May 03, 2011 21:39
what is it about me
that leaves bridges flaming high into the night sky
in my wake, as i keep moving on and on
my loneliness only goes so far as i can throw it
it's still the ball on the end of my chain
i am growing ever so weary of trying to make distance
between myself and something that is absolutely apart of me
even the last year
it's a series of unfortunate events
destroyed relationships
the death of dreams
exiting childhood
i alienate people i weird them out there's something about me something is wrong so fucking wrong i can't help it and then i push them away maybe i'm scared maybe i really just don't need anybody
why do i have to lie?
i am so fake
so manipulative and self-seeking
i am not even sure how to be myself anymore
is it actually impossible for some people to have integrity?
is it something our mothers did to us?
is it a fatal flaw?
i am one big fatal flaw. one tragic character defect. a black heart in the center of a decaying human spirit.
supposedly,
i am doing what is best for me right now.
but it's exactly the way i thought it would be;
i am terribly alone
isolated
depressed
i am so far from the independent woman i had become
i am so far from the excitement and the life i made for myself
i let every single grain of sand slip between my fingers and blow away in the windstorm
i am so far from the party
i should have known that i cannot live without the nightlife
i love the spotlight
i love the music
i love the boys
and i love the drinks, and the drugs
i miss the russian terribly
i did not think that i would
considering all of the things i did over the past few months
how could i possibly have any sort of emotional connection to anything, or anyone
fuck
i do miss pomeroy's
i miss the random strangers on the street recognizing me
complimenting my cooking
telling me i'm the prettiest girl behind the bar there in a long while
i miss the nights i can't hardly remember
i miss the music
i miss the boys
i miss the drinks, and the drugs
why did i fuck it all up?
i couldn't have kept going that way forever, right?
you can't live a life of nonstop hedonism without taking it too far every once in a while.
there really are consequences for everything.
once your luck runs out, it doesn't run back.