Final Thoughts On Authenticity
Today I had some authenticity crises. It seems like it's easier to lie or better yet, hide until things pass over than to just say what I want and what I need and live on with it. Maybe I think I had crises today because I'm actually consciously noticing when I wasn't before. Anyway, I'll go through the last five elements of authenticity for the catalyst/idealist personality type.
Connecting and Re-Connecting. I see the value in everyone, connecting with their deeper, truer self, and essence.
I give myself a 2 on this. This is the domain of one of the aspects of my personality, Lady Joy. I was once asked if I could be a superhero, what superhero would I be, and I made up Lady Joy on the spot. I connect to people when I can see who and what they really are, behind the masks, the insecurities and the false bravado. It's not only a natural inclination but also a skill I've honed. Now see Lady Joy, she swoops in when someone is in need of comfort, upbuilding and hope. That someone could be anyone, including me. She perceives what is good and hopeful about a person or their situation, and using empathy she finds a way to help them to see it. See, if I could be a superheroine, I'd want the power to bring joy and hope to people. Not necessarily all people, just one person. It makes me feel like I have a purpose, a reason to be, a reason to relate. But I could do better in this area. A lot of times I can see right through to the essence of someone, but not when I'm being blinded by my own issues, which is a lot.
Taking Back Projections. I take responsibility for my own judgments and interpretations, and focus less on what others do or think.
I've changed a lot in this area, so much so that I think I'm a 2 here. I've always had a tendency to blame myself for everything, but I could also be pretty bitter about being so "bad", "abnormal" and "imperfect". Last year I started focusing on my projections and perceptions, based in part on some things I learned from the book "Inner Work" by Robert Johnson. My mind, it blew, when I realized that a lot of the things that I admire in others and hate in others are projections stemming from my own unrealized strengths and unconscious foibles. I believe the original concept is Freudian. One of the exercises in the book was to focus on one person who inspires a lot of thoughts and judgements in me, and write down all the things that annoy me about that person and the things I admire. I chose my mother, as my strongest emotions center around her. I was amazed at how similar we are. And disturbed, I must admit, I was disturbed. I see that we mirror each other a lot, even though our personality types are somewhat different (she's an ESFP, I'm an INFP). But that really empowered me as well. Ever since, I've learned to check myself when I'm letting my judgements and perceptions get me too upset and blind. I take my power back when I take back my projections.
Sharing Mixed Emotions. I express the complex feelings of my ambivalence and confusion, and I am comfortable with inconsistencies.
I'll say this is a 3. On some level I am comfortable with inconsistencies, but I've spent too many years obsessing over them for me to say that I'm really comfortable. I definitely have complex feelings, and I'm often ambivalent and confused. I just don't know how often I express it. I feel like a flibbertigibbet when I show these feelings. Only when I'm really comfortable with someone do I show this. Usually I stay quiet or project a confidence and surety I don't really feel. Then when circumstances change, and I'm so adaptable because I was already of two (or three, or seven) minds about the subject anyway. So in that sense, I'll show my ambivalence and willingness to question, so long as I feel like it's okay. For example, if the other person is showing ambivalence, confusion or worse, negativity because they're unsure. I am of mixed emotions so often that I fairly doubt if I'm even feeling one way or another on a daily basis. I can see that I'm never going to feel comfortable or connected if I hide these emotions.
Asserting What I Want and Don’t Want. I affirm my rights to want what I need and want, even if it’s unreasonable, or if there is little chance of getting it.
Ha ha. I'm going to say 4 out of 5, but I'm working on it. I used to be unable to return things to stores or to ask people for anything at all. I was never able to stand up to anyone except in certain limited (and limiting) circumstances: Over the safe distance of the telephone, especially once I worked in customer service myself, I learned how to assert myself with companies and the people who work for them, although I'd more often get angry and nasty than be reasonable and calmly assertive. Another circumstance where I could assert myself would be in an online debate, although not as well in face-to-face debates like when I was in the debate club in high school. I let the more dominant members of my team basically lose the debate for us, when I not only knew better, I could have argued better, if I would just assert my need to speak. Lastly, when I would finally lose my cool and get into heated arguments, I had little problem asserting myself, but I usually went over the line. Back in those days I would have said 5 out of 5, because even when I did assert myself, it was rarely with good results. It was often a confused manifestation of my swirling emotions and thoughts.
However, once I became more conscious of what I actually need and want, and once I did some work on my self-esteem, I started becoming more assertive. I need to be a lot more confident though. Or really, I need to learn to speak up even when I'm not completely sure and rehearsed. I'm just not even close.
Seeing and Making Choices. I recognize a variety of perspectives and choose to act in alignment with my values, wants, needs, and best interests.
The final authenticity statement, and I will give myself a 3. I have become very aware of the many choices and I couldn't hide from the multiple perspectives even if I wanted to. I have also been able to see a number of things that I want to do but I still need more work when it comes to making those choices. You know what's been so freeing? It's when I allow my intuition to do what it do, and it perceives all of the options and all of the choices available. Then my feeling can help me to make choices in line with my values, but my intuition has made me aware that there are far more choices than I thought. There are many paths to follow, they're all the same one really, but there's also so much variety in the way I can walk.
