[One-Shot] A YamadaRyosuke/Shida Mirai OneShot: Unrequited
Title: Unrequited
Author: theivorykeys
Fandom: Hey! Say! JUMP
Pairing: main: YamadaRyosuke/Shida Mirai sub: NakaShii
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Involves cutting. Not described.
Disclaimer: I own YamadaRyosuke and nothing save for the plot
Type: OneShot
Notes: Inspired by TaeYang's Wedding Dress. I'm not sure if it's angsty enough though. Written for ryoma_nakamada
Summary: Yamada Ryosuke is in love with Shida Mirai. Unfortunately, his best friend is her boyfriend. Both of them are madly in love with her. But Mirai doesn't know that Yamada is in love with her. To her, he is just her best friend.
Some say it ain't over until it's really over
But I guess this is really over now
There's something I gotta say before I let you go
Listen
11 July 2009, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
It seems silly for a guy to have this kind of thing but if this is the only way I can release this building pain inside of me, then, I might as well give it a shot. So, first things first, diary, I'm deeply, madly in love with Shida Mirai. There, I said it.
12 December 2009, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
He made her cry today. This might seem rather sadistic but I'm happy that he made her cry if it would make her come running to me for comfort. I feel so selfish. But I cannot help it. After all, diary, I saw her first. Oh, how unfair it is for him to be able to hold her close and shower her with kisses while I stand on the sidelines like the best friend that I am.
This was the third fight of theirs after a few months of dating and though I am growing more hopeful by the day, it doesn't seem that she would be leaving him anytime soon. I want to hate him, I truly do. But alas, he is as close to me as a brother would be. And he seems happy. I, too, put on a happy face but there's nothing I can do but destroy their happiness.
Oh, diary, having her under my arm and against my side while I dry her tears made my heart ache so bad. I love her so much. I truly do. And there's no way for me to express that but to hold her close and be the best friend that she could have. And once again, I've made her smile. She tells me that I'm the only one that can make her smile. It lifts my spirits to know that. Yet, I'm too much of a coward to tell her that SHE makes me smile, makes me dance, makes me laugh. I dare not tell her that one of the reasons I sing is because I sing for her.
16 February 2010, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
They've been fighting again. And once more, I'm her shoulder to cry on. Should I feel happy because of that? That she chooses me to be the one she cries to instead of one of her girlfriends? Or does she pick me because her boyfriend is my best friend? I don't know which is it but I couldn't be happier. Why can't she see that she'll never be the one for him? They fight so often, they're almost married.
Marriage. Oh, the number of times I've thought of it and everytime, I end up being married to her.
Diary, I dare not tell her that I'm in love with her. Despite the number of times they fight, she loves him. A lot. And so do I. Is this stupid? Should I let her go? I dare not let her go for fear that if she leaves him, she would have no where to go.
You have no idea how many times I've thought of telling her that I'm in love with her. Pour out my heart to her. Tell her all that I've felt since the very first day that I've met her. Yet, I fear to destroy this strong friendship that we have built. I know for a fact that she would not dare to cry to me if I ever told her. And he, oh my best friend, wouldn't be able to look at me again. I can't risk either friendship. I love the both of them too much.
I am selfish.
10 May 2013, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Happy birthday, Mirai. I feel like such a loser.
The party he threw her. Wow. It would not be able to compare to whatever I would have done for her. Candles. Chocolates. Flowers. A luxury boat. I feel so low. Of course, he would have invited a few close buddies. Obviously it would include me. All through the party, I had done my best to keep a happy face. Be happy for the both of them. It was hard. While I was hurting inside.
And the present I gave her wouldn't be able to compare with the whole overall party. And the iPhone that he had gotten her?
All I gave her was a toy bunny that I had saw in a vintage toy shop that reminded me so much of her. I had tied it to a bunch of flowers and a balloon. How immature of me. But she said that she loved it and that the bunny was cute. What kind of 20 year old would want a toy bunny?
She was glowing. And he was impeccably good-looking as always. I felt dowdy and plain beside him. Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear from the face of the Earth so I wouldn't be able to see how beautiful she was and hurt inside at not being able to have her.
This might sound selfish but yeah, it's the truth. I didn't even get to celebrate my birthday because I was sooooooo busy preparing for hers with him. And it hurts that neither of them remembered that it was my birthday. One day before hers.
