The R Folder
This was inspired by a few things. Conversations I've had with Jessica Mason-Paull, reading Oliva Gatwood's blog, watching Lauren Perry work through her poem "Rape Robot Reboot", and reading up on the Jezebel website regarding Daniel Tosh and his "jokes", with some inspiration by Patton Oswalt.
I'm very open to feedback on this one.
The R Folder
To all the comedians in this room
Think of your brain as a giant office
In that office you have two filing cabinets
These filing cabinets are labeled "jokes" and "not jokes"
These cabinets are then alphabetized.
Open a drawer.
Start flipping.
Wind up at the letter B.
What do you have?
Bars.
Blowjobs.
Barack Obama
(Because you don't know how to file things properly).
Flip ahead.
S.
S is for sextape. Funny.
For scrimshaw. Also funny.
Pari"Ssss" Hilton is in here too for some reason
(Seriously, learn how to file).
Flip back a little.
The R Folder.
What do you have in there?
RC Cola.
Roman showers.
Rape.
Rape probably doesn't belong in the "jokes" cabinet.
In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it definately
Does NOT belong in the jokes cabinet.
So take it out.
Keep it out.
If your act is going to come crashing down because you can't make rape jokes
Then it's probably time to consider a new job.
There's no shame in admitting you're not funny.
There are careers where you don't have to tell a single joke!
You can still be a success!
Try Accounts Recievable,
Or Accounts Payable.
Or Slam Poet.
You won't starve rape jokester.
This isn't about freedom of speech
The fact that I'm offended that you think 1 in 4 women are a punchline
Doesn't take away your rights.
The last time I checked,
The First Amendment didn't have a "Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Money Back" clause,
And that brick wall you're standing in front of
Is not the backdrop for a firing squad.
It's a priviledge to be on stage,
So start checking yours.
You are not a victim of "political correctness".
Zombie George Orwell is not shambling out of the grave to write:
"1985 - The Year They Came for the Rape Jokes",
Because your whole act has been labeled a trigger warning.
So Comedian, this is actually called:
"Stop being an asshole".
This IS a terrible world,
We all need a chuckle,
Or we surely will all be crushed under its weight,
But you cannot spin violation into a quip
Brutality into a knock, knock,
Shame into an wackity-schmackity-doo!
Rape jokes are the "Larry the Cable Guy" of comedy
They're not funny.
So try something else,
Go back to the filing cabinets,
Open the serious one.
After dropping the rape file somewhere
Where you hopefully will never find it in experience or consolation.
Flip to the "D"s.
Try Death.
Death jokes can be found from tombstones to death camp walls.
No one is immune to the last laugh
And if you do it right, they will lean into the limelight, comedian
Listen and wait with bated breath for the end.
"Like this one time, they gave me one year to live.
I was on the operating table
They were about to cut into my chest
To replace a piece of my heart.
I know, right?
I was going to go out with a joke,
But the anesthsiologist cut me off before I could get to the punchline
By turning on the gas!"
Now THAT'S comedy.
I'm very open to feedback on this one.
The R Folder
To all the comedians in this room
Think of your brain as a giant office
In that office you have two filing cabinets
These filing cabinets are labeled "jokes" and "not jokes"
These cabinets are then alphabetized.
Open a drawer.
Start flipping.
Wind up at the letter B.
What do you have?
Bars.
Blowjobs.
Barack Obama
(Because you don't know how to file things properly).
Flip ahead.
S.
S is for sextape. Funny.
For scrimshaw. Also funny.
Pari"Ssss" Hilton is in here too for some reason
(Seriously, learn how to file).
Flip back a little.
The R Folder.
What do you have in there?
RC Cola.
Roman showers.
Rape.
Rape probably doesn't belong in the "jokes" cabinet.
In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it definately
Does NOT belong in the jokes cabinet.
So take it out.
Keep it out.
If your act is going to come crashing down because you can't make rape jokes
Then it's probably time to consider a new job.
There's no shame in admitting you're not funny.
There are careers where you don't have to tell a single joke!
You can still be a success!
Try Accounts Recievable,
Or Accounts Payable.
Or Slam Poet.
You won't starve rape jokester.
This isn't about freedom of speech
The fact that I'm offended that you think 1 in 4 women are a punchline
Doesn't take away your rights.
The last time I checked,
The First Amendment didn't have a "Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Money Back" clause,
And that brick wall you're standing in front of
Is not the backdrop for a firing squad.
It's a priviledge to be on stage,
So start checking yours.
You are not a victim of "political correctness".
Zombie George Orwell is not shambling out of the grave to write:
"1985 - The Year They Came for the Rape Jokes",
Because your whole act has been labeled a trigger warning.
So Comedian, this is actually called:
"Stop being an asshole".
This IS a terrible world,
We all need a chuckle,
Or we surely will all be crushed under its weight,
But you cannot spin violation into a quip
Brutality into a knock, knock,
Shame into an wackity-schmackity-doo!
Rape jokes are the "Larry the Cable Guy" of comedy
They're not funny.
So try something else,
Go back to the filing cabinets,
Open the serious one.
After dropping the rape file somewhere
Where you hopefully will never find it in experience or consolation.
Flip to the "D"s.
Try Death.
Death jokes can be found from tombstones to death camp walls.
No one is immune to the last laugh
And if you do it right, they will lean into the limelight, comedian
Listen and wait with bated breath for the end.
"Like this one time, they gave me one year to live.
I was on the operating table
They were about to cut into my chest
To replace a piece of my heart.
I know, right?
I was going to go out with a joke,
But the anesthsiologist cut me off before I could get to the punchline
By turning on the gas!"
Now THAT'S comedy.