Well, I've been putting it off. I must exercise now.
Connecting and Re-Connecting. I see the value in everyone, connecting with their deeper, truer self, and essence.
I give myself a 2 on this. This is the domain of one of the aspects of my personality, Lady Joy. I was once asked if I could be a superhero, what superhero would I be, and I made up Lady Joy on the spot. I connect to people when I can see who and what they really are, behind the masks, the insecurities and the false bravado. It's not only a natural inclination but also a skill I've honed. Now see Lady Joy, she swoops in when someone is in need of comfort, upbuilding and hope. That someone could be anyone, including me. She perceives what is good and hopeful about a person or their situation, and using empathy she finds a way to help them to see it. See, if I could be a superheroine, I'd want the power to bring joy and hope to people. Not necessarily all people, just one person. It makes me feel like I have a purpose, a reason to be, a reason to relate. But I could do better in this area. A lot of times I can see right through to the essence of someone, but not when I'm being blinded by my own issues, which is a lot.
Taking Back Projections. I take responsibility for my own judgments and interpretations, and focus less on what others do or think.
I've changed a lot in this area, so much so that I think I'm a 2 here. I've always had a tendency to blame myself for everything, but I could also be pretty bitter about being so "bad", "abnormal" and "imperfect". Last year I started focusing on my projections and perceptions, based in part on some things I learned from the book "Inner Work" by Robert Johnson. My mind, it blew, when I realized that a lot of the things that I admire in others and hate in others are projections stemming from my own unrealized strengths and unconscious foibles. I believe the original concept is Freudian. One of the exercises in the book was to focus on one person who inspires a lot of thoughts and judgements in me, and write down all the things that annoy me about that person and the things I admire. I chose my mother, as my strongest emotions center around her. I was amazed at how similar we are. And disturbed, I must admit, I was disturbed. I see that we mirror each other a lot, even though our personality types are somewhat different (she's an ESFP, I'm an INFP). But that really empowered me as well. Ever since, I've learned to check myself when I'm letting my judgements and perceptions get me too upset and blind. I take my power back when I take back my projections.
Sharing Mixed Emotions. I express the complex feelings of my ambivalence and confusion, and I am comfortable with inconsistencies.
I'll say this is a 3. On some level I am comfortable with inconsistencies, but I've spent too many years obsessing over them for me to say that I'm really comfortable. I definitely have complex feelings, and I'm often ambivalent and confused. I just don't know how often I express it. I feel like a flibbertigibbet when I show these feelings. Only when I'm really comfortable with someone do I show this. Usually I stay quiet or project a confidence and surety I don't really feel. Then when circumstances change, and I'm so adaptable because I was already of two (or three, or seven) minds about the subject anyway. So in that sense, I'll show my ambivalence and willingness to question, so long as I feel like it's okay. For example, if the other person is showing ambivalence, confusion or worse, negativity because they're unsure. I am of mixed emotions so often that I fairly doubt if I'm even feeling one way or another on a daily basis. I can see that I'm never going to feel comfortable or connected if I hide these emotions.
Asserting What I Want and Don’t Want. I affirm my rights to want what I need and want, even if it’s unreasonable, or if there is little chance of getting it.
Ha ha. I'm going to say 4 out of 5, but I'm working on it. I used to be unable to return things to stores or to ask people for anything at all. I was never able to stand up to anyone except in certain limited (and limiting) circumstances: Over the safe distance of the telephone, especially once I worked in customer service myself, I learned how to assert myself with companies and the people who work for them, although I'd more often get angry and nasty than be reasonable and calmly assertive. Another circumstance where I could assert myself would be in an online debate, although not as well in face-to-face debates like when I was in the debate club in high school. I let the more dominant members of my team basically lose the debate for us, when I not only knew better, I could have argued better, if I would just assert my need to speak. Lastly, when I would finally lose my cool and get into heated arguments, I had little problem asserting myself, but I usually went over the line. Back in those days I would have said 5 out of 5, because even when I did assert myself, it was rarely with good results. It was often a confused manifestation of my swirling emotions and thoughts.
However, once I became more conscious of what I actually need and want, and once I did some work on my self-esteem, I started becoming more assertive. I need to be a lot more confident though. Or really, I need to learn to speak up even when I'm not completely sure and rehearsed. I'm just not even close.
Seeing and Making Choices. I recognize a variety of perspectives and choose to act in alignment with my values, wants, needs, and best interests.
The final authenticity statement, and I will give myself a 3. I have become very aware of the many choices and I couldn't hide from the multiple perspectives even if I wanted to. I have also been able to see a number of things that I want to do but I still need more work when it comes to making those choices. You know what's been so freeing? It's when I allow my intuition to do what it do, and it perceives all of the options and all of the choices available. Then my feeling can help me to make choices in line with my values, but my intuition has made me aware that there are far more choices than I thought. There are many paths to follow, they're all the same one really, but there's also so much variety in the way I can walk.
Well, I've been putting it off. I must exercise now.