Three years of trying to forget her. Not working. Why do I even try?
28 September 2013, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
She surprised me. There I was sitting in the recording studio and there she appeared with a bag of who-knows-what and a cake with candles. Oh, diary, it was so nice to see her again. I hadn't seen her since her birthday this year as I was so busy with college and recording my solo album I barely had time for myself. And my heart leaped with joy when she said that she had forgotten about my birthday and was deciding to celebrate it a little late.
And her voice, when she sang, was heaven to me. I could sit there and listen to her sing forever.
In the bag, wrapped in pink tissue paper was a box of strawberries and a strawberry-scented miniature keychain bunny. My heart soared with joy. We ended up feeding each other cake and smearing it on each other. Until...
He came in and surprised me with yet another cake and another box of strawberries. No bunny, of course. Then, she had confessed. It was him who had reminded her that they had missed my birthday and they had planned to surprise me with two cakes and two boxes of strawberries. Obviously, I put on my "happy" face and "enjoyed" the time spent with her and him.
But I couldn't help torture myself. They had fed each other cake and kissed the cream off. While I sat there and forced the smile onto my face.
It hurts, real bad. So bad. I might just prick my finger once again to channel the pain somewhere else.
08 March 2014, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I wonder why I still bother to be in love with her. She had invited me to lunch that day. Saying that she missed talking to me and that she wanted to drag me away from my books and recording studio. My heart once again soared. And I primped myself, something I would never do, just for her. I had even bought her flowers and a small box of chocolates.
It was a cosy little restaurant out of town where no one would recongise us. No paparazzi. Just the both of us. And lunch.
The things we talked about. The most simple of subjects. It was as if, at that moment, it was just the both of us. Coffee. Cake. I hoped that she had invited me out for lunch to tell me that she was no longer with him. I was getting ready to tell her how I felt about her.
But, as fate would have it, he entered the restaurant at the exact moment I was about to tell her that I loved her. I had to cover up by telling her that it was nice of her to treat me to lunch. Turns out, she couldn't get him to go with her as she was busy and turned to me instead.
At the last moment, he had found an empty space in his schedule and decided to drop by the restaurant to surprise her. The look on her face when she saw him.
It hit my heart real bad. I wanted to die at that moment.
20 November 2014, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
They fought again. I'm happy that Mirai still chooses me to be her shoulder to cry on. Even after months of not seeing her, I'm the one she still turns to. It gives me a little bit of hope.
01 January 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I have thought about this long and hard. Today, at the Johnny's Countdown, I had saw her in the crowd. She had waved to me and I had waved back. He wasn't there. He was at another function with the rest of JUMP. I was on my own today. She had come to see me perform, I had thought.
I'm going to ask her to marry me. I don't care that she's still with him. When she hears what I have to say, I hope that she would choose me. After all, she's been thinking of marriage for some time.
02 January 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Turns out, he hadn't been able to attend any function because he was down with a contagious cold.
How stupid I feel.
04 June 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
The ring I bought for her would definitely match her eyes. It wasn't something expensive but it spoke from my heart. My heart was jumping for joy.
Good news: They had split up and she said that this time it was for good.
25 June 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
He called me today. He told me how he was still in love with Mirai and asked me what to do to get back with her. He wanted to propose to her. As a best friend, I could not ignore him and I told him what I would have done if I were in his shoes.
I hurt even more.
26 June 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Bad news: They had gotten back together. And she said that he was on the verge of proposing. His mother had told her so. As if I didn't know already.
The ring I bought for her still sits on my desk. I haven't gotten enough courage to propose to her yet. I will now.
28 September 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Today was the day. The day when I would propose to her. I wanted to ambush her in the middle of the street. To see the surprise on her face.
Just as I was about to yell out her name, he came out of no where and escorted her across the street.
05 January 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Day by day, I sink even deeper into this depression. I had no choice but to apply for medical leave and pretend that I was sick. I was too weak and too tired to go to work. I had to skip school for a few days. My heart constantly ached and I had no appetite. I could not go to sleep at night. Her face haunts my dreams and thoughts of him proposing to her constantly plauge my mind.
My mother had told me to move on and that it was too early for us to get married. But I loved her so much.
14 April 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
He had told me the day before that he was going to propose to her today. I had to do it. It was now or never. He told me to invite her to the office so that everyone could witness his proposal. I had to propose before he could.
