(no subject)
so i was just wondering where these girls are. the girls that you hear about in the songs, the ones who break the guys hearts and leave them with nothing. the ones who play mind games and have other guys on the side. i feel like these girls dont exist. i dont know em.. every guy i know is like that tho. a player, heart breaker all that good stuff. its just something that has been bothering me for the past year. i listen to the alternative/punk/rock/ emo music and every other line in the songs are about girls who break the guys heart. and im singing along totally relating to the song, i just have to change the "she" to a "he" when i sing along. every song... from dashboard confessional to taking back sunday to fall out boy to papa roach to AFI to everything i hear on the radio. this is rediculous... we arent like this, its the boys who do it to us. they break our hearts, lie to us and strip us of everything, we give them all of us and they use anbd abuse us. now im just talking in general. i mean i dont know what to say n e more. when i was so close to doing it and then, thinking he was being persuasive saying "trust me" over and over again, he was really doing the opposite, you see i love him to death and we ARE best friends but i know for a fact that i cant trust him. i know that and i remeber telling myself how i dont trust him at all and i never will be able to. so the other night when he kept saying that i just knew that i shouldn't. i knew i would regret it so much. so i didnt. thank god. it was the right thing to do. it was so hard to say no but i knew it was what i had to do, for me, of no one else. he says that he isnt talking to kim or jill or vanessa. and i know that he doesnt have feelings for jill or vanessa but kim... i know a part of him loves her and even tho he says that he cant stand her and he thinks she is psycho and he will never get back with her i dont believe him. she called him 24 times that night. he ignored every single one of those calls. but she still called, that shows that something has to be going on there. so whats pissing me off the most is that every single one of my friends ... girls and guys... every one i freaking know has totally lost respect for me. they have told me it to my face. one of my friends even told me i disgust her. im not that girl. i dont wanna be that girl. he has made me her tho. he has turned me into one of them. but still if he were to call me right now i know that he would make everything fine. he has the ways of doing that. i dont know how he does it but he is so good at it. he tells me he wont break my heat again. bull shit. i know for a fact that he would.. that is if i gave him the chance. what am i saying he has my heart in the palm of his hands right now. he knows this too. my friends keep telling me to get over him. i love him tho. he isnt perfect and i know this but i cant stay away from him. i know i shouldnt love him but i cant help who i fall for. it has been on and off for a year now. it has been one hell of a roller coaster. filled with soo many highs, too many lows. he has made me cry COUNTLESS times. but i look at it like everytime i kiss him is worth a thousand tears i would cry for him. thats a crappy ass philosophy. uggh. im so confused. when im with him im soo happy. one more kiss could be the best thing... one more lie could be the worst. k well if u think that im crazy and need to give up on him then shut up and dont bother commenting. think just like everyone else that im being used and u can have less respect for me. whatever. ur not there when its just me and him, u dont know. i have like no time cuz of this whole college thing. when i was there for orientation i kept thinking how much i was going to miss him, and everyone. i dont wanna be with him cuz i know that when i leave for college i leave him. long distance relationships deff. not going to work and there is no way i would ever try that with him. so i dont know what i want. i guess what i have with him is good cuz we are best friends but still have romance too. so if this is what i want then why am i so damn torn up inside? this isnt for ur eyes. i know ur reading it but im just writing this to get it off my chest, dont respond. i cant take advice from u all n e more its the same shit. when i leave i want to be on good terms with him. i dont want to be in my dorm thinking of him with other girls. how is that going to happen within the next 2 months i have no idea. i cant be heartbroken in college, i cant cuz i dont have the usual people to comfort me up there and i wouldnt want my roommate to think i was a crazy person crying myself to sleep every night. so my new goal is to get emotionally de-tached from him. god please help me with this one cuz im for sure going to need it. shit this isnt going to work....