(no subject)
I haven't written anything in this for so long. I don't know why I am now, but I'm alone at work, bored, and sad. I'm not even sure I should, since anyone reading this will likely know why I'm feeling down. I'd feel weird asking for comfort. So I just write.
I'm facing a lot of change at the moment. So many things seem uncertain right now. It's kind of hard not to be worried about things. Work is finishing up in a few months, and I may have to find somewhere else to stay. It's annoying because I was getting comfortable for a while there. Kind of feels like the old rollercoaster ups and downs of the last couple of years, with me having no clear idea what I'll be doing in the short term. Basically there's a few things that until now have given me a great feeling of security that may be non-existent in a little while. I'm trying to think of ways that I can change how I live my life to make sure I don't find myself with nowhere to go. Frustratingly, I'm pretty much scared either way, even though I know what's best for me already. All I feel certain of is that there's going to be some hurting regardless. Taking this kind of initiative feels so solitary.
I've been feeling really reflective, and I'm annoyed at myself for being selfish enough to squander so much of what I've been given. Hell, I've been given second and third chances. Every time things go badly I give myself a hard time about it, usually followed up by someone else. Even though I think I've done a reasonable job of getting my shit toether, things just could've been so much better for me right now, and I blame myself entirely. Once again, I'm sorry to Emma for trying her patience, and (oh God, I really don't want to say this) I hope I can meet her rightful expectations, one day.
So yeah, nothing real profound, and I rather not let on in specifics because that is just pathetic. Just standard miserable rant time. Now I go to tell my clients I'm doing ok. If one of them rages I'm going to have to go and have a sob.
I'm facing a lot of change at the moment. So many things seem uncertain right now. It's kind of hard not to be worried about things. Work is finishing up in a few months, and I may have to find somewhere else to stay. It's annoying because I was getting comfortable for a while there. Kind of feels like the old rollercoaster ups and downs of the last couple of years, with me having no clear idea what I'll be doing in the short term. Basically there's a few things that until now have given me a great feeling of security that may be non-existent in a little while. I'm trying to think of ways that I can change how I live my life to make sure I don't find myself with nowhere to go. Frustratingly, I'm pretty much scared either way, even though I know what's best for me already. All I feel certain of is that there's going to be some hurting regardless. Taking this kind of initiative feels so solitary.
I've been feeling really reflective, and I'm annoyed at myself for being selfish enough to squander so much of what I've been given. Hell, I've been given second and third chances. Every time things go badly I give myself a hard time about it, usually followed up by someone else. Even though I think I've done a reasonable job of getting my shit toether, things just could've been so much better for me right now, and I blame myself entirely. Once again, I'm sorry to Emma for trying her patience, and (oh God, I really don't want to say this) I hope I can meet her rightful expectations, one day.
So yeah, nothing real profound, and I rather not let on in specifics because that is just pathetic. Just standard miserable rant time. Now I go to tell my clients I'm doing ok. If one of them rages I'm going to have to go and have a sob.