(no subject)
2008
I'm going to start this entry by saying I have a degree of uncertainty over whether this year was really as good as I thought it was. I'm scared that my new found optimism, shopping and drug habits have helped me glaze over the reality, so I've got until the end of this entry to convince myself that everything was real, brilliant and actually fabulous. Please be open-minded while you read this. Everyone will have their own judgments re drugs etc, but try to pay attention: I'm honest about my experiences and like to think I've done more than just alter my state of mind on the weekend.
The first few hours of this year were spent high as a kite on pills at a party in Brighton, intermittently kissing the boy who I was in love with (and dating at the time). It's a recipe for absolute happiness, but I was restless. I'd been restless for the past few months, and wasn't sure whether this was just my increased drug usage or something different. I was in the habit of arriving somewhere, spending an hour or so there, feeling uncomfortable and being absolutely driven to leave and go somewhere else. I "needed" to leave this party and go to another one across the other side of town. After two hours at that party, I "needed" to go to town, and after an hour in town I "needed" to go home. At the time I thought it was just drugs, but I now realise that the "needing" and feeling so compelled to do something extends to everything in my life. When I want to do something, I know I NEED to do it, and do it now. I feel compelled to leave jobs, leave people, buy this, wear this, say this, take this.
I tried hard to figure out what was wrong with me, despite being annoyed and frustrated with Psychologists and Psychiatrists I'd seen in previous years. My sexuality was a big issue for me. While I'd previously found it easy to deal with being bisexual (also, I fucking hate that word and its connotations, but I'll use it for the purpose of this entry because anything else is too difficult), I was struggling. I think that bisexuals really get looked over in terms of identity. No matter what people say, we'll never truly "fit in" with the gay scene. That being said, I certainly made some great friends through it. 2008 was the year of my first girlfriend who lasted more than a month. Her name is Haley, and we've broken up now. I learned a lot from being with her. We had some incredible times. However, while we could make each other incredibly happy, we also made each other sad. If we hadn't had weeks dedicated to our shitty full time jobs and weekends dedicated to peaking and coming down, we might have worked. I was in love with her and in love with our life for a while. I don't really talk to her now (and she's probably one of the first exes I haven't stayed friends with), but I hope she's doing well.
Being driven to do things isn't all bad - you can get things done very quickly (finding a new job is usually pretty easy) and I find that it causes less fuss emotionally. It's also resulted in a career change for me - Make Up. Before this year, I'd always liked make up, but was never quite certain on using it and was too self-conscious to ask for help. I enrolled in a course at Media Make Up Academy early this year to learn to do many different types of make up, hair and styling, and certainly reaped the benefits. I have shifted from a sedentary office environment to a more creative one, and I am loving it. I feel like I've found a career path I want to continue on for a while. My own style changed a little too. I've gone from a dyed-black chelsea cut to a dyed-blonde pixie cut. I've incorporated colour into my wardrobe and started to learn the joy of accessorising. Hell, I even got a bit creative and made a t-shirt dress. Sometimes the highlight of the weekend was getting ready and doing my (and friends') make up.
Back to the weekends. Throughout the year, my drug use increased a lot. A lot. Oh, and by the way, the restlessness I mentioned in the second paragraph was gone by July. Sometimes I feel like I need to slow down (and I have over the past two weeks). I can't help but think back to the article I read about Ecstasy being used to treat depression a couple of decades ago. I know it depletes serotonin levels, but I wonder how much of that is outweighed by the amazing memories from a night out? For me, the prospect of a night feeling so perfect and happy is enough to make me smile. I will always know that I CAN feel that good, that I have the option of blissing out. I like the ritual of ecstasy. I like to get dressed up in fabrics, colours and adornments that will bring delight when I'm peaking. I like dropping the first pill with a vodka diet coke in the bathroom, or being sneaky and doing it in public. I love the tingles when it first starts to kick in, and I have to go to the toilet, and looking up at the mirror and seeing it kick in, seeing everything and everyone including myself become 200% more appealing. Dancing slowly out of time, touching people and realising that they are wearing the softest fabric you've ever felt, that their skin is even smoother and lovelier than the fabric. Simple. I love going home and talking for four hours about things I couldn't normally say, and even if they're sad things it's ok. I love waking up the next morning and still buzzing a little, going for a shop run for my comedown food (I've never been affected by the appetite suppressant aspect) and sharing it with friends.
I found comfort in weekends, and I also found comfort in friends. The Tardis (like an evolution of the Bat Cave I lived in during 2007) was named after one of its inhabitants - Shlee, my best friend, who is strange and sometimes runs off to random places. We joke that he can travel to any point in time and space. He'll run off for five minutes and come back having completed any number of tasks. Tardis inhabitants were the people I spent most time with this year, bar Haley. Shlee, Duncan, Vinny, Mark and Dee were permanent residents while Meg, Nina and EmK all passed through from time to time. As one friend put it, you can't really walk into the Tardis expecting everything to be normal. There is always someone playing an instrument loudly, yelling nonsensical things, celebrating their successes (our bunch has really come a long way and evolved in our hobbies and careers), getting high or just being batshit insane in the best kind of way. This consistent inconsistency makes me so happy, and I feel like I've found people I can be completely comfortable around (I feel ok wearing minimal/no make up, stupid shit like lenseless glasses and carrying a pink poodle bag). Nothing feels forced.
Most of my life has been spent feeling forced, uncomfortable and insecure. I feel like I should wake up and realise that I am actually pretty fucking hideous, that life is full of despair and nothing else and that the light at the end of the tunnel went out hours ago, and there's no backup generator. But I know enough to realise that I AM awake for the first time. Fuck dreams, I don't even need them anymore. This is real and I'm going to appreciate it.
Here's a tally of some of the important things:
Broke up with boyfriend - Twice. Got back together once.
Moved house - Five times.
Changed hair - Six times.
Changed jobs - Three times.
Lost phone - Twice.
Dropped - Approximately 100 times.
.
And recently. Peaceful.