I invited her to the office that morning on a ruse of meeting her there for lunch. To repay for the time when she had invited me for lunch. I told him that she would be waiting in the meeting room at lunch time. I had told her to come two hours before lunch time so we could get to the restaurant early as it was a popular restaurant. I had to do it before he could, before he could crush my heart and ruin my dreams.
I know I'm selfish.
I had cornered her in the meeting room. I had told her how I felt. I had poured my heart out to her. I told her that I wanted to marry her. She had given me a look that was so angry that for a moment, I couldn't find the ring that I shoved in my pocket. She was going to leave but I told her to give me a chance. She asked me how I could betray my bestfriend.
And, with all my bad luck, he had stepped into the meeting room that moment and I saw the smile of relief on her face. He had proposed to her there in front of me, the ring he gave her a thousand times more beautiful than mine. I shoved the ring that I had bought back into my pocket and faked a smile. She glowed with happiness. I wanted to kill myself on the spot but I had to wait till I got home.
He had even said that my being there was good. They had a witness.
15 April 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I had to call in sick again. My wrists hurt like hell but the pain in my heart still cannot be erased. The look on her face when I had proposed. The relief when she saw him. How she glowed when he proposed.
I need to find my blade again.
25 December 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
She called me today. She said that she forgave me for what I had done and that she would put that behind her. She still loved me. As a best friend, she had said. She told me that the wedding was to be held on the 14 February. Valentine's Day. How ironic.
She told me that she didn't tell him what happened. She wanted to forget that. I didn't say a thing.
Then, she dropped the bomb on me. She wanted me to play at the wedding. She didn't want to find a pianist and since she knew that I roughly knew how to play the piano, she asked me to. She asked me if it was okay to compose a special piece for the wedding.
She didn't say anything more after that. I went and looked for my blade again. It had been centuries since the pain had stabbed my heart. It returned.
10 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
The day of the wedding draws close. A rehearsal is in two days. How could I face her? After everything? How could I face him when he was the cause of my pain? His appearance into her life. After I had introduced them during a cast party for Tantei Gakuen Q. I wished I could take back that day.
I wonder how he could not see that I was infatuated with her. Despite being best friends, we had drifted apart as we grew older. But we were still best friends. Could he not see how I felt towards her?
12 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
The piece I wrote for her. I had written a long time ago.
She wanted me to sing for her too. I wonder if she would see the meaning behind the lyrics.
14 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I wanted to tell her. One last time. To change her mind. To not put on the wedding dress. To not say her vows. Make her see how much she meant to me. Yet, after the previous outburst, I was afraid. Afraid to ruin the happiness that I could see glowing around her. It would not do her any good, I realised.
The lyrics would tell her my story.
My heart cried as she stood at the altar and took his hand. My heart cried as I saw her glow, walking down the aisle. She didn't even spare a look at me. My heart cried as they said their vows. In my head, I played it out. How I would dash to the altar and object. I would tell everyone how I felt towards her. She would smile at me and take my hand in hers.
She would tell me that she loved me. The priest would marry us.
Alas, that was all a fantasy. I would not be the one she would stand next to.
As they walked out of the church, I sang the song that I had written specially for her. Yet, she just smiled at me. He looked at me. And I could see it in his eyes. He knew. He knew how I felt. And he never bothered to do anything about it.
That night, I found my blade again.
18 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I've been in the hospital for four days. Or so my mother tells me.
Neither she nor he were anywhere to be seen. My mother tells me that they hadn't come by. They were still on their honeymoon.
I cried when my mother wasn't looking. I had been chasing something I knew I would never be able to get. I needed my blade but I fought the depression. It's going to be unbearably hard for me for a long while. But I will get through it, diary. I will.
25 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I've been discharged from the hospital. They offered to refer me to a psychologist but I declined. I would get through this on my own.
30 November 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
It's Chinen-kun's birthday. I don't hurt any more. I ache. But not a lot. I haven't seen either of them for a very long time. He had terminated his contract with Johnny's and I'm secretly glad for that.
31 December 2019, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I no longer feel anything. I'm glad. Even when she had called to ask how I was.
I had resisted the urge to slam the phone down and search for my blade. I didn't talk long to her. I didn't trust myself to feel.
23 November 2020, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
It's been three years since the time I was hospitalised. I will never get over the pain of losing her but I no longer feel like killing myself.
Finally, diary, I'm happy.
