(no subject)
an old play... not really a play -- something different; absurd
(Lights dawn. The NARRATOR, well-groomed and wearing a black suit, steps onto the stage, arriving right, downstage. The stage is set up as the living room of an apartment, owned by PAIGE, a young woman wearing a red dress. The only necessary items are: a table with a few chairs to the right, upstage, and a closet, the inside of which can be seen by the audience, to the left. The rest of the room should be furnished according to the limitations of the stage and the director’s effort)
NARRATOR: (Spreads his arms, embracing the audience) Welcome, good people. (Smiles amiably) Ours is a story of unrequited love. (Chuckles) It is a story of a girl named Paige (Enter PAIGE. She walks around, tidying the apartment) who is loved hopelessly and relentlessly by poor Edmund. (A knock is heard on the door communicating the hallway to the apartment) Let us watch… (Steps back to watch, hands folded, partially out of the light)
PAIGE (Tidying herself up very quickly, looking nervous): Just a moment! (To herself) He’s early! (She reaches the door, pulls it open. In falls EDMUND)
EDMUND: Paige!
PAIGE (Surprised): Edmund!
EDMUND (Nervous and embarrassed): … Hi
PAIGE: Hi, Edmund.
EDMUND: (Stumbling around) Th-that’s a l-lovely dress you’re w-wearing.
PAIGE (A little confused by his presence but polite all the same): Well, thank you, Edmund.
NARRATOR (At EDMUND): Yes, it quite matches the hue of your face! (Snickers)
(EDMUND throws a shocked look toward the NARRATOR, but soon reinvests his attention in PAIGE)
EDMUND (Completely and hopelessly lost): I… I…
PAIGE: Yes, Edmund?
EDMUND: I… I…
PAIGE: (Checks the clock) Edmund, as much as I love your company… I mean don’t be offended or anything… (Checks the clock again) The thing is I am expecting my date to arrive in about ten or fifteen minutes…
EDMUND: Oh… Right. Of course. I understand…
PAIGE (Politely): So, was there something you wanted to see me about? You did sort of fall right in…
EDMUND (Dumbfounded): I… I…
NARRATOR (Stepping forward, arms akimbo, with an air of condescension): I think what he’s trying to say is…
EDMUND: (Emerging from his paralysis, to the NARRATOR) Shut up, you! (He lifts his fist and shakes it)
(PAIGE smiles pleasantly)
EDMUND: (Stepping toward her) I… I…
PAIGE (Leaning closer): Yes? What is it, Edmund?
EDMUND (Raising his right hand, as if the right words were written there): I… I…
NARRATOR (Shouting): Line!
(PAIGE and EDMUND turn to the NARRATOR, shocked at this outburst. He advances onto the stage)
EDMUND: (Gathering his senses) Hey! What are you doing!
NARRATOR: (Mocks) “I… I…” Come on! Eddie, Eddie. (Stifles EDMUND’s coming interruption) You sissy! You ninny! You -
PAIGE (Stepping forward, ready to hit the NARRATOR): Jerk!
NARRATOR: No, wait, wait. It gets good. (Mocks) “I… I…” (Laughs)
EDMUND: (Growing angry) What are you doing here!
NARRATOR: (To PAIGE) What he wants to tell you is that he loves you! How’s that! (To EDMUND) You looked like you needed some help. You… (His words are swallowed by his laughter)
EDMUND: Why…
NARRATOR: (Emphasizes with his hands) We went over it a thousand times!
EDMUND (Growing angrier. He’s trembling): …
NARRATOR: Edmund! You’re growing angrier! You’re trembling!
PAIGE (to the NARRATOR): You’re wicked!
(EDMUND retrieves a knife. He holds it up threateningly toward the NARRATOR)
NARRATOR: (Ceases laughing) Eddie, Eddie… Woah, boy. (Puts his hands out, as if to say “Advance no further”)
EDMUND: (Advancing) You…
NARRATOR: Me?
PAIGE: Him?
EDMUND: You!
