(no subject)
i'm in such a dark place right now, and i feel terribly close to the edge of some drastic jumping off point. i have to start over. but i've been running from my problems all my life and i don't want to lose the friends i have now. i haven't really had anyone in my life since erin, and these people distract me from the heaviness of my heart whenever they are around.
i don't miss erin anymore but i'm sad that she's getting married in january and i don't get to celebrate with her. i hate that i've been replaced.
it's hard to be happy. i should meditate again.
but i don't give a shit anymore. i just want to be miserable because my mind is stuck in the past right now, and reliving every destructive mistake that i've made (i think my entire life is a fuck up). the old patterns are creeping back and i get loaded every night and in the morning i wake up and think about getting high, and then i sit on the couch and watch the shit pile up around me and feel overwhelmed by the towering mess of my life... and so i turn my brain off and focus is on mind-numbing activities. i pretend the mess isn't real, but god i can't avoid it anymore. not unless i want to wake up and realize i'm 30 and then jump off a fucking bridge because i still am stuck in that same old shit.
that's how i'd do it. i want to drown in the ocean, or break my neck falling into it.
how do you pretend to love someone when you look at them and realize they're only holding you back from the life you've always wanted, dragging you down into their cess pool where they go about their daily life thinking they are completely happy, but if you removed even one little brick from their equation of happiness, their entire life would crumble. it's not a solid foundation, it's a sham perpetuated by drugs and everything else in this world that provides instant gratification. and i don't feel like i'm strong enough to resist the glowing lure, the neon flashing sign... this way to happiness! even though i've been there before, i know that isn't real happiness. i found real happiness and then...
what happened? i lost it.
i miss being in a place where the bad stuff couldn't touch me. i lost my spirit. my spark of life.
now i sort of just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever.
i was never going to be anyone anyway. might as well.
waste of talent and a thoughtful mind, i am.
so what's it going to be? i won't continue on like this. everything has to change or i'm just going to be done with it all now. am i really so weak that i could consider this?
i fucking hate christmas and new year's. it always finds me mulling over something pathetic and despairing.
rip luke piccoli <3 may your tortured soul find some peace.
i don't miss erin anymore but i'm sad that she's getting married in january and i don't get to celebrate with her. i hate that i've been replaced.
it's hard to be happy. i should meditate again.
but i don't give a shit anymore. i just want to be miserable because my mind is stuck in the past right now, and reliving every destructive mistake that i've made (i think my entire life is a fuck up). the old patterns are creeping back and i get loaded every night and in the morning i wake up and think about getting high, and then i sit on the couch and watch the shit pile up around me and feel overwhelmed by the towering mess of my life... and so i turn my brain off and focus is on mind-numbing activities. i pretend the mess isn't real, but god i can't avoid it anymore. not unless i want to wake up and realize i'm 30 and then jump off a fucking bridge because i still am stuck in that same old shit.
that's how i'd do it. i want to drown in the ocean, or break my neck falling into it.
how do you pretend to love someone when you look at them and realize they're only holding you back from the life you've always wanted, dragging you down into their cess pool where they go about their daily life thinking they are completely happy, but if you removed even one little brick from their equation of happiness, their entire life would crumble. it's not a solid foundation, it's a sham perpetuated by drugs and everything else in this world that provides instant gratification. and i don't feel like i'm strong enough to resist the glowing lure, the neon flashing sign... this way to happiness! even though i've been there before, i know that isn't real happiness. i found real happiness and then...
what happened? i lost it.
i miss being in a place where the bad stuff couldn't touch me. i lost my spirit. my spark of life.
now i sort of just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever.
i was never going to be anyone anyway. might as well.
waste of talent and a thoughtful mind, i am.
so what's it going to be? i won't continue on like this. everything has to change or i'm just going to be done with it all now. am i really so weak that i could consider this?
i fucking hate christmas and new year's. it always finds me mulling over something pathetic and despairing.
rip luke piccoli <3 may your tortured soul find some peace.