Nine Easy Steps to Becoming a net.kook...
Ever wanted to sow the seeds of distrust and panic among your social circle? Here's a simple plan on how to become a crackpot conspiracy theorist in the comfort of your own home, for fun and (if you're especially lucky and/or devious) profit!
1. Pick a topic of which very little is truly known to the Joe Sixpacks of the world. Bonus points if the US government is involved in some way. Let's take, for example, the DTV switchover, mandating that all over-the-air TV stations need to move to the digital spectrum. Why is the FCC pushing those converter boxes and newfangled digital TVs so hard? Is it because they simply want to make sure TV addicts don't lose their service when the analog spectrum is cleared away to improve the nation's communications infrastructure? Of course not... it has to be more sinister than that!
2. Assume that every single person in the world with more power than you is part of an evil conspiracy to steal our freedoms away. Remember, all Washington-level politicians are part of the vast multinational conspiracy. They stay up at night plotting new diabolical schemes to unleash on the unsuspecting population, and there is not now, nor has there ever been, any such thing as a law that is passed for the common good. Also, make sure to toss around buzzwords like "Illuminati" and "New World Order" to make your case sound even more sinister. Quotes from the book of Revelation also help, and context be damned. Hell, you can assume not many of the people you're trying to reach have even read the Bible to begin with, so if you can't find one that fits you could even make up your own!
3. Write up a website espousing your theory to the world. Relax, you don't need to know much about HTML, XML, Perl, or anything else. In fact, your message can only be enhanced if you use giant text, bad colors, bolding and underlining, and maybe even use of the tag. Working from a circa-1995 copy of a WWW design manual also helps... hey, it's not like the Web's changed at all in fifteen years, right? You can even still find copies of Netscape 1.1 out there!
4. Make sure to hit all the hot buttons. Claim that LCD TV screens can be used as spy cameras and that "digital converter boxes" contain hidden microphones connected directly to FBI headquarters. Cite proof (or at least "proof") that the Internet is part of a vast government-sponsored cultural deprogramming project, designed to break down the walls between countries and make it easier for the "one world government" to sweep in and take over. Shout about how the H1N1 virus was actually manufactured by the FDA, who are using it as a leverage point to make everyone submit to mandatory "vaccinations" that only heighten one's susceptibility to other diseases. And -- oh yes -- Barack Obama was elected for the sole purpose of selling out America to the socialists and Muslims. Remember the theory of the Big Lie: If you say it loud enough and often enough, people will believe anything you tell them, no matter how ridiculous it is on its face.
5. Go on YouTube and make videos demonstrating that what you say is "true." Of course, people will ignore the fact that that converter box looked like it was already disassembled before the camera started rolling, or that the "microphone" is attached to a plastic housing with no wires, and that blob of Elmer's School Glue holding it in place is plainly visible. Don't worry. People are sheep.
6. When you've made your case, make sure you say something like "Some of you may think I'm nuts" or "I know this sounds crazy." It's vitally important that you acknowledge the ludicrousness of your own argument. This puts peoples' minds at ease, as it reassures them that you've already thought about what must have crossed their own minds from the moment they started listening to you. Remember what Socrates once said: "The first step to knowing everything is admitting you know nothing," so saying stuff like this will only increase your legitimacy (while at the same time discrediting anyone who sees through you).
7. By the same token, make a clear distinction between people who believe you and people who don't. Remember the old adage, "Either you're part of the solution or you're part of the problem." Try to paint anyone who disagrees with you as having been already "brainwashed" by the power elite of the world, or as idiots who couldn't even spell IQ. Emphasize that you represent the last great movement of "thinking" peoples of the world, and that anyone who isn't with you is against you. Hey, if it worked for L. Ron Hubbard...
8. Stress that action must be taken NOW, before it's too late! Never, EVER suggest that only the infrastructure might be laid down, or that anyone involved at any level of government might actually have noble intentions. Always remember, they're out to get us! No exceptions. And only you and those who think like you do are all that stands between the barbarians and the gate. An urgent tone will always help your case; you don't want to suggest that time is ever anything but "of the essence," because that gives people time to actually, you know, think about what you're saying, thus giving them a chance to figure out it's all a bunch of diseased donkey feces.
9. Close with a quote. Say, from Ayn Rand. Or Plato. Orwell, of course. Or any number of Greek philosophers with mile-long names whom you know nobody outside of academia is going to bother looking up. As previously noted too, Bible quotes are always a plus, especially if they're from one of the "sexier" books like Revelation or Leviticus.