PAIGE: (Her hand steals to her bosom. She gasps) Oh…
NARRATOR: Let’s take it easy, Eddie… (Backs up)
EDMUND: Not this time… (The knife quivers in his fist) You’ve been riding on me for too long…
NARRATOR: Let’s be reasonable! I’m the narrator! Without me, who should narrate! (He looks to the audience, seeking support)
(EDMUND steps closer, the NARRATOR backs up. They are nearing the right wing)
PAIGE: Oh… (She pulls out a chair and falls into it)
(EDMUND leaps forward, the knife foremost)
(PAIGE covers her eyes)
(EDMUND inserts the blade up to its hilt into the NARRATOR’s abdomen. The NARRATOR resists death - grotesque noises of protest are heard - but then is pulled into submission. He lies limp. EDMUND withdraws the knife. The blade wears a keen red coat.
(EDMUND steps back, his eyes fixed on the body)
PAIGE: (Weeping) Is it over?
EDMUND (Vaguely): Yes, he’s gone now.
PAIGE: (She uncovers her eyes to see the corpse. She gasps) But he’s still right there!
EDMUND (Vaguely still): Yes…
(Suddenly, there comes a bang on the door, as if the ominous solemnity had been waiting for this so that it might resign)
MAN’S VOICE: This is an officer of the law! (Bang, bang. The door rattles in its frame) Open the door immediately!
(Both PAIGE and EDMUND jump up! EDMUND, in his surprise, drops the knife. It lands on the DEAD NARRATOR’s stomach, causing him to jolt)
PAIGE: (Thinking quickly) Just a moment!
(Bang, bang!
(PAIGE and EDMUND run frantically around the room, as if electrically charged. EDMUND tosses the knife to the left side of the stage)
PAIGE: I’ll be there in a moment!
(PAIGE and EDMUND’s glances arrive upon each other’s. Their arms are cocked up, indicating their complete surprise)
EDMUND and PAIGE: !!!!!!!
(Bang, bang, BANG! An unseen fist encourages the door to jump out of the jamb)
PAIGE (In a low, desperate whisper): Help me, Edmund! (She leans down to the narrator, grabbing his shoulders) Quickly! Help me get him under the table!
(EDMUND grabs the DEAD NARRATOR’s feet and helps pull him under the table. Next, PAIGE pushes EDMUND to the closet, stage left. She runs, picks up the knife, hands it to him, opens the closet door, and throws him within. She slams the door shut. EDMUND is visible to the audience)
PAIGE (To herself): Okay… Just pretend as if nothing’s happened.
MAN’S VOICE (Booming): This is an officer of the law! Open up!
(PAIGE runs to the door, straightens her dress, fluffs her hair.
(Enter the OFFICER, costumed appropriately)
OFFICER: (Stepping in, chest out, arms akimbo. He stares into her) Ah, Officer Looovecraft present. You have the right to remain sexy.
(PAIGE shuts the door, giggling.
(The OFFICER puts her waist between his hands. He draws her in.
(EDMUND reacts violently)
PAIGE: (Dropping her head back) Oh, Sammy… You’re dressed up like a police officer… Oh, Sammy…
(Their lips meet. They kiss with passion)
EDMUND (To the audience): They’re kissing! (He swallows hard, presses his ear against the door) With passion!
(SAMMY and PAIGE begin flirting, though their words cannot be understood)
PAIGE: Oh, Sammy… (He removes his police hat and puts it on her head. She giggles, and throws it aside, near the closet door. She grabs his shirt and pulls him in. They kiss.
(EDMUND is listening closely from the closet. He is beginning to shake.
(PAIGE steps behind SAMMY, facing him toward the closet. She steals a peek under the table, to see that the body hasn’t left. She begins unbuttoning SAMMY’s shirt, still behind him
(EDMUND makes a face of shock, disgust, and pain. He is trembling violently now, and throws wide the closet door, leaping out, knife foremost again
(PAIGE and SAMMY freeze)
EDMUND: All right! That’s enough!
