the scale every week scares me a lot. I wish I could have gotten rid of some of my weight before I got pregnant, but like I mentioned before, I thought I had more time, haha, funny me. I know giving birth will change it even more and recovery after birth is a complete mystery to me at this point, but I have to trust my body, I don't have any other choice on the matter. I think it's safe to say that my expectations are pretty low: if I'm still alive and have a chance to recover and my baby is healthy and happy it doesn't matter being heavy a little longer.
I'm not good with life's mysteries. I'm not good with the unknown. Yet I'm looking forward to experiencing the biggest unknown imaginable, having a child aka making a completely new human. I'm praying for him to be an easy baby, calm child and a kind human with healthy everything; mind and body.
Great, I'm emotional now. I promised myself not to cry while writing about my baby, but again, things never go the way you plan.
This is such a big change and I questioned myself every step of the way. I still do. It's impossible to be 100% sure of anything. I don't even know if I'm going to have a natural birth or a c-section. (For those who wonder, I want to have a vaginal delivery with epidural. Fingers crossed!) I don't know if I can easily breastfeed. I don't know if he will sleep, eat and be an overall easy kid to handle. What if something goes horribly wrong? Am I strong enough to overcome it? And most importantly am I going to feel alone? I don't know.
I have loving and supportive husband and a great family as my support system, but I wish somebody else could be in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think, because at the end of the day, all I can trust is myself, and I'm not sure if I can do that.
See, I told you I haven't resolved all my anxiety issues yet.
I digress, overall I've been good, life's been good and I feel 85% ready for a huge new chapter to begin. Right now I'm doing laundry and I will soon start doing the dishes and looking at my ever growing swollen feet. I'll try to update here after having the baby, but not so sure how things will go once we have a tiny human in the house, so I'll see you when I see you.
I honestly don't know how to begin writing this entry because my life drastically changed these past 2 years. I got married, I lost some friends, gained new ones, built and lived in a completely different routine, got pregnant, moved houses and now I'm on my maternity leave and praying for my labor to start so I can have my child and not be pregnant anymore. It's tiring...
This year on my birthday, 19th Sept., I'm officially going to be a mother. I'm going to be induced on 9th at the latest and have my baby. Meanwhile I'm waiting for nature to take its course, but I'm doubtful. If my son is anything like me he wouldn't want to get out anytime soon, I was a big and overdue baby. He already got the "big" part going for him, but I can't let him be overdue, I'm already overwhelmed with my huge body and limited movement ability. So September 9th it is.
Ugh I have to turn on the fan, I'm too hot...
...
It takes too long to stand up and go anywhere in the house, it's annoying. I want to be fast again. I want to be slim again and I want my hands and feet to be at a normal size.
Don't get me wrong, I want this child, I love this child, I'm looking forward to meet this child of mine, but I. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. PREGNANT.
I'm also very scared of labor and delivery, but it's inevitable so I'm trying to keep my anxiety in check, which is something I feel like I need to mention because half of my 2 year adventure ANXIETY -in capital letters- played a huge role. I now know what a devastating and scary panic attack feels like, how difficult it is to manage your anger when you're deadly anxious and how important it is to get professional help. It took me about a year to finally realize I couldn't do it myself and on top of that I got pregnant on the way so I decided to have an appointment with a psychiatrist at a nearby hospital. I went on having weekly therapy sessions for about 4 months and it helped A LOT. Now I think twice before letting my anxiety take me to places I don't want to be. I worry less and I manage to not get myself sick with anger/worry over small things. I'm more assertive about my needs and I care less about pleasing other people.
Don't be fooled though, I'm still a very anxious person and I definitely didn't completely get rid of my anxiety issues, but I'm much much better than I was, say, in January. I used to have regular melt downs and I was so over the top with my emotions. I basically talked it out with the doctor and resolved some of my issues, but I stopped seeing her because she changed practices and I'm too lazy and pregnant to go to her new place. Plus, my insurance doesn't cover my appointments anymore and I need every single penny I can save. I'm fine though, I know how to get out when I push myself into a corner. I just let anxiety happen now, and I'm not dragging other people into it. I still cry and have tiny meltdowns when I'm alone, but I rarely show it and I don't let myself believe the world is coming to an end. I still care about what other people think about me and how I sometimes fail to impress/please them, but fuck it, life is short, I'm going to be a mother and they can either take me or leave me, because at the end of the day it's MY life and I'm the one who's living it. I don't break hearts, but I don't beat myself up trying to mend things when people get hurt. Everyone has their on system of dealing with life and I let it be. My intentions are always good and if someone can't see that, fuck it. Fuck it. My mantra.
I wish we were a bit more prepared for this pregnancy, mostly on the financial side, but I thought it would take us more time to get pregnant and I would still have time to sort things out, alas life never goes the way you plan. It's ok, we're not struggling and I'm extremely grateful to have a very healthy and considerably comfortable pregnancy, but we could have been more financially comfortable. Having a kid is no joke, we've spent so much time and money already to adjust our life for his arrival. The biggest change was moving houses. We live a lot closer to my mother in law right now, because we need her help with the baby. My short-lived search for a nanny showed me the realities of life as a working mother and I gave up trying to be that "I can do it all myself" person and accepted help. I'm still not 100% sure if things will work out, but so far so good. Baby's not even here yet, so I can't predict what my life will look like 2 weeks from now. Not even a month, 2 weeks, that's how short of time things need to get complicated or resolved. Considering I can go into labor anytime now, I may not even have to wait 2 weeks to see the change.
Yup, back to me being pregnant. My body has changed so much in 9 months and I don't know how it's going to go back to being my own body, mine and mine alone. I'm not "huge" in terms of weight gain, but I've never been this heavy. The number I see on the scale every week scares me a lot. I wish I could have gotten rid of some of my weight before I got pregnant, but like I mentioned before, I thought I had more time, haha, funny me. I know giving birth will change it even more and recovery after birth is a complete mystery to me at this point, but I have to trust my body, I don't have any other choice on the matter. I think it's safe to say that my expectations are pretty low: if I'm still alive and have a chance to recover and my baby is healthy and happy it doesn't matter being heavy a little longer.
I'm not good with life's mysteries. I'm not good with the unknown. Yet I'm looking forward to experiencing the biggest unknown imaginable, having a child aka making a completely new human. I'm praying for him to be an easy baby, calm child and a kind human with healthy everything; mind and body.
Great, I'm emotional now. I promised myself not to cry while writing about my baby, but again, things never go the way you plan.
This is such a big change and I questioned myself every step of the way. I still do. It's impossible to be 100% sure of anything. I don't even know if I'm going to have a natural birth or a c-section. (For those who wonder, I want to have a vaginal delivery with epidural. Fingers crossed!) I don't know if I can easily breastfeed. I don't know if he will sleep, eat and be an overall easy kid to handle. What if something goes horribly wrong? Am I strong enough to overcome it? And most importantly am I going to feel alone? I don't know.
I have loving and supportive husband and a great family as my support system, but I wish somebody else could be in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think, because at the end of the day, all I can trust is myself, and I'm not sure if I can do that.
See, I told you I haven't resolved all my anxiety issues yet.
I digress, overall I've been good, life's been good and I feel 85% ready for a huge new chapter to begin. Right now I'm doing laundry and I will soon start doing the dishes and looking at my ever growing swollen feet. I'll try to update here after having the baby, but not so sure how things will go once we have a tiny human in the house, so I'll see you when I see you.