Author: theivorykeys
Fandom: Hey! Say! JUMP
Pairing: main: YamadaRyosuke/Shida Mirai sub: NakaShii
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Involves cutting. Not described.
Disclaimer: I own YamadaRyosuke and nothing save for the plot
Type: OneShot
Notes: Inspired by TaeYang's Wedding Dress. I'm not sure if it's angsty enough though. Written for ryoma_nakamada
Summary: Yamada Ryosuke is in love with Shida Mirai. Unfortunately, his best friend is her boyfriend. Both of them are madly in love with her. But Mirai doesn't know that Yamada is in love with her. To her, he is just her best friend.
Some say it ain't over until it's really over
But I guess this is really over now
There's something I gotta say before I let you go
Listen
11 July 2009, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
It seems silly for a guy to have this kind of thing but if this is the only way I can release this building pain inside of me, then, I might as well give it a shot. So, first things first, diary, I'm deeply, madly in love with Shida Mirai. There, I said it.
12 December 2009, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
He made her cry today. This might seem rather sadistic but I'm happy that he made her cry if it would make her come running to me for comfort. I feel so selfish. But I cannot help it. After all, diary, I saw her first. Oh, how unfair it is for him to be able to hold her close and shower her with kisses while I stand on the sidelines like the best friend that I am.
This was the third fight of theirs after a few months of dating and though I am growing more hopeful by the day, it doesn't seem that she would be leaving him anytime soon. I want to hate him, I truly do. But alas, he is as close to me as a brother would be. And he seems happy. I, too, put on a happy face but there's nothing I can do but destroy their happiness.
Oh, diary, having her under my arm and against my side while I dry her tears made my heart ache so bad. I love her so much. I truly do. And there's no way for me to express that but to hold her close and be the best friend that she could have. And once again, I've made her smile. She tells me that I'm the only one that can make her smile. It lifts my spirits to know that. Yet, I'm too much of a coward to tell her that SHE makes me smile, makes me dance, makes me laugh. I dare not tell her that one of the reasons I sing is because I sing for her.
16 February 2010, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
They've been fighting again. And once more, I'm her shoulder to cry on. Should I feel happy because of that? That she chooses me to be the one she cries to instead of one of her girlfriends? Or does she pick me because her boyfriend is my best friend? I don't know which is it but I couldn't be happier. Why can't she see that she'll never be the one for him? They fight so often, they're almost married.
Marriage. Oh, the number of times I've thought of it and everytime, I end up being married to her.
Diary, I dare not tell her that I'm in love with her. Despite the number of times they fight, she loves him. A lot. And so do I. Is this stupid? Should I let her go? I dare not let her go for fear that if she leaves him, she would have no where to go.
You have no idea how many times I've thought of telling her that I'm in love with her. Pour out my heart to her. Tell her all that I've felt since the very first day that I've met her. Yet, I fear to destroy this strong friendship that we have built. I know for a fact that she would not dare to cry to me if I ever told her. And he, oh my best friend, wouldn't be able to look at me again. I can't risk either friendship. I love the both of them too much.
I am selfish.
10 May 2013, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Happy birthday, Mirai. I feel like such a loser.
The party he threw her. Wow. It would not be able to compare to whatever I would have done for her. Candles. Chocolates. Flowers. A luxury boat. I feel so low. Of course, he would have invited a few close buddies. Obviously it would include me. All through the party, I had done my best to keep a happy face. Be happy for the both of them. It was hard. While I was hurting inside.
And the present I gave her wouldn't be able to compare with the whole overall party. And the iPhone that he had gotten her?
All I gave her was a toy bunny that I had saw in a vintage toy shop that reminded me so much of her. I had tied it to a bunch of flowers and a balloon. How immature of me. But she said that she loved it and that the bunny was cute. What kind of 20 year old would want a toy bunny?
She was glowing. And he was impeccably good-looking as always. I felt dowdy and plain beside him. Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear from the face of the Earth so I wouldn't be able to see how beautiful she was and hurt inside at not being able to have her.
This might sound selfish but yeah, it's the truth. I didn't even get to celebrate my birthday because I was sooooooo busy preparing for hers with him. And it hurts that neither of them remembered that it was my birthday. One day before hers.
Three years of trying to forget her. Not working. Why do I even try?