DEAD NARRATOR (Lifting himself up on his elbow, his right arm out, the index finger erect): He’s finally come out of the closet! (Falls back down, resuming his death)
(Drums offstage indicate a joke a has been told
(ALL look confused briefly, and then shake it off
(SAMMY looks bewildered)
PAIGE: (She has stepped away from SAMMY) Edmund!
SAMMY: What’s going on!
EDMUND: (Advancing toward SAMMY, he steps on the police hat. He picks it up, examines it) A fake! (He brushes it off, dons it)
PAIGE: Oh, Edmund!
SAMMY (Becoming nervous): What’s with the knife, pally?
(EDMUND advances)
SAMMY (To PAIGE): Who is this guy! What’s he doing!
PAIGE: No, Edmund!
(EDMUND lunges at SAMMY, fitting the knife securely into his abdomen. SAMMY falls down, dead. He leaves the knife sticking out of the body)
PAIGE: Edmund! Look what you’ve done! (Indicates with her hands SAMMY’s body)
EDMUND: (Looking at the body) Did you love him?
PAIGE: Well, no…
EDMUND: Then what is it to you?
PAIGE: I -
(Enter, running, a NEIGHBOR, panting)
NEIGHBOR: Miss Lorenson! I heard noises and I thought there could be trouble, so I came running down as fast as I could! (He registers EDMUND and dead SAMMY)
PAIGE (To the NEIGHBOR): Larry!
LARRY (Indicating EDMUND): Who’s this? (Indicating SAMMY) And who’s this! What’s been going on here!
EDMUND (Feverishly): Who’re you! (He reaches down and plucks the knife from SAMMY’s body)
LARRY: What are -
PAIGE: You -
NARRATOR (Rising to his feet): Doing!
(All three living characters look in shock at the DEAD NARRATOR)
DEAD NARRATOR: Well? What are you doing? You’ve used that knife twice now! How about some variety! You’re killing me! And this ridiculous hat! (He knocks the hat off swiftly) Why don’t you -
EDMUND (Not calm): I already killed you! You’re dead!
(The DEAD NARRATOR drops to his knees, then falls on his side, quietly dead again
(EDMUND drops the knife between his feet)
EDMUND (Assuming a fighting stance): How’s this? (He attacks LARRY, strangling him. He takes him down, down, down… And then releases the throat. LARRY is dead)
PAIGE: Edmund! Look at what you’ve done!
(Suddenly an OLDER WOMAN’S VOICE is heard from outside of the room, in the hallway)
OLDER WOMAN’S VOICE: Oh, honey! Your mother has brought you some cookies!
(The OLDER WOMAN appears in the doorway. She bears a plate of baked goods)
PAIGE: !!!!
(Without hesitation EDMUND delivers a blow to the OLDER WOMAN, sending her out of sight, the plate of baked goods clattering to the floor)
PAIGE: Edmund, you beast!
EDMUND: (Looking at his fist. He looks betrayed) Oh, my God!
PAIGE: That’s it, Edmund! This can’t go on any longer!
(EDMUND retreats to the corner. He sits there, legs drawn up, arms hugging them tight against his chest. His eyes are fixed on some vague point. He shivers)
PAIGE (Shouting): Edmund!
(No response)
PAIGE: Edmund!
(No response)
PAIGE: EDMUN -
EDMUND: (Throwing his arm up) All right, all right! I know! I’ve been bad!
PAIGE: Very bad!
EDMUND: I know this is no type of behavior for a grown man to be displaying…
PAIGE: In the presence of a lady…
EDMUND: I know! But when I’m around you… (Standing) I… I… (Snaps out of it) I don’t function normally! It’s all true, what the narrator told you! I’m a sissy, I’m a ninny! I wear women’s makeup on Thursdays!
PAIGE: He didn’t actually say -
EDMUND: And yes, Paige, I love you! I’ve loved you for a long time now! I’ve long longed for your long hair, your long legs… Matter of fact, you are the only woman I ever think about! I can’t go out nights with different women. All I think of is you! I came hear tonight with a firm purpose: to declare my love to you! Now I have done it, and you know it all!
PAIGE (Feeling a little sorry): Oh, Edmund. You can’t just go around killing people because you love someone! Love is alive, not dead!
