Reality Check
So on the first day of my midwinter break, I decided to give myself a bit of a reality check. Here goes nothing....
1. I am not liked by anyone nor cared for by anyone and I never will be. I don't know if it is because I'm a fat lard and no one wants to be seen with me or because there is just something wrong with me. But after all the cases of being left out and used, I finally realize that I am not accepted and will never be accepted by anyone anytime soon. So I should just shut the fuck up and not try so hard for recognition.
2. I need to lose weight. Not because I think it is a big reason that I am judged so quickly and no one gives the time to get to know the real me (because it is) but it's concerning to my health. Plus with the football season revving up soon I'm going to have to get back into shape.
3. The world has a certain status quo that you must meet in order to be accepted by a certain group. For example, with me, because I am overweight, I will constantly be ignored and disrespected because of the way I look. I'm not being a bitch, it's just the truth. I guarantee you that if I drop 50-60 lbs, I will be more respected. Not being bitchy, just telling it like it is.
4. I have to shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear what I've got to say. Hell no one even wants to hold a motherfucking conversation with me. I'll give you an example.
imabigguy22: Hey.
person: Hey.
imabigguy22: How was school?
person: O srry i gtg now. later!
person signed off at...
Yes, that is fucking bullshit.
5. If I'm ever going to succeed in life, I have to make my own decisions. I can't let others decide for me anymore. It's time to stop being so freaking bashful and just voice what I want to do.
6. I hate church. I hate our church in particular. Too many restrictions and all. But besides that, aren't the people in church supposed to be more welcoming and more friendly? Then why is it that people at church are the biggest bitches in the universe? Every single goddamned person in that church. There is always some sort of drama in KUMC. Plus there is the fact that I'm the most unappreciated member in our entire leadership. That might be my personal opinion, but let's face it. I'm cleaning up everything by myself (and our church isn't exactly a trailer. It's fucking huge) and I sit down to take a break and some other leader tells me I'm not dedicated and I should finish my work because anyone can do it. Well if anyone can do it, you pick up the motherfucking mop and the vaccum and do it yourself. Fact is, I'm done with the whole concept of KUMC. I am going to switch churches. Too much drama at our church. I have to leave for my own benefit.
7. I find school to be my solitude. It was weird because last year, church was the greatest place ever. My church friends would actually care about me and what I do. But now all my church friends have either turned into preps, jocks, or sluts. Take your pick. Obviously, I am not a prep, jock, or a slut. So I get left out to dry until these "friends" need me to do something. Then they use me and when they're done, they hang me to dry again. My school friends don't do that. At this point, I don't care if all of them drink so much that I get influenced and start partying with them. I just know that at the end of the day, my school friends will be there for me and my church friends won't.
8. I think I am turning into a stage of depression. Not like mental illness depression, just a little stage. I don't know, it's just that after being hurt so many times over, I don't know how I can go on with all this crapload that I'm dealing with. It hurts when I put my trust in someone and they just leave because I'm not "cool" enough.
So basically, I need to lose weight, and I am never ever going to try and be friendly at church ever again. It never works.
No one is going to read this so I think I'm fine voicing what I think.
1. I am not liked by anyone nor cared for by anyone and I never will be. I don't know if it is because I'm a fat lard and no one wants to be seen with me or because there is just something wrong with me. But after all the cases of being left out and used, I finally realize that I am not accepted and will never be accepted by anyone anytime soon. So I should just shut the fuck up and not try so hard for recognition.
2. I need to lose weight. Not because I think it is a big reason that I am judged so quickly and no one gives the time to get to know the real me (because it is) but it's concerning to my health. Plus with the football season revving up soon I'm going to have to get back into shape.
3. The world has a certain status quo that you must meet in order to be accepted by a certain group. For example, with me, because I am overweight, I will constantly be ignored and disrespected because of the way I look. I'm not being a bitch, it's just the truth. I guarantee you that if I drop 50-60 lbs, I will be more respected. Not being bitchy, just telling it like it is.
4. I have to shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear what I've got to say. Hell no one even wants to hold a motherfucking conversation with me. I'll give you an example.
imabigguy22: Hey.
person: Hey.
imabigguy22: How was school?
person: O srry i gtg now. later!
person signed off at...
Yes, that is fucking bullshit.
5. If I'm ever going to succeed in life, I have to make my own decisions. I can't let others decide for me anymore. It's time to stop being so freaking bashful and just voice what I want to do.
6. I hate church. I hate our church in particular. Too many restrictions and all. But besides that, aren't the people in church supposed to be more welcoming and more friendly? Then why is it that people at church are the biggest bitches in the universe? Every single goddamned person in that church. There is always some sort of drama in KUMC. Plus there is the fact that I'm the most unappreciated member in our entire leadership. That might be my personal opinion, but let's face it. I'm cleaning up everything by myself (and our church isn't exactly a trailer. It's fucking huge) and I sit down to take a break and some other leader tells me I'm not dedicated and I should finish my work because anyone can do it. Well if anyone can do it, you pick up the motherfucking mop and the vaccum and do it yourself. Fact is, I'm done with the whole concept of KUMC. I am going to switch churches. Too much drama at our church. I have to leave for my own benefit.
7. I find school to be my solitude. It was weird because last year, church was the greatest place ever. My church friends would actually care about me and what I do. But now all my church friends have either turned into preps, jocks, or sluts. Take your pick. Obviously, I am not a prep, jock, or a slut. So I get left out to dry until these "friends" need me to do something. Then they use me and when they're done, they hang me to dry again. My school friends don't do that. At this point, I don't care if all of them drink so much that I get influenced and start partying with them. I just know that at the end of the day, my school friends will be there for me and my church friends won't.
8. I think I am turning into a stage of depression. Not like mental illness depression, just a little stage. I don't know, it's just that after being hurt so many times over, I don't know how I can go on with all this crapload that I'm dealing with. It hurts when I put my trust in someone and they just leave because I'm not "cool" enough.
So basically, I need to lose weight, and I am never ever going to try and be friendly at church ever again. It never works.
No one is going to read this so I think I'm fine voicing what I think.