(no subject)
As the time to my departure from this city to go home for summer draws near once again, I've had a significant amount of time to reflect. The conclusions I have reached are neither profound nor devestating, however. It is at this point that I have realized that I need to stop dwelling on the would-have-, should-have-, and could-have-beens. It is time that I disregard past failures and unfinished endeavors. Essentially, I have come to the conclusion that this is where I re-start my adult life.
My first attempt at starting my adult life, I believe, can not exactly be described as a start as I was actively trying to surpress it. And although many who know me well would have testified that I was previously all too eager to begin my adult life, nothing could be farther from the truth. Yes, I wanted a steady relationship. No, I wasn't into the "party scene." Yes, I wanted to pursue post-secondary educatoin. But the cross that was my new responsibilities was almost too heavy to bear. Having to deal with the responsiblities was my crucifixion.
I entered into university trying to maintain a long-distance relationship with a girl I wasn't really in love with. But holding on to the relationship meant holding on to a major part of my adolescence. Clearly, I was not ready to be nailed to the cross. I became extremely anti-social (more-so than I had previously been) and I closed myself off from the outside world save for going to lectures and labs and occasionally doing some grocery shopping. I managed to adequately maintain my sanity and composure by mostly reading and listening to music. I needed to keep my mind off of reality. I had a window in my room which provided me with all of the reality I could deal with at the time. I quickly became accustomed to being alone. It was almost frightening how quickly I adapted to this new found state of independence. I mentioned that I was not prepared for university. What I mean by this statement is that I was not prepared unconsciously. Consciously, I was able to convince myself that this was my destiny. I still had a girlfriend to go "home" to when the year was over. Just like the sheep go to work from 9 to 5 day-after-day, this is the mindset I took towards school. I was there to perform my duties as a student. When the year was over, I would go home to my real life again.
As time progressed, and as I became more familiarized with the daily routine of a typical university student, I began to realize my under-developed unconscious compulsions. I yearned for company. I yearned for a new life. I yearned for a new relationship. It wasn't until after Christmas of my 2nd year of university when I ended my relationship of 6 years. And although this provided me the perfect opportunity to start fresh, I dismissed it. I remained anti-social and enclosed within 4 walls. The internet became my reality and the means by which I would acquire a new relationship. But this, of course, was not to be. And why would it have been? Internet relationships go against my opinions. But when you're in a fantasy world where nothing in reality matters, your "unreality" becomes your new reality. To me, it was a legitimate relationship.
But it ended in my 3rd year of university. And I decided to try my hand at reality once again. But, once again, I fell into it too fast. I was not prepared for another relationship, yet I dove into one. There were definately many signs that it was not going to work out. And it didn't. But I decided to take her back in 4th year. Notice how I have not mentioned any emphasis being put on school activities? Although I was still concerned with grades, there was not nearly enough emphasis placed on performing well in school. My reality was not being regulated. My reality was riddled with idiosyncracies that obscured vision of the "right" path.
Enter 4th year. It began with a relationship that shouldn't have. I surpressed the stress that should have dominated my life. I ignored thinking about my future. My future was with her and that was all I was concerned about. I was in my "unreality" once again. Mind you, I still worked hard in school, but it wasn't for the right reasons. I wasn't doing it for me. Then, when it ended, I was faced with reality once again. The stress that should have been dealt with piece by piece was then thrown at me in its whole form.
Enter this journal entry. I am in reality again. I need to sort everything out that needs sorting before I find another "unreality" to be absorbed into. I have lived and I have learned and this is my new level. I can see where it is that I want to go. I can see the real me now. I know what I want and what I don't want. I am satisfied in my independence. I have realized what will be a burden to me. And I am willing to let go of my inhibitions. I am willing to suffer and endure the pain in order to ultimately achieve what I am stiving for. And I have a feeling that my next "unreality" will be when I am in my perfect life after I have achieved what I am striving for. I can't guarantee success for myself, but I am more than willing to try. I will not settle on anything anymore just to placate someone. I'm not happy right now, but I'm satisfied with my situation. This, I can tolerate.
Life is shit until you realize that life is shit. Once you realize this (I mean, really realize it), you can begin to manipulate it. The "shit" is life experiences. Without these, you cannot learn. Therefore, you need life to be shit.