EDMUND: I know. I know it! I have killed three men - and probably your mother! But you are alive and I am alive! Perhaps now it is high time for you and me to know and love each other!
(PAIGE considers)
EDMUND: I would never hurt you. I would never hurt a fly! No, it is too delicate a creature! But, Paige! I would care for you passionately, protect you from harm, respond to your every word!
PAIGE: And would you go around killing every man that walked in front of me!
EDMUND: No! That’s over now! Yes, it is what it took to get me to declare my love! But now that is behind us!
(PAIGE surveys the room, the bodies, EDMUND)
EDMUND: I hope this is not a bad first impression of men who love you, Paige! You’ve never been loved - truly loved - by a man! None of these men would have done you any good! Can’t you see that? Can’t you see what these men were after! (Pause) Paige, I love you!
(Just then an OFFICER of the police appears in the doorway. He looks around the room, his eyes landing on EDMUND)
OFFICER: Excuse me, ma’am, but I’ve been sent up here to put an end to all this racket. And by the looks of it, someone’s got a lot of explaining to do… (Eyes EDMUND)
EDMUND: I -
PAIGE (Interrupting, facing the OFFICER now): Oh, officer, it was terrible! That man - (Throws her arm, index finger out, toward EDMUND) saved me!
(A look of surprise masks EDMUND
(The OFFICER stands, his arms crossed in front of his chest, listening)
PAIGE (Inflecting a voice of despair): Oh, officer! There was a terrible row! That man (Points at the DEAD NARRATOR) charged in here, followed by that those two! (She points at SAMMY and then LARRY) He (SAMMY) stabbed him! (DEAD NARRATOR) Oh, officer, it was terrible. A woman should never have to observe such things! Thank God for that man! (Points at EDMUND, who watches this in disbelief) This man (LARRY) seemed very drunk! He grabbed that knife and plunged it into that man! (SAMMY) He would have had me next, if Edmund here hadn’t come to my rescue! Luckily he was here fixing my closet! You see, he fought the knife away from the man (Points to the knife) and then wrestled him to the ground! All to protect me! I’m sure I would have been killed if it had not been for my Edmund! (She crosses over to him, puts her arms around him) I need my Edmund to keep me safe from the bad men in this world!
OFFICER: Well, that’s all well and good, but what of that older woman sprawled out in the hallway? (He points out the door)
PAIGE: Hmm?
EDMUND: Wasn’t that your mother?
PAIGE: God, no! I’ve never seen that woman in my life!
(ALL laugh heartily)
OFFICER: Well, I’m glad that everything’s all right. Why don’t you two get on out of here. Some boys’ll be down in about half an hour to get this place cleaned up. Don’t touch anything. Good night. (Nods hat. Exits)
EDMUND: (He holds PAIGE out so he can look at her): Why did you do that!
PAIGE: You’re right, you do love me! You are the only man who has ever loved me truly. You’ll protect me! I know, inside, that what I told the officer was really the truth. By killing those men you were really protecting me from them. Oh, if they’d had their way with me… but no! (They embrace) Let’s get out of here.
(EDMUND and PAIGE exit through the doorway together, stepping over the dead bodies.
(Lights dim
(As the lights fade out, a spotlight, on the DEAD NARRATOR appears. He springs to his feet and brushes himself off. The spotlight follows him to the front of the stage, right, where he addresses the audience)
NARRATOR: Well, what did I tell you! You can’t kill a narrator! Who should tell the story! Yes, I let them go awhile on their own, but here I am again! Alive and well! If any of you come upon Paige or Edmund, I suggest congratulating them on their newfound love! A fine couple, I say!
(He turns to the left, beginning to walk away across the stage. The spotlight follows him.
(Suddenly, as if enlightened, he turns back to the audience)
NARRATOR: Oh, friends. Earlier, I did mention this was a story of unrequited love. Yes. So that you aren’t confused or disappointed, I will let it be known that no one loved that old woman. No. No one loved her. (He walks casually off the stage to the left, the spotlight quitting after his exit, leaving the stage black)
CURTAIN.
