like an ignorant and obedient puppet
there's a pulsing that runs over and through me like a train which speeds up and slows to parallel my heart and the walls. the ceiling drips gasoline into my gaping mouth and i choke on the taste and vomit battery acid, the only thing keeping me running. i'm slowing down. i'm growing weak. i feel like i'm dying. if you don't care about something does it actually really matter? if it has no meaning in yr life is there really a point to its existence? there's no point in living if all you do is follow orders - following orders isn't really living at all in the first place. i feel like an arrogant catholic sunday school dress. yes, yes, i'm very aware of my mortality. and it's very humbling indeed. and i'm not going to write this off as my being a victim of circumstance, however i will blame a few things as being contributors.
i'm nauseated by my complete and total willingness to pay to hear myself talk. i do believe i'd be damn near eager to shell out a lot of money to hear my own voice, but it's almost the same price as a movie and i get to feel brilliant and cool. and i'm paying to have someone not disagree with me. it's like the perfect fucking relationship. i give a lot for recognition and acknowledgement. i want the attention of someone whose time i bought and who's counting down the minutes so she can go make fun of me to the other doctors. i want the attention of someone who will fake concern to the point where it almost seems genuine, who's perfected her "aww"s and "oh my"s. i want to pay for 45 minutes to say whatever i want or nothing at all. i have no voice of reason or any sense of being lucid so i try not to talk at all. have i said this all before?
i'm totally distracted. sedated by reality tv shows, prescription pills, department stores, my goddamn fucking credit. martha stewart, tom clancy. nothing i say or do is authentic or unique.
i'm nauseated by my complete and total willingness to pay to hear myself talk. i do believe i'd be damn near eager to shell out a lot of money to hear my own voice, but it's almost the same price as a movie and i get to feel brilliant and cool. and i'm paying to have someone not disagree with me. it's like the perfect fucking relationship. i give a lot for recognition and acknowledgement. i want the attention of someone whose time i bought and who's counting down the minutes so she can go make fun of me to the other doctors. i want the attention of someone who will fake concern to the point where it almost seems genuine, who's perfected her "aww"s and "oh my"s. i want to pay for 45 minutes to say whatever i want or nothing at all. i have no voice of reason or any sense of being lucid so i try not to talk at all. have i said this all before?
i'm totally distracted. sedated by reality tv shows, prescription pills, department stores, my goddamn fucking credit. martha stewart, tom clancy. nothing i say or do is authentic or unique.