I suppose these are my words of advice for anyone struggling with the pain of having to deal with reality. I know they are in no way inspiring. But I am a realist and a pessimist. This is as optimistic as I get.
My first attempt at starting my adult life, I believe, can not exactly be described as a start as I was actively trying to surpress it. And although many who know me well would have testified that I was previously all too eager to begin my adult life, nothing could be farther from the truth. Yes, I wanted a steady relationship. No, I wasn't into the "party scene." Yes, I wanted to pursue post-secondary educatoin. But the cross that was my new responsibilities was almost too heavy to bear. Having to deal with the responsiblities was my crucifixion.
I entered into university trying to maintain a long-distance relationship with a girl I wasn't really in love with. But holding on to the relationship meant holding on to a major part of my adolescence. Clearly, I was not ready to be nailed to the cross. I became extremely anti-social (more-so than I had previously been) and I closed myself off from the outside world save for going to lectures and labs and occasionally doing some grocery shopping. I managed to adequately maintain my sanity and composure by mostly reading and listening to music. I needed to keep my mind off of reality. I had a window in my room which provided me with all of the reality I could deal with at the time. I quickly became accustomed to being alone. It was almost frightening how quickly I adapted to this new found state of independence. I mentioned that I was not prepared for university. What I mean by this statement is that I was not prepared unconsciously. Consciously, I was able to convince myself that this was my destiny. I still had a girlfriend to go "home" to when the year was over. Just like the sheep go to work from 9 to 5 day-after-day, this is the mindset I took towards school. I was there to perform my duties as a student. When the year was over, I would go home to my real life again.
As time progressed, and as I became more familiarized with the daily routine of a typical university student, I began to realize my under-developed unconscious compulsions. I yearned for company. I yearned for a new life. I yearned for a new relationship. It wasn't until after Christmas of my 2nd year of university when I ended my relationship of 6 years. And although this provided me the perfect opportunity to start fresh, I dismissed it. I remained anti-social and enclosed within 4 walls. The internet became my reality and the means by which I would acquire a new relationship. But this, of course, was not to be. And why would it have been? Internet relationships go against my opinions. But when you're in a fantasy world where nothing in reality matters, your "unreality" becomes your new reality. To me, it was a legitimate relationship.
But it ended in my 3rd year of university. And I decided to try my hand at reality once again. But, once again, I fell into it too fast. I was not prepared for another relationship, yet I dove into one. There were definately many signs that it was not going to work out. And it didn't. But I decided to take her back in 4th year. Notice how I have not mentioned any emphasis being put on school activities? Although I was still concerned with grades, there was not nearly enough emphasis placed on performing well in school. My reality was not being regulated. My reality was riddled with idiosyncracies that obscured vision of the "right" path.
Enter 4th year. It began with a relationship that shouldn't have. I surpressed the stress that should have dominated my life. I ignored thinking about my future. My future was with her and that was all I was concerned about. I was in my "unreality" once again. Mind you, I still worked hard in school, but it wasn't for the right reasons. I wasn't doing it for me. Then, when it ended, I was faced with reality once again. The stress that should have been dealt with piece by piece was then thrown at me in its whole form.
Enter this journal entry. I am in reality again. I need to sort everything out that needs sorting before I find another "unreality" to be absorbed into. I have lived and I have learned and this is my new level. I can see where it is that I want to go. I can see the real me now. I know what I want and what I don't want. I am satisfied in my independence. I have realized what will be a burden to me. And I am willing to let go of my inhibitions. I am willing to suffer and endure the pain in order to ultimately achieve what I am stiving for. And I have a feeling that my next "unreality" will be when I am in my perfect life after I have achieved what I am striving for. I can't guarantee success for myself, but I am more than willing to try. I will not settle on anything anymore just to placate someone. I'm not happy right now, but I'm satisfied with my situation. This, I can tolerate.
Life is shit until you realize that life is shit. Once you realize this (I mean, really realize it), you can begin to manipulate it. The "shit" is life experiences. Without these, you cannot learn. Therefore, you need life to be shit.
I suppose these are my words of advice for anyone struggling with the pain of having to deal with reality. I know they are in no way inspiring. But I am a realist and a pessimist. This is as optimistic as I get.