(Lights dawn. The NARRATOR, well-groomed and wearing a black suit, steps onto the stage, arriving right, downstage. The stage is set up as the living room of an apartment, owned by PAIGE, a young woman wearing a red dress. The only necessary items are: a table with a few chairs to the right, upstage, and a closet, the inside of which can be seen by the audience, to the left. The rest of the room should be furnished according to the limitations of the stage and the director’s effort)
NARRATOR: (Spreads his arms, embracing the audience) Welcome, good people. (Smiles amiably) Ours is a story of unrequited love. (Chuckles) It is a story of a girl named Paige (Enter PAIGE. She walks around, tidying the apartment) who is loved hopelessly and relentlessly by poor Edmund. (A knock is heard on the door communicating the hallway to the apartment) Let us watch… (Steps back to watch, hands folded, partially out of the light)
PAIGE (Tidying herself up very quickly, looking nervous): Just a moment! (To herself) He’s early! (She reaches the door, pulls it open. In falls EDMUND)
EDMUND: Paige!
PAIGE (Surprised): Edmund!
EDMUND (Nervous and embarrassed): … Hi
PAIGE: Hi, Edmund.
EDMUND: (Stumbling around) Th-that’s a l-lovely dress you’re w-wearing.
PAIGE (A little confused by his presence but polite all the same): Well, thank you, Edmund.
NARRATOR (At EDMUND): Yes, it quite matches the hue of your face! (Snickers)
(EDMUND throws a shocked look toward the NARRATOR, but soon reinvests his attention in PAIGE)
EDMUND (Completely and hopelessly lost): I… I…
PAIGE: Yes, Edmund?
EDMUND: I… I…
PAIGE: (Checks the clock) Edmund, as much as I love your company… I mean don’t be offended or anything… (Checks the clock again) The thing is I am expecting my date to arrive in about ten or fifteen minutes…
EDMUND: Oh… Right. Of course. I understand…
PAIGE (Politely): So, was there something you wanted to see me about? You did sort of fall right in…
EDMUND (Dumbfounded): I… I…
NARRATOR (Stepping forward, arms akimbo, with an air of condescension): I think what he’s trying to say is…
EDMUND: (Emerging from his paralysis, to the NARRATOR) Shut up, you! (He lifts his fist and shakes it)
(PAIGE smiles pleasantly)
EDMUND: (Stepping toward her) I… I…
PAIGE (Leaning closer): Yes? What is it, Edmund?
EDMUND (Raising his right hand, as if the right words were written there): I… I…
NARRATOR (Shouting): Line!
(PAIGE and EDMUND turn to the NARRATOR, shocked at this outburst. He advances onto the stage)
EDMUND: (Gathering his senses) Hey! What are you doing!
NARRATOR: (Mocks) “I… I…” Come on! Eddie, Eddie. (Stifles EDMUND’s coming interruption) You sissy! You ninny! You -
PAIGE (Stepping forward, ready to hit the NARRATOR): Jerk!
NARRATOR: No, wait, wait. It gets good. (Mocks) “I… I…” (Laughs)
EDMUND: (Growing angry) What are you doing here!
NARRATOR: (To PAIGE) What he wants to tell you is that he loves you! How’s that! (To EDMUND) You looked like you needed some help. You… (His words are swallowed by his laughter)
EDMUND: Why…
NARRATOR: (Emphasizes with his hands) We went over it a thousand times!
EDMUND (Growing angrier. He’s trembling): …
NARRATOR: Edmund! You’re growing angrier! You’re trembling!
PAIGE (to the NARRATOR): You’re wicked!
(EDMUND retrieves a knife. He holds it up threateningly toward the NARRATOR)
NARRATOR: (Ceases laughing) Eddie, Eddie… Woah, boy. (Puts his hands out, as if to say “Advance no further”)
EDMUND: (Advancing) You…
NARRATOR: Me?
PAIGE: Him?
EDMUND: You!
