Re: I'll comment just because you said not to..thejoydecoyJune 25 2005, 06:34:46 UTC
Sometimes I confuse the hell out of myself. Often I can't find the words to express just how I feel, but I have this upsetting, overwhelming feeling in my head that is just too persistent to ignore. This would be one of those times. Except, it's different this time because it's really long-lasting. That fuckin' song pretty much describes everything.
And I know that you're there if I need to talk, but I can't bring myself to talk about anything anymore. I find it really hard now to talk to anyone. I feel like I'm burdening them in some way. I feel as though somewhere down the line, they're going to hold it against me and throw it my face. (e.g., "Well, I always listen to your problems and give you advice.") No one is humble these days. Everyone expects something even if it's just simple feedback. So, I always feel as though I'm obliged to reciprocate by listening to everyone else's bullshit sob-stories too. And that's exactly how I feel about my situation...just another bullshit sob-story that no one wants to hear. I hate feeling obliged to other people. I hate having to owe anyone anything. I hate to think that situations in my life were dependent on someone else's "kind-hearted generosity" towards me, when all it was was a ploy to boost their ego by making them feel like a big person. But what good does that do if they don't receive feedback? How else would they know they're a "good person" if someone else didn't tell them? Again...no one is humble these days.
So...I don't talk to anyone. And I know damn-well that not everyone is like that but I still have that feeling in the back of my mind. I realize that it will probably lead to my driving people away and it probably has before, but I just don't care anymore. People are disgusting. They're selfish and constantly crave feedback and when you hold back from telling them something, they take it as a personal insult against them.
Feeling the way I do right now and have been feeling for a while is not something I'm proud of. I don't know what the hell my problem is, I just want to be rid of it.
Re: I'll comment just because you said not to..rx_patientJune 25 2005, 06:51:56 UTC
Ah Mark.. people are only selfish when they don't have real feelings for the person they're listening to. You're NEVER burdening me, I LOVE talking to you and listening to you. If that wasn't the case, I wouldn't still be around after all of this time. I wish you wouldn't try to push me away..I guess it was because I was completely honest with you the other night. Maybe I shouldn't have said all that I did. If you're not proud of this feeling, why keep it up? You CAN help it.. if anyone, you're being the selfish one right now. Now I feel like shit.. but don't worry about me, I wouldn't want you to worry about anyone other than yourself.
And I know that you're there if I need to talk, but I can't bring myself to talk about anything anymore. I find it really hard now to talk to anyone. I feel like I'm burdening them in some way. I feel as though somewhere down the line, they're going to hold it against me and throw it my face. (e.g., "Well, I always listen to your problems and give you advice.") No one is humble these days. Everyone expects something even if it's just simple feedback. So, I always feel as though I'm obliged to reciprocate by listening to everyone else's bullshit sob-stories too. And that's exactly how I feel about my situation...just another bullshit sob-story that no one wants to hear. I hate feeling obliged to other people. I hate having to owe anyone anything. I hate to think that situations in my life were dependent on someone else's "kind-hearted generosity" towards me, when all it was was a ploy to boost their ego by making them feel like a big person. But what good does that do if they don't receive feedback? How else would they know they're a "good person" if someone else didn't tell them? Again...no one is humble these days.
So...I don't talk to anyone. And I know damn-well that not everyone is like that but I still have that feeling in the back of my mind. I realize that it will probably lead to my driving people away and it probably has before, but I just don't care anymore. People are disgusting. They're selfish and constantly crave feedback and when you hold back from telling them something, they take it as a personal insult against them.
Feeling the way I do right now and have been feeling for a while is not something I'm proud of. I don't know what the hell my problem is, I just want to be rid of it.
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