my romantic epiphany
ok i dont want this statement to hurt anyones feelings.... bc all of you who listen to me bitch and cry about marty all the time DO help me a LOT. but it seems like whenever i talk to him about this stuff i end up feeling content bc i kinda dissect it with him and am completely honest with what i want. and i just realized that he and i want the same damn thing from each other- we seek each other out for companionship and yes, great sex. =P but to be 100% honest, i dont really want a serious relationship with him any more than he does. i know it will end badly and wont work, and well hurt each other.
i think ive finally realized what really gets to me about his constant declarations of "no relationship".... it just hurts my self-esteem a lot. its ridiculously shallow but im beginning to understand that thats what i am- shallow- when it comes to guys. i want every guy to want me, and i love feeling sought-after, even if i have no interest in those seeking me. so it kills me that he DOESNT want me. and to be honest- seriously dead-honest- its not that i want to date him so bad- i guess its that (i know this will make me sound terrible but ill be truthful) im drawn to the challenge of it. i want to be able to make him want me.
lol so far ive been sucking at it but now that ive reached my epiphany, im done with it. of course, i still wish he wanted to date me, but now i can be honest with myself and remember that its not what i really want and plus it would never work anyways. so until i leave, im going to be content with what we do have, and continue to use him for little bits of happiness and companionship. and hope that hes ok with that.
i think ive finally realized what really gets to me about his constant declarations of "no relationship".... it just hurts my self-esteem a lot. its ridiculously shallow but im beginning to understand that thats what i am- shallow- when it comes to guys. i want every guy to want me, and i love feeling sought-after, even if i have no interest in those seeking me. so it kills me that he DOESNT want me. and to be honest- seriously dead-honest- its not that i want to date him so bad- i guess its that (i know this will make me sound terrible but ill be truthful) im drawn to the challenge of it. i want to be able to make him want me.
lol so far ive been sucking at it but now that ive reached my epiphany, im done with it. of course, i still wish he wanted to date me, but now i can be honest with myself and remember that its not what i really want and plus it would never work anyways. so until i leave, im going to be content with what we do have, and continue to use him for little bits of happiness and companionship. and hope that hes ok with that.