PAIGE: (Her hand steals to her bosom. She gasps) Oh…
NARRATOR: Let’s take it easy, Eddie… (Backs up)
EDMUND: Not this time… (The knife quivers in his fist) You’ve been riding on me for too long…
NARRATOR: Let’s be reasonable! I’m the narrator! Without me, who should narrate! (He looks to the audience, seeking support)
(EDMUND steps closer, the NARRATOR backs up. They are nearing the right wing)
PAIGE: Oh… (She pulls out a chair and falls into it)
(EDMUND leaps forward, the knife foremost)
(PAIGE covers her eyes)
(EDMUND inserts the blade up to its hilt into the NARRATOR’s abdomen. The NARRATOR resists death - grotesque noises of protest are heard - but then is pulled into submission. He lies limp. EDMUND withdraws the knife. The blade wears a keen red coat.
(EDMUND steps back, his eyes fixed on the body)
PAIGE: (Weeping) Is it over?
EDMUND (Vaguely): Yes, he’s gone now.
PAIGE: (She uncovers her eyes to see the corpse. She gasps) But he’s still right there!
EDMUND (Vaguely still): Yes…
(Suddenly, there comes a bang on the door, as if the ominous solemnity had been waiting for this so that it might resign)
MAN’S VOICE: This is an officer of the law! (Bang, bang. The door rattles in its frame) Open the door immediately!
(Both PAIGE and EDMUND jump up! EDMUND, in his surprise, drops the knife. It lands on the DEAD NARRATOR’s stomach, causing him to jolt)
PAIGE: (Thinking quickly) Just a moment!
(Bang, bang!
(PAIGE and EDMUND run frantically around the room, as if electrically charged. EDMUND tosses the knife to the left side of the stage)
PAIGE: I’ll be there in a moment!
(PAIGE and EDMUND’s glances arrive upon each other’s. Their arms are cocked up, indicating their complete surprise)
EDMUND and PAIGE: !!!!!!!
(Bang, bang, BANG! An unseen fist encourages the door to jump out of the jamb)
PAIGE (In a low, desperate whisper): Help me, Edmund! (She leans down to the narrator, grabbing his shoulders) Quickly! Help me get him under the table!
(EDMUND grabs the DEAD NARRATOR’s feet and helps pull him under the table. Next, PAIGE pushes EDMUND to the closet, stage left. She runs, picks up the knife, hands it to him, opens the closet door, and throws him within. She slams the door shut. EDMUND is visible to the audience)
PAIGE (To herself): Okay… Just pretend as if nothing’s happened.
MAN’S VOICE (Booming): This is an officer of the law! Open up!
(PAIGE runs to the door, straightens her dress, fluffs her hair.
(Enter the OFFICER, costumed appropriately)
OFFICER: (Stepping in, chest out, arms akimbo. He stares into her) Ah, Officer Looovecraft present. You have the right to remain sexy.
(PAIGE shuts the door, giggling.
(The OFFICER puts her waist between his hands. He draws her in.
(EDMUND reacts violently)
PAIGE: (Dropping her head back) Oh, Sammy… You’re dressed up like a police officer… Oh, Sammy…
(Their lips meet. They kiss with passion)
EDMUND (To the audience): They’re kissing! (He swallows hard, presses his ear against the door) With passion!
(SAMMY and PAIGE begin flirting, though their words cannot be understood)
PAIGE: Oh, Sammy… (He removes his police hat and puts it on her head. She giggles, and throws it aside, near the closet door. She grabs his shirt and pulls him in. They kiss.
(EDMUND is listening closely from the closet. He is beginning to shake.
(PAIGE steps behind SAMMY, facing him toward the closet. She steals a peek under the table, to see that the body hasn’t left. She begins unbuttoning SAMMY’s shirt, still behind him
(EDMUND makes a face of shock, disgust, and pain. He is trembling violently now, and throws wide the closet door, leaping out, knife foremost again
(PAIGE and SAMMY freeze)
EDMUND: All right! That’s enough!
DEAD NARRATOR (Lifting himself up on his elbow, his right arm out, the index finger erect): He’s finally come out of the closet! (Falls back down, resuming his death)
(Drums offstage indicate a joke a has been told
(ALL look confused briefly, and then shake it off
(SAMMY looks bewildered)
PAIGE: (She has stepped away from SAMMY) Edmund!