28 September 2013, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
She surprised me. There I was sitting in the recording studio and there she appeared with a bag of who-knows-what and a cake with candles. Oh, diary, it was so nice to see her again. I hadn't seen her since her birthday this year as I was so busy with college and recording my solo album I barely had time for myself. And my heart leaped with joy when she said that she had forgotten about my birthday and was deciding to celebrate it a little late.
And her voice, when she sang, was heaven to me. I could sit there and listen to her sing forever.
In the bag, wrapped in pink tissue paper was a box of strawberries and a strawberry-scented miniature keychain bunny. My heart soared with joy. We ended up feeding each other cake and smearing it on each other. Until...
He came in and surprised me with yet another cake and another box of strawberries. No bunny, of course. Then, she had confessed. It was him who had reminded her that they had missed my birthday and they had planned to surprise me with two cakes and two boxes of strawberries. Obviously, I put on my "happy" face and "enjoyed" the time spent with her and him.
But I couldn't help torture myself. They had fed each other cake and kissed the cream off. While I sat there and forced the smile onto my face.
It hurts, real bad. So bad. I might just prick my finger once again to channel the pain somewhere else.
08 March 2014, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I wonder why I still bother to be in love with her. She had invited me to lunch that day. Saying that she missed talking to me and that she wanted to drag me away from my books and recording studio. My heart once again soared. And I primped myself, something I would never do, just for her. I had even bought her flowers and a small box of chocolates.
It was a cosy little restaurant out of town where no one would recongise us. No paparazzi. Just the both of us. And lunch.
The things we talked about. The most simple of subjects. It was as if, at that moment, it was just the both of us. Coffee. Cake. I hoped that she had invited me out for lunch to tell me that she was no longer with him. I was getting ready to tell her how I felt about her.
But, as fate would have it, he entered the restaurant at the exact moment I was about to tell her that I loved her. I had to cover up by telling her that it was nice of her to treat me to lunch. Turns out, she couldn't get him to go with her as she was busy and turned to me instead.
At the last moment, he had found an empty space in his schedule and decided to drop by the restaurant to surprise her. The look on her face when she saw him.
It hit my heart real bad. I wanted to die at that moment.
20 November 2014, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
They fought again. I'm happy that Mirai still chooses me to be her shoulder to cry on. Even after months of not seeing her, I'm the one she still turns to. It gives me a little bit of hope.
01 January 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I have thought about this long and hard. Today, at the Johnny's Countdown, I had saw her in the crowd. She had waved to me and I had waved back. He wasn't there. He was at another function with the rest of JUMP. I was on my own today. She had come to see me perform, I had thought.
I'm going to ask her to marry me. I don't care that she's still with him. When she hears what I have to say, I hope that she would choose me. After all, she's been thinking of marriage for some time.
02 January 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Turns out, he hadn't been able to attend any function because he was down with a contagious cold.
How stupid I feel.
04 June 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
The ring I bought for her would definitely match her eyes. It wasn't something expensive but it spoke from my heart. My heart was jumping for joy.
Good news: They had split up and she said that this time it was for good.
25 June 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
He called me today. He told me how he was still in love with Mirai and asked me what to do to get back with her. He wanted to propose to her. As a best friend, I could not ignore him and I told him what I would have done if I were in his shoes.
I hurt even more.
26 June 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Bad news: They had gotten back together. And she said that he was on the verge of proposing. His mother had told her so. As if I didn't know already.
The ring I bought for her still sits on my desk. I haven't gotten enough courage to propose to her yet. I will now.
28 September 2015, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Today was the day. The day when I would propose to her. I wanted to ambush her in the middle of the street. To see the surprise on her face.
Just as I was about to yell out her name, he came out of no where and escorted her across the street.
05 January 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
Day by day, I sink even deeper into this depression. I had no choice but to apply for medical leave and pretend that I was sick. I was too weak and too tired to go to work. I had to skip school for a few days. My heart constantly ached and I had no appetite. I could not go to sleep at night. Her face haunts my dreams and thoughts of him proposing to her constantly plauge my mind.
My mother had told me to move on and that it was too early for us to get married. But I loved her so much.
14 April 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
He had told me the day before that he was going to propose to her today. I had to do it. It was now or never. He told me to invite her to the office so that everyone could witness his proposal. I had to propose before he could.