If you follow these easy steps, I gauran-damn-tee that the world will beat a path to your door...
1. Pick a topic of which very little is truly known to the Joe Sixpacks of the world. Bonus points if the US government is involved in some way. Let's take, for example, the DTV switchover, mandating that all over-the-air TV stations need to move to the digital spectrum. Why is the FCC pushing those converter boxes and newfangled digital TVs so hard? Is it because they simply want to make sure TV addicts don't lose their service when the analog spectrum is cleared away to improve the nation's communications infrastructure? Of course not... it has to be more sinister than that!
2. Assume that every single person in the world with more power than you is part of an evil conspiracy to steal our freedoms away. Remember, all Washington-level politicians are part of the vast multinational conspiracy. They stay up at night plotting new diabolical schemes to unleash on the unsuspecting population, and there is not now, nor has there ever been, any such thing as a law that is passed for the common good. Also, make sure to toss around buzzwords like "Illuminati" and "New World Order" to make your case sound even more sinister. Quotes from the book of Revelation also help, and context be damned. Hell, you can assume not many of the people you're trying to reach have even read the Bible to begin with, so if you can't find one that fits you could even make up your own!
3. Write up a website espousing your theory to the world. Relax, you don't need to know much about HTML, XML, Perl, or anything else. In fact, your message can only be enhanced if you use giant text, bad colors, bolding and underlining, and maybe even use of the tag. Working from a circa-1995 copy of a WWW design manual also helps... hey, it's not like the Web's changed at all in fifteen years, right? You can even still find copies of Netscape 1.1 out there!
4. Make sure to hit all the hot buttons. Claim that LCD TV screens can be used as spy cameras and that "digital converter boxes" contain hidden microphones connected directly to FBI headquarters. Cite proof (or at least "proof") that the Internet is part of a vast government-sponsored cultural deprogramming project, designed to break down the walls between countries and make it easier for the "one world government" to sweep in and take over. Shout about how the H1N1 virus was actually manufactured by the FDA, who are using it as a leverage point to make everyone submit to mandatory "vaccinations" that only heighten one's susceptibility to other diseases. And -- oh yes -- Barack Obama was elected for the sole purpose of selling out America to the socialists and Muslims. Remember the theory of the Big Lie: If you say it loud enough and often enough, people will believe anything you tell them, no matter how ridiculous it is on its face.
5. Go on YouTube and make videos demonstrating that what you say is "true." Of course, people will ignore the fact that that converter box looked like it was already disassembled before the camera started rolling, or that the "microphone" is attached to a plastic housing with no wires, and that blob of Elmer's School Glue holding it in place is plainly visible. Don't worry. People are sheep.
6. When you've made your case, make sure you say something like "Some of you may think I'm nuts" or "I know this sounds crazy." It's vitally important that you acknowledge the ludicrousness of your own argument. This puts peoples' minds at ease, as it reassures them that you've already thought about what must have crossed their own minds from the moment they started listening to you. Remember what Socrates once said: "The first step to knowing everything is admitting you know nothing," so saying stuff like this will only increase your legitimacy (while at the same time discrediting anyone who sees through you).
7. By the same token, make a clear distinction between people who believe you and people who don't. Remember the old adage, "Either you're part of the solution or you're part of the problem." Try to paint anyone who disagrees with you as having been already "brainwashed" by the power elite of the world, or as idiots who couldn't even spell IQ. Emphasize that you represent the last great movement of "thinking" peoples of the world, and that anyone who isn't with you is against you. Hey, if it worked for L. Ron Hubbard...
8. Stress that action must be taken NOW, before it's too late! Never, EVER suggest that only the infrastructure might be laid down, or that anyone involved at any level of government might actually have noble intentions. Always remember, they're out to get us! No exceptions. And only you and those who think like you do are all that stands between the barbarians and the gate. An urgent tone will always help your case; you don't want to suggest that time is ever anything but "of the essence," because that gives people time to actually, you know, think about what you're saying, thus giving them a chance to figure out it's all a bunch of diseased donkey feces.
9. Close with a quote. Say, from Ayn Rand. Or Plato. Orwell, of course. Or any number of Greek philosophers with mile-long names whom you know nobody outside of academia is going to bother looking up. As previously noted too, Bible quotes are always a plus, especially if they're from one of the "sexier" books like Revelation or Leviticus.
If you follow these easy steps, I gauran-damn-tee that the world will beat a path to your door...