SAMMY: What’s going on!
EDMUND: (Advancing toward SAMMY, he steps on the police hat. He picks it up, examines it) A fake! (He brushes it off, dons it)
PAIGE: Oh, Edmund!
SAMMY (Becoming nervous): What’s with the knife, pally?
(EDMUND advances)
SAMMY (To PAIGE): Who is this guy! What’s he doing!
PAIGE: No, Edmund!
(EDMUND lunges at SAMMY, fitting the knife securely into his abdomen. SAMMY falls down, dead. He leaves the knife sticking out of the body)
PAIGE: Edmund! Look what you’ve done! (Indicates with her hands SAMMY’s body)
EDMUND: (Looking at the body) Did you love him?
PAIGE: Well, no…
EDMUND: Then what is it to you?
PAIGE: I -
(Enter, running, a NEIGHBOR, panting)
NEIGHBOR: Miss Lorenson! I heard noises and I thought there could be trouble, so I came running down as fast as I could! (He registers EDMUND and dead SAMMY)
PAIGE (To the NEIGHBOR): Larry!
LARRY (Indicating EDMUND): Who’s this? (Indicating SAMMY) And who’s this! What’s been going on here!
EDMUND (Feverishly): Who’re you! (He reaches down and plucks the knife from SAMMY’s body)
LARRY: What are -
PAIGE: You -
NARRATOR (Rising to his feet): Doing!
(All three living characters look in shock at the DEAD NARRATOR)
DEAD NARRATOR: Well? What are you doing? You’ve used that knife twice now! How about some variety! You’re killing me! And this ridiculous hat! (He knocks the hat off swiftly) Why don’t you -
EDMUND (Not calm): I already killed you! You’re dead!
(The DEAD NARRATOR drops to his knees, then falls on his side, quietly dead again
(EDMUND drops the knife between his feet)
EDMUND (Assuming a fighting stance): How’s this? (He attacks LARRY, strangling him. He takes him down, down, down… And then releases the throat. LARRY is dead)
PAIGE: Edmund! Look at what you’ve done!
(Suddenly an OLDER WOMAN’S VOICE is heard from outside of the room, in the hallway)
OLDER WOMAN’S VOICE: Oh, honey! Your mother has brought you some cookies!
(The OLDER WOMAN appears in the doorway. She bears a plate of baked goods)
PAIGE: !!!!
(Without hesitation EDMUND delivers a blow to the OLDER WOMAN, sending her out of sight, the plate of baked goods clattering to the floor)
PAIGE: Edmund, you beast!
EDMUND: (Looking at his fist. He looks betrayed) Oh, my God!
PAIGE: That’s it, Edmund! This can’t go on any longer!
(EDMUND retreats to the corner. He sits there, legs drawn up, arms hugging them tight against his chest. His eyes are fixed on some vague point. He shivers)
PAIGE (Shouting): Edmund!
(No response)
PAIGE: Edmund!
(No response)
PAIGE: EDMUN -
EDMUND: (Throwing his arm up) All right, all right! I know! I’ve been bad!
PAIGE: Very bad!
EDMUND: I know this is no type of behavior for a grown man to be displaying…
PAIGE: In the presence of a lady…
EDMUND: I know! But when I’m around you… (Standing) I… I… (Snaps out of it) I don’t function normally! It’s all true, what the narrator told you! I’m a sissy, I’m a ninny! I wear women’s makeup on Thursdays!
PAIGE: He didn’t actually say -
EDMUND: And yes, Paige, I love you! I’ve loved you for a long time now! I’ve long longed for your long hair, your long legs… Matter of fact, you are the only woman I ever think about! I can’t go out nights with different women. All I think of is you! I came hear tonight with a firm purpose: to declare my love to you! Now I have done it, and you know it all!
PAIGE (Feeling a little sorry): Oh, Edmund. You can’t just go around killing people because you love someone! Love is alive, not dead!