I invited her to the office that morning on a ruse of meeting her there for lunch. To repay for the time when she had invited me for lunch. I told him that she would be waiting in the meeting room at lunch time. I had told her to come two hours before lunch time so we could get to the restaurant early as it was a popular restaurant. I had to do it before he could, before he could crush my heart and ruin my dreams.
I know I'm selfish.
I had cornered her in the meeting room. I had told her how I felt. I had poured my heart out to her. I told her that I wanted to marry her. She had given me a look that was so angry that for a moment, I couldn't find the ring that I shoved in my pocket. She was going to leave but I told her to give me a chance. She asked me how I could betray my bestfriend.
And, with all my bad luck, he had stepped into the meeting room that moment and I saw the smile of relief on her face. He had proposed to her there in front of me, the ring he gave her a thousand times more beautiful than mine. I shoved the ring that I had bought back into my pocket and faked a smile. She glowed with happiness. I wanted to kill myself on the spot but I had to wait till I got home.
He had even said that my being there was good. They had a witness.
15 April 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I had to call in sick again. My wrists hurt like hell but the pain in my heart still cannot be erased. The look on her face when I had proposed. The relief when she saw him. How she glowed when he proposed.
I need to find my blade again.
25 December 2016, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
She called me today. She said that she forgave me for what I had done and that she would put that behind her. She still loved me. As a best friend, she had said. She told me that the wedding was to be held on the 14 February. Valentine's Day. How ironic.
She told me that she didn't tell him what happened. She wanted to forget that. I didn't say a thing.
Then, she dropped the bomb on me. She wanted me to play at the wedding. She didn't want to find a pianist and since she knew that I roughly knew how to play the piano, she asked me to. She asked me if it was okay to compose a special piece for the wedding.
She didn't say anything more after that. I went and looked for my blade again. It had been centuries since the pain had stabbed my heart. It returned.
10 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
The day of the wedding draws close. A rehearsal is in two days. How could I face her? After everything? How could I face him when he was the cause of my pain? His appearance into her life. After I had introduced them during a cast party for Tantei Gakuen Q. I wished I could take back that day.
I wonder how he could not see that I was infatuated with her. Despite being best friends, we had drifted apart as we grew older. But we were still best friends. Could he not see how I felt towards her?
12 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
The piece I wrote for her. I had written a long time ago.
She wanted me to sing for her too. I wonder if she would see the meaning behind the lyrics.
14 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I wanted to tell her. One last time. To change her mind. To not put on the wedding dress. To not say her vows. Make her see how much she meant to me. Yet, after the previous outburst, I was afraid. Afraid to ruin the happiness that I could see glowing around her. It would not do her any good, I realised.
The lyrics would tell her my story.
My heart cried as she stood at the altar and took his hand. My heart cried as I saw her glow, walking down the aisle. She didn't even spare a look at me. My heart cried as they said their vows. In my head, I played it out. How I would dash to the altar and object. I would tell everyone how I felt towards her. She would smile at me and take my hand in hers.
She would tell me that she loved me. The priest would marry us.
Alas, that was all a fantasy. I would not be the one she would stand next to.
As they walked out of the church, I sang the song that I had written specially for her. Yet, she just smiled at me. He looked at me. And I could see it in his eyes. He knew. He knew how I felt. And he never bothered to do anything about it.
That night, I found my blade again.
18 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I've been in the hospital for four days. Or so my mother tells me.
Neither she nor he were anywhere to be seen. My mother tells me that they hadn't come by. They were still on their honeymoon.
I cried when my mother wasn't looking. I had been chasing something I knew I would never be able to get. I needed my blade but I fought the depression. It's going to be unbearably hard for me for a long while. But I will get through it, diary. I will.
25 February 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I've been discharged from the hospital. They offered to refer me to a psychologist but I declined. I would get through this on my own.
30 November 2017, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
It's Chinen-kun's birthday. I don't hurt any more. I ache. But not a lot. I haven't seen either of them for a very long time. He had terminated his contract with Johnny's and I'm secretly glad for that.
31 December 2019, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
I no longer feel anything. I'm glad. Even when she had called to ask how I was.
I had resisted the urge to slam the phone down and search for my blade. I didn't talk long to her. I didn't trust myself to feel.
23 November 2020, From the Diary of Yamada Ryosuke
Dear Diary,
It's been three years since the time I was hospitalised. I will never get over the pain of losing her but I no longer feel like killing myself.
Finally, diary, I'm happy.