Bullshit

[thejoshlee22]

So last week sucked majorly. Friday night was amazing, but everything else was a bunch of bullshit. (PS I will swear in amounts that even surprise me in this entry so if you don't like swear words then you should go somewhere else). Now that we have that little momento up, lets pour out some feelings.(No one reads this journal anyways, so it doesnt really matter). So this sunday I do the normal routine. Come out after service and was talking to some people. All of a sudden comes a staffer ( I will not say the name ) and this staffer goes, "Hey Josh the sanctuary's a mess. Go clean up" WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? I swear I hate my job so much. The things that I pick up in the sanctuary are appalling. Last week was a first. I picked up a bottle of motherfucking lip gloss. LIP GLOSS? This youth group is full of fucking bullshit. The whole damn leadership is full of bullshit. Everyone is always talking about how we should get the youth group closer to God, when just about every youth group member don't even know God that well themselves. The staff is corrupt as hell. Every single day you see some staffer picking favorites. It's not like our leadership body is a pack of fucking cattle. If you can't look at us with the same amount of respect and love, then you are doing the wrong motherfucking job. It's probably why I'm on fucking cleanup crew. Didn't make praise team so they couldn't figure out where Josh Lee should go. So they stick me on the job that no one else wants to do. Why wasn't I surprised? Because it's always me. I know it sounds selfish, but at the given moment, I really don't give a shit. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME it's always ME! I'm ALWAYS the odd man out. ALWAYS. Just about everyone makes the job they want to make on leadership. Except me. I get stuck with having the same job as that midget dipshit that walks around screaming for no reason. What the fucking hell? Every single time someone asks a group of people if they want to hang out, who do they leave out in that big group? Why of course it's me! Why not leave out the worthless fatass janitor? For special praise, right before I go up, Jon Shin breaks his string. Ok that's fine, they're gonna give me a new guitar right? FUCK NO! So then I humiliate myself in front of the whole fucking church. At our little meetings, we bring up nice little topics and they ask us to share our opinions. I give an honest opinion and all the motherfuckers are down my throat, telling me I don't have the right fucking heart. HEART?!?!? You bust your ass every single fucking week to make sure that God's house stays clean, get no credit, get ridiculed, yelled at, and unappreciated, then stick around and do the same fucking thing for half a year, THEN tell me I don't have the right heart. FUCK this. It's BULLSHIT. I think I finally realize that I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. I know now that the people that I thought I was close to really don't give a shit. People who I would have given the world for turned their back on me. And for what? Because I wasn't good enough. That's why. I'm an ugly, fat, stupid, bitchy, motherfucking asshole that no one wants to get to know. There, I said it. I'm an ass. And all this time, I didn't even know. The way I see it, since no one wants me around anymore, I'm just going to shut the fuck up and leave everyone alone. No one wants me to say anything, so I won't. Then I'll bust out of this shit town as soon as possible and move back to New York. I talk about it to my family a lot. And now I realize that New York is my real home. It's where my real friends are. The ones who care about me and my family. When times were tough, they would pay the bills for us. When I was hurt, they would comfort me. I don't find anything here. I failed miserably in Troy, Michigan. Fuck life, fuck my "friends", and fuck everything else in this crap town. I've had enough...
There are people that really do care for me here. I'm sorry if you guys thought I was talking about you, because I wasn't. I'm sorry...