Hound of the Romneyvilles
Been waiting on the nominee to be chosen, to start taking them to school. Romney is a target-rich environment. Here's my first attempt.
Hound of the Romneyvilles
At first, there was just a tunnel.
Then I saw God.
He threw a glowing tennis ball of pure energy,
Urging me on... "GO GET IT, BOY, GO INTO THE LIGHT."
I entered the Pearly Gates through a doggie door,
The reward for a life of devotion and love.
I was an Irish Setter.
You called me Seamus.
Doggie heaven has been good to me.
My bowl is always filled with table scraps from the Last Supper.
Endless green meadows run wild with rabbits and field mice to chase.
There aren't any fucking cats to scratch my nose anymore.
I even got to make it with one of the Lassies.
But I will never know peace.
And do you know why, Master Romney?
Because not even the cleansing blood of Jesus
Can erase the memory of that 12 hour trip down the highway.
You remember that trip, don't you Governor?
You, your wife Ann, your sons
Singing songs to pass the time
For that long ride to the Beach O'Pines,
The summer wind beckoning you to the summer house.
Do you remember where I was?
Strapped to the roof of the car like a a piece of luggage!
While you were enjoying air conditioning, bottled water, and sandwiches,
The world was whipping by me at speeds incomprehensible to a dog,
The dry air filling my kennel, baking me like a rawhide strip,
The roar and exhaust of passing semis filling my senses with terror.
I shit myself that day.
The fear churned my bowels until it poured out of me
Flowing down the windows of the family car.
When you stopped to rinse it off,
I didn’t even get so much as a scratch behind the ears,
No "good boy, Shamus, you're almost there"
You couldn't even look me in the eyes.
Was your perfect family,
Your "Boys from Brazil" too good to have the dog
Sit in their laps for those few remaining hours to Canada?
You strapped me to the roof of the car, you son-of-a-bitch!
It was never the same after that.
I growled when you walked into the room,
Nipped your fingers when you fed me my bowl of kibble.
Soon I was shuttled off to your sister
Not long after, I entered the Kingdom of Doggie Heaven.
For all its delights, there has been no peace for Ol' Seamus.
Not all dogs go to Heaven.
There is Doggie Hell.
A place where vengeance can be sated... for a price,
And I have been a bad dog, slipping past St. Peter as he opens the Pearly Gates,
Running towards the endless black night.
In Satan's Kennel of the Damned,
Hitler's dog showed me how to hate,
Cujo gave me the gift of rabies,
And Cerberus taught me a barkincantation that will let me re-enter the land of the living.
Fear me,
I have returned.
No longer am I your lapdog,
I am the Hellhound who will teach you tricks.
Fetch.
Roll over.
Play dead.
You can run, but you can't hide
Not from the Hound of the Romneyvilles!
So prepare yourselves for a trip, Master Romney.
Strapped to the roof of a hearse
Straight down the Highway to Hell.
They say that every dog has its day
And mine is coming soon.
Hound of the Romneyvilles
At first, there was just a tunnel.
Then I saw God.
He threw a glowing tennis ball of pure energy,
Urging me on... "GO GET IT, BOY, GO INTO THE LIGHT."
I entered the Pearly Gates through a doggie door,
The reward for a life of devotion and love.
I was an Irish Setter.
You called me Seamus.
Doggie heaven has been good to me.
My bowl is always filled with table scraps from the Last Supper.
Endless green meadows run wild with rabbits and field mice to chase.
There aren't any fucking cats to scratch my nose anymore.
I even got to make it with one of the Lassies.
But I will never know peace.
And do you know why, Master Romney?
Because not even the cleansing blood of Jesus
Can erase the memory of that 12 hour trip down the highway.
You remember that trip, don't you Governor?
You, your wife Ann, your sons
Singing songs to pass the time
For that long ride to the Beach O'Pines,
The summer wind beckoning you to the summer house.
Do you remember where I was?
Strapped to the roof of the car like a a piece of luggage!
While you were enjoying air conditioning, bottled water, and sandwiches,
The world was whipping by me at speeds incomprehensible to a dog,
The dry air filling my kennel, baking me like a rawhide strip,
The roar and exhaust of passing semis filling my senses with terror.
I shit myself that day.
The fear churned my bowels until it poured out of me
Flowing down the windows of the family car.
When you stopped to rinse it off,
I didn’t even get so much as a scratch behind the ears,
No "good boy, Shamus, you're almost there"
You couldn't even look me in the eyes.
Was your perfect family,
Your "Boys from Brazil" too good to have the dog
Sit in their laps for those few remaining hours to Canada?
You strapped me to the roof of the car, you son-of-a-bitch!
It was never the same after that.
I growled when you walked into the room,
Nipped your fingers when you fed me my bowl of kibble.
Soon I was shuttled off to your sister
Not long after, I entered the Kingdom of Doggie Heaven.
For all its delights, there has been no peace for Ol' Seamus.
Not all dogs go to Heaven.
There is Doggie Hell.
A place where vengeance can be sated... for a price,
And I have been a bad dog, slipping past St. Peter as he opens the Pearly Gates,
Running towards the endless black night.
In Satan's Kennel of the Damned,
Hitler's dog showed me how to hate,
Cujo gave me the gift of rabies,
And Cerberus taught me a barkincantation that will let me re-enter the land of the living.
Fear me,
I have returned.
No longer am I your lapdog,
I am the Hellhound who will teach you tricks.
Fetch.
Roll over.
Play dead.
You can run, but you can't hide
Not from the Hound of the Romneyvilles!
So prepare yourselves for a trip, Master Romney.
Strapped to the roof of a hearse
Straight down the Highway to Hell.
They say that every dog has its day
And mine is coming soon.