EDMUND: I know. I know it! I have killed three men - and probably your mother! But you are alive and I am alive! Perhaps now it is high time for you and me to know and love each other!
(PAIGE considers)
EDMUND: I would never hurt you. I would never hurt a fly! No, it is too delicate a creature! But, Paige! I would care for you passionately, protect you from harm, respond to your every word!
PAIGE: And would you go around killing every man that walked in front of me!
EDMUND: No! That’s over now! Yes, it is what it took to get me to declare my love! But now that is behind us!
(PAIGE surveys the room, the bodies, EDMUND)
EDMUND: I hope this is not a bad first impression of men who love you, Paige! You’ve never been loved - truly loved - by a man! None of these men would have done you any good! Can’t you see that? Can’t you see what these men were after! (Pause) Paige, I love you!
(Just then an OFFICER of the police appears in the doorway. He looks around the room, his eyes landing on EDMUND)
OFFICER: Excuse me, ma’am, but I’ve been sent up here to put an end to all this racket. And by the looks of it, someone’s got a lot of explaining to do… (Eyes EDMUND)
EDMUND: I -
PAIGE (Interrupting, facing the OFFICER now): Oh, officer, it was terrible! That man - (Throws her arm, index finger out, toward EDMUND) saved me!
(A look of surprise masks EDMUND
(The OFFICER stands, his arms crossed in front of his chest, listening)
PAIGE (Inflecting a voice of despair): Oh, officer! There was a terrible row! That man (Points at the DEAD NARRATOR) charged in here, followed by that those two! (She points at SAMMY and then LARRY) He (SAMMY) stabbed him! (DEAD NARRATOR) Oh, officer, it was terrible. A woman should never have to observe such things! Thank God for that man! (Points at EDMUND, who watches this in disbelief) This man (LARRY) seemed very drunk! He grabbed that knife and plunged it into that man! (SAMMY) He would have had me next, if Edmund here hadn’t come to my rescue! Luckily he was here fixing my closet! You see, he fought the knife away from the man (Points to the knife) and then wrestled him to the ground! All to protect me! I’m sure I would have been killed if it had not been for my Edmund! (She crosses over to him, puts her arms around him) I need my Edmund to keep me safe from the bad men in this world!
OFFICER: Well, that’s all well and good, but what of that older woman sprawled out in the hallway? (He points out the door)
PAIGE: Hmm?
EDMUND: Wasn’t that your mother?
PAIGE: God, no! I’ve never seen that woman in my life!
(ALL laugh heartily)
OFFICER: Well, I’m glad that everything’s all right. Why don’t you two get on out of here. Some boys’ll be down in about half an hour to get this place cleaned up. Don’t touch anything. Good night. (Nods hat. Exits)
EDMUND: (He holds PAIGE out so he can look at her): Why did you do that!
PAIGE: You’re right, you do love me! You are the only man who has ever loved me truly. You’ll protect me! I know, inside, that what I told the officer was really the truth. By killing those men you were really protecting me from them. Oh, if they’d had their way with me… but no! (They embrace) Let’s get out of here.
(EDMUND and PAIGE exit through the doorway together, stepping over the dead bodies.
(Lights dim
(As the lights fade out, a spotlight, on the DEAD NARRATOR appears. He springs to his feet and brushes himself off. The spotlight follows him to the front of the stage, right, where he addresses the audience)
NARRATOR: Well, what did I tell you! You can’t kill a narrator! Who should tell the story! Yes, I let them go awhile on their own, but here I am again! Alive and well! If any of you come upon Paige or Edmund, I suggest congratulating them on their newfound love! A fine couple, I say!
(He turns to the left, beginning to walk away across the stage. The spotlight follows him.
(Suddenly, as if enlightened, he turns back to the audience)
NARRATOR: Oh, friends. Earlier, I did mention this was a story of unrequited love. Yes. So that you aren’t confused or disappointed, I will let it be known that no one loved that old woman. No. No one loved her. (He walks casually off the stage to the left, the spotlight quitting after his exit, leaving the stage black)